As far as I know, you are not having sex so other people can watch.
You do not sell tickets to the sex show in your home.
You are not trying for any awards.
The camera is not panning across your taught abdomen as your spouse’s equally taught abs slowly lower onto you, the light languid but grateful in its luck at caressing your skin.
When you have sex, it is not for an audience.
So, why do we care so much what we look like while having it? Why do we care what other people think? And, are we so wrapped up in doing everything “for show” online that we have forgotten how to let sex be a sacred and intimate place worthwhile even in its secrecy?
Let’s discuss…
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First of all:
We are so accustomed to watching other people kiss and make love on screens that our own experiences are often “watched” inside our own mind’s eye rather than experienced with our whole selves…with all of our senses. We are outside the actual experience.
What if we focused our attention back to the present moment? How does this feel, smell, taste? What is each part of my body experiencing right now? What am I loving? How would I describe this sensation or moment?
It absolutely DOES NOT matter what anyone {no audience, ex, or imaginary judge} would think of how you look or perform during sex.
The only thing that matters is the connection between you and your partner.
What would change if we believed that?
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Second of all:
We are so accustomed to watching other people kiss and make love that our own bodies are measured against templates they were not meant to be measured by.
Learn to enjoy yourself and your spouse – as you are. People like to say things like “we are held to an impossible beauty ideal.” It’s an impossible ideal NOT BECAUSE IT IS BETTER THAN YOU but because it does not apply to you. Ideals of taste are entirely subjective and arbitrary. Make your OWN ideals based on your own life.
The most beautiful and ripe pineapple would appear to be a terribly strange apple – if it was trying to be an apple. Be the ripe, glorious, juicy version of YOURSELF. Your body is unique and worthy of honor {as it is} … not just honor, but hot, passionate, confident sex too.
By the time you were 12, you surely had plenty of movies and TV {and misguided friends} teach you that only SOME people deserve to have great sex or be proud enough of their bodies {and their existence} to kiss and be happy and naked. We learn this quickly as we notice how “fat” or “ugly” people are ridiculed for doing things they enjoy, let alone kissing anyone. We would rather die than feel the shame of being ridiculed like that.
Pay attention to when you are believing lies about your own worth. Pay attention to when you have slid into believing yourself too “fat” or “ugly” to enjoy your own body. It is a lie.
It does not matter what the world would say about how you and your spouse look while having sex. The only thing that matters is the connection between you.
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Third of all:
We are so accustomed to taking other people’s advice about sex that we have lost contact with our own intuition and personal pleasures. Block out your friends, your church, whatever porn you’ve seen… and really be with only your partner.
One of the biggest poisons to great sex is unmet expectations of what sex is “supposed” to be like. What if you both started with a clean slate and enjoyed designing new versions of GREAT sex for YOU?
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Finally:
So, what can we do now?
Stop allowing any kind of audience into your head.
Be alone with your spouse – in body and in mind.
Create an island in your home where the two of you are the epitome of sexy. Maybe it’s just your bedroom. There, you two are naked and you have no shame. You move and breathe for each other alone. You make the rules.
It sounds silly, I know. But perhaps it’s worth feeling a bit silly at first to have years of fantastic, confident, creative, passionate sex. I’m just sayin…
Stop selling tickets to the sex show.
Allow as much PRIVACY in your head and heart as you do in the actual room.
Has anyone ever accidentally grabbed or brushed against your breasts?
(That is, if you have breasts… if you don’t, have you ever accidentally grabbed or fondled or brushed against someone else’s breasts?)
It’s happened to most everyone at some point or another. You are in some close space and people are moving around. Breasts stick out and hands or arms often accidentally brush against those soft bumpers. The second after it happens, when it registers in everyone’s minds that breasts have been touched, eyes dart up in shock and embarrassment before blinking hard to break the stare. But do not fear, this is not necessarily a moment of awkward embarrassment for both of you.
See: The intimacy of the moment is the direct inverse to the push-up-ness of the bra on said breasts.
Wearing ^^ THIS ^^ is like wearing boob armor. Bump against them all you want, it’s not really ME. The real me is hiding behind inches of padding and water or gel or air.
(That picture is so airbrushed, the bottoms of her pretend breasts are pinched up in the bra. It kind of hurts me.)
That’s the kind of bra to wear to a mosh pit or first date. If someone gets too handsy, you’ll hardly notice.
If the woman is wearing an unlined bra where her breasts actually reach the edges of the cloth and her skin feels the movement of cotton or hands, then it is entirely different. The level of vulnerability goes way up.
More padding = Less vulnerable | Less padding = More vulnerable
How much armor are you wearing?
