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When We Were On Fire

Posted by Nicole on October 17, 2013

If you’ve read this blog since it’s inception, you know I am a woman of open and hopeful and thrashing faith. I believe in a big God who loves each individual… but that belief is a wrestling I do fresh every day. Like Jacob in Genesis, I wrestle and prevail, and like Jacob, I am constantly finding God in new places – finding Him Even Here.  I met Jesus by name in a youth group when I was 14.  This entry is a poetic remembering of that time as part of Addie Zierman’s synchroblog in honor of her beautiful new book:

When We Were On Fire.

 

We ran through fields and over chain-linked fences to escape the hands of the enemy, in practice for the rapture. Dropped off in the middle of the hills and left to find our way back to the school auditorium, we feared Jesus would someday leave us behind because we didn’t truly believe.

*

We sang at the top of our lungs with Joel Weldon at Hume Lake. We sang of love and hope and a Jesus who was everything. We knelt and sang quietly, trying to find the perfect pitch so Jesus would know we were worth loving… and so the boys next to us would too.

*

We piled in vans and went to outdoor festivals to rock for God. When we were on fire, we could do anything for God! We moshed for God. We bought tshirts for God. We floated on crowds who lifted us up on their hands – 1000s of hands lifting us up so we could be closer to God, voices of love and cheering and camaraderie.

*

We held hands and vowed to give our very bodies to God and only God, no matter what it took. And some of us kept our promises to ourselves and to God while some of us made babies… ones we kept and ones we did not.

*

When were were on fire, we shaped our gold into a god in the refining flames – A shape to worship that made sense and we could hold, until, in a fit of tears, we would melt our golden god down; reshaping Him again and again.

*

We will always be grateful for the days we were on fire, to know we can melt, that at one time we were not too cold or too far to be reached by Love – a love bigger than our confusion and much much bigger than our idols.

*

AND to know we can be on fire again, but this time we will keep the doors wide open; avoid the backdraft and explosions that happen when we try to control the fire.

 synchroblog-photohome_uk

Posted in Free Flying Faith | Tagged: , , , , , | 19 Comments »

Definitions

Posted by Nicole on October 16, 2013

What is that called? What is that for?

It’s a fork and we use it to eat.

How do you know that?

We accept a lot of definitions, but how do we  know for sure? What we believe defines how we will act and behave and LIVE.  I’m using “FORK” as an example…

I know it’s a fork because someone told me. Our parents and our parents’ parents all agreed on this word and this function. This is cultural knowledge passed down without question: It’s a fork and we use it to eat.  

 

Have you seen the The Little Mermaid. My sister and I loved that movie growing up.  I can sing it by heart. It’s where my weird fork example comes from. 

Do you remember the scene about the fork?

Ariel, the mermaid, is told by a friend that a fork is called a “dinglehopper” and it’s used to comb hair.  Ariel believes this friend knows how the world works and trusts his definition.  If you say it’s a dinglehopper and everyone uses it to comb hair, awesome! Combing away… 

But, see, it’s a funny scene to us because we know the truth. We KNOW that’s NOT how you use that. That’s NOT what that’s for! That’s a fork! That’s hilarious! Crazy mermaid!

But she doesn’t know. She only knows what she’s been taught to believe. This is a dinglehopper… this is what that’s for… combing away…

She had misinformation.

 

My cousin babysat my toddler girl and taught her a fabulous new “rule” about life, “If you want to get something from your mom, just use the magic word! It’s the best way to have mommy get you what you want.  And the magic word is – “NOW”.

‘Mommy, ice water, Now!’

‘Mommy, can I watch a show, Now?!’

‘Now, get me my blanket!’

That sweet babe THOUGHT she was doing the right thing. But, all it did was make me burn with great vengeance and furious anger. “Heck no!”

She had misinformation.

So, I had to reteach her the real magic word; the one that strikes a generous, true, loving reaction in me… And it is of course, “Beautiful.”

“Beautiful, can I watch a show?”  yep, sure can!

 

We have misinformation in much more profound ways than how to use a fork (although I do think using “beautiful” as a magic word will do wonders).  We think we know all about beauty, food, sex, God… we think we know the realities of life. And they’re depressing for most of us! They suck, honestly.  

How many people do you know who are struggling – not only within work and money and relationships but within their hearts – truly struggling?  Often it’s because the definitions we are working with exclude US. I am not “beautiful”.  I’m not “sexy”. I’m not “successful”.

