love and making it

Imagination and Kissing

We cannot force ourselves back to life all at once like a sudden combustion, but we are never past hope. The wick is still in your heart. You can burn with passion again.

 

*****
Force of will
turns nothing on.
Candles are lit
like women.
With fire
and focus
and melting.
*****
It’s that magic combination of body and soul that comes with focused attention, but the soul must be included.
 

 
“There are two ways to reach me: by way of kisses or by way of imagination. But there is a hierarchy: the kisses alone don’t work.”
-Anais Nin
*****

Keep up with the entire Body full of Soul Series HERE.
We are talking about reuniting our bodies and souls and finding the passion kindled when we do. 

Help Your Spouse Want More

Hey Guys,
Want more great sex with your spouse? Want them to want sex more? I’m not one to be bullet-point about things, but since this is for you Guys I’m gonna try. Let’s start with the delicate subject of arousal and wanting sex …
*****
Imagine that every couple days your female best friend drives to your house to see you. You open the door and run out. Grabbing her in a fierce hug, you smile and stand together for a moment. You’ve missed her. While still hugging, you pat her down and take any money, jewelry, or Starbucks cards she has on her.  You stick your hands in her pockets and pull. You slide your hands up and down her sides, noticing a phone in her jacket and a wallet as well. You slide your fingers in and take those too. Then, you hold your friend by the shoulders, say “THANKS, SEE YOU TOMORROW!” with a big ol’ grin, and go back into the house, locking the door behind you.
How many times do you think that friend would come back to see you, if all they get is their body patted for loot?
Our spouse is the person with whom we have agreed to be BEST Friends.
And frankly, sometimes, sex can feel like a fairly pleasant mugging instead of best friends playing.
*****
(I want to clarify that the typical man/woman roles in sexual interactions can easily be switched. About 1 in 8 of the people I talk to about their relationships have the roles reversed – where the woman wants sex more often than the man.  Just read this from the role you know you fill.)
*****
Here’s the hard part: Some of you, men, you are using women’s bodies to get what you want… but most of you […]

By |February 27th, 2015|Love and Making It|0 Comments|

Start coloring with 50 Shades of Grey

I write and speak on the topic of sex.  I want to be careful with the trust you have given me on this subject. I will not tell you whether you should see 50 Shades of Grey since I haven’t seen the movie yet. Only you know what is beneficial for YOU … but hopefully this will help you cultivate freedom and beauty in your own life either way. 
Here’s what I learned from reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books:
I had limited my own creativity. Most of the actual activities within the book were not appealing to me BUT a few were, and more importantly it got me thinking about how artistic and creative someone can be within their make-out sessions. 
Texture.
Music. 
Surprise. 
Sensation. 
Voicing what you want. 
Clear boundaries and room to play within those rules. 
Rather than giving thought to whether the movie should exist or if it will literally destroy a generation, give thought to your own story. You do not need to save the world. How about we first save ourselves?
Does your body need your attention? Does your spouse’s body need your attention?
Fifty Shades of Grey gives a lot of attention to bodies.  This is another thing I learned: It is especially important for those of us who’ve struggled with bodies being GOOD and BEAUTIFUL and perfectly made by a GOD YOU LOVES YOUR BODY — to intentionally focus your own loving attention on your body.
Where have you been limited in your thinking about your body?
Where have you settled for “mediocre” in making love? 
Is sex an obligation? Is it something you do to make babies? Is it something you do for attention? 
How do you move? Could you move differently?
What is your sensory experience? Could you add […]

By |February 13th, 2015|Love and Making It|0 Comments|

Passionals Newsletter Sign Up Now

Love and Making It
is about to start a new season
Hey, my friend! It’s time for us to start something new together. 
At one point or another you’ve read the blog, seen me speak live, or taken an ecourse and I want to THANK YOU for that. Thank you for joining me here. Thank you for being brave enough to even start reading and thinking about how to make your life better, braver, and more beautiful … even IN bed.  This is my passion = helping you find your passion.  
*****
I am floored by the good work I’ve been lucky enough to see some of you do. You’ve been brave. You’ve literally changed your marriages and lives by engaging with the heart and soul of LOVE AND MAKING IT. Thank you for letting me share in a little of your awesomeness!
*****
I am reminded that we all need this place… even when we are busy, actually, because we are busy. We need reminders everyday to take good care of our love-lives, because it’s a strong current pulling us back to confusion, ambivalence, fear, dislike, and exhaustion.
There are so many forces pushing us away from healthy sex lives.  Health is a constant practice, we can’t work out one day and expect to be fit forever. We can’t read one good article about sex and expect our sex lives to be healthy. This is a practice. 
And so here we are, about to start a new season.  This year I have more content and more bravery of my own and I am excited to share it all with you, but you know it’s more than just the content here – it’s about action and new ways of training our thinking about our bodies. 
My goal this […]