Can you be touched? We are not just talking about bras, now. How far away is your inner self from the surface of your skin? I call that space between YOU (the part that feels love) and your skin = you Armor.
When you come to bed, how much armor are you wearing? When your Lover’s hands run across your stomach to your chest, how much armor are you wearing? When you kiss goodnight, how much armor are you wearing? When he makes a move and subtly tries to see if his passionate feelings are reciprocated, how much armor are you wearing?
Can you feel it? Can you feel when his words reach out to touch you? Can you feel it when his hands want to caress and affect you?
I do not mean, how padded is your bra? I mean, how padded is the passionate center of your heart?
Are you doing things to make yourself “look better” that are actually separating you from really feeling when your Love touches you?
It could be anything:
It could be an actual push-up bra when you should be naked.
It could be holding your stomach in so much you can’t remember to orgasm.
It could be disconnecting from your skin because your skin isn’t the size you ordered.
It could be layering frustrations and disappointments between you both to punish your spouse for them.
It could be pretending you are fine when you desperately need something.
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We like to throw the word “Embodied” around lately in conversations about health and beauty. People talk about it in all kinds of complicated ways, but it is simple and it is vitally important to great sex.
Get in your body. Be in it.
Let your Lover locate your soul in every inch of your skin. Do not pull back to hide in some dark, safe recess of your inner self. Spread out and fill your skin to the brim so that when you are caressed … YOU are caressed.
Start by noticing the places your soul already feels safe to be. What parts of your body connect with your soul?
Is it your lips? When you are kissed well, does your gut feel loved?
Is it that space near your collarbone where your neck curves up? When lips touch that spot, can your heart feel it?
What parts of your skin are you already in?
Start there.
Then, invite your soul into the other beautiful places and spaces on your body as well.
(Pro tip: All the places and spaces of your body are beautiful.)
This is the best gift you can give yourself and your current or future spouse:
become at home in your body.
Push up bras can be fun & utilitarian, and it makes sense why someone would wear one, but a hand on 2 inches of padding is not the same as a hand on warm, naked skin.
Learn to be at home in your body so you can be intimately loved in it.
I don’t mean just “think about sex” like a soda erupting; shaking it up and then shooting sticky thoughts all over the place. (Those cans are small but they manage to cover everything when they explode. The same goes for sexual thoughts.) No, no. I mean, think about sex in very specific ways: disciplined, new, brave ways.
First of all:
Who do you want to want to have sex with? (this is not a typo)
Who do you want to want to have sex with? You may not want to have sex at all, especially if you do not like your own self (more on that soon). You may not want to have sex if you are angry with the person you’ve agreed to have sex with otherwise OR You may want to have sex with an inappropriate person.
Who do you need to start focusing your passionate + positive mental attention on?
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Try This:
Name them. Write their name down in your own handwriting. Take time to form each letter. Imagine each letter as a part of them {their person + body} that you notice and trace.
Take the name of your spouse or beloved or even yourself and write it down.
This will move the image of them in your mind… the thought of their existence, their soul, your history together… from your mind to your hand. Write their name in the physical world.
Notice how the thoughts in your head can connect to the actions of your body. Notice how the movements can change and go fast or slow, hard or soft. How did you write it? How could you write it differently a second time? What if you wrote their name on your skin or asked them to write a meaningful word on you?
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There are so many things stuck to our skin {especially women}: thoughts and expectations and hurts… really, anything negative seems to stick like superglue and the positive things in life just slide right off. Women walk around the world with so many words on their skin, and usually those words are full of disappointment.
She comes to a moment in the night {or day} when all the stars have aligned and sex is about to happen … most likely… and as he reaches his hands to touch her skin, it’s not really her skin he makes contact with. I mean, it’s her skin – but not the layer of her that connects to her soul.
There’s this tough, invisible layer of self-hatred and frustrations about life that covers almost every inch of our skin. This layer is impenetrable some days. On those days, you may still have sex, but you don’t have sex that makes loving connections because you can’t touch each others’ vulnerable layers.
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So, where do we even start? What do we do?
When your body feels like a disappointment and just a hand on your stomach or breast makes you flinch away?
When every dish you wash or sock you pick up is like angry armor you put on your skin that keeps you away from the person you want to love?
When your body has never had healthy pleasure just for pleasure’s sake and you have no idea where to start?
When you love your spouse, but you just do not like having sex?
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We will get to all of that hard stuff, but I know it helps me to start back at the beginning. When it all feels overwhelming or confusing or frustrating, I sit down and start over. I let my brain and the rest of my body reconnect in a simple way. Try this exercise:
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Start here.
