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New eCourse for Valentine’s Day

Posted by Nicole on January 17, 2014

Love and Making It: Valentine’s Day Edition

An online course in feeling more beautiful and brave {in bed}

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CLASS IS NOW CLOSED. A NEW CLASS WILL START IN THE SPRING. EMAIL 1000STRANDS@GMAIL.COM FOR MORE INFORMATION.

Love and Making It – Valentine’s Day Edition
28 Days to more Beauty and Freedom {in bed}


Then, don’t forget to email 1000strands@gmail.com
to let me know you are in!

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We think we have to love our bodies in order to really enjoy sex. But…

What if we had sex in order to enjoy our bodies?

What if our marriage {bed} could be the place where we bring our whole selves, without fear or pretense, to experience freedom, fun, excitement, healing, passion, and beauty… LIFE to the Fullest?

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

 

After talking with hundreds of women about this topic (online, in small groups, around dinner tables, in secret FB groups, and even on stage) I can tell you without a doubt that women, especially Christian women, are not at home in their bodies and not enjoying sex the way we could. I bet that doesn’t surprise you. We know we are not happy in our bodies. We know we drag ourselves to “business time” kinds of love making. We adore our husbands, but sex is just… complicated.

We go into the nights of our marriages with a familiar conversation between ourselves and our spouses… sometimes these happen out loud with the actual husband… sometimes they are all in our minds.

“Hello, I am me. The me that you married.  Still me. I didn’t magically grow breasts or lose weight since last time we met here.”

“Hello, I know. I like you.”

“I’m all you’ve got, I suppose. Wanna have sex? I hear you like sex because, you know, you are a male. And I’m your only option. Sorry about that. Here. Here’s my body. Let’s do something with it, but I’m tired so please don’t take too long. And please ignore the ugly parts so you can get turned on and I can feel like a good wife. Ok? Bring the lubricant.”

There’s so much more for us! It does not have to stay that way! It can get so much better! Mind-blowingly better.

Join me for 28 days of support, counseling, laughs, hands-on activities, and soul-searching. In the end, you will feel more convinced than ever (maybe even for the first time) that YOUR BODY is BEAUTIFUL and the link between your body and your soul is much stronger than you knew.

Beautiful in Bed Question

You get to create your own world where YOU are the definition of beautiful. YOU are the definition of sexy. Your spouse is the definition of sexy! You are not his consolation prize. You are spectacular.

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This February, choose love for yourself and for your spouse. Come, spend a month with us as we learn to love this body and love with this body. It’s time to come alive {in bed}

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Love and Making It is designed to:

*Help identify what keeps us from enjoying sex

*Inspire us to excavate our desires and passions

*Free us from the lies we believe about our beauty and worth

*Give us tools and practices to help us find our BRAVE in bed

*Tattoo truths on our hearts so we never again forget how BEAUTIFUL we are

*extra bonus: Your husband will be very, very, very grateful and happy.

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WHEN: February 1-28, 2014

WHAT: Daily inspiration and prompts from Nicole. A specifically designed, confidential FB group for community and support. Three group video conference calls with everyone who can make it, designed to encourage and challenge.  One heart-to-heart with just Nicole.

WHO: Married women will get the most out of this course, but all are welcome.

PRICE: $28, Honesty, a Sense of Humor, CONFIDENTIALITY (there are 2 scholarships available for the money. No one can give you humor or integrity)

28 days – designed to provide a new freedom and beauty {in bed} for $28

(CLASS IS NOW CLOSED. A NEW CLASS WILL START IN THE SPRING. EMAIL 1000STRANDS@GMAIL.COM FOR MORE INFORMATION.)

HERE’S HOW TO SIGN UP:

1. Pay through Paypal.




 

2. Send me an email at 1000strands@gmail.com letting me know you paid and MOST IMPORTANTLY with the email address you use on Facebook so I can find you and add you to the group.

Once you sign up, you will soon receive a welcome email from me and an invitation to the secret FB group that will start to heat up on January 31st. Be sure to send me an email at 1000strands@gmail.com with your name and Facebook email address.

I will close the sign ups on February 1st or when we reach our maximum.  I want to know each woman and talk to every one of you one-on-one so the class will be limited. SIGN UP TODAY!

Any questions? Email Nicole at 1000strands@gmail.com

**Plus! Because of a generous donor, we have 2 scholarships so please email me if you’re stuck in a really rough patch. (1000strands@gmail.com subject line “Love and Making It Scholarship)

Love-and-Making-it-ecourse1

Posted in Beauty SOS47, Love and Making It, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , | 8 Comments »

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

Posted by Nicole on January 15, 2014

Through the first season of Love and Making it, I discovered one important thing and it is this… most Christian women do not fully enjoy having sex.  Whether it’s our body image, past purity lessons, exhaustion, cultural messages, or a plethora of other issues, we have a hard time enjoying our sex lives to the fullest.

This is an immediate problem and one we need to address. Not only for our husbands but for our own lives.  Don’t give up on your body being and feeling GOOD. Everything God makes is good. He said so.  SIGN UP FOR THE NEW eCOURSE Starting February 1st!  GO HERE.

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What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

 

We think we have to love our bodies in order to enjoy sex. But…

What if we had sex in order to enjoy our bodies?

 

What if sex was a way to care for your body instead of a way of demanding something from it?

No matter how you spend your day feeling – beautiful or terrible – about your body, you CAN let sex be a building up and not a stripping away of your self worth. 