Just Do It

If you love your husband but just can’t find the motivation or desire to have sex or initiate sex, this is the most practical help I can give:
Just Do It
I know it’s not romantic. I know it’s not ideal.
We want passion and an irresistible magnetic pull towards the love of our lives, but we do not live in Outlander or Twilight or 50 Shades.  No one is writing our romance for us – in OUR lives. We have to do the work of making time to love our spouse with not just our minds but our bodies too.
Many of us spend all day basically in our heads. Our bodies serve to carry our brains around and not much else (except to eat Chipotle! Thank you, mouth!). I mean, we work hard but we do not move our bodies for pleasure or mastery of movement.
This causes a disconnect between our minds and our bodies in that we are not accustomed to a life that requires a conscious, practiced connection between body, mind, and soul.  We move minimally or with rough, uninspired, exhausted actions throughout long days.
Then, we come home and our husbands (usually, but sometimes it’s the other way around) want to make sweet love… and we are so disconnected from our body that it feels foreign, awkward, and… well, like a lot of work, to get up the energy to have sex.
BUT if they hang in there with us and push through the initial rejection (miracle!) then we kiss and kissing turns to sex… and most of the time, we are really, really glad we did have that sex.  We really love our spouse and making love to them is a good thing.

It’s a lot like […]

With my body I thee worship

I closed my eyes and spoke to you in 100 silent ways. – Rumi
 
Using sex as a way to temporarily satiate a craving is like gulping a fine wine or perfectly-aged scotch to quench your thirst, and then wondering why you are still thirsty and your throat has started burning.
 
When we are quiet and settled, we notice the profound stirrings simple physical touches wake in us: fingers intertwined, lips kissing the inside of a wrist, the bump of a fist, a hug.
When we move too quickly and desperately, we grab and suck whatever we can to calm our nerves and queasy stomachs.
We were made for more and we know it.
You were made to worship and be worshipped because of the infinite beauty and glory in you. The fast, shallow or chaotic moments most of us experience are not the way we were designed to know each other.

The original Old English marriage vows in the Common Book of Prayer…
“With this ring, I thee wed, with my body, I thee worship…”

Old English Definition of Worship: Giving honor and admiration; acknowledging worth… worth-ship.
This is not sacrilege, this is sacred.  Sex is sacred – spending time on the utter appreciation of one child of God
*****
In making love to your spouse, are you communicating their worth, to you and to God?  Are you taking in each inch of them the way you would your absolute favorite “thing” in the world?  After sex with you, does your spouse feel more connected to God and more themselves in their perfectly created “naked” and “shameless” form?
*****
I love Degas paintings. I could pour over one; seeing the brush strokes and colors… think about what it must have been like in the room as each swash of pain […]

Tickets to the sex show

As far as I know, you are not having sex so other people can watch.
You do not sell tickets to the sex show in your home. 
You are not trying for any awards.
The camera is not panning across your taught abdomen as your spouse’s equally taught abs slowly lower onto you, the light languid but grateful in its luck at caressing your skin.  
When you have sex, it is not for an audience.  
So, why do we care so much what we look like while having it?  Why do we care what other people think?  And, are we so wrapped up in doing everything “for show” online that we have forgotten how to let sex be a sacred and intimate place worthwhile even in its secrecy?
Let’s discuss…
*****
First of all:
We are so accustomed to watching other people kiss and make love on screens that our own experiences are often “watched” inside our own mind’s eye rather than experienced with our whole selves…with all of our senses.  We are outside the actual experience. 
What if we focused our attention back to the present moment?  How does this feel, smell, taste? What is each part of my body experiencing right now? What am I loving?  How would I describe this sensation or moment?
It absolutely DOES NOT matter what anyone {no audience, ex, or imaginary judge} would think of how you look or perform during sex.
The only thing that matters is the connection between you and your partner. 
What would change if we believed that?
 *****
Second of all:
We are so accustomed to watching other people kiss and make love that our own bodies are measured against templates they were not meant to be measured by.
Learn to enjoy yourself and your spouse – as you are. […]