Make time to think about the one you love… in detail. Write their name. Write it a few times; write it like you are 14-years-old and falling in love. Feel each movement without judgment of “how” you are writing it (you perfectionist!). Notice pressure and speed. Pray love into each specific part of their body as you write each specific letter of their name. Be present to how love can move from your brain to your fingers.
All throughout October I am participating in the Write 31 Days blogging challenge. For 31 days straight I will be writing daily on: LOVE & MAKING IT.
If you are new here, I often talk about Beautyand Sex, Bravery and New Perspectives. My passion is to talk about passion – the lack or the abundance – and if we can have 31 straight days of inspiration and conversation around sex… then EVERYONE WINS!
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{We are up and running… here’s a few of the posts in the series if you’d like to jump on in. You can always click on the LOVE AND MAKING IT link at the top to see all posts under that topic, as well.}
We think we have to love our bodies in order to really enjoy sex. But…
What if we had sex in order to enjoy our bodies?
What if our marriage {bed} could be the place where we bring our whole selves, without fear or pretense, to experience freedom, fun, excitement, healing, passion, and beauty… LIFE to the Fullest?
What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?
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My hope is that by the end of October, we will all have 31 reminders about why God gave us bodies… and we’ll know better how to use them for GOOD.
Single?
Married?
Male?
Female?
Everyone is welcome.
Have questions about sex that you want me to address?
Tweet me: @nicoletteromero
There’s just something good about being able to talk about anything without shame or guilt. There’s just something good about being proud of the BODY + SOUL you’ve got. There’s just something extra good about finding new ways to love and make it with your beloved. Let’s talk about all that and more.
Come back everyday in October for inspiration on Love and Making It.
Love and Making It in Spring session is over… but we have something hot coming this summer.
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Love and Making It – All Women – July 1st {single, married, don’t matter}
Love and Making It – For Couples – June 21st {for both partners to do together}
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Listen. We are bombarded with sights and sounds that tell us we are just not good enough and neither is our spouse. Let’s rebel against all of those messages together.
Let Love and Making It give you hope and show you the beauty you already have inside AND out – whether you are single or married.
If you are married, let Love and Making It help you and your spouse find the fun and desire and communication skills to really take your sex life to the next level.
Interested? Let us know. We are want to start a revolution… a rebellion… where all the people who thought they were disqualified from the “good” or “sexy” or “beautiful” life ALL get together and say, “Starting TODAY we are making new rules.”
We can show you how. This is about us choosing ourselves because it’s just a total waste to let one more day go by feeling bad about any of it.
Sign up to be the first to hear more info on classes and for a few inspirational words to make tomorrow even better than today.
(your time is precious. I have over 50,000 unread emails in my personal email from unnecessary things I signed up for. The emails you get from 1,000 Strands will be infrequent and useful and your information will be private)
THIS IS THE POST FOR OUR SPRING CLASS BUT IT’LL GIVE YOU MORE OF AN IDEA OF WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT… KEEP READING.
I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees. – Pablo Neruda
LOVE and MAKING IT in Spring
(If you already know you are ready to join us, scroll to the bottom to sign up now.)
It’s time, my friend. It’s time for a renewed sense of wonder and connection to spring up in you. It’s time for your body to feel like home. It’s time for you to have greater experiences in your body than you thought were possible. It’s time to feel more awake, satisfied, open, and passionate.
What is the Love and Making It eCourse all about?
Well, sex, mostly. And your body. And your fears. And your marriage. And your sense of humor. And how sex can actually be medicine and dessert. How sex can be more than an obligation or something you do when you love someone and are not currently angry with them… How you can feel sexy and fulfilled NOW in THIS BODY.
It’s time to love your body. It’s just time.
It’s time to look forward to having sex with your husband. It’s just time.
It’s time to learn ways to overcome the obstacles in your sex life. It’s just time.
It’s time to switch from fixing yourself to enjoying yourself. It’s just time.
We spend so much time, money and energy trying to get fit, get smart, get holy, get beautiful… Get through it, Get over it, Get it out of the way.
This class is different. This class is not about getting – although you will get some. This class is about being given gifts.
You will be given gifts. The gifts of FREEDOM, SEX, BEAUTY, SAFETY, COURAGE, PLAY… you will finally own your body and sensuality in a way that allows you to give your whole self – not out of obligation or routine – but out of a bubbling, joyful, sexy desire to share.
In the body you have RIGHT NOW, you can feel beautiful and have truly great sex.
Do not let fear or busyness stop you from receiving this gift.
After years of research and indepth conversations with 100’s of women, I know this class, and the space it creates, literally changes lives and marriages… not because I am awesome (which we can discuss further) but because this way of looking at our sexuality and our bodies works. This is not a prescription, it is a new description of how all of this is meant to be – how we were designed for so much more {in bed}.
