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How to have a soulmate

Posted by Nicole on February 12, 2015

Lately, it has been very cool to say that your husband is not your soulmate.

My Husband is not my soulmate – like here

My Husband is not my soulmate – or here

And I get it. It feels good to be strong and independent and logical.

“I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings.”

These women are breaking through the myth that there is one, magical person who is your other half and who will make your life complete. This is a lie. No human is going to make your life complete. Any human you know deeply and intimately will make your life crazy, confusing, tiring, hilarious, and worthwhile… but not perfect or even complete. Life is not complete for more than fleeting moments, unless you are dead. If you feel complete for more than about 60 minutes at a time, you are probably dead and should ask someone if they can see you.

But, soulmates are real and not believing in them will rob you of the best a marriage can be. You can have a soulmate.  You can marry your soulmate. It is possible.

Do you want to know how to marry your soulmate?

Mate your soul to the person you marry.

 

Mate your soul to the person you marry and they will be your soulmate.

MATE: Join together; connect mechanically.

Join your soul together with your spouse and your souls become “soulmates.”

The miracle of real soulmates is not that they found each other and complete each other.  The miracle is not the fairytale of twinkly eyes gazing across a crowded room and falling in love.  That’s the easy part. The miracle is two people with initial chemistry and attraction, each deciding to choose into being soulmates for thousands + thousands of hours.  Over and over again, BOTH people choose to be grateful, interested, affectionate, focused, and forgiving. THIS is how soulmates are made and kept.

SOULMATES

Soulmates are a miracle because BOTH people are in it at the same time and with complimentary intensity. They are both grateful for each other and their relationship. They are both interested in life and in each others lives. They share. They are affectionate and love each others bodies as well as their souls. They are forgiving and able to keep the goal of connection above any disappointments or hurt.
Both people. Miracle.

You will not feel like soulmates if only one of you is doing this.  It takes two to mate.

 

So, how do you mate your soul with your spouse’s soul?
Be Grateful, Interested, Affectionate, and Forgiving.

1. Grateful. Who knows what tomorrow holds? Choose gratitude today. You’ll know you’ve chosen to be grateful by your tone of voice and that delicate balance between enjoying what you have and knowing it could be gone at any time.  If you are sassy, cold, or gruff, you are probably not grateful.

2. Interested. Be genuinely interested in your spouse’s passions and life. Share what you read. Share activities. Share stories. Listen well. Be INTO him. Be INTO her. Keep developing a taste for what the other loves. Make eye contact in the midst of sharing a moment and you will feel like soulmates. 

3. Affectionate. Touch each other in tenderness and attention. Notice when her hand rests on your leg. Notice when his hand is on your back. Notice and be aware of your bodies near each other. Make a big deal of small caresses – pretend you are 12-years-old and remember how much each brush of skin MATTERED to you. Let it matter.

4. Forgive. When you are not acting like soulmates, forgive. When you are frustrated or disappointed, voice it kindly and then forgive. Voice problems in love and without blame, and then forgive. This is how you stay soulmates.

If you can BOTH be grateful, interested, affectionate, and forgiving… you will have your soulmate. 

A soulmate is different than a life partner or spouse in one important way. When we totally stop believing in soulmates, we are really choosing to keep some of our separateness & independence… to keep some of your soul safe from the other person. You know someone is your soulmate because they can crush you. It matters to you if they love you. It matters when they call. It matters, not because it completes you, but because you have let yourself need someone. You are vulnerable. You’ve made space in your life for the connection.  We can sit side by side and be partners, but mates are intertwined and connected.

You are allowing that person to be a part of your heart and soul. It is a huge responsibility and honor. When you get married, you are not independent. Your finances, bodies, relationships, time, everything is intertwined.

This is terrifying and many people end up mating with someone who does not hold up their end of the bargain to be Grateful, Interested, Affectionate, and Forgiving.  Right now, if you are in a relationship and you are doing these things and they are not… it hurts. It hurts because your soul wants a mate and doesn’t have one right now. We all want the connection of mutually being in the moment together.  It’s ok that it hurts; it means it matters. Your soul wants a mate.