Push up Bra

Has anyone ever accidentally grabbed or brushed against your breasts?
(That is, if you have breasts… if you don’t, have you ever accidentally grabbed or fondled or brushed against someone else’s breasts?)
It’s happened to most everyone at some point or another.  You are in some close space and people are moving around.  Breasts stick out and hands or arms often accidentally brush against those soft bumpers.  The second after it happens, when it registers in everyone’s minds that breasts have been touched, eyes dart up in shock and embarrassment before blinking hard to break the stare.  But do not fear, this is not necessarily a moment of awkward embarrassment for both of you. 
See: The intimacy of the moment is the direct inverse to the push-up-ness of the bra on said breasts.  

 

 

 

 

 

 
Wearing ^^ THIS ^^ is like wearing boob armor. Bump against them all you want, it’s not really ME. The real me is hiding behind inches of padding and water or gel or air.  
(That picture is so airbrushed, the bottoms of her pretend breasts are pinched up in the bra. It kind of hurts me.)
That’s the kind of bra to wear to a mosh pit or first date. If someone gets too handsy, you’ll hardly notice.
If the woman is wearing an unlined bra where her breasts actually reach the edges of the cloth and her skin feels the movement of cotton or hands, then it is entirely different. The level of vulnerability goes way up.
More padding = Less vulnerable  |  Less padding = More vulnerable
How much armor are you wearing?
Can you be touched?  We are not just talking about bras, now. How far away is your inner self from the surface of your skin?  I call that […]

Think About Sex – Step One

Day 1: How to have good sex? = Think about sex.
I don’t mean just “think about sex” like a soda erupting; shaking it up and then shooting sticky thoughts all over the place. (Those cans are small but they manage to cover everything when they explode. The same goes for sexual thoughts.)  No, no. I mean, think about sex in very specific ways: disciplined, new, brave ways.
First of all:
Who do you want to want to have sex with? (this is not a typo)
Who do you want to want to have sex with?  You may not want to have sex at all, especially if you do not like your own self (more on that soon). You may not want to have sex if you are angry with the person you’ve agreed to have sex with otherwise OR You may want to have sex with an inappropriate person.
Who do you need to start focusing your passionate + positive mental attention on?
 *****
Try This:
Name them. Write their name down in your own handwriting. Take time to form each letter. Imagine each letter as a part of them {their person + body} that you notice and trace.
Take the name of your spouse or beloved or even yourself and write it down.
This will move the image of them in your mind…  the thought of their existence, their soul, your history together… from your mind to your hand. Write their name in the physical world.
Notice how the thoughts in your head can connect to the actions of your body.  Notice how the movements can change and go fast or slow, hard or soft.  How did you write it? How could you write it differently a second time?  What if you wrote […]

31 Days of Love and Making It

Hey Friends!
All throughout October I am participating in the Write 31 Days blogging challenge. For 31 days straight I will be writing daily on: LOVE & MAKING IT.
If you are new here, I often talk about Beauty and Sex, Bravery and New Perspectives. My passion is to talk about passion – the lack or the abundance – and if we can have 31 straight days of inspiration and conversation around sex… then EVERYONE WINS!
*****
{We are up and running… here’s a few of the posts in the series if you’d like to jump on in. You can always click on the LOVE AND MAKING IT link at the top to see all posts under that topic, as well.}
Push-Up Bra
In the Biblical Sense
Tickets to the Sex Show
Naked Whispering Gallery
And back to the original post…
*****

We think we have to love our bodies in order to really enjoy sex. But…

What if we had sex in order to enjoy our bodies?
What if our marriage {bed} could be the place where we bring our whole selves, without fear or pretense, to experience freedom, fun, excitement, healing, passion, and beauty… LIFE to the Fullest?
What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?
*****

My hope is that by the end of October, we will all have 31 reminders about why God gave us bodies… and we’ll know better how to use them for GOOD.
 
Single?
Married?
Male?
Female?

Everyone is welcome.
 
Have questions about sex that you want me to address?
Tweet me:  @nicoletteromero
There’s just something good about being able to talk about anything without shame or guilt. There’s just something good about being proud of the BODY + SOUL you’ve got. There’s just something extra good about finding new ways to love and make it with your […]