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A few words from past classmates:
“I think the thing about this class that has given me the most hope is that there is no assumption that some people will never get there, which is the message often given. Here, it has always been ‘Yes you can. And here’s how. And it will be uncomfortable but keep going.'”
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“He looked at me and said, “I’m SO glad you are taking this class. Because no matter how many times I tell you these things, I know you can’t hear them from me. I’m so glad you’ve heard them from Nicole.” We went on to have the most amazing, connected time together ever. EVER. I’m celebrating because even though there have been high highs and low lows throughout this course, we have never had a dialogue that open about this, and I have never felt so connected to him and to my body before.”
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“So even though I knew we were both so exhausted, I said to my husband, “Can we go to bed together tonight?” and when he asked why I said, “I really need to feel connected to you tonight, I really need to have sex and be held and know we’re in this together” and I was super nervous, but he didn’t shame me or question it or anything. We just put our laptops away and went to bed. And last night nothing changed with our situation, but something holy happened. I felt connected and known by my hubs in a new way. I finally got what Nicole’s been talking about when she says sex can be therapy and healing.”
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“I have waited for these words for ten years. Asked the question “what in the world is sex? Why would God make it? What does it have to do with his heart??” It always seemed a separate thing from him, from relationship with him. Shocking, yes. But I’m ready to engage it. Thank you.”
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“Nicole, I hope you plan on offering this regularly! My husband and I do premarital mentoring at our church and I just suggested your course as a resource for our ladies.”
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“This is epic….transformational!”
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“And then after we made love last night and were laying there a realization hit me. I told him that I feel as if I am waking up from a long sleep. That my whole body has been asleep, numb, and that I feel connected to myself again. Being awake is wonderful!”
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“My husband said Nicole is a genius!”
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“Nicole that is a huge breakthrough. Huge. Your influence led to REAL, practical, hands on healing.”
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“I was raw. I told him what I was missing and needed. We decided to give ourselves permission to laugh in bed as we navigate our physical challenges. We are just now getting out of bed and one of his last comments was “thank you for being brave and telling me what you were feeling. I think this is a new day for us.”
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“Your love and making it series is setting me free. My husband has never felt so loved and frankly I have never been more satisfied. I think this is your gift. I want you to talk about bodies and sex all day every day because your truth is seriously beautiful and deeply needed.”
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If you think the church only gave you instructions on how to NOT have sex, but never the tools to help you LOVE sex, take this course with me.
If you need a reboot in your sex life, take this course.
If you love your husband more than life, but still don’t always look forward to having sex, take this course.
If you need a safe community of women to talk with about sex and body challenges, take this course.
If you want to find new, fun ways to make sex hot, take this course.
If you want to turn to your husband in a few weeks and say, “Honey, I have a headache. Can we please have sex?” Take this course.
HOW WE WILL DO THIS THING beginning April 10th:
28 Days of PASSIONALS (A Worksheet/Love Letters to inspire and challenge and ignite you… Think of it like a waterfall of new, beautiful ways to see yourself and sex.)
4 Live Video Workshops where we discuss the Passionals and other issues that have come up in your class. (Recorded in case you miss any.)
A Secret Facebook group where we will cheer each other on, laugh, share our stories and basically talk daily about all the amazing things you are doing throughout the month.
**After you sign up, you will also have the chance to sign up for a one-on-one coaching call with Nicole**
THE COST:
For the 28 days of Passionals, workshops and daily support the class price is $65.
As with all my courses, there are a few scholarships available. Please send an email to 1000strands@gmail.com if you want to apply for a scholarship.
WHAT TO DO NOW:
SIGN UP TODAY. Use the button below to go to Paypal and please fill out the form below with the email you use on FB so I can add you to the cozy secret group. Any questions? Email me at 1000strands@gmail.com
Sex is like a souffle. A souffle is complicated and unique. It is difficult to get it to finish well. It takes preparation and forethought. You cannot be distracted or have your mind on something else while you are cooking a souffle. Use just the right ingredients at just the right temperatures. Beat and whip, but not too much. Fold and test until everything is perfect. Practice. Know your oven and test the temperature. Keep trying. It’s worth it – for the enjoyment, taste, and accomplishment.
Your body is not a package of fake meat and cheese (even if it feels like it some days) that you throw in a microwave oven, and it’s done in 3 minutes. You are a souffle that takes time and practice and love to prepare. You don’t make a souffle because you are hungry right now. You make a souffle for the love of cooking something special.
If you are treating sex like a hot pocket meal, you are not doing it right.
People treat sex like “I wanna do it and you should wanna do it with me too”… “I have this need and I am gonna use you to fill it”… “Hungry. Need hot pocket.”
