sex

I believe in Jesus

I believe in Jesus. His is the name I use to describe the loving, present, meaningful Presence of God here with us.
Let’s just get that out of the way.
I believe that the purpose we all look for is found in Him.
I believe that the freedom from shame that we look for is found in Him.
I believe that the meaning behind all of life is found in Him.
I believe that the Oneness with the universe we want is found in Him.
I believe that the order and mind behind science is found in Him.
I believe that the love we seek is found in Him.
I believe Jesus is NOT what anyone tells you He is… He is not what I tell you he is. I know what Jesus is to me today, right now. And tomorrow, that will grow, expand, soften, harden, change shade and nuance, blow up and cover me.
Jesus is beyond definition. It is why the Bible is so infuriating and invigorating.
But there are a few things about Jesus that I can hand you to hold so you can try out the fit in your palm and the weight of His glory in your life… things that tie to real life so that as we learn about Jesus, our lives change and as we live our lives God makes more sense.
Jesus’ power and spirit are constantly available everywhere and at all times to anyone who wants access. Access feels like peace, hope, love.

Jesus uses His power to remove shame, standards of perfection, guilt, and contempt.
Jesus loves you unconditionally and the best way to experience Jesus’ love is to love yourself the way He does.
Jesus’ story involves the goodness of the soul and the body, both.
Jesus […]

Help Your Spouse Want More

Hey Guys,
Want more great sex with your spouse? Want them to want sex more? I’m not one to be bullet-point about things, but since this is for you Guys I’m gonna try. Let’s start with the delicate subject of arousal and wanting sex …
*****
Imagine that every couple days your female best friend drives to your house to see you. You open the door and run out. Grabbing her in a fierce hug, you smile and stand together for a moment. You’ve missed her. While still hugging, you pat her down and take any money, jewelry, or Starbucks cards she has on her.  You stick your hands in her pockets and pull. You slide your hands up and down her sides, noticing a phone in her jacket and a wallet as well. You slide your fingers in and take those too. Then, you hold your friend by the shoulders, say “THANKS, SEE YOU TOMORROW!” with a big ol’ grin, and go back into the house, locking the door behind you.
How many times do you think that friend would come back to see you, if all they get is their body patted for loot?
Our spouse is the person with whom we have agreed to be BEST Friends.
And frankly, sometimes, sex can feel like a fairly pleasant mugging instead of best friends playing.
*****
(I want to clarify that the typical man/woman roles in sexual interactions can easily be switched. About 1 in 8 of the people I talk to about their relationships have the roles reversed – where the woman wants sex more often than the man.  Just read this from the role you know you fill.)
*****
Here’s the hard part: Some of you, men, you are using women’s bodies to get what you want… but most of you […]

By |February 27th, 2015|Love and Making It|0 Comments|

Passionals

What is a Passional?
It is a letter from me to you combining PASSION + SPIRIT.
Part devotional. Part sex-therapist session. Part drinks with a best friend.
*****
In a world full of demands and expectations around beauty and sexuality, a Passional is freedom and exploration.
When you receive your weekly Passional, you will know I have been thinking about how to bring more Bravery + Beauty + Freedom to your life in bed and out.
*****

It’s all about you and your marriage and the meaning behind all of our actions.
It’s also about creating hot make-out-sessions.
It’s also about starting glorious flames of passion in your heart.
It’s also about noticing the glory in every moment – and the glory in YOU.
*****

You are glorious. You are good. You are a miracle. Your skin. Your smile. The way your lungs fill with air to spread life throughout your body. The freckle you think is weird, that’s beautiful too.**
Your spouse is also a miracle. Can you see it?

 
Your Passional will remind you to notice the miracles and help you find ways around & through the obstacles in your love life.
Passionals are for anyone wanting a safe, respectful, loving, but still instructive, funny and passionate take on sex.
Here are the first 3 FREE Passional Newsletters. Read them and subscribe for more.
Keeping the Spark Alive – Passional Newsletter #1
Let Your Body Speak – Passional Newsletter #2
Swimming in Mood – Passional Newsletter #3

You can subscribe through any of the newsletters or you can subscribe:
RIGHT HERE. TOUCH THIS, RIGHT HERE.

I hope this is just the beginning of our friendship! Thanks for reading and subscribing.  
**Note: If you have a weird freckle that is more than just “weird” or getting weirder, have a doctor check that out.
 
