self esteem

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

Through the first season of Love and Making it, I discovered one important thing and it is this… most Christian women do not fully enjoy having sex.  Whether it’s our body image, past purity lessons, exhaustion, cultural messages, or a plethora of other issues, we have a hard time enjoying our sex lives to the fullest.
This is an immediate problem and one we need to address. Not only for our husbands but for our own lives.  Don’t give up on your body being and feeling GOOD. Everything God makes is good. He said so.  SIGN UP FOR THE NEW eCOURSE Starting February 1st!  GO HERE.
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What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?
 
We think we have to love our bodies in order to enjoy sex. But…

What if we had sex in order to enjoy our bodies?
 
What if sex was a way to care for your body instead of a way of demanding something from it?
No matter how you spend your day feeling – beautiful or terrible – about your body, you CAN let sex be a building up and not a stripping away of your self worth. 
What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?
We have it in our heads that we are supposed to be something specific before we can be sexy. We have it in our heads that we are supposed to feel a certain way before we can have great sex. This is only true as long as you believe it. The miraculous thing about a marriage and about the relationship between a loving and little-bit-brave couple, is that there really are no set rules.
You get to create your own world where YOU are the definition of […]

Making Love

“You sure do write about sex a lot.”
Yes. That’s true, but I didn’t expect this. I’ve never cared much either way about sex, honestly. It’s not on my mind that often… not that you’d believe me with all this Love and Making It talk. 
But something happened to me after my second baby was born and sex has become my yoga, my running, my self-care, my way back to loving my body and learning that my “self” is more than what is just in my head. I am not just a soul or an intellect. I am a body too.  And this body is good – as good and perfectly created as my soul. Sex has become a the way I grow as a human, a Christian, a woman. My body and soul are reuniting and getting to know each other.  This is why I keep talking about sex. I believe our bodies are good for way more than short bursts of pleasure from food or quick orgasm.  Our bodies are much wiser and complicated than we give them credit for on a normal day. 
Ask anyone who has a workout they absolutely love (a runner, a yogi…) and they will tell you how that exercise brings them joy and endorphins and knowledge and self confidence and health.
Movement. Courage. Vulnerability. Fun. Play. Appreciation.
This is sex. It’s not just mechanics.  We are making love. It’s not easy, but it should be fun. And it can grow us as humans, if we let it.  Growing in the areas that make sex great, also make life great. 
The keys to great sex are trust, bravery and love. 
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Sex is complicated, for sure.  No one has been handed a clear and […]

By |November 27th, 2013|Love and Making It|6 Comments|

Don’t Touch My Boobs

Friends, this post is a huge part of why I wanted to start this series in the first place – the topic here is universal and it is also secret.  My guest is a woman who rocks my world with her powerful writing, friendship, teaching, and hilarity.  Enjoy this next post in our Love and Making It Series!
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I flinch when my husband touches my boobs. I don’t know how else to tell you that except for just outright. So there it is. I flinch when my husband touches my boobs. Even when I am enjoying it (yes, I just went there and you don’t even know my name!) Now, that we know where this is headed, let’s back it up a little bit.
My name is Abby Norman, I am the mother of two hilarious girls and the wife of one great man. We met during my freshman year of college when I was not looking for a man. When my grandpa asked me if I was dating anyone, I told him no. I was dating everyone. I don’t think he had ever been prouder of me. I was not going to date seriously until I was a junior.
God had different plans. I was engaged a year after that conversation with my grandfather and married a year after that. I wasn’t dating anyone my junior year. I was married to him. That was almost nine years ago. And still, when my husband touches my boobs, the automatic response from my brain is “no-touching!” Perhaps I need to back up even further.
My parents never shied away from the sex talk. I knew that sex was for married people before I even knew what sex was. Anytime […]

Definitions

What is that called? What is that for?
It’s a fork and we use it to eat.
How do you know that?