Instead of treating sex like the deepest, sweetest, most liberating and fun conversation EVER. If we spent time preparing ourselves and each other FOR each other, we would have a much better meal. We wonder why we don’t want to have sex… but it is because we think it is a 3 minute heat up and BAM we are aroused and then orgasm and then done. That’s just not how it was made to be – believe it or not.
We put more care into preparing a presentation at work or an outfit for an interview than we do for sex.
We put more care into thinking through why someone did or did not call us back than we do for sex.
We put more care and consideration into the paint color on the wall than we do for sex.
We put more care and heart into a conversation with a friend than we do for sex.
And then we wonder why we don’t want to have sex.
Why are some things worth the work and other things not?? Usually because we don’t understand what we will get out of the other things. We know what we can get out of a good job interview or a great color on our walls or a conversation with a friend. But, honestly, what will you get out of sex except a little friction and connection and a few guilt-free days after…??
So so so so so much more. There is a wealth of love, depth, and pleasure that our bodies are made for and we have ignored out of fear and confusion. There is a conversation full of nuance and care, adventure and learning, that we can have with our bodies – if we are willing to go at the right pace and with good preparation.
You are a souffle. You are meant to be enjoyed and savored, folded, kneeded, and delighted over.
If you are thinking you are a hot pocket (or being treated like one) of course you don’t want to have sex. If you put the ingredients for a souffle in the microwave, that would not turn out delicious. You would still be hungry.
Take the time to learn how to prepare yourself and your spouse. Take the time to learn your own favorite ingredients and JUST how to fold, kneed, and heat. Actually finishing the meal is just punctuation at the end of a sentence you’ve been writing all along.
Rebel against the must-get-it-done push in our lives and go slow. Ask questions. You CAN learn to enjoy your own body – married or not. Your body is not just utilitarian – it is beautiful, graceful, delightful, strong, receptive.
((Full disclosure, I don’t love women-as-food metaphors… so forgive me if it offends your value as a woman. I just believe we forget the kind of preparation we are willing to put into other things because we don’t understand the goodness of sex. You are way more than a souffle, Sister. ))
Love and Making It – the eCoursecurrently at full speed – is changing my life more than I thought possible because it is changing the lives of the women who took a giant step of bravery and signed up. We are asking hard questions and connecting with our spouses. We are cheering for each other, praying for each other, and laughing HARD with each other. Most of all, though, people are finding hope.
“My husband has never felt so loved and frankly I have never been more satisfied.”
“The very thing that has caused so much pain and fear could be the method by which those wounds are healed. whoa.”
(And that is just a couple comments. I am floored by the amazing things happening in this course.)
Thank you to everyone who has expressed interest in taking the next course AND to the single women who have told me I MUST include them next time… AS YOU WISH.
LOVE AND MAKING IT – a course on feeling brave and beautiful {in bed} will start another round in the spring. (Read about it here and here)
BABES IN GODLAND – a course on feeling brave and beautiful {in your body}. We will focus on feeling alive, well-made, beautiful, and sensual regardless of relationship status.
There are so many messages we have learned about what “sexy” is and how we are supposed to act as women and as people pursuing the mysteries of God. These classes are a call to freedom and healing for our WHOLE selves.
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“I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.” – Pablo Neruda
I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My beloved is knocking: “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.” Song of Solomon 5:2
We think we have to love our bodies in order to really enjoy sex. But…
What if we had sex in order to enjoy our bodies?
What if our marriage {bed} could be the place where we bring our whole selves, without fear or pretense, to experience freedom, fun, excitement, healing, passion, and beauty… LIFE to the Fullest?
What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?
After talking with hundreds of women about this topic (online, in small groups, around dinner tables, in secret FB groups, and even on stage) I can tell you without a doubt that women, especially Christian women, are not at home in their bodies and not enjoying sex the way we could. I bet that doesn’t surprise you. We know we are not happy in our bodies. We know we drag ourselves to “business time” kinds of love making. We adore our husbands, but sex is just… complicated.
We go into the nights of our marriages with a familiar conversation between ourselves and our spouses… sometimes these happen out loud with the actual husband… sometimes they are all in our minds.
“Hello, I am me. The me that you married. Still me. I didn’t magically grow breasts or lose weight since last time we met here.”
“Hello, I know. I like you.”
“I’m all you’ve got, I suppose. Wanna have sex? I hear you like sex because, you know, you are a male. And I’m your only option. Sorry about that. Here. Here’s my body. Let’s do something with it, but I’m tired so please don’t take too long. And please ignore the ugly parts so you can get turned on and I can feel like a good wife. Ok? Bring the lubricant.”