LOVE AND MAKING IT: REAL SEX. […]

By |February 20th, 2015|Love and Making It|0 Comments|

Start coloring with 50 Shades of Grey

I write and speak on the topic of sex.  I want to be careful with the trust you have given me on this subject. I will not tell you whether you should see 50 Shades of Grey since I haven’t seen the movie yet. Only you know what is beneficial for YOU … but hopefully this will help you cultivate freedom and beauty in your own life either way. 
Here’s what I learned from reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books:
I had limited my own creativity. Most of the actual activities within the book were not appealing to me BUT a few were, and more importantly it got me thinking about how artistic and creative someone can be within their make-out sessions. 
Texture.
Music. 
Surprise. 
Sensation. 
Voicing what you want. 
Clear boundaries and room to play within those rules. 
Rather than giving thought to whether the movie should exist or if it will literally destroy a generation, give thought to your own story. You do not need to save the world. How about we first save ourselves?
Does your body need your attention? Does your spouse’s body need your attention?
Fifty Shades of Grey gives a lot of attention to bodies.  This is another thing I learned: It is especially important for those of us who’ve struggled with bodies being GOOD and BEAUTIFUL and perfectly made by a GOD YOU LOVES YOUR BODY — to intentionally focus your own loving attention on your body.
Where have you been limited in your thinking about your body?
Where have you settled for “mediocre” in making love? 
Is sex an obligation? Is it something you do to make babies? Is it something you do for attention? 
How do you move? Could you move differently?
What is your sensory experience? Could you add […]

By |February 13th, 2015|Love and Making It|0 Comments|

Passionals Newsletter Sign Up Now

Love and Making It
is about to start a new season
Hey, my friend! It’s time for us to start something new together. 
At one point or another you’ve read the blog, seen me speak live, or taken an ecourse and I want to THANK YOU for that. Thank you for joining me here. Thank you for being brave enough to even start reading and thinking about how to make your life better, braver, and more beautiful … even IN bed.  This is my passion = helping you find your passion.  
*****
I am floored by the good work I’ve been lucky enough to see some of you do. You’ve been brave. You’ve literally changed your marriages and lives by engaging with the heart and soul of LOVE AND MAKING IT. Thank you for letting me share in a little of your awesomeness!
*****
I am reminded that we all need this place… even when we are busy, actually, because we are busy. We need reminders everyday to take good care of our love-lives, because it’s a strong current pulling us back to confusion, ambivalence, fear, dislike, and exhaustion.
There are so many forces pushing us away from healthy sex lives.  Health is a constant practice, we can’t work out one day and expect to be fit forever. We can’t read one good article about sex and expect our sex lives to be healthy. This is a practice. 
And so here we are, about to start a new season.  This year I have more content and more bravery of my own and I am excited to share it all with you, but you know it’s more than just the content here – it’s about action and new ways of training our thinking about our bodies. 
My goal this […]

Feel alive

Great sex – great physical love – makes us feel alive. It is our soul’s current dwelling in a body that, in fact, makes us ALIVE.  Really see your Beloved tonight. See them and remember how precious these days are together. Breathing. Touching. Moving.
Don’t waste it. See your Beloved with fresh eyes of hungry, vibrant gratitude.
-N

 

 

 

By |October 13th, 2014|Love and Making It|1 Comment|

Open to me

I was asleep but my heart was awake.
A voice! My beloved was knocking:
‘Open to me, my love, my darling,
My dove, my perfect one!
For my head is drenched with dew,
My locks with the damp of the night.’
“I have taken off my dress,
How can I put it on again?
I have washed my feet,
How can I dirty them again?
“My beloved extended his hand through the opening,
And my feelings were aroused for him.
“I arose to open to my beloved;
And my hands dripped with myrrh,
And my fingers with liquid myrrh,
On the handles of the bolt.
“I opened to my beloved,
But my beloved had turned away and had gone!
-Song of Songs, Chapter 5 verses 2-6
*****
I was sleepwalking through my days and nights, but somewhere buried inside … my heart was awake. I wanted to feel alive, but mostly I just felt tired.  My heart was beating inside my chest, but my limbs and eyes could barely feel it. Life is just draining, isn’t it?
I got all ready for bed. The kids’ teeth were brushed, pajamas on, homework checked, clothes set out for tomorrow, lunches planned, and after 3 trips back into their room with forgotten stuffed animals, glasses of water, and extra hugs, I finally started winding my own self down for the night. I took a quick shower and put on my toner, serum, eye-cream and nighttime moisturizer.  I plucked a few stray hairs from some, places…There’s coconut oil on my feet inside cotton socks. My hair is braided in the hopes that the Pin I saw about beachy waves is true. Finally, I lay down with a book to relax – just for a few minutes before my eyes cross and I do that […]