We accept a lot of definitions, but how do we  know for sure? What we believe defines how we will act and behave and LIVE.  I’m using “FORK” as an example…
I know it’s a fork because someone told me. Our parents and our parents’ parents all agreed on this word and this function. This is cultural knowledge passed down without question: It’s a fork and we use it to eat.  
 
Have you seen the The Little Mermaid. My sister and I loved that movie growing up.  I can sing it by heart. It’s where my weird fork example comes from. 
Do you remember the scene about the fork?
Ariel, the mermaid, is told by a friend that a fork is called a “dinglehopper” and it’s used to comb hair.  Ariel believes this friend knows how the world works and trusts his definition.  If you say it’s a dinglehopper and everyone uses it to comb hair, awesome! Combing away… 
But, see, it’s a funny scene to us because we know the truth. We KNOW that’s NOT how you use that. That’s NOT what that’s for! That’s a fork! That’s hilarious! Crazy mermaid!
But she doesn’t know. She only knows what she’s been taught to believe. This is a dinglehopper… this is what that’s for… combing away…
She had misinformation.
 
My cousin babysat my toddler girl and taught her a fabulous new “rule” about life, “If you want to get something from your mom, just use the magic word! It’s the best way to have mommy get you what you want.  And the magic word is – “NOW”.
‘Mommy, ice water, Now!’ […]

When Your Body is a Minefield

LOVE and MAKING IT is a new series on sex and marriage, bodies and souls. It will be candid and sometimes messy.  It’s not just about having a great sex life; it’s about having a great body life. I want one of those.  Read at your own risk.

I have noticed something about myself. I recoil when my husband touches my stomach or my sides – especially when I am sitting.
I do not like my stomach as it currently is. I would sure like it to change shape, be different, go away. And to touch it… is an act of aggression against me.
So, when my husband makes a loving move towards me… you know the one… The loving one where he is making a move …
It pisses me off. I can actually feel anger rise up from somewhere deep.
“How dare you touch my stomach?!”
That’s not good for our relationship – when my body is a minefield. He’s just happily walking through a beautiful wonderland (known as my body) and **BAM** land mine explosion.
“Get your hands off my belly!” 
(I don’t actually say that. If I did, I am pretty sure he would fall over in fits of laughter.)
 
We have been married for fourteen years, my husband and me. 14 years. I am pretty sure he knows my body better than I do. I’m trying to ignore parts and he’s trying to know all of me. And he still loves me lots. So, what’s my issue?
Even when we have someone who loves us, it can be hard to accept ourselves. And it can be even more frustrating because there’s “no good reason”. I have a partner who loves all of me, so I should just […]

Stop Hitting Yourself

Walking around the world, feeling disappointed in yourself, is never fun.  It sucks, actually. And, I fully realize that many of you are just fine with your fine selves, but I have a sneaking suspicion that many of us are not…  Still not, even after looking through 100’s of motivational pins on Pinterest.
(it’s like dieting. i am not dieting when i read about diets. … and i am not actually feeling better about myself when I read how i should feel better about myself… you don’t lose weight by reading about losing weight…)
 

It feels impossible to hit the target in life – to reach that sweet moment of pure joyful success – when all you do is practice hitting yourself.

You learn to hit the target you aim at.
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“What’s wrong with me?”
“I wish I was different…”
“Why did I say that?”

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I know it’s the same for me as it is for some of you – The voices inside my head can be loud, demeaning, demanding.  All I can see is how I don’t measure up and I wish I did.  I’m guilty under the law.  So, I throw stones

………….. at myself.
Stoning: Execute (someone) by throwing stones at them.
We stone ourselves. Without a proper trial, we sentence ourselves to a painful execution.  Each nasty thought, a stone.  Each critique without care, a stone.

I pick up each rough, dirty stone – each rough, dirty thought – aim and throw.  Pick, aim, throw. Pick, aim, throw. Pick, aim, throw.

But, in the black-comedy turns of life, we are too close to ourselves to properly execute the guilty. I chuck a stone at my own head and it bounces off – painful but not deadly. Another. Another. Bruises form. Wounds appear […]