There’s so much more for us! It does not have to stay that way! It can get so much better! Mind-blowingly better.
Join me for 28 days of support, counseling, laughs, hands-on activities, and soul-searching. In the end, you will feel more convinced than ever (maybe even for the first time) that YOUR BODY is BEAUTIFUL and the link between your body and your soul is much stronger than you knew.
You get to create your own world where YOU are the definition of beautiful. YOU are the definition of sexy. Your spouse is the definition of sexy! You are not his consolation prize. You are spectacular.
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This February, choose love for yourself and for your spouse. Come, spend a month with us as we learn to love this body and love with this body. It’s time to come alive {in bed}
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Love and Making It is designed to:
*Help identify what keeps us from enjoying sex
*Inspire us to excavate our desires and passions
*Free us from the lies we believe about our beauty and worth
*Give us tools and practices to help us find our BRAVE in bed
*Tattoo truths on our hearts so we never again forget how BEAUTIFUL we are
*extra bonus: Your husband will be very, very, very grateful and happy.
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WHEN: February 1-28, 2014
WHAT: Daily inspiration and prompts from Nicole. A specifically designed, confidential FB group for community and support. Three group video conference calls with everyone who can make it, designed to encourage and challenge. One heart-to-heart with just Nicole.
WHO: Married women will get the most out of this course, but all are welcome.
PRICE: $28, Honesty, a Sense of Humor, CONFIDENTIALITY (there are 2 scholarships available for the money. No one can give you humor or integrity)
28 days – designed to provide a new freedom and beauty {in bed} for $28
(CLASS IS NOW CLOSED. A NEW CLASS WILL START IN THE SPRING. EMAIL 1000STRANDS@GMAIL.COM FOR MORE INFORMATION.)
HERE’S HOW TO SIGN UP:
1. Pay through Paypal.
2. Send me an email at 1000strands@gmail.com letting me know you paid and MOST IMPORTANTLY with the email address you use on Facebook so I can find you and add you to the group.
Once you sign up, you will soon receive a welcome email from me and an invitation to the secret FB group that will start to heat up on January 31st. Be sure to send me an email at 1000strands@gmail.com with your name and Facebook email address.
I will close the sign ups on February 1st or when we reach our maximum. I want to know each woman and talk to every one of you one-on-one so the class will be limited. SIGN UP TODAY!
**Plus! Because of a generous donor, we have 2 scholarships so please email me if you’re stuck in a really rough patch. (1000strands@gmail.com subject line “Love and Making It Scholarship)
This is an immediate problem and one we need to address. Not only for our husbands but for our own lives. Don’t give up on your body being and feeling GOOD. Everything God makes is good. He said so. SIGN UP FOR THE NEW eCOURSE Starting February 1st! GO HERE.
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What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?
We think we have to love our bodies in order to enjoy sex. But…
What if we had sex in order to enjoy our bodies?
What if sex was a way to care for your body instead of a way of demanding something from it?
No matter how you spend your day feeling – beautiful or terrible – about your body, you CAN let sex be a building up and not a stripping away of your self worth.
What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?
We have it in our heads that we are supposed to be something specific before we can be sexy. We have it in our heads that we are supposed to feel a certain way before we can have great sex. This is only true as long as you believe it. The miraculous thing about a marriage and about the relationship between a loving and little-bit-brave couple, is that there really are no set rules.
You get to create your own world where YOU are the definition of beautiful. YOU are the definition of sexy. Your spouse is the definition of sexy too! This is your game and no one can disqualify you from playing to the very end.
Do not let the rules of the fickle world define your marriage {bed}.
Sometimes we go into the nights of our marriages with a familiar conversation in our heads between ourselves and our spouses… sometimes these happen out loud with the actual husband… sometimes they are all in our minds.
“Hello, I am me. The me that you married. Still me. I didn’t magically grow breasts or lose weight since last time we met here.”
“Hello, I know. I like you.”
“I’m all you’ve got, I suppose. Wanna have sex? I hear you like sex because, you know, you are a male. And I’m your only option. Sorry about that. Here. Here’s my body. Let’s do something with it, but I’m tired so please don’t take too long. And please ignore the ugly parts so you can get turned on and I can feel like a good wife. Ok? Bring the lubricant.”
It’s depressing.
It doesn’t have to be like this. It doesn’t.
What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?
You are not his consolation prize. You are spectacular. And I bet your husband knows it way better than you do. You can’t see your light and your beauty, but he can. He doesn’t want to have sex with you because he has no choice and you are his only relief from the need. He wants to have sex with you because sex with you is like the best thing ever.
LISTEN… I did not say that sex is the best thing ever. I am assuming you are not married to a 15-year-old boy from Superbad.