We cannot reconcile the messages and definitions we are getting about how life is supposed to be… how WE are supposed to be…  

Sometimes there is a hint within us that our working definitions are incorrect – questioning the established rules. (Ariel questioned her information too.)  We feel some hazy doubt about the way life is presented to us. On and off there’s a sense in each of us… is that REALLY the truth? This doesn’t feel quite right but we don’t question often or deep enough to change our beliefs…

Episodes of Scandal call to us, grocery shopping or crying kids demand our attention, or Pinterest’s seductive ways distract us really well and we stop questioning. 

We stop questioning, but the problem is that we are left with definitions that tear us apart.

What is beautiful? Who is qualified to be sexy or worthy of having amazing sex?  What is a Christian?

Today, I want to question my beliefs. Especially of the definitions causing me discomfort and pain.

Why do I believe this to be true?

Is there another way to look at this?

I can use a “dinglehopper” to comb my hair, but it is really better suited as a fork. They are actually quite sharp. 

I feel the same way about how I use those words: beautiful, sexy, christian…  Those words are really quite sharp and I need to constantly rethink how I use them – both on myself and with others.

If I am poking myself in the head with a sharp definition, perhaps it’s time to rethink how I am using it.

What if you believed you were beautiful?

What if you believed your life mattered?

What if you believed great sex was possible?

What if you believed you could overcome fear?

What if we changed our definitions?  In very practical ways, what if you chose to believe that your hair IS beautiful and you don’t need another bottle of shampoo?  What if you chose to believe that you are sexy and don’t need to hide under the covers or wrap a towel around yourself to hide the “bad” parts?

Imagine, just for a moment, that you had never seen anyone else ever having sex. Now, don’t get all shy, if you can use the internet I am pretty sure you have at some point seen someone else at least pretending to have sex. Just seeing them in these images has changed your definition of who gets to have sex, what it should look like, what the woman does and what her body looks like, what the man is supposed to do… etc.

Note: Someone else made that movie or picture; They chose an image or actor based on their tastes.

Imagine you didn’t have to measure up to someone else’s definition of sexy – and you could just BE it.

Imagine you didn’t have to measure up to someone else’s definition of beautiful and you could just BE it.

How would it change your life?

 -Nicole

 

 

 

 

Posted in Beauty SOS47, Wonderful Wrestlings | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Tonight I Can (a quick and honest thought on sex in marriage)

Posted by Nicole on October 4, 2013

LOVE and MAKING IT is a new series on sex and marriage, bodies and souls. It will be candid and sometimes messy.  It’s not just about having a great sex life; it’s about having a great body life. I want one of those.  Read at your own risk.

An Honest Prayer About Sex in Marriage

Tonight

I cannot shave

I cannot be thinner

I cannot grow or shrink my breasts

I cannot learn to dance on a lap or on a pole

I cannot be anything but me

But I can be brave and I can smile

I can kiss and I can love

I can move toward you instead of away

I can stop disqualifying myself from fun

For tonight I will to let you love me as I am in this very instant

not as I will be tomorrow or was yesterday

I can forget my age, weight, rules and responsibilities

I can decide to play for just a night with the love of my life

Tonight I can

 

 

(Addition: I sent this to my husband for his privacy-release, and his comment just made me laugh. “also, rereading your post… I get all the other things you can’t do by tonight… but why can’t you shave? That seems doable.”  yep, seems doable. I agree. but sometimes, it’s just not.)

 

An honest prayer about sex in marriage by Nicole Romero at 1000strands.com

Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments »

Hello Monsters, Poem

Posted by Nicole on September 11, 2013

When I was small

even smaller than this

all smiles, fine hair, and freckles.

I lived in a room with my little sis.

 

In that room was a window

looking out on an old maple tree bigger than God

whose leaves made me feel free enough to sing

at the top of my lungs.

 

But on the opposite side of my room hung a door

a wooden shutter, slatted and white

and that door haunted us every single night.

 

You remember those cracked closet doors,

that fear of childhood, right?

Well, mine was more evil than most

a shutter-door with one missing shingle

a pitch black rectangle of terror

waiting to host the glowing eyes of some child-eating monster

with a taste for freckles.

 

And with these thoughts, came FEAR.

Fear that freezes your bones

that makes your body turn to stone

on the inside but never enough on the outside.