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

We have it in our heads that we are supposed to be something specific before we can be sexy. We have it in our heads that we are supposed to feel a certain way before we can have great sex. This is only true as long as you believe it. The miraculous thing about a marriage and about the relationship between a loving and little-bit-brave couple, is that there really are no set rules.

You get to create your own world where YOU are the definition of beautiful. YOU are the definition of sexy. Your spouse is the definition of sexy too!  This is your game and no one can disqualify you from playing to the very end.

Do not let the rules of the fickle world define your marriage {bed}.

Sometimes we go into the nights of our marriages with a familiar conversation in our heads between ourselves and our spouses… sometimes these happen out loud with the actual husband… sometimes they are all in our minds.

“Hello, I am me. The me that you married.  Still me. I didn’t magically grow breasts or lose weight since last time we met here.”

“Hello, I know. I like you.”

“I’m all you’ve got, I suppose. Wanna have sex? I hear you like sex because, you know, you are a male. And I’m your only option. Sorry about that. Here. Here’s my body. Let’s do something with it, but I’m tired so please don’t take too long. And please ignore the ugly parts so you can get turned on and I can feel like a good wife. Ok? Bring the lubricant.”

It’s depressing.

It doesn’t have to be like this. It doesn’t.

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

You are not his consolation prize. You are spectacular. And I bet your husband knows it way better than you do. You can’t see your light and your beauty, but he can. He doesn’t want to have sex with you because he has no choice and you are his only relief from the need.  He wants to have sex with you because sex with you is like the best thing ever.

LISTEN… I did not say that sex is the best thing ever. I am assuming you are not married to a 15-year-old boy from Superbad.

Sex with YOU, is the best thing ever.

Imagine how you feel when you have a conversation where the other person really GETS you. You laugh til your face hurts. You create inside jokes. You admit a deep fear and they totally understand – they admit their own fear and you cry a moment together. At the end of the night, it feels like no time and an infinite time have gone by and your soul is at rest.

This is sex for your husband. And it can be for us too.

It can be a place of knowing and healing – like a great conversation. You come to it when you feel sad or happy, brave or shy, beautiful or ugly. You come to your marriage bed {which doesn’t have to be a bed} as yourself and you have the “conversation” with him. Some days it can be wild and fun. Some days it can be careful and healing. But we have to stop prejudging what sex is supposed to be like or we will never have any kind of sex but the obligatory kind. And that just sucks. Who wants that life?

We have to be willing to come to it as we are, with no qualifications except commitment and love. You are allowed to be loved like this.  <<<<<Bold, Italic, Underline.

You are allowed to be free and honest EVEN while making love.

What if the next time you have a headache, you said, “Honey, I have a headache, can we please have sex tonight?”  (Imagine!)

What if having a headache meant it was a good time to have sex?

 

What if sex was allowed to be as relaxing as a massage?

What if sex was allowed to be as invigorating as spin class?

What if sex was allowed to surprise you?

What if it could be whatever you needed like a great conversation with your best friend?

What if you were allowed to be loved just as you are in bed?

What if you were allowed to feel beautiful in bed?

I’m just saying, you probably have rules about what making love is “supposed” to be like that maybe it’s time to question, because if you are married, this will always be a thing.

 Beautiful in Bed Question

 Beautiful in bed answer

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I do not write from a place of all-knowing, either. I am just a girl who struggles hard with beauty and expectations. I always, always preach to myself.  I’ve been through injuries and depression and I’ve seen my marriage bed be a major place of care and fun and healing in the midst of all my “stuff” over the last five years {married for 14 years but the last 5 have demanded I look my fears and desires in the eyes} – and I want the same for your marriage too.

It is a month until Valentine’s Day – second only to your husband’s birthday as the day great sex is “supposed” to happen. Forget the “supposed to”!!!  For me, the best way to work through expectations, and a build-up like Valentine’s Day, is to get a jump start on them. So, this month we are going to start talking about LOVE and MAKING IT again so that by the time Valentine’s Day actually gets here, you’ve had so much fun with your spouse that it’ll just be one day in a sea of awesome days in bed together.  And in the long run, I hope you never feel obligated to have sex again.  Do it for you not just for him! After this month, sex will move from the “For Him” column and into the “For Us” or even the “For Me” column – because once we start looking at sex as something for us too, it will be way more fun.

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I’m starting a 28 day online group and ecourse on February 1st –  where we can talk safely, confidentially, and openly about how to have more freedom and fun in {bed}.

SIGN UPS ARE NOW LIVE: Go HERE for the Class Info Page.

ALSO….
Obviously, there are a couple filters to read these Love and Making It posts through: I am married. I am female. I am straight. I believe in Jesus. These characteristics define the things I know and my experiences, but they do not mean I want to exclude other voices from this conversation.  Please always feel free to comment below or email me if you want to keep it between us.

 

Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: , , , , , | 13 Comments »

Don’t Touch My Boobs

Posted by Nicole on November 21, 2013

Friends, this post is a huge part of why I wanted to start this series in the first place – the topic here is universal and it is also secret.  My guest is a woman who rocks my world with her powerful writing, friendship, teaching, and hilarity.  Enjoy this next post in our Love and Making It Series!

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I flinch when my husband touches my boobs. I don’t know how else to tell you that except for just outright. So there it is. I flinch when my husband touches my boobs. Even when I am enjoying it (yes, I just went there and you don’t even know my name!) Now, that we know where this is headed, let’s back it up a little bit.

