marriage

How to have a soulmate

Lately, it has been very cool to say that your husband is not your soulmate.
My Husband is not my soulmate – like here
My Husband is not my soulmate – or here
And I get it. It feels good to be strong and independent and logical.
“I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings.”
These women are breaking through the myth that there is one, magical person who is your other half and who will make your life complete. This is a lie. No human is going to make your life complete. Any human you know deeply and intimately will make your life crazy, confusing, tiring, hilarious, and worthwhile… but not perfect or even complete. Life is not complete for more than fleeting moments, unless you are dead. If you feel complete for more than about 60 minutes at a time, you are probably dead and should ask someone if they can see you.
But, soulmates are real and not believing in them will rob you of the best a marriage can be. You can have a soulmate.  You can marry your soulmate. It is possible.

Do you want to know how to marry your soulmate?
Mate your soul to the person you marry.
 
Mate your soul to the person you marry and they will be your soulmate.

MATE: Join together; connect mechanically.
Join your soul together with your spouse and your souls become “soulmates.”
The miracle of real soulmates is not that they found each other and complete each other.  The miracle is not the fairytale of twinkly eyes gazing across a crowded room and falling in love.  That’s the easy part. The miracle is two people with initial chemistry and attraction, each deciding to choose […]

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Love and Making It
is about to start a new season
Hey, my friend! It’s time for us to start something new together. 
At one point or another you’ve read the blog, seen me speak live, or taken an ecourse and I want to THANK YOU for that. Thank you for joining me here. Thank you for being brave enough to even start reading and thinking about how to make your life better, braver, and more beautiful … even IN bed.  This is my passion = helping you find your passion.  
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I am floored by the good work I’ve been lucky enough to see some of you do. You’ve been brave. You’ve literally changed your marriages and lives by engaging with the heart and soul of LOVE AND MAKING IT. Thank you for letting me share in a little of your awesomeness!
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I am reminded that we all need this place… even when we are busy, actually, because we are busy. We need reminders everyday to take good care of our love-lives, because it’s a strong current pulling us back to confusion, ambivalence, fear, dislike, and exhaustion.
There are so many forces pushing us away from healthy sex lives.  Health is a constant practice, we can’t work out one day and expect to be fit forever. We can’t read one good article about sex and expect our sex lives to be healthy. This is a practice. 
And so here we are, about to start a new season.  This year I have more content and more bravery of my own and I am excited to share it all with you, but you know it’s more than just the content here – it’s about action and new ways of training our thinking about our bodies. 
My goal this […]

31 Days of Love and Making It

Hey Friends!
All throughout October I am participating in the Write 31 Days blogging challenge. For 31 days straight I will be writing daily on: LOVE & MAKING IT.
If you are new here, I often talk about Beauty and Sex, Bravery and New Perspectives. My passion is to talk about passion – the lack or the abundance – and if we can have 31 straight days of inspiration and conversation around sex… then EVERYONE WINS!
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{We are up and running… here’s a few of the posts in the series if you’d like to jump on in. You can always click on the LOVE AND MAKING IT link at the top to see all posts under that topic, as well.}
Push-Up Bra
In the Biblical Sense
Tickets to the Sex Show
Naked Whispering Gallery
And back to the original post…
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We think we have to love our bodies in order to really enjoy sex. But…

What if we had sex in order to enjoy our bodies?
What if our marriage {bed} could be the place where we bring our whole selves, without fear or pretense, to experience freedom, fun, excitement, healing, passion, and beauty… LIFE to the Fullest?
What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?
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My hope is that by the end of October, we will all have 31 reminders about why God gave us bodies… and we’ll know better how to use them for GOOD.
 
Single?
Married?
Male?
Female?

Everyone is welcome.
 
Have questions about sex that you want me to address?
Tweet me:  @nicoletteromero
There’s just something good about being able to talk about anything without shame or guilt. There’s just something good about being proud of the BODY + SOUL you’ve got. There’s just something extra good about finding new ways to love and make it with your […]

Wives Submit to Your Husbands

Submission.
It’s a dirty word to some.  It’s a holy word to others.
but can I tell you something…?
I have found new life in it. Let me explain.
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“Wives, it should be no different with your husbands. Submit to them as you do to the Lord.”
– Ephesians 5

Submit.
^^That word burns^^
It burns because it seems to go against every other thing I know about our freedom.  Jesus is supposed to bring a new kind of life:  A free life. A life of fullness and joy and grace and love.  A life where there are no power struggles because all people are equal and valued. A life where sharing a meal with your enemy or allowing the lowest to have the highest honor, is THE WAY. This is the life I want to live.
“Submit” feels like control and loss of identity.
“Submit” feels like a foot on your neck and a gag in your mouth.
“Submit” feels like a kennel you whimper in while your owners go on vacation.
“Submit” is the exact opposite of freedom.
 