Fear that takes today as ransom

for a kidnapped tomorrow that will never come home.

 

So after months of sleepless nights

I could not hide any longer.

I did the most courageous thing of my little life

I moved in with my monsters.

 

In a flurry of determination

I grabbed my pillows and blankets and books

a flashlight and my sister

and we moved into that dark closet.

 

Slept there every single night

and not ONE monster was ever brave enough to show His face.

 

This is when I learned:

Fear is a lion

that only backs down

when we stop acting like prey

and stand our ground.

 

But we do grow up

and the monsters

get darker and smarter

and the next thing we know

we are running much harder.

No longer daring to face down our fears but away

from the beasts who will swallow us whole

who make closets that scare our very souls.

Monsters: like betrayal, hair loss, loneliness, and grief

failure, sprained ankles, botched interviews, and spinach in our teeth

at just the worst times.

 

I am afraid of things changing.

I’m afraid they’ll stay the same.

of saying something stupid

of being the one to blame

 

of the pain that will come when I grow old

and the pain that will come if I don’t.

 

And so they chase and I run.

I survive but I have not won

the kind of life I’d hoped I’d earned

when I first faced my monsters.

 

And then I hear it

the sound of safety in my ears:

Fear is a lion

that only backs down

when we stop acting like prey

and stand our ground.

 

I hear a voice not my own say,

“You are not alone, child.

You never were.

Be still. Take heart.

Plant your feet on the ground.

At the sound of my voice know that you are free.

I am bigger than any tree.

Stand with me.”

 

And together we turn and face those beasts,

say, “Hello there monsters…

Either be my friend or eat me or get out of my way.

I have sunsets to see and a man to kiss

and I was made for so much more than this.

I’m taking back my tomorrows.

You don’t get my todays.

This is my one and only life.

I will not be anyone’s prey.

So, instead, I will stand my ground and say,

Hello there monsters. Let’s play.”

 

Watch a live performance:

[youtube id=”QxRi4PSHREI” width=”600″ height=”350″]

(God also wanted me to feel good about myself, this is an awesome frozen frame of me talking)

Tell fearful souls, “Courage! Take heart! God is here, right here, on his way to put things right And redress all wrongs. He’s on his way! He’ll save you!” Isaiah 35:4-10

 

Posted in How Can I Help, Poetry | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Courage and a Poem

Posted by Nicole on September 4, 2013

What have you done in your life that took courage?

This is what my boss asked us all in our staff meeting: What have you done that took courage?

Sitting there quietly, hands knitted together, making eye-contact so as not to seem distracted or weak; I let him finish and I listened as my friends and coworkers stood up to speak about skydiving, surviving strokes, having kids, traveling on missions trips, going to college… so many amazing things.

And while I can remember doing individually impressive things that took courage, the truth is… for me…

 

EVERYTHING TAKES COURAGE

Getting out of bed

Answering the phone

Calling AT&T

Singing when you can hear me

Talking to my neighbors

Admitting to really liking something

Going after my dreams

Parenting my girls

Creating from my heart

Everything

Calling AT&T takes as much courage as skydiving, for me.

But now, I have come to a place in life where I realize, I cannot take fear into consideration anymore – at least not anxiety, worry, insecurity. FEAR in it’s purest, most primal force, can save our lives. I am not talking about that kind of fear… I am talking about the insidious kind that takes us captive, binds us, so that we never grow in the direction of the sun.  We bend and warp to it’s controls. We never grow straight and strong. I don’t want that for me and I surely don’t want that for You or my daughters.

So remember today; the day this very scared person told you to be brave. DO IT AFRAID.

So remember today; the day this very courageous person told you to be brave. DO IT AFRAID.

This is why I wrote this poem, “Hello, Monsters”

[youtube id=”QxRi4PSHREI” width=”600″ height=”350″]

 

“Tell fearful souls,
    “Courage! Take heart!
God is here, right here.”

Isaiah 35:3

Posted in Free Flying Faith, How Can I Help, Poetry | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

When Your Body is a Minefield

Posted by Nicole on August 3, 2013

LOVE and MAKING IT is a new series on sex and marriage, bodies and souls. It will be candid and sometimes messy.  It’s not just about having a great sex life; it’s about having a great body life. I want one of those.  Read at your own risk.

I have noticed something about myself. I recoil when my husband touches my stomach or my sides – especially when I am sitting.