Let your spouse matter to you and take the risk. Talk about this with them. Talk about how you could cultivate gratitude, interest, affection and forgiveness.  And don’t forget to LOOK at each other and TOUCH each other like you LIKE touching – her soul is in that body…his soul is in that body.   

You can have that soulmate experience.  True love frustrates us because we will always live in the tension between our ideals and our realities, this does not mean we stop trying…this just means we learn to laugh and forgive and kiss even when it’s hard.

Stop searching for a soulmate and start acting like one.

1000strands.com | Photography by Kelly Brown

Photography by Kelly Brown

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See – a Five Minute Friday post

Posted by Nicole on January 10, 2014

Linking up again with Five Minute Friday at the lovely Lisa-Jo Baker‘s.
The rules: write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking. Hop over to her place to find out the full scoop behind FMF, and to visit other posts that were freely written in just five minutes.

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This week’s prompt: SEE – a Five Minute Friday Post

You are not invisible.

When you clean Barbie hair out of the sink after her impromptu trip to the kitchen scissor salon.

When you search over an hour for the missing toy, place it proudly on your son’s pillow, and he barely flinches – despite throwing a full-on fit about it that morning.

When you collect all the pink cups for a special-request tea party, that your kids play for exactly 3 minutes before running to another room.

When you clear off the dining room table, again.

When, on January 10th,  you remove and wrap up the Christmas ornaments by yourself.

When you are sick and make your own tea but don’t drink it because you’re needed in the living room to find that one episode of that one show that we love and can’t find, but nothing else will do.

When you clean all afternoon and it looks the same.

When the cat pukes and you Clorox the floor and no one ever knows.

You are not invisible. As long as all of us, working all day long to make the lives of our families just that little bit better, remember and SEE each other,

we are not invisible. 

 

While I do dishes, I remember you are too.

While I clean up cat puke, I remember you are doing gross things too.

While I clean off the table AGAIN, I remember you are too.

While I search high and low for the “lucky shirt”, I remember you are too.

While I read through every episode of Jake and the Neverland Pirates so we can find the current favorite, I remember you are too.

We may each be serving different little families, but we are all serving the same big Family.

With love, Nicole

More About Family: HERE and HERE and HERE

Posted in Honest Home | Tagged: , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Celebrate the Great

Posted by Nicole on January 10, 2014

I just discovered the blog Happy Wives Club. I love Fawn’s positivity and pride in her marriage.  So, this post is part of the Happy Wives Club Blog Tour which I am delighted to be a part of along with hundreds of inspiring bloggers. To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! 

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Never be ashamed or shy about what you love.

We all know it’s cool to be cynical, to hate things, to be down on things.

We all know there are people suffering all across the world.

We all have people we care about who are struggling and longing.

 

And sometimes we have the things they need.

 

You have a husband who loves you, a lot.

You have kids who light up your life like disco balls.

You have a job that inspires you most days.

You have pretty good health.

 

You have Something Great.

 

And you’re embarrassed.

 

Why are we shy about the good things in life?
Maybe, it’s time we celebrate the great.

Writing this ^^^^ is just painful, honestly. Admitting you are happy is like admitting you are probably a narcissistic, selfish, ignorant child. How could you possibly be happy? And if you are happy, how dare you flaunt it?

  

What does a {happy} person do, because the “pursuit of happiness” is an unalienable right, but the acquisition of happiness is a punishable crime?

 

Listen: You may feel absurd and childlike admitting you have a great marriage, family, job, etc… SO be it. Never be ashamed of the good in your life; this does not make life better for those who are hurting. This is an insult. Appreciate what you have because, the most valuable things, you cannot give away to anyone else. They are yours. Love it all for as long as you have it. A good friend will find a way to put up with ENJOY your happiness.