My name is Abby Norman, I am the mother of two hilarious girls and the wife of one great man. We met during my freshman year of college when I was not looking for a man. When my grandpa asked me if I was dating anyone, I told him no. I was dating everyone. I don’t think he had ever been prouder of me. I was not going to date seriously until I was a junior.

God had different plans. I was engaged a year after that conversation with my grandfather and married a year after that. I wasn’t dating anyone my junior year. I was married to him. That was almost nine years ago. And still, when my husband touches my boobs, the automatic response from my brain is “no-touching!” Perhaps I need to back up even further.

My parents never shied away from the sex talk. I knew that sex was for married people before I even knew what sex was. Anytime those semi-awkward “making out in bed then cut to black” scenes showed up on the tv when we were in the room my mom would tell us. That is sex. It is good. It is for married people.

In the third grade, sitting in the Target parking lot, I learned that sex was for making babies. I mentioned that I was excited that my teacher said we were going to learn about that. My mom saw no reason to wait, and the birds and the bees were explained next to the red cart corral. No blushing, just the facts.

In middle school I remember my dad mentioning that married sex was about as much fun as you could possibly have this side of heaven. When I was engaged and my mom and I were on our way to Victoria’s Secret to pick out a white teddy for the first night. We had this conversation:

Mom: Do you know where your clitoris is?

Me: Yes.

Mom: Good. After you know that you can figure the rest out.

I say all this to say, I was raised in a pretty body positive environment.

I was encouraged to save sex for marriage, and I did. I saved a lot more than just sex. In high school I invented “the bathing suit rule.” If it was covered up by a bikini on me or mens swim trunks on him, we shouldn’t be touching it until we were married. Kissing was about as far as I wanted to go. This rule wasn’t perfect and I wasn’t perfect at following it. But for the most part it worked for me and thus getting to the wedding night with my husband having never touched or seen my boobs before.

I didn’t date a million guys, but I did date a few in high school. I don’t know how else to say this but they all wanted to touch my boobs. Though we would talk about “the rules” prior to becoming officially boyfriend/girlfriend apparently that wasn’t what either of us were thinking about while making out in someones basement. I learned to have a healthy defense. The hand went to far up the shirt…my elbow came down pretty hard. Problem solved. I learned to have automatic defense mechanisms and they worked for me. And I want to take the time to say, I was grateful for these rules and the frank conversations I had about them. They kept me out of a lot of places I didn’t want to go. And those were firmly my decisions, not something someone else just decided for me. I think it saved me a lot of heartache and frankly spared me a lot of jerks who were not interested in dating someone who wouldn’t take her pants off for them. I am glad I had the rules and made the choices I did regarding my sexual choices.

But now, how do I turn off the rules? It has been nine years and two babies. You would think they would have turned themselves off by now. But they haven’t, when I get turned on. So does the track in my head. “DEFENSE! DEFENSE!” Only, there isn’t any need for a defense. There is nothing to protect me from. My husband is loving and caring and respectful. There has never been a moment where has he has done anything I have ever been uncomfortable with. And yet…I flinch when he touches my boobs. I have to remind myself that it is allowed.

I don’t bring this up very often but I have found a few friends who have the same problem. Why is no one talking about this? I was given solid and practical advice from the church when it came to keeping my pants on, but no practical advice when it came to taking them off. While I appreciated the soundtrack when it was necessary, how do I turn it off now?

Pray it away is the only advice I have ever been given. (Which is sort of lame considering the church promised me a perfect sex life if I just waited.) Sometimes prayer cuts it. Sometimes it doesn’t. I have noticed a direct correlation between how I feel about my body and how likely I am to bat a hand away. I am aware of the connection between the emotional connection I have felt for the past few days and the reaction I have to my husbands touch at night. I can work on those things too, but we both have jobs and two toddlers. As far as exercise routines and romantic getaways are concerned, we are already doing the best we can. Still, the flinching.

As a couple, my husband and I have talked about this recording in my head, and we work through it when we need to. But I wish we could join in on larger conversations already happening. The church is the place where I was taught to think like this. Now, can they please help me stop?

 

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abby-norman

Abby Norman lives and loves in the city of Atlanta. She has two hilarious children and a husband that doubles as her copy editor and biggest fan. If two in diapers and a full time job teaching English at a local high school don’t keep her busy, you can find her blogging at accidentaldevotional.com. When Abby grows up she hopes to see her words on a bookshelf somewhere. She is finally working toward her dreams.

Posted in Beauty SOS47, Love and Making It | Tagged: , , , , , | 18 Comments »

Beautiful Scars

Posted by Nicole on November 7, 2013

All beautiful you are my darling, there is no flaw in you.
Song of Songs 4:7

It seems pretty absurd to believe we are without flaw, doesn’t it?

Massive cultural and financial structures are built on us believing there is something wrong with us; that we must destroy and annihilate all these “flaws” on our bodies through surgery and chemicals and anything else we can buy. We are told by 1,000s of songs, commercials, movies, magazines, and actual people, how we “should” be and how we are definitely NOT.  We are all aware of every possible physical flaw.

To hear a message that we are already all beautiful is so foreign a concept that it feels false and trite and rather stupid. Ask anyone at anytime today and they can tell you one thing about themselves that is decidedly ugly. If you’re silly enough, you can ask and they’ll tell you something about you too.

And if you are like me, you still remember the things people said were wrong with your body years and years ago.

Because of all this, even starting this conversation feels like a waste of time. No matter how much I tell you that you are beautiful and formed perfectly, all it takes is one magazine cover or a boyfriend’s inattention or callous comment and you could be lost again. I know. I know. 