I do not like my stomach as it currently is. I would sure like it to change shape, be different, go away. And to touch it… is an act of aggression against me.

So, when my husband makes a loving move towards me… you know the one… The loving one where he is making a move …

It pisses me off. I can actually feel anger rise up from somewhere deep.

“How dare you touch my stomach?!”

That’s not good for our relationship – when my body is a minefield. He’s just happily walking through a beautiful wonderland (known as my body) and **BAM** land mine explosion.

“Get your hands off my belly!” 

(I don’t actually say that. If I did, I am pretty sure he would fall over in fits of laughter.)

 

We have been married for fourteen years, my husband and me. 14 years. I am pretty sure he knows my body better than I do. I’m trying to ignore parts and he’s trying to know all of me. And he still loves me lots. So, what’s my issue?

Even when we have someone who loves us, it can be hard to accept ourselves. And it can be even more frustrating because there’s “no good reason”. I have a partner who loves all of me, so I should just be happy now, right?

((AND We all know my mom thinks I am beautiful!))

But, it never works like that. A husband or boyfriend can be an incredible advocate, support, encouragement, voice of truth… but they cannot fix you (as much as we could all cry ourselves to sleep listening to that Coldplay song). At the end of the day, whether we are single or married, we will not be healed until we accept our whole and always-changing selves.

This is actual self-acceptance I am trying for…
the kind where I accept into my reality a loving ownership of ALL of me.

 **********

Love and Making it (small)

Most of us struggle to embrace our entire bodies and this really hurts our relationships.

It is a huge obstacle to our making of the love.

How can you enjoy someone else loving your body when you are so completely convinced
it’s not good enough?

There is a part of you that you have trouble with. There is a part of your body that you dislike, try to disguise and ignore at all costs…That part, when your husband or lover touches it… it makes you cringe.  Right? Does this happen to you? Is this real for you too?  It pulls you, not just “out of the moment” but actually, into a moment of anger or embarrassment.

For me, my days go by with my mind – my consciousness – pulling away from the parts of my body that it does not deem attractive or beautiful. I am hardly aware of them as I wash dishes, go to work, play with my kids, because they cause me emotional pain and I don’t like pain. So my mind does me the favor of pulling far away from any awareness of them.

Consequently, when my husband touches my stomach, it is processed as a negative act – pulling my awareness back to something I am trying to ignore.

If lovingly touching some part of my body is actually an act of violence or embarrassment to my mind, then it is incredibly difficult for me to playfully and deeply enjoy sex.

Magazines may sometimes say to focus on the parts of you that you do love; that is a great first step in a healing story. If you don’t like any of your bits and pieces yet, you need to pick ONE to like today. Pick one. And then in a day or two pick another. BUT that’s not the end of the story. The goal is to be whole people. WHOLE.

This is why I am advocating for accepting our entire selves as beautiful and worth loving. My poor little belly deserves love too.  This is grace, you know. Allowing the parts of us we are trying to hide, trying to ignore, wish were different… allowing those parts to be cherished openly and completely, by ourselves, by God, by a lover — that’s GRACE.

This is why I care about believing our own beauty. I am believing in a future where I am full of love and care for my whole self and you for your whole self.  It’s not just about sex, but it’s a damn good place to start.  In the end, this is about our body lives.

WHERE DO WE EVEN START?

Men:

Want to know why your wife shies away all of a sudden when you touch her? I can’t guarantee she is like me, but she might be.  She does not like parts of her; when you touch them and remind her, this can make her hesitant and confusingly angry.

Ask her where is a safe, good place to touch her. Ask her what her favorite parts of her body are and place your hands on those.

Girlfriends:

You need to love the parts you hate. Do whatever it takes. Paint pictures on them. Lay your own hands on them. Pray energy and love into them. One by one, deactivate your body’s land mines.

And then, if you are in a relationship, intentionally ask your Love to put his hands there in a way that comforts and emboldens you. Notice that you do not die. Notice that he is still turned on by the hope of making love to you. The pain you feel at acknowledging the things you struggle with, he does not feel. He feels attraction and excitement at getting to touch your body. Go with it.

If he’s a good man, further along down the road of seeing your beauty than you are… go with it!

Then, have a glass of wine and forget it all. Just freakin enjoy being alive and healthy and able to move.

Your beauty is like gravity. It is factual and powerful. So, at some point, stop thinking about it and let it work.

Love and Grace.