Just Do It

If you love your husband but just can’t find the motivation or desire to have sex or initiate sex, this is the most practical help I can give:
Just Do It
I know it’s not romantic. I know it’s not ideal.
We want passion and an irresistible magnetic pull towards the love of our lives, but we do not live in Outlander or Twilight or 50 Shades.  No one is writing our romance for us – in OUR lives. We have to do the work of making time to love our spouse with not just our minds but our bodies too.
Many of us spend all day basically in our heads. Our bodies serve to carry our brains around and not much else (except to eat Chipotle! Thank you, mouth!). I mean, we work hard but we do not move our bodies for pleasure or mastery of movement.
This causes a disconnect between our minds and our bodies in that we are not accustomed to a life that requires a conscious, practiced connection between body, mind, and soul.  We move minimally or with rough, uninspired, exhausted actions throughout long days.
Then, we come home and our husbands (usually, but sometimes it’s the other way around) want to make sweet love… and we are so disconnected from our body that it feels foreign, awkward, and… well, like a lot of work, to get up the energy to have sex.
BUT if they hang in there with us and push through the initial rejection (miracle!) then we kiss and kissing turns to sex… and most of the time, we are really, really glad we did have that sex.  We really love our spouse and making love to them is a good thing.

It’s a lot like […]

How to keep a marriage

What lights a relationship on fire?  What keeps it going after fifteen years?
What sets butterflies to flight in your stomach when your eyes make contact?
What keeps your bodies magnetized so that the pull towards each other never weakens?

The obvious answer is mutual attraction, but what is that exactly? How do we stay mutually attracted?  What’s the answer to “How to keep a marriage magnetized?”
 
People are not permanent magnets. We do not just naturally hold onto our charge in a relationship. We must keep electricity running through us so we can keep our magnetism pulling us together.
 
 An electromagnet is made from a coil of wire that acts as a magnet when an electric current passes through it but stops being a magnet when the current stops.
 
At first it seems like our relationship is more like permanent magnets than electromagnets. We are pulled together without even trying. The attraction just seems to happen and we accept it as fact, but there is a vital element available in a new attraction that wears off over time without an intentional electric current shooting through your coils.
If you want your coils to stay attracted to his or her coils for years to come, the essential electric thought you must keep flowing through your mind so that your bodies will attract is this:
I’M SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU & YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE ME.
 
The more time you spend counting the ways your spouse is awesome and how lucky you are to have them, the more humbly grateful you will feel for your relationship. Equally important is the time you spend realizing how awesome you are and how lucky they are to have you, because this gives you confidence.
HUMILITY + CONFIDENCE […]

With my body I thee worship

I closed my eyes and spoke to you in 100 silent ways. – Rumi
 
Using sex as a way to temporarily satiate a craving is like gulping a fine wine or perfectly-aged scotch to quench your thirst, and then wondering why you are still thirsty and your throat has started burning.
 
When we are quiet and settled, we notice the profound stirrings simple physical touches wake in us: fingers intertwined, lips kissing the inside of a wrist, the bump of a fist, a hug.
When we move too quickly and desperately, we grab and suck whatever we can to calm our nerves and queasy stomachs.
We were made for more and we know it.
You were made to worship and be worshipped because of the infinite beauty and glory in you. The fast, shallow or chaotic moments most of us experience are not the way we were designed to know each other.

The original Old English marriage vows in the Common Book of Prayer…
“With this ring, I thee wed, with my body, I thee worship…”

Old English Definition of Worship: Giving honor and admiration; acknowledging worth… worth-ship.
This is not sacrilege, this is sacred.  Sex is sacred – spending time on the utter appreciation of one child of God
*****
In making love to your spouse, are you communicating their worth, to you and to God?  Are you taking in each inch of them the way you would your absolute favorite “thing” in the world?  After sex with you, does your spouse feel more connected to God and more themselves in their perfectly created “naked” and “shameless” form?
*****
I love Degas paintings. I could pour over one; seeing the brush strokes and colors… think about what it must have been like in the room as each swash of pain […]