I want to undo my brainwashing (more on brainwashing tomorrow).  So, I am starting with one item at a time and relearning the truth about myself. 

If I am brutally honest, my biggest struggle recently is that most days I see my stretch marks as a failure. I am an embarrassment. Some mothers have abs of steel but I do not. We applaud and congratulate those without stretch marks or evidence of birthing a baby.  This leads me to believe showing physical evidence of birthing a child (well, other than the actual child walking around) is a bad thing. No one is congratulating each other for having stretch marks.  There’s no “SWEET Stretch Marks, Nicole!” high five! 

Even when I work out and weigh my healthiest weight, they are still there… the scars… the ugliness…the lack of high fives. 

I read that bible verse, supposedly a word from God, and I do not agree with it at all….

 

“All beautiful you are my darling, there is no flaw in you.”

Well that’s just B.S.

There are things about us that are absolutely not beautiful… how can we reconcile those lovely words of scripture with the beliefs we currently have about ourselves?  I disagree with God … and where I disagree with God, it’s pretty obvious who is wrong, but how do I deal with this?

In the end, what has most helped me is the story I tell myself – the way I frame the truth. I can tell a story of a girl living in a world where stretch marks are hideous and an obvious failure of character. (I lack discipline, money for the proper creams, and the love of God that delivers hot abs.) Or I can tell a story of a girl living in a new kind of world, one where the rules are upside down … and everyone is beautifully made, we just can’t see it yet.

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Imagine this story:

One night my little girls are snuggled in their beds. The blankets curl around small, soft bodies. Stuffed animals of every variety litter their floor. My husband and I sleep soundly in our room, my right foot touching his leg as we sleep.

Suddenly the room is full of smoke. Fire. There’s a fire in our house but not in our room. Our room is full of smoke and I can hardly see. I already have a headache and cannot find the door. My husband is not in bed, he must have jumped up and run out without thinking. I stumble to the patio slider to open it and let out smoke before running deeper into the house for the girls. Before I can even get to their room, my husband climbs out, carrying the two most precious things we will ever know – our girls. They are crying but alive, barely burnt. As the sirens approach, I look at my husband and see that he is collapsing on the ground, badly burned. He gave our girls life but he will be forever scarred by the experience.

A year later, we are together and healthy and happy. My husband has healed, but he has scars on his face and arms. They no longer physically hurt but they will always be a visual reminder of that night. They are warped and rough. I run my fingers gently on his cheek as we kiss and I know two things to be true: my husband is brave and when our girls needed him, he gave them life. Every time my fingers touch his scars, I am filled with so much respect and gratitude that I can hardly contain my love for him, my husband who gave our kids life when no one else could.

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Imagine if I saw my own scars like the ones my husband has in that story. Imagine if I saw my scars as a source of pride and love. These scars that I carry because I gave my kids life, they are beautiful. I risked my own body and life in order to give them theirs. We take pregnancy and birth lightly now, but they are not light at all. They are acts of bravery and power and generosity.  The physical evidence of being a mom is not shameful, it is gorgeous. 

What if every time I ran my fingers over my scars, I was proud? What if I allowed my husband to love my scars, to feel proud of me and respect and love me even more for them and not in spite of them?

We all carry scars – both physical and psychic. Freckles on our faces from days in the sun. Tears that spring up when we see a father yell at a child. Small lines of scar tissue on a thigh.  Surgeries, accidents, acts of bravery or despair …  We carry them with shame when we really are allowed to carry them with honor. Our scars tell our story. We just need to frame it differently.  We are allowed to celebrate and lament and celebrate again.

So today,

If you love your spouse despite her body or her face, you have some serious work to do with your Maker.

If you love yourself despite your scars… if they shame you and make you want to hide… it’s time to tell yourself a new story.

We are loved by a God who is not ashamed of scars. We are loved by a Creator who carries His scars past death and into New Life – past resurrection and into Heaven on Earth – who asks friends to touch them and know who He is BECAUSE of His scars.

Grace and Peace to you today, Beautiful Friend. 

Wanna see my beautiful scars?! Hi five!

Posted in Beauty SOS47, Honest Home | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Definitions

Posted by Nicole on October 16, 2013

What is that called? What is that for?

It’s a fork and we use it to eat.

How do you know that?

We accept a lot of definitions, but how do we  know for sure? What we believe defines how we will act and behave and LIVE.  I’m using “FORK” as an example…

I know it’s a fork because someone told me. Our parents and our parents’ parents all agreed on this word and this function. This is cultural knowledge passed down without question: It’s a fork and we use it to eat.  

 

Have you seen the The Little Mermaid. My sister and I loved that movie growing up.  I can sing it by heart. It’s where my weird fork example comes from. 

Do you remember the scene about the fork?

Ariel, the mermaid, is told by a friend that a fork is called a “dinglehopper” and it’s used to comb hair.  Ariel believes this friend knows how the world works and trusts his definition.  If you say it’s a dinglehopper and everyone uses it to comb hair, awesome! Combing away… 

But, see, it’s a funny scene to us because we know the truth. We KNOW that’s NOT how you use that. That’s NOT what that’s for! That’s a fork! That’s hilarious! Crazy mermaid!

But she doesn’t know. She only knows what she’s been taught to believe. This is a dinglehopper… this is what that’s for… combing away…

She had misinformation.

 

My cousin babysat my toddler girl and taught her a fabulous new “rule” about life, “If you want to get something from your mom, just use the magic word! It’s the best way to have mommy get you what you want.  And the magic word is – “NOW”.