 

As much as you wish you could help in some way, you cannot give your kids to your best friend who struggles to get pregnant. This wouldn’t fill the hole in her heart. (Even if you secretly fantasize about it – just for a day – so you can take a nap and go to the bathroom by yourself.)

As much as you wish you could help in some way, you cannot give your husband to a lonely friend. (Please don’t do that.)  And, try not to talk badly about your husband to make a friend feel better, either. It’s tempting, but it hurts everyone in the long run.

As much as you wish you could help, you cannot feed or employ everyone in the world. At least not today.

It is a balancing act, for sure. We do not want to hurt people more by rubbing any happiness we’ve received in their faces. On the other hand, we do not want to ignore and bury the good in our lives. Some day it will be gone.  Things will change.  Do not spend the entire time you have something amazing, pretending it’s just aaiiight.

 

If you are lucky today. Roll with it.

 

Surprises and changes will come, and then it will be your turn to learn again how to let others be happy even when you can’t see the sun.  The world feels pretty dark. If those who have received something great and lovely keep pretending they haven’t, how will we know the light has come?  How will we keep hoping we will each have the light someday?

Everyone is pursuing happiness in some form: a partner, a job, kids, a best friend, finally a clean house, a body that works, a relationship with God that makes sense, a loving family and on and on and on — the desires and hopes and needs of the human race are immense.

 

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If you are in a hard time right now, I’ve been there. Promoting celebration does not mean I don’t cry hard tears for the empty, broken pieces of me – and of you.  The ache in ours heart for things TO BE DIFFERENT physically hurts and each day hopes barely survive.  Thank you for coming here.  Feel free to yell at this post. Feel free to feel all the feelings, but please don’t give up on the light and on hope. Even the smallest bit of goodness can be celebrated.

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Some ways to Celebrate the Great:

Be Generous: sharing our food, our homes, our money, and our time with people. This should be as natural as breathing. We get and we give. We get and we give. We invite and we share. We hug and we include.  Make room for friendship.

Be Sacrificial: giving more than we thought possible and finding that we still always have enough. Sacrifice is not natural. It is takes wisdom to know when sacrifice will help.   Make room for justice.

Be Grateful: holding with open hands and wild wonder all that we currently have. This is where we celebrate like puppies about to go for a walk. Look at your life?! Get excited. You have good stuff. Burying the good stuff serves absolutely no one. Share everything you can. Some things you can’t share or give away, so you better just love them and be grateful.  BUT Be gracious. It’s not a competition. Gloating ruins gratitude.  Make room for beauty.

 

Original Art by the endlessly creative Libby at LibbyDoodle

Original Art by the endlessly creative Libby at LibbyDoodle

(Libby celebrates the great in life – she celebrates so much that the earth can’t hold her joy. Check out her prints and original art HERE and her blog HERE)

Celebrate the great in your life! Dance with your kids holding flashlights before bed and laugh til you cry at the goodness in your life. Make out with your husband when he walks in the door. Kick butt at work and change the world. Eat a healthy meal. Go for a run and feel your strong lungs expand.  Make sure as many other people as possible see generosity and sacrifice and gratitude in YOU.

Live life to the fullest reaches it can go today. This is gratitude. Do not shrink back to make room for someone else’s sorrow. Do not be so busy weeping with those who weep that you forget how good your own life is now.

We can be so wrapped up in empathy that it becomes a straightjacket. Other people’s feelings surround us completely and we no longer know how to spread back to our own shape. Like foot bindings for our minds, we are formed by their lives more than our natural growth.

“Let’s stop saying “sorry about my awesome … self, success, husband, healthy kids, good job…”

Instead, let’s say “THANK YOU. This is a good season. I’m finding ways to celebrate it all.” To use the words of my brilliant doodling, space-exploring friend Libby, “Celebrate today for its simple joys and tiny miracles.”

Never be ashamed of what you love.  The more we celebrate, the more we will find to celebrate. And when you are happy and I am not, I will learn to put up with ENJOY your happiness. We will be a team. We will share the light and warmth as best we can.

We will celebrate the great!

 
It's ok to be happy.