Sex with YOU, is the best thing ever.
Imagine how you feel when you have a conversation where the other person really GETS you. You laugh til your face hurts. You create inside jokes. You admit a deep fear and they totally understand – they admit their own fear and you cry a moment together. At the end of the night, it feels like no time and an infinite time have gone by and your soul is at rest.
This is sex for your husband. And it can be for us too.
It can be a place of knowing and healing – like a great conversation. You come to it when you feel sad or happy, brave or shy, beautiful or ugly. You come to your marriage bed {which doesn’t have to be a bed} as yourself and you have the “conversation” with him. Some days it can be wild and fun. Some days it can be careful and healing. But we have to stop prejudging what sex is supposed to be like or we will never have any kind of sex but the obligatory kind. And that just sucks. Who wants that life?
We have to be willing to come to it as we are, with no qualifications except commitment and love. You are allowed to be loved like this.<<<<<Bold, Italic, Underline.
You are allowed to be free and honest EVEN while making love.
What if the next time you have a headache, you said, “Honey, I have a headache, can we please have sex tonight?” (Imagine!)
What if having a headache meant it was a good time to have sex?
What if sex was allowed to be as relaxing as a massage?
What if sex was allowed to be as invigorating as spin class?
What if sex was allowed to surprise you?
What if it could be whatever you needed like a great conversation with your best friend?
What if you were allowed to be loved just as you are in bed?
What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?
I’m just saying, you probably have rules about what making love is “supposed” to be like that maybe it’s time to question, because if you are married, this will always be a thing.
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I do not write from a place of all-knowing, either. I am just a girl who struggles hard with beauty and expectations. I always, always preach to myself. I’ve been through injuries and depression and I’ve seen my marriage bed be a major place of care and fun and healing in the midst of all my “stuff” over the last five years {married for 14 years but the last 5 have demanded I look my fears and desires in the eyes} – and I want the same for your marriage too.
It is a month until Valentine’s Day – second only to your husband’s birthday as the day great sex is “supposed” to happen. Forget the “supposed to”!!! For me, the best way to work through expectations, and a build-up like Valentine’s Day, is to get a jump start on them. So, this month we are going to start talking about LOVE and MAKING IT again so that by the time Valentine’s Day actually gets here, you’ve had so much fun with your spouse that it’ll just be one day in a sea of awesome days in bed together. And in the long run, I hope you never feel obligated to have sex again. Do it for you not just for him! After this month, sex will move from the “For Him” column and into the “For Us” or even the “For Me” column – because once we start looking at sex as something for us too, it will be way more fun.
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I’m starting a 28 day online group and ecourse on February 1st – where we can talk safely, confidentially, and openly about how to have more freedom and fun in {bed}.
ALSO….
Obviously, there are a couple filters to read these Love and Making It posts through: I am married. I am female. I am straight. I believe in Jesus. These characteristics define the things I know and my experiences, but they do not mean I want to exclude other voices from this conversation. Please always feel free to comment below or email me if you want to keep it between us.
Everyone’s story is different and yet from your comments and the posts themselves, I see universal struggles and universal hopes for our sexuality. We are in this together – It’s awkward in the best possible way. I have words to offer, words that are forming in my heart for you all – and for me – about what to do next. What do we do after we have grappled with the hard stuff, invited God into our sex-lives, reclaimed our wildness, accepted that we are loved, and tried to be brave – even with our boobs?
For now, we confess. We confess our struggles and our hopes. We flash a little more brave with a twinkle in our eyes.
My next guest, Candice Jones, a woman of shocking beauty who is pursuing freedom and courage with everything she’s got, has quite a spark to her. Enjoy her words on Love and Making it.
Let her confessions inspire you to admit your own.
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I’m Candice Mae. I am happily married, and I rarely enjoy sex. These are my confessions:
I wore a purity ring through my teen years to ward off unwanted suitors, meaning ALL suitors.
I am still trying to find the little girl in me who decided to hide and never be seen.
I judged and condemned other girls for their promiscuity, while secretly envying their ability to let someone in so close.
I was taught to fear– specifically to fear the regret I would feel as an adult because of the decisions I made as a young person.
I believed being vulnerable equaled the loss of my control and power, so I decided not to be vulnerable. (damn you, twisted truth)
I didn’t kiss a man until I was 22 years old, and it is one the most awkward experiences I have survived. (Right up there with my bathing suit popping off at the top of a waterslide, which resulted in me flashing several young children. Unlike Abby’s previous post, people have seen my boobs.)