‘Mommy, ice water, Now!’

‘Mommy, can I watch a show, Now?!’

‘Now, get me my blanket!’

That sweet babe THOUGHT she was doing the right thing. But, all it did was make me burn with great vengeance and furious anger. “Heck no!”

She had misinformation.

So, I had to reteach her the real magic word; the one that strikes a generous, true, loving reaction in me… And it is of course, “Beautiful.”

“Beautiful, can I watch a show?”  yep, sure can!

 

We have misinformation in much more profound ways than how to use a fork (although I do think using “beautiful” as a magic word will do wonders).  We think we know all about beauty, food, sex, God… we think we know the realities of life. And they’re depressing for most of us! They suck, honestly.  

How many people do you know who are struggling – not only within work and money and relationships but within their hearts – truly struggling?  Often it’s because the definitions we are working with exclude US. I am not “beautiful”.  I’m not “sexy”. I’m not “successful”.

We cannot reconcile the messages and definitions we are getting about how life is supposed to be… how WE are supposed to be…  

Sometimes there is a hint within us that our working definitions are incorrect – questioning the established rules. (Ariel questioned her information too.)  We feel some hazy doubt about the way life is presented to us. On and off there’s a sense in each of us… is that REALLY the truth? This doesn’t feel quite right but we don’t question often or deep enough to change our beliefs…

Episodes of Scandal call to us, grocery shopping or crying kids demand our attention, or Pinterest’s seductive ways distract us really well and we stop questioning. 

We stop questioning, but the problem is that we are left with definitions that tear us apart.

What is beautiful? Who is qualified to be sexy or worthy of having amazing sex?  What is a Christian?

Today, I want to question my beliefs. Especially of the definitions causing me discomfort and pain.

Why do I believe this to be true?

Is there another way to look at this?

I can use a “dinglehopper” to comb my hair, but it is really better suited as a fork. They are actually quite sharp. 

I feel the same way about how I use those words: beautiful, sexy, christian…  Those words are really quite sharp and I need to constantly rethink how I use them – both on myself and with others.

If I am poking myself in the head with a sharp definition, perhaps it’s time to rethink how I am using it.

What if you believed you were beautiful?

What if you believed your life mattered?

What if you believed great sex was possible?

What if you believed you could overcome fear?

What if we changed our definitions?  In very practical ways, what if you chose to believe that your hair IS beautiful and you don’t need another bottle of shampoo?  What if you chose to believe that you are sexy and don’t need to hide under the covers or wrap a towel around yourself to hide the “bad” parts?

Imagine, just for a moment, that you had never seen anyone else ever having sex. Now, don’t get all shy, if you can use the internet I am pretty sure you have at some point seen someone else at least pretending to have sex. Just seeing them in these images has changed your definition of who gets to have sex, what it should look like, what the woman does and what her body looks like, what the man is supposed to do… etc.

Note: Someone else made that movie or picture; They chose an image or actor based on their tastes.

Imagine you didn’t have to measure up to someone else’s definition of sexy – and you could just BE it.

Imagine you didn’t have to measure up to someone else’s definition of beautiful and you could just BE it.

How would it change your life?

 -Nicole

 

 

 

 

Posted in Beauty SOS47, Wonderful Wrestlings | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Tonight I Can (a quick and honest thought on sex in marriage)

Posted by Nicole on October 4, 2013

LOVE and MAKING IT is a new series on sex and marriage, bodies and souls. It will be candid and sometimes messy.  It’s not just about having a great sex life; it’s about having a great body life. I want one of those.  Read at your own risk.

An Honest Prayer About Sex in Marriage

Tonight

I cannot shave

I cannot be thinner

I cannot grow or shrink my breasts

I cannot learn to dance on a lap or on a pole

I cannot be anything but me

But I can be brave and I can smile

I can kiss and I can love

I can move toward you instead of away

I can stop disqualifying myself from fun

For tonight I will to let you love me as I am in this very instant

not as I will be tomorrow or was yesterday

I can forget my age, weight, rules and responsibilities

I can decide to play for just a night with the love of my life

Tonight I can

 

 

(Addition: I sent this to my husband for his privacy-release, and his comment just made me laugh. “also, rereading your post… I get all the other things you can’t do by tonight… but why can’t you shave? That seems doable.”  yep, seems doable. I agree. but sometimes, it’s just not.)

 

An honest prayer about sex in marriage by Nicole Romero at 1000strands.com

Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments »

When Your Body is a Minefield

Posted by Nicole on August 3, 2013

LOVE and MAKING IT is a new series on sex and marriage, bodies and souls. It will be candid and sometimes messy.  It’s not just about having a great sex life; it’s about having a great body life. I want one of those.  Read at your own risk.

I have noticed something about myself. I recoil when my husband touches my stomach or my sides – especially when I am sitting.

I do not like my stomach as it currently is. I would sure like it to change shape, be different, go away. And to touch it… is an act of aggression against me.

So, when my husband makes a loving move towards me… you know the one… The loving one where he is making a move …

It pisses me off. I can actually feel anger rise up from somewhere deep.

“How dare you touch my stomach?!”

That’s not good for our relationship – when my body is a minefield. He’s just happily walking through a beautiful wonderland (known as my body) and **BAM** land mine explosion.

“Get your hands off my belly!” 

(I don’t actually say that. If I did, I am pretty sure he would fall over in fits of laughter.)

 

We have been married for fourteen years, my husband and me. 14 years. I am pretty sure he knows my body better than I do. I’m trying to ignore parts and he’s trying to know all of me. And he still loves me lots. So, what’s my issue?