For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. Gal 5:1
 
So, how do I submit and still live the full, free, wild life of joyful rebellion?
The key came to me just a couple weeks ago and it has blown wide open my relationship to God and to my husband.

 
As a writer, performer, actress, speaker I SUBMIT my work and my art to companies and publications that I admire.
I put my heart and soul into my presentation, proposal, or piece of writing and I SUBMIT it.  
I am submitting to that website. I am submitting to that magazine. I am submitting […]

Celebrate the Great

I just discovered the blog Happy Wives Club. I love Fawn’s positivity and pride in her marriage.  So, this post is part of the Happy Wives Club Blog Tour which I am delighted to be a part of along with hundreds of inspiring bloggers. To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! 
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Never be ashamed or shy about what you love.

We all know it’s cool to be cynical, to hate things, to be down on things.
We all know there are people suffering all across the world.
We all have people we care about who are struggling and longing.
 
And sometimes we have the things they need.
 
You have a husband who loves you, a lot.
You have kids who light up your life like disco balls.
You have a job that inspires you most days.
You have pretty good health.
 
You have Something Great.
 
And you’re embarrassed.
 
Why are we shy about the good things in life?
Maybe, it’s time we celebrate the great.
Writing this ^^^^ is just painful, honestly. Admitting you are happy is like admitting you are probably a narcissistic, selfish, ignorant child. How could you possibly be happy? And if you are happy, how dare you flaunt it?
  
What does a {happy} person do, because the “pursuit of happiness” is an unalienable right, but the acquisition of happiness is a punishable crime?
 
Listen: You may feel absurd and childlike admitting you have a great marriage, family, job, etc… SO be it. Never be ashamed of the good in your life; this does not make life better for those who are hurting. This is an insult. Appreciate what you have because, the most valuable things, you cannot give away to anyone else. They are yours. Love it all for as long as you […]

This is Intimacy

What is this life?!
My guest today in the Love and Making It: Holiday Edition series is my one-and-only sister, Robin Chancer. She might be taller than me (I mean, who isn’t?!) but she will always be my little sister. 
You can trust Robin to look at life with both practical and deeply emotional insights.  Her post reminds me of one of my favorite Tyler Knott Gregson’s Typerwriter Series poems (as if I could have a favorite in that series!!)
 

I want my kisses to be without question marks. I want our passion to make all the questions into exclamations. Really, what I want is to feel those questions straighten up and stand at attention. I want to feel the assurance literally FILL the space between us as we meet each other new each time.  
Keep reading. This post from Robin is a big, beautiful dare to be real and present in your body so that the intimacy between you and your spouse can become an exclamation.  
This is how you make more love.  This is intimacy. 
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I work as psychotherapist, and recently I was meeting with a couple having a common struggle. He caught her sexting with someone else. She felt awful and wanted to fix the marriage. We were trudging through a classic conversation: he wants more sex, she wants less pressure. Well, shoot, I thought. This conversation is definitely not sexy.
David Schnarch in his book Passionate Marriage makes the point that classic marital therapy: active listening, I statements, and so forth is just not that sexy. That’s not what maintains passion, he would say. What maintains passion is a strong sense of self—standing on your own two feet so that you can be authentically intimate with […]

By |December 12th, 2013|Love and Making It|4 Comments|

Confessions

It’s an embarrassment of riches, around here, Friends! It’s time for another guest to join us in the Love and Making It series – the Holiday edition. 
Everyone’s story is different and yet from your comments and the posts themselves, I see universal struggles and universal hopes for our sexuality. We are in this together – It’s awkward in the best possible way.  I have words to offer, words that are forming in my heart for you all – and for me – about what to do next. What do we do after we have grappled with the hard stuff, invited God into our sex-lives, reclaimed our wildness, accepted that we are loved, and tried to be brave – even with our boobs?  
For now, we confess. We confess our struggles and our hopes. We flash a little more brave with a twinkle in our eyes. 
My next guest, Candice Jones, a woman of shocking beauty who is pursuing freedom and courage with everything she’s got, has quite a spark to her.  Enjoy her words on Love and Making it.
Let her confessions inspire you to admit your own. 
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I’m Candice Mae. I am happily married, and I rarely enjoy sex.
These are my confessions:

I wore a purity ring through my teen years to ward off unwanted suitors, meaning ALL suitors.
I am still trying to find the little girl in me who decided to hide and never be seen.
I sheltered myself, attempting to be an angel vs. a human being (thank you, Rob Bell, for making that distinction).
I judged and condemned other girls for their promiscuity, while secretly envying their ability to let someone in so close.
I was taught to fear– specifically to fear the regret I would feel […]

The Crowd in the Bedroom

The Love & Making It guest essays are rocking my world. These women have written from their guts, helping us all ask hard questions and enjoy our sexuality with more honesty.  Have you read them all yet? Go here!
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Today’s guest, Tara Owens, is an expert in spiritual direction, sexuality and God.  She lives in the professional and spiritual halls I want to roam.  Her words are smart and insightful. THIS IS HOW YOU MAKE SEX MATTER IN THE BIGGEST WAYS. Beware, you will read them and not realize how deeply they hook into your psyche.  But, do not fear, Tara leads by going first.  
If you want your sex life to be more Godly, let Tara’s words guide you there today.
Love and Making It is a series all about sex and sensuality.  Join us in finding the way back to confident joy in our bodies and in our bedrooms. 
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The Crowd In The Bedroom
By Tara Owens
 
Here’s what I’d been telling myself: I’ve already done this work.
I’d gotten up early, picked up a few friends, and driven two hours north for a day-long workshop on sexuality and desire led by Dr. Dan Allender, a Christian therapist and author. It’s a topic I care deeply about, one I teach and speak about, one I write about often.
And slowly, quietly, I’d gotten more than a little self-righteous about it.
Oh, not publicly. Not in talking with and sitting with those whose stories I tend. Not as I taught, not as I read or wrote.
No, it was worse. I’d been slowly getting more and more self-righteous in my marriage, in my own bedroom.
If you’ve never heard Dan Allender speak or read any of his books, let me compare his workshops to being in […]

Naked Truth

Love and Making It is a series about wholeness and love, even more than it is about sex. Since sex is really about wholeness and love, anyway.
This post contains pictures of partial nudity.  This is a simple warning. Now you may proceed as long as you are over 18-years-old.

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After adultery.
After years of secrets.
After hard choices.
There is still hope and healing.
When you need a reminder that miracles are possible through love and perseverance, return here and see.
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The Story:
After ten years of marriage, a husband and wife each committed adultery.  It took them six more years to tell each other everything and come clean.  Instead of running… instead of fighting each other to the death… they decided to fight FOR each other.  Now, they are still married and choosing every day to focus on how to heal rather than the wounds of the past. This is not everyone’s story, but this is theirs. 
 
In this guest post conceived by my dear friend, Jennifer Upton (in partnership with her husband, Tony, and a talented photographer named Kathryn Nee), we see another side of intimacy. We see what it looks like to let yourself be loved despite history, despite failures, despite self-doubt.
This is what it looks like to fight FOR your covenant love. This is what it looks like to allow words of affirmation and adoration to seep into your skin… the skin you didn’t think could be forgiven or beautiful or chosen ever again.
 
Words, truths, finally becoming part of YOU – seeping down deep into your heart.  Forgiveness. Beauty. Love.
 
Below are pictures of Jennifer as her husband writes words on her skin.  This entire process was not easy for Jennifer, but it has been holy and sacred and used […]

Making Love

“You sure do write about sex a lot.”
Yes. That’s true, but I didn’t expect this. I’ve never cared much either way about sex, honestly. It’s not on my mind that often… not that you’d believe me with all this Love and Making It talk. 
But something happened to me after my second baby was born and sex has become my yoga, my running, my self-care, my way back to loving my body and learning that my “self” is more than what is just in my head. I am not just a soul or an intellect. I am a body too.  And this body is good – as good and perfectly created as my soul. Sex has become a the way I grow as a human, a Christian, a woman. My body and soul are reuniting and getting to know each other.  This is why I keep talking about sex. I believe our bodies are good for way more than short bursts of pleasure from food or quick orgasm.  Our bodies are much wiser and complicated than we give them credit for on a normal day. 
Ask anyone who has a workout they absolutely love (a runner, a yogi…) and they will tell you how that exercise brings them joy and endorphins and knowledge and self confidence and health.
Movement. Courage. Vulnerability. Fun. Play. Appreciation.
This is sex. It’s not just mechanics.  We are making love. It’s not easy, but it should be fun. And it can grow us as humans, if we let it.  Growing in the areas that make sex great, also make life great. 
The keys to great sex are trust, bravery and love. 
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Sex is complicated, for sure.  No one has been handed a clear and […]

By |November 27th, 2013|Love and Making It|6 Comments|