-Nicole

 

Posted in Beauty SOS47, Love and Making It | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Helen of Troy

Posted by Nicole on July 22, 2013

Was this the face that launched 1,000 ships?

Oh, thou art fairer than the evening air

Clad in the beauty of a thousand stars;

Brighter art thou than flaming Jupiter
-Doctor Faustus

Are you worth fighting for?

HELEN OF TROY, the face that launched a thousand ships. She was so beautiful, so desired, so full of light that a legion of men fought to win her back.  Her beauty started the Trojan War and since then hundred of artists, writers, and poets have created beautiful things in her honor.

HELEN OF TROY – Was beautiful and she was worth fighting for.

Women grow up wanting to be beautiful and worth pursuing.  Our path into successful adulthood involves making ourselves accomplished and beautiful on the inside and out, so that a man will fight for us, pursue us, and invite us on a lifelong journey.

That is an incredibly simple synopsis. But it’s true for many of us: “Women, be beautiful and talented and a man will be attracted to you. He will find you and take care of you and bring you on his adventures.”

This story works for some people. It is a good story. But in a lifetime, we live many stories. This is one. We repeat this story because we do not know that there are more options.

There are other options.

Here’s a secret…  We are strong. We are capable. Putting on boots and going out into the world does not reduce your chances of success, it improves them.

What if we fought for ourselves and started to pursue our own adventures? What if we dreamed and worked and grew in strength, not to impress someone else who will finally pick us, but to reach a personal and amazing dream all our own?  What if we were willing to go to battle for ourselves?

We have instinctually learned that it is acceptable to rely on others to move forward in life – through movies, tv, princess stories…. all of it.  Both relationally and professionally, we have learned to fix ourselves all up, get pretty and talented, and then wait to get picked.  Like Jr. Highers at our first dance, we spend hours getting ready for that special night and then we just stand in the corner, playing with our shiny hair… and waiting to be asked to dance.

It’s a princess syndrome – a Helen of Troy inheritance… We forget that we have the ability to dance all on our own. (AND even better, we are no longer in Jr. High!)  The dance floor is open! We just need to have the perspective and courage to walk on out and get down with our bad selves.

It’s time to tell another story.

“I realized that searching for a mentor has become the professional equivalent of waiting for Prince Charming. We all grew up on the fairy tale “Seeping Beauty,” which instructs young women that if they just wait for their prince to arrive, they will be kissed and whisked away on a white horse to live happily ever after. Now young women are told that if they can just find the right mentor, they will be pushed up the ladder and whisked away to the corner office to live happily ever after.
Once again, we are teaching women to be too dependent on others.”
― Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead

“It’s a cultural instinct to wait to get picked. To seek out the permission and authority that comes from a publisher or talk show host or even a blogger saying, “I pick you.” Once you reject that impulse and realize that no one is going to select you–that Prince Charming has chosen another house–then you can actually get to work… No one is going to pick you.
Pick yourself.” – Seth Godin

Pick yourself. Listen to your heart, listen deeper than the outspoken parts that want to be picked. There is more in you still. Quiet dreams. Protected dreams. Hopes and longings your heart has held tight. If it sounds crazy, if it requires action and believing in your own worth – you’ve found it!

What if you chose to be your own Helen of Troy?

What if rather than waiting for your worth and beauty to be authorized, certified, and notarized by someone else, you decided to choose yourself?

You’re worth fighting for. Yours is a face that can launch 10,000 ships.

You are beautiful.

BE YOUR OWN HELEN OF TROY

 Beauty worth fighting for

If you really were as beautiful and talented as you always hoped someone else would think you were, what would you do for yourself? How far would you go and how hard would you fight for love – for yourself?

What are you waiting for? Stop waiting for someone else to notice your beauty and move a nation or ask you to dance. Be your own Helen of Troy. Choose yourself and your own adventures. Move nations and mountains and 1,000 ships for your own awesome self today.

-Nicole

Posted in Beauty SOS47 | Tagged: , , , | 7 Comments »

Outer Beauty

Posted by Nicole on July 19, 2013

I’m developing an allergy.

I get itchy just thinking about it.

I kept getting these rashes and I had no idea why. I’ve eaten this stuff all my life… loved it, told others to eat it. But, now… I’m allergic. And I’m done.

Have you ever eaten this stuff??

A big ol’ bowl of “She’s beautiful on the inside“

(scratch scratch scratch)

 

“Beauty isn’t about having a pretty face. It’s about having a pretty mind, a pretty heart, and most importantly a beautiful soul.”