I unintentionally absorbed the belief that life is not messy. I can remember painting murals on the inner walls of one of the churches I attended as a child. We painted precise pictures of white people with clear skin and smiles in different settings and stories described throughout the Bible. Even the crucifixion scene had minimal drops of red. Being raised in what is considered a conservative church, and by a strong, single mother, my early days were somewhat void of what I now know are real, messy, and good life experiences. Simple things were unknown to me, like crying in front of someone in complete vulnerability. What was modeled to me instead was going silent and running away from heartache and anger rather than opening up and letting people sit in it with me. As you can imagine, these learned practices did not set me up well for a relationship. I still have a lot of pain stored in my soul. I am unlearning, and some days it feels like I must unlearn everything.
I tend to giggle like a junior high kid when it comes to penis jokes, because I never understood them growing up. I was terrified of them. Penises, that is. It was a word never explained to me. I think I even blocked out what I learned in my Human Anatomy class because it made me so uncomfortable. I blushed a fiery red in those days. The only reference I do remember was during a video, while explaining semen, a pirate flashed on the screen and said, “ARRGG!” … oh right, I get it. Like sea-men. Ha. The semen thing stuck with me, and totally grossed me out. I was convinced that I would never be able to do that, ANY of that. Hollywood did not help either. The way sex was (and is) portrayed is completely ridiculous to me. Really? People make THAT much noise?! I didn’t get it, and in my walled-up heart, I rejected it. However, I am also a realist who has always loved children. I knew I couldn’t keep my eyes shut and hands to myself forever, though I never anticipated how much work the undoing (and undressing) would actually be. It took a lot more than my man’s good looks to get me into bed. After an enormous amount of prayer & soul-searching, married friends sharing their hearts & newfound knowledge, and an intense Christian therapist, I am in a much better place. But as I confessed in the beginning, sex is a rare thing for me to relish in.
My husband and I are opposites. From food, to hobbies, to energy levels, we usually seem to interrupt the other’s rhythm more than encourage our differences. It is the same with our physicality and sexuality – he is all in, all over, building up, while I am slowing down, breathing, and letting go. I tend to emphasize the X in sex, wanting to cross it out, move on, or get it over with quickly. As I dive deeper into myself and into my story, I know for a fact that my X-ing tendencies are directly impacted by two words: beauty and belonging.
Why do I strive for beauty in this space? Shouldn’t I be convinced by now that he loves what he sees, feels, knows? Why am I still working to make every inch of my skin soft and smooth and clear, keeping my make-up on instead of washing it off, going for the lacey cover-ups instead of letting him see me completely natural and bare?
As I process these questions, Light pours into my heart. Bare – I equate this word with “empty.” I compare nakedness to having nothing, not like admirable humility but more like disgusting poverty. I feel awkward. I am raw. Even in my youth, I am a bit saggy and dimpled in places. I fear the effects of age, because I still believe that beauty is formed on the outside and fades away over time.
Belonging. I can count when I have felt this, truly and deeply, on my two hands. Insecurity is my consistent friend, found in the dark days after my dad left. Thankfully, a village of brilliant, loving people raised me, and my need for and delight in authentic community has also been constant throughout my years. In these spaces of friends’ hearts, in living rooms and around tables, I belong. In my shared bedroom, nestled beside the man I am learning to trust with everything I am and have, I belong. Pursuing this truth in these places and among these people is my saving grace.
I have this belief about life:
Wherever we are in our stories is exactly is where we are meant to be.
& I am here —
where beauty is freely growing as well as striving,
where love is longing and awakening, failing and fighting,
where sex is becoming a mystical and God-breathed miracle between two beings who choose to show up, to enter in, to stay, and to heal.
I am unlearning my shame. The shame that tells me I am empty. The shame that perverts my nakedness, causing me to see poverty instead of purity and divine creativity. Shame focuses on the broken, rather than the being made whole. Shame hides my breasts under the blanket. Shame keeps me in the lie that I am what I feel. To all of this, I am saying no more. I am waking up, rubbing the false and easy out of my eyes, and opening my heart to truth. Messy truth. Trusting that I am loved more than I know, that I belong here, and that I am beautiful beyond words and beyond my youth.
I am growing away from Shame and growing into Shalom.
And reminding myself that relishing is a good thing.
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Candice resides in Minneapolis with her fellow adventurer & husband, Kip. Living it up as newlyweds, they are avid dog-sitters and baby-holders, since neither of these gifts is in the plan yet. She’s a Southern Belle turned City Dweller who currently hopes to make it through another long winter. She enjoys traveling at every opportunity and continually exploring all of the unique places and faces of the Twin Cities. A proud thrift addict, she hopes to soon find a creative career that supports both her passions for the world and her coffee appreciation. You can find her words (for now) at http://candiceloves.blogspot.com.