It’s ok to be happy.

Fawn Weaver, the founder of the Happy Wives Club wrote a book about the best marriage secrets the world has to offer. They say the book is like “Eat, Pray, Love meets The 5 Love Languages.” I say the book is inspiring. You can grab a copy HERE.

Follow www.1000strands.com on Bloglovin. I actually do love Bloglovin for keeping up with the good blogs I find.

 

Posted in Honest Home, How Can I Help | Tagged: , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Fight – Five Minute Friday

Posted by Nicole on January 3, 2014

FIGHT

There comes a moment when you realize YOU’RE the one who has been blind. You’re the one living out of old stories about how men and women should act. {OMG I’m the patriarchy.}

Women, we have sat on the sidelines and watched men fight, struggle, sweat, and bleed.  We cheer. We supply water and first aid. We nurture and we caress tired backs with our soft hands.

But it’s time to get in the game ourselves. It’s time to step into the arena and fight.

We will help each other side-by-side.

I don’t know your sport or your call but I know what it looks like when we avoid the invitation to play: We offer to hold the jackets. We sit alone on the sideline and watch others try and fail and fall and laugh and get back up. We walk back home together and our pants have no grass stains.

The men and the children play and the women watch. 

Not all the women do this, but I was doing this.  I knew I was choosing rest over adventure.  I was playing it safe. I was the safe zone for others.  “Mom’s not playing! Mom’s safe!” I cherish being the safe zone, at times.  I’ve loved wearing my cozy sweater and drinking coffee.  But my life is floating by me. I have opted out too many times.  I can feel my muscles growing weak and my desire to be saved growing strong.  I don’t know about you, but I want to feel strong. I want to speak up. I want to run as fast as I can. I want to volunteer for the adventure.

Like all the best things, this epiphany started as a seed in me {here} and then with lots of fertilizing words and experiences, it has grown from a beautiful thought into a call to action.

 

Three parts Story Sessions, One part Lean In, Two parts Brene Brown, a good swig of Scandal, and a dash of Frozen

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Climb out of the tower yourself, grab a sword, and fight, Sister.

 

Find the inspiration you need and Fight, Sister. Women were not made to wrap themselves in ruffles and watch the action. Humans are made to fight.  We are heroes. We are gladiators.  Get in the game.  Fight.

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ― Brené Brown

If you are a {writer {blogger {lonely {free for five minutes on Fridays… I recommend Lisa Jo Baker’s Five Minute Friday link up. It’s a really great way to meet other people online who are kind and intelligent. Come and see that we are not all snarky and mean when we type.

Posted in Honest Home, How Can I Help | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

3 Things to do to Make Holiday Moments Matter

Posted by Nicole on November 18, 2013

Because, it’s the holidays. Thanksgiving is almost here. Christmas too. And we know who we are…

What I thought would be a short post about the holidays for a link-up with an amazing spiritual leader and director, Tara Owen, has become a mission statement.  I refuse to see failure or stress in moments that I didn’t think worked out “right”.  The wrongness does not make the moments worthless. Only my attitude can make them worth-more or worth-less.  

Keep reading if you want to join me!

Because, it’s the holidays. Thanksgiving is almost here. Christmas too. And we know who we are…

 

We are moment makers.

We plan and we dream. We buy ornaments and the perfect decorations; not from Pottery Barn (ok, maybe one thing), but even better than that. We find each piece of our decor all over the city… some at Michaels, Target, Ikea, save-on-crafts, Hobby Lobby … we arrange, we find, and we organize. We make treats and we pray over them when we remember to take the time. We want to create the perfect Christmas Season full of a love our families and friends and OURSELVES can feel. We want to feel it! We want it to soak into our bones in every possible way.

We light candles to remember the light. I have candles. Oh, I love them so much!** My favorite ones are discontinued. I can’t find them anywhere. And when I burn through the last two I have, there will be no more Christmas or Jesus in the world.