Inner Beauty

 

“Beauty fades, Sweetheart, but stupid is forever.”

Stupid is forever

 

“Even when your beauty fades with age, you’re still glamorous at heart.”

Glamorous at Heart

 

I can’t breathe. WHERE’S MY EPIPEN!

I’m dying here, people. Dying.  That old lady IS BEAUTIFUL. Her beauty did not fade!!!  She is beautiful and glamorous inside AND OUT.

What if we could see that beauty does not fade?

This takes redefining “beauty” to a larger definition than just smooth skin and perky breasts.  To be clear, I am not talking about moving beauty away from those things. Smooth skin is beautiful. Perky breasts are beautiful. No one is able to look away from a set of perky, soft breasts. They speak comfort and some kind of magic wonder, like almost nothing else. We were all babies at one point. Breasts are awesome.  {{Tangent}}

What if we could work together to expand the edges of the Land of Beautiful? One person at a time…  Starting with the next woman you see who doesn’t give you that sugar-fix of pretty we are use to – take the time to readjust your brain and see her as beautiful, equal in worth and beauty to the next woman and the next.

We have such limited palates when it comes to beauty. Our tastes are so narrow. And we are missing out on some of the best people God has ever created.

Those amazing people are beautiful on the inside, and we can appreciate them for that, BUT we cannot forget that they are whole people. God made ALL of that person, her beautiful face and her beautiful soul. When we disregard the outer beauty of someone, we disregard an integral part of who they are. This causes a lot of pain.

Can I say that again? This causes a lot of pain, separating a soul from her body. Saying someone has a beautiful soul and that their outer beauty doesn’t matter or will fade or is shallow (or isn’t good enough to count), forces that soul to pull away from her body, the one she is made to love and care for and enjoy.

The soul pulls away, and both the body and soul suffer. I use to think this was holy, to see people’s hearts as beautiful and “see past” their outer appearance. Now, I am realizing how wrong that was. Now, I am realizing I must learn to really SEE all of them as beautiful. Beauty originates from the core of a person but it absolutely does not end there – it spreads to every inch of their body.

“Beauty is simply reality seen with the eyes of love”

Beauty reality

What if we learned to see that beauty has everything to do with our faces & bodies AND our hearts, minds & souls. The reality of WHOLE Beauty. What if we loved the whole person, inside and out, and were able to see their whole beauty?

Well, this would lead to improvement in every area of life.  Sex would improve a lot. If women believed they were beautiful as they are, not some second-rate booby-prize their man is stuck with… If men learned to see women as whole, beautiful people, not a dessert to satisfy a craving…

This could improve they way we treat each other across races. If we could see beauty IN people’s skin and faces, rather than waiting for a magical day when we “get past” appearance and see their hearts…. If we could equally value all kinds of beauty…

Now, I am an idealist. Yep. Sure am. And I know this is crazy talk.

Who cares? Isn’t this also the way it SHOULD be? AND isn’t the job of everyone who believes in God and believes in a better way, to bring light into dark and more of heaven to earth?

So, I will back up just a tad and say today, start with yourself and with a woman you love. Remind yourself and her that she is altogether beautiful with a beauty that does not fade. Whole beauty.

 

“You are altogether beautiful, My Darling, beautiful in every way.” SOS 4:7

 -Nicole

 

 

 

 

Posted in Beauty SOS47 | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

Hi Mom!

Posted by Nicole on July 15, 2013

When your mom reads your blog, you realize a few things…

The person with the biggest love and biggest hopes for you is here. She’s reading. She’s cheering. She’s feeling it at levels you don’t even feel it.

She’s a lot like God, my mom. And God is like my mom.

 

See it started when I wrote this piece on beauty.

And then my mom wrote this comment:

“There has always been a beauty about you that is stunning to me, both outside and inside. Your beauty physically is touching precious and great. Your eyes shine such a light. Your skin is like silk and your face brightens a room. And then from the inside your essence takes my breath away. The beauty formed escapes from you and makes everyone around you feel more beautiful, more full of life. I have felt blessed to have been given the gift of your life being, to have seen and known such a touch of pure heaven. And yes your daughter also stuns me at times when I look at her. I think how can someone actually be that beautiful. She has yet to fully know and shine her light, but she is blessed by a beauty that I do not think will ever diminish, only excel. Sometimes it is scary just how beautiful she is, and yet so real and so talented in her expression and the truth of her being. Some of that thanks to you and some thanks to the touch of God.”