Even when we have someone who loves us, it can be hard to accept ourselves. And it can be even more frustrating because there’s “no good reason”. I have a partner who loves all of me, so I should just be happy now, right?

((AND We all know my mom thinks I am beautiful!))

But, it never works like that. A husband or boyfriend can be an incredible advocate, support, encouragement, voice of truth… but they cannot fix you (as much as we could all cry ourselves to sleep listening to that Coldplay song). At the end of the day, whether we are single or married, we will not be healed until we accept our whole and always-changing selves.

This is actual self-acceptance I am trying for…
the kind where I accept into my reality a loving ownership of ALL of me.

 **********

Love and Making it (small)

Most of us struggle to embrace our entire bodies and this really hurts our relationships.

It is a huge obstacle to our making of the love.

How can you enjoy someone else loving your body when you are so completely convinced
it’s not good enough?

There is a part of you that you have trouble with. There is a part of your body that you dislike, try to disguise and ignore at all costs…That part, when your husband or lover touches it… it makes you cringe.  Right? Does this happen to you? Is this real for you too?  It pulls you, not just “out of the moment” but actually, into a moment of anger or embarrassment.

For me, my days go by with my mind – my consciousness – pulling away from the parts of my body that it does not deem attractive or beautiful. I am hardly aware of them as I wash dishes, go to work, play with my kids, because they cause me emotional pain and I don’t like pain. So my mind does me the favor of pulling far away from any awareness of them.

Consequently, when my husband touches my stomach, it is processed as a negative act – pulling my awareness back to something I am trying to ignore.

If lovingly touching some part of my body is actually an act of violence or embarrassment to my mind, then it is incredibly difficult for me to playfully and deeply enjoy sex.

Magazines may sometimes say to focus on the parts of you that you do love; that is a great first step in a healing story. If you don’t like any of your bits and pieces yet, you need to pick ONE to like today. Pick one. And then in a day or two pick another. BUT that’s not the end of the story. The goal is to be whole people. WHOLE.

This is why I am advocating for accepting our entire selves as beautiful and worth loving. My poor little belly deserves love too.  This is grace, you know. Allowing the parts of us we are trying to hide, trying to ignore, wish were different… allowing those parts to be cherished openly and completely, by ourselves, by God, by a lover — that’s GRACE.

This is why I care about believing our own beauty. I am believing in a future where I am full of love and care for my whole self and you for your whole self.  It’s not just about sex, but it’s a damn good place to start.  In the end, this is about our body lives.

WHERE DO WE EVEN START?

Men:

Want to know why your wife shies away all of a sudden when you touch her? I can’t guarantee she is like me, but she might be.  She does not like parts of her; when you touch them and remind her, this can make her hesitant and confusingly angry.

Ask her where is a safe, good place to touch her. Ask her what her favorite parts of her body are and place your hands on those.

Girlfriends:

You need to love the parts you hate. Do whatever it takes. Paint pictures on them. Lay your own hands on them. Pray energy and love into them. One by one, deactivate your body’s land mines.

And then, if you are in a relationship, intentionally ask your Love to put his hands there in a way that comforts and emboldens you. Notice that you do not die. Notice that he is still turned on by the hope of making love to you. The pain you feel at acknowledging the things you struggle with, he does not feel. He feels attraction and excitement at getting to touch your body. Go with it.

If he’s a good man, further along down the road of seeing your beauty than you are… go with it!

Then, have a glass of wine and forget it all. Just freakin enjoy being alive and healthy and able to move.

Your beauty is like gravity. It is factual and powerful. So, at some point, stop thinking about it and let it work.

Love and Grace.

-Nicole

 

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Helen of Troy

Posted by Nicole on July 22, 2013

Was this the face that launched 1,000 ships?

Oh, thou art fairer than the evening air

Clad in the beauty of a thousand stars;

Brighter art thou than flaming Jupiter
-Doctor Faustus

Are you worth fighting for?

HELEN OF TROY, the face that launched a thousand ships. She was so beautiful, so desired, so full of light that a legion of men fought to win her back.  Her beauty started the Trojan War and since then hundred of artists, writers, and poets have created beautiful things in her honor.

HELEN OF TROY – Was beautiful and she was worth fighting for.

Women grow up wanting to be beautiful and worth pursuing.  Our path into successful adulthood involves making ourselves accomplished and beautiful on the inside and out, so that a man will fight for us, pursue us, and invite us on a lifelong journey.

That is an incredibly simple synopsis. But it’s true for many of us: “Women, be beautiful and talented and a man will be attracted to you. He will find you and take care of you and bring you on his adventures.”

This story works for some people. It is a good story. But in a lifetime, we live many stories. This is one. We repeat this story because we do not know that there are more options.

There are other options.

Here’s a secret…  We are strong. We are capable. Putting on boots and going out into the world does not reduce your chances of success, it improves them.

What if we fought for ourselves and started to pursue our own adventures? What if we dreamed and worked and grew in strength, not to impress someone else who will finally pick us, but to reach a personal and amazing dream all our own?  What if we were willing to go to battle for ourselves?

We have instinctually learned that it is acceptable to rely on others to move forward in life – through movies, tv, princess stories…. all of it.  Both relationally and professionally, we have learned to fix ourselves all up, get pretty and talented, and then wait to get picked.  Like Jr. Highers at our first dance, we spend hours getting ready for that special night and then we just stand in the corner, playing with our shiny hair… and waiting to be asked to dance.