We listen to music, we make smells, we bring out the soft blankets and warm boots. We read scripture. We make lots and lots of plans to see every person possible because we love them and it’s exhausting but we love them so we go again. We find a sweater and put on mascara and we go.

And we go and we go. We create and we create and we go.

 

We are so busy making moments.

Another day goes by and we have the sense that it was good. We flop into bed and mumble, “That was a good day.” Because we think it was good. We hope it was good. Sleep, plan, repeat.

It all seems good, but we can barely remember what we did yesterday… we can barely remember what we did this morning. (Except I know I got Starbucks. I remember that.)

We are so busy making moments that we forget to be IN the moment.

 

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This is where I start to have trouble. This is where I am tempted to tell myself and you
“4 ways to slow down and appreciate the holidays”

 

But it’s just not that easy. I know it because I THINK I am living in the moment. I think I am slowing and appreciating and grabbing all that gratitude out of my pockets and sprinkling it on the world and God and myself. I think I am the gratitude fairy.

But I’ve been the gratitude fairy for a few years now. I don’t think it’s working. I still forget what I did yesterday. I still yell at my kids for grabbing an extra stuffed animal to bring with us on the Santa Train, because “Now we are late and the tickets were very expensive … and that stuffed tiger is really big! You are going to have to carry that the WHOLE time!”

How can I create awesomeness if you won’t cooperate!?

 

I am so busy creating a wonderful, beautiful life for myself and my kids that I forget that life is full of wonder and beauty.

Even in the mistakes and the missed trains.

I am so busy making wonder that I forget to notice the wonder all around me.

Even in the imperfect Christmas lights and burnt cookies.

I am so busy making beauty that I forget to notice the beauty in the moment.

Even in myself and my lumpy sweaters.

 

And even when I do remember to pay attention to all the awesome (actual “awesome”), it is fleeting.

I think that’s one of the hardest things about this time of year as I get older. These months feel shorter and more impermanent. Fleeting.

This is part of why I try to maximize every moment… fill every moment to the brim with all the joy and fun and CHRISTMAS I can carry in my little arms. I want to combat time. Perhaps if I create enough fantastic moments, the feelings will last longer than just December.

But they almost never do. I hate that feeling of December 27, 28th …or January 4, 5th…. as we walk around feeling the magic of Christmas float back out to sea with the tide. Emptier, sadder. “Oh right, this is real life…”

There is an underlying melancholy to Christmas that we all feel in different ways because Christmas is connected to so many ideals and it is so temporary.

Think about some of the best Christmas Songs – especially of the last ten years. There is an ache there. A profound ache for home and permanence and love that does not hurt so much.

We do not have those things, and even when we do, they are so fleeting.

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So, Moment Makers, what are we do to? When the moments keep passing? When the holidays become a pain instead of a joy?  When the lights are not enough to keep the darkness far away? When we feel the impermanence? When the struggle to see the beauty and wonder becomes too much and we snap?

honestly…

We do it anyway. We do it anyway and we do it even more.  

The dark will always be there. It makes the light more beautiful. The pain of impermanence will always be there. It makes each moment matter that much more. Do it anyway. Here’s why: 

 

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!
We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us,
knowing Him directly just as He knows us!

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.
And the best of the three is love.

1 Cor. 13:12-13

And so, there it is:  3 Things to do to Make Holiday Moments Matter:

1. Trust in God. Trust that what you do matters – every ornament and every cookie and every hug. Trust that light wins. Trust that you are seen and loved.

2. Hope unswervingly. Hope that the things we see at this time of year: Wonder, Delight, Love, Joy… even when we most clearly see them, it’s just a hint of the future.  We are peering through a mist. It’ll get even better someday.

3. Love extravagantly. Love in whatever way you know how. Love and love BIG. Create moments. Burn cookies together. Laugh as you watch the train pass by. Love. The moments are only fleeting if they are not made of love.

We make moments out of love and trust that they will last forever.

Love is eternal. Love never dies. Love will last forever. 1 Cor. 13:8

 

… Three core “things to do” when we don’t know what to do.  When we want to make the holidays special and meaningful and yet we struggle.  We focus on “why” we are making moments and let the “what” and “how” be freer and full of whatever comes.

Why?
Because we trust that there is more going on than we can see. Because we have hope in a love that lasts forever. 

Christmas is about “Emmanuel, God with us.” Experiencing God directly is what we are really after. We may not always know it, but that’s what all this moment-making is all about. We want to know God directly, but all we can do is create minutes that give us a glimpse of God – a glimpse of the good in life. If I remember that the reason why I create all these beautiful things and all these wondrous moments is to help myself and my kids see God in everything, then nothing is wasted and nothing is a failure. 

At a party with old friends, God is with us.

At home, cuddled in bed, God is with us.

In the car, stuck in traffic to see Santa, God is with us.

Alone, wondering what to do next, God is with us.

The actual contents of the moment are secondary to seeing God there first.

So rather than trying to fill each moment with activities and stuff, I try to fill each moment with my attention.

See God in it.

Emmanuel. God with us in it all.  This is the holidays.  And rather than being the gratitude fairy, sprinkling thankfulness on everything, I am going to be a tour guide – pointing out the God (good) in every little thing.

God is with us.

So, we make moments. We create and we create and we go.

Knowing that God is with us, means we can create with pleasure and hold it all loosely, Trusting and Hoping that everything we do in Love lasts forever.  The dark will still be there. The fleeting nature of time will still pull on us, but we will keep creating.

Another day will go by and we will have the sense that it was good. We’ll flop into bed and mumble, “That was a good day.” But this time, we will know it was good. We will make moments and be in them.  God is with us. It is all good. Sleep, plan, repeat.

-Nicole

 

Find out more about Tara’s 6 week journey through Advent, Christmas, and Epiphany here!

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Posted in Free Flying Faith, Honest Home | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

True Love and The Princess Bride

Posted by Nicole on November 12, 2013

Princess Bride is one of the best movies in all of movie history. On this we can agree.
On true love…

 

Westley: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn’t you wait for me?

Buttercup: Well… you were dead.

Westley: Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.

Buttercup: I will never doubt again.

Westley: There will never be a need.

 

I believe in true love. I believe in fighting for each other against all odds. I believe in never settling for mediocre. I believe in soul mates. I believe in kindness and respect. I believe in romance. I believe in sex as good. I believe in protecting love against all resistance.

Wedding Dress

My husband is my soul mate. This does not mean we have it easy or we naturally get it all right. Usually, nothing that I have thought would be natural and easy has actually been natural or easy. Well, “natural” but in the way that lions eating zebras is natural.

Birthing and caring for babies, for example, I thought would be natural and easy. We would sleep and feed and play and cuddle and we would just KNOW what to do next. It would be “natural” – As in easy… because those two words were synonyms in my head. This was so so wrong. Natural is usually hard work. Natural is of life and death and struggle and perseverance. Natural is of failure and commitment. Natural is of frustration and the will to live despite all odds. Natural is not easy. Easy is easy.

So, when I say that my husband and I are soul mates, I mean that our marriage is natural. Our guts said YES, get married. And it has been hard work ever since. Smooth sailing is not sailing… it is drifting. We refuse to drift. We chart our course and we fight for it every day. Despite storms and fights and disagreements and waves, we sail.

We are soul mates because we fell in love and decided to fight to stay that way.

 

Wedding us

It’s funny. We all fall in love for different reasons, reasons that take our breath away. Reasons that fill all our requirements and hopes and dreams. This person is everything we’ve wanted. They make us better. They inspire us. They turn us on. And then, over time, every little thing you loved will change. And that’s when you decide if you really love this person… their core… their very center. Because the outside definitely changes. Their abilities change. Their opinions. Their mannerisms. Everything changes. And you must wake up every day deciding to stay in love with their core and fall in love with everything else anew.

 

Love his or her face? Good. Enjoy it today and learn to love the one you wake up to tomorrow.

Love his or her abilities? Good. Enjoy them today and