THIS.

This is what my mom does for me. She’s a lot like God. And, God is a lot like my mom.

If God is real and cares about us as a parent, then it follows that God loves and hopes and cheers even louder than the best mom on earth.

God goes to the soccer games and spelling bees. God hopes we feed ourselves healthy food. God watches us grow with pride. God reads all our essays and looks over every inch of our finger paintings with patient interest. God sees precious beauty and brilliance in us.  We bring God great joy.

It’s a funny thing to reread “I almost never feel beautiful” knowing that my mom is reading it as well, and knowing her heart for me… how ridiculous a phrase that must be to my mom. It’s like telling her I can’t get my feet to stick to the ground — very clearly to her, gravity and beauty are holding me just right.

Now, I imagine God reading those words as I write them, and knowing God’s heart for me… how ridiculous a phrase that must be to God. It’s like telling him I am floating off the earth. “Gravity refuses to hold me, God!” — very clearly to God, gravity and beauty are holding me just right.

This does not only apply to me, Friend.  You are NOT disqualified from this amazing reality… this TRUE perspective.  You are beautiful… and none of this just beautiful-on-the-Inside crap. You are beautiful on the outside too.

Gravity and beauty are holding you just right.

 

*********

Now, I don’t know your mom. For some of you, just talking about moms is painful.   This is part of why I long so deeply for women to actually like other women. We can be love and hope and encouragement for each other, if we can stop competing and critiquing. We can be God’s tangible love and powerful motherly care.   And this we MUST be for each other, Friends.  I wrote about beauty for the Wild Gosling’s book before I knew what God was doing in my spirit… this Holy Discontent being stirred… this emergency message I must send out for myself and my friends who are going to drown.

It’s an SOS.

We are lost at sea. We gave our compass to a cute boy in 7th grade and we must find our way back to shore using the heavens to guide us.  Somehow we were tricked into believing a loving mom’s opinion didn’t matter as much as that guy in biology. We belittle her truth by mocking and disregarding, “My mom says I’m pretty…”  (read in sarcastic font).  Do not do this any longer. Do not do this to God… “God says I’m pretty…” God’s opinion does not matter less than some confused and distracted man’s opinion of you – or any woman’s either.

Anyone who disagrees with God on this is just wrong.

“You are altogether beautiful, my darling,
beautiful in every way.” Song of Songs 4:7

So, tonight, let these words be to you from God – however you can receive them… I believe there are no mistakes in life and that if your eyes are following these letters on this screen, somehow these words are also meant for you.

“There has always been a beauty about you that is stunning to me, both outside and inside. Your beauty physically is touching precious and great. Your eyes shine such a light. Your skin is like silk and your face brightens a room. And then from the inside your essence takes my breath away. The beauty formed escapes from you and makes everyone around you feel more beautiful, more full of life. I have felt blessed to have been given the gift of your life being, to have seen and known such a touch of pure heaven. … I think how can someone actually be that beautiful. You have yet to fully know and shine your full light, but you are blessed by a beauty that I do not think will ever diminish, only excel. Sometimes it is scary just how beautiful you are, and yet so real and so talented in you expression and the truth of your being.  I love you.”

SOS47 No Flaw

Much love, Beautiful.

 

 

Posted in Beauty SOS47, Free Flying Faith | 4 Comments »

Beautiful Women SOS

Posted by Nicole on July 11, 2013

I could tell you that you are beautiful…

but what would be the point of that?

 

You might believe me for a moment, but the first light breeze would blow that sucker right off

or

You’d think I was just saying it to make conversation

or

You’d think I was an idiot

 

It’s ok. I know. I’ve done it. 

In the past, when someone told me I was beautiful, I too was faced with a swift moral dilemma, because either that person was a Liar OR they had terrible taste and my opinion of them needed to go down a couple steps.

 

My husband says I am beautiful.  After almost 14 years of marriage, I must ignore my moral dilemmas here. Usually, I accept his compliments as a gift from God; that my husband has some kind of magic God-filter on his eyes. This is good, the God-filter.

But I don’t feel it. The words fly at me and they bounce off, like I have a force field against compliments. They can’t get in.

I do not, absolutely do not, almost never ever, feel beautiful. Do you?