It’s a princess syndrome – a Helen of Troy inheritance… We forget that we have the ability to dance all on our own. (AND even better, we are no longer in Jr. High!)  The dance floor is open! We just need to have the perspective and courage to walk on out and get down with our bad selves.

It’s time to tell another story.

“I realized that searching for a mentor has become the professional equivalent of waiting for Prince Charming. We all grew up on the fairy tale “Seeping Beauty,” which instructs young women that if they just wait for their prince to arrive, they will be kissed and whisked away on a white horse to live happily ever after. Now young women are told that if they can just find the right mentor, they will be pushed up the ladder and whisked away to the corner office to live happily ever after.
Once again, we are teaching women to be too dependent on others.”
― Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead

“It’s a cultural instinct to wait to get picked. To seek out the permission and authority that comes from a publisher or talk show host or even a blogger saying, “I pick you.” Once you reject that impulse and realize that no one is going to select you–that Prince Charming has chosen another house–then you can actually get to work… No one is going to pick you.
Pick yourself.” – Seth Godin

Pick yourself. Listen to your heart, listen deeper than the outspoken parts that want to be picked. There is more in you still. Quiet dreams. Protected dreams. Hopes and longings your heart has held tight. If it sounds crazy, if it requires action and believing in your own worth – you’ve found it!

What if you chose to be your own Helen of Troy?

What if rather than waiting for your worth and beauty to be authorized, certified, and notarized by someone else, you decided to choose yourself?

You’re worth fighting for. Yours is a face that can launch 10,000 ships.

You are beautiful.

BE YOUR OWN HELEN OF TROY

 Beauty worth fighting for

If you really were as beautiful and talented as you always hoped someone else would think you were, what would you do for yourself? How far would you go and how hard would you fight for love – for yourself?

What are you waiting for? Stop waiting for someone else to notice your beauty and move a nation or ask you to dance. Be your own Helen of Troy. Choose yourself and your own adventures. Move nations and mountains and 1,000 ships for your own awesome self today.

-Nicole

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Outer Beauty

Posted by Nicole on July 19, 2013

I’m developing an allergy.

I get itchy just thinking about it.

I kept getting these rashes and I had no idea why. I’ve eaten this stuff all my life… loved it, told others to eat it. But, now… I’m allergic. And I’m done.

Have you ever eaten this stuff??

A big ol’ bowl of “She’s beautiful on the inside“

(scratch scratch scratch)

 

“Beauty isn’t about having a pretty face. It’s about having a pretty mind, a pretty heart, and most importantly a beautiful soul.”

Inner Beauty

 

“Beauty fades, Sweetheart, but stupid is forever.”

Stupid is forever

 

“Even when your beauty fades with age, you’re still glamorous at heart.”

Glamorous at Heart

 

I can’t breathe. WHERE’S MY EPIPEN!

I’m dying here, people. Dying.  That old lady IS BEAUTIFUL. Her beauty did not fade!!!  She is beautiful and glamorous inside AND OUT.

What if we could see that beauty does not fade?

This takes redefining “beauty” to a larger definition than just smooth skin and perky breasts.  To be clear, I am not talking about moving beauty away from those things. Smooth skin is beautiful. Perky breasts are beautiful. No one is able to look away from a set of perky, soft breasts. They speak comfort and some kind of magic wonder, like almost nothing else. We were all babies at one point. Breasts are awesome.  {{Tangent}}

What if we could work together to expand the edges of the Land of Beautiful? One person at a time…  Starting with the next woman you see who doesn’t give you that sugar-fix of pretty we are use to – take the time to readjust your brain and see her as beautiful, equal in worth and beauty to the next woman and the next.

We have such limited palates when it comes to beauty. Our tastes are so narrow. And we are missing out on some of the best people God has ever created.

Those amazing people are beautiful on the inside, and we can appreciate them for that, BUT we cannot forget that they are whole people. God made ALL of that person, her beautiful face and her beautiful soul. When we disregard the outer beauty of someone, we disregard an integral part of who they are. This causes a lot of pain.

Can I say that again? This causes a lot of pain, separating a soul from her body. Saying someone has a beautiful soul and that their outer beauty doesn’t matter or will fade or is shallow (or isn’t good enough to count), forces that soul to pull away from her body, the one she is made to love and care for and enjoy.

The soul pulls away, and both the body and soul suffer. I use to think this was holy, to see people’s hearts as beautiful and “see past” their outer appearance. Now, I am realizing how wrong that was. Now, I am realizing I must learn to really SEE all of them as beautiful. Beauty originates from the core of a person but it absolutely does not end there – it spreads to every inch of their body.

“Beauty is simply reality seen with the eyes of love”

Beauty reality

What if we learned to see that beauty has everything to do with our faces & bodies AND our hearts, minds & souls. The reality of WHOLE Beauty. What if we loved the whole person, inside and out, and were able to see their whole beauty?

Well, this would lead to improvement in every area of life.  Sex would improve a lot. If women believed they were beautiful as they are, not some second-rate booby-prize their man is stuck with… If men learned to see women as whole, beautiful people, not a dessert to satisfy a craving…

This could improve they way we treat each other across races. If we could see beauty IN people’s skin and faces, rather than waiting for a magical day when we “get past” appearance and see their hearts…. If we could equally value all kinds of beauty…

Now, I am an idealist. Yep. Sure am. And I know this is crazy talk.

Who cares? Isn’t this also the way it SHOULD be? AND isn’t the job of everyone who believes in God and believes in a better way, to bring light into dark and more of heaven to earth?

So, I will back up just a tad and say today, start with yourself and with a woman you love. Remind yourself and her that she is altogether beautiful with a beauty that does not fade. Whole beauty.

 

“You are altogether beautiful, My Darling, beautiful in every way.” SOS 4:7

 -Nicole

 

 

 

 

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Beautiful Women SOS

Posted by Nicole on July 11, 2013

I could tell you that you are beautiful…

but what would be the point of that?

 

You might believe me for a moment, but the first light breeze would blow that sucker right off

or

You’d think I was just saying it to make conversation

or

You’d think I was an idiot

 

It’s ok. I know. I’ve done it. 

In the past, when someone told me I was beautiful, I too was faced with a swift moral dilemma, because either that person was a Liar OR they had terrible taste and my opinion of them needed to go down a couple steps.

 

My husband says I am beautiful.  After almost 14 years of marriage, I must ignore my moral dilemmas here. Usually, I accept his compliments as a gift from God; that my husband has some kind of magic God-filter on his eyes. This is good, the God-filter.

But I don’t feel it. The words fly at me and they bounce off, like I have a force field against compliments. They can’t get in.

I do not, absolutely do not, almost never ever, feel beautiful. Do you?

 

Over the last few years, God has grabbed my heart on this issue, but I had to work on myself before I could start to speak it – write it – heal it in others.  I knew I needed to. I am a mother and a leader.  Like so many of you, I long to make the world more whole, more alive, more true – more aware of God in ALL things.  Brandy Patterson Walker is a woman fighting and leading the way into a wilder, more loving and free Way. As I was working on a piece for a her new book, “WILD GOSLINGS: engaging with kids in the mysteries of god” Brandy asked what I most want children (and those who teach and raise and love them) to know.  I’ve worked with kids and adults through all kinds of creative endeavors for years, and I’ve learned that no matter how much someone loves God, no matter how beautiful the things they create for Him; if they do not love the things God has made (including themselves), they cannot fully love God.

So, what did I want to contribute to WILD GOSLINGS? 

THIS:

As part of renewing the ways we see God, we must also renew the ways we see ourselves: Beautiful and Right.

**********

My daughter has a freckle on her cheek. Oh, how I love that freckle; it signifies all that is right in the world. Beauty boiled down into one small speck on one small girl.

I see her beauty. I have seen her beauty from the day she was born.

I expected my newborn baby to look, well, a little weird. They usually do, don’t they? They look like strange, little misshapen aliens. (It’s ok, we are friends, you can admit it.)  So, when my first baby was born, I was going to be objective. I was ready to see her strangeness and love her anyway – cone head, smooshed face, whatever! I would be the mother who was “honest” about my baby.

And then I saw her… we were both exhausted as our eyes met. I opened my mouth to speak and I couldn’t hide my surprise. The first words I directed towards that precious miracle were, “OH You ARE cute!” (amen. #motheroftheyear )

 

And she was. The truth of her beauty was undeniable to me.  From the moment of her birth, she has been beautiful and getting more beautiful by the day…

but there’s a looming tragedy on its way and I know it.

Someday she will be ugly. Someday she will be lumpy. I may sound terrible, but how many people have you thought looked ugly or weird or too fat or too skinny or something was wrong with their hair or face or body? 100’s and that’s being polite.

And every single one of those people was the daughter or son of Someone.

Someday my beautiful daughter will walk into a party and be eyed by 20 girls and 20 guys who will all judge and assess and critique and categorize her.

{{{{  Just writing those words makes my lungs close in on themselves.  }}}}

And she will learn the “truth” that she is deeply flawed.  This will be a tragedy and a lie from the actual pit of hell.

She will go home and look in the mirror with new eyes. No longer will she see the gorgeous creation she was as a child – made perfectly by a loving God, precious and beautiful and free. With disappointment and probably hate, she will see her face, her body, and she will never be the same.

I cannot let this happen. If this was a train, I would throw myself in front of it to save her. If this was a lion, I would fight it with my bare hands. If this was poison, I would drink so she could live. But, it’s more insidious than those things. This is 100000000’s of lies and creepy virtual insects crawling into our homes, our mirrors, our minds.

We cannot let this happen to our kids.  And we MUST start with realizing we cannot let this keep happening to ourselves.

I was not more beautiful as a child than I am now. My daughters are not more beautiful than me. We are not more beautiful at 1 or 5 or 8 than we are at 11 or 25 or 58. We have allowed ourselves to be lied to for too long. The truth is here and we must choose to believe it; for the sake of all the babies.

This is my new Start. This is what I am willing to fight for – for my children and for us to know that our beauty didn’t fade. We are all children of God: beautiful and right.  Believing the truth of our beauty is not an end or a way to just feel better about ourselves. This is the beginning of knowing God and the powerful people we are meant to be.

“All beautiful you are, My Darling. There is no flaw in you.” Song of Songs 4:7

You are beautiful. All Beautiful. Believe it.

 

Will you help me spread this truth? Can you believe you are beautiful? –Even one small part?  Can you help a friend see her own beauty today? 

I am putting out an SOS. We will call it #sos47 and my prayer is that it will be more contagious than all the judgement and false “perfection” we have been sick with.

 

SOS47

 

Also!! I could not be more excited and proud of Brandy’s new book and all the contributors; a group of people giving time and talent to making connections across beliefs and topics… Being brave enough to engage in the mysteries and wildness of God – with and for our children.  

Wild Goslings will be published July 15th.

by Brandy Walker

by Brandy Walker

 

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