 

Over the last few years, God has grabbed my heart on this issue, but I had to work on myself before I could start to speak it – write it – heal it in others.  I knew I needed to. I am a mother and a leader.  Like so many of you, I long to make the world more whole, more alive, more true – more aware of God in ALL things.  Brandy Patterson Walker is a woman fighting and leading the way into a wilder, more loving and free Way. As I was working on a piece for a her new book, “WILD GOSLINGS: engaging with kids in the mysteries of god” Brandy asked what I most want children (and those who teach and raise and love them) to know.  I’ve worked with kids and adults through all kinds of creative endeavors for years, and I’ve learned that no matter how much someone loves God, no matter how beautiful the things they create for Him; if they do not love the things God has made (including themselves), they cannot fully love God.

So, what did I want to contribute to WILD GOSLINGS? 

THIS:

As part of renewing the ways we see God, we must also renew the ways we see ourselves: Beautiful and Right.

**********

My daughter has a freckle on her cheek. Oh, how I love that freckle; it signifies all that is right in the world. Beauty boiled down into one small speck on one small girl.

I see her beauty. I have seen her beauty from the day she was born.

I expected my newborn baby to look, well, a little weird. They usually do, don’t they? They look like strange, little misshapen aliens. (It’s ok, we are friends, you can admit it.)  So, when my first baby was born, I was going to be objective. I was ready to see her strangeness and love her anyway – cone head, smooshed face, whatever! I would be the mother who was “honest” about my baby.

And then I saw her… we were both exhausted as our eyes met. I opened my mouth to speak and I couldn’t hide my surprise. The first words I directed towards that precious miracle were, “OH You ARE cute!” (amen. #motheroftheyear )

 

And she was. The truth of her beauty was undeniable to me.  From the moment of her birth, she has been beautiful and getting more beautiful by the day…

but there’s a looming tragedy on its way and I know it.

Someday she will be ugly. Someday she will be lumpy. I may sound terrible, but how many people have you thought looked ugly or weird or too fat or too skinny or something was wrong with their hair or face or body? 100’s and that’s being polite.

And every single one of those people was the daughter or son of Someone.

Someday my beautiful daughter will walk into a party and be eyed by 20 girls and 20 guys who will all judge and assess and critique and categorize her.

{{{{  Just writing those words makes my lungs close in on themselves.  }}}}

And she will learn the “truth” that she is deeply flawed.  This will be a tragedy and a lie from the actual pit of hell.

She will go home and look in the mirror with new eyes. No longer will she see the gorgeous creation she was as a child – made perfectly by a loving God, precious and beautiful and free. With disappointment and probably hate, she will see her face, her body, and she will never be the same.

I cannot let this happen. If this was a train, I would throw myself in front of it to save her. If this was a lion, I would fight it with my bare hands. If this was poison, I would drink so she could live. But, it’s more insidious than those things. This is 100000000’s of lies and creepy virtual insects crawling into our homes, our mirrors, our minds.

We cannot let this happen to our kids.  And we MUST start with realizing we cannot let this keep happening to ourselves.

I was not more beautiful as a child than I am now. My daughters are not more beautiful than me. We are not more beautiful at 1 or 5 or 8 than we are at 11 or 25 or 58. We have allowed ourselves to be lied to for too long. The truth is here and we must choose to believe it; for the sake of all the babies.

This is my new Start. This is what I am willing to fight for – for my children and for us to know that our beauty didn’t fade. We are all children of God: beautiful and right.  Believing the truth of our beauty is not an end or a way to just feel better about ourselves. This is the beginning of knowing God and the powerful people we are meant to be.

“All beautiful you are, My Darling. There is no flaw in you.” Song of Songs 4:7

You are beautiful. All Beautiful. Believe it.

 

Will you help me spread this truth? Can you believe you are beautiful? –Even one small part?  Can you help a friend see her own beauty today? 

I am putting out an SOS. We will call it #sos47 and my prayer is that it will be more contagious than all the judgement and false “perfection” we have been sick with.

 

SOS47

 

Also!! I could not be more excited and proud of Brandy’s new book and all the contributors; a group of people giving time and talent to making connections across beliefs and topics… Being brave enough to engage in the mysteries and wildness of God – with and for our children.  

Wild Goslings will be published July 15th.

by Brandy Walker

by Brandy Walker

 

Posted in Beauty SOS47 | Tagged: , , | 8 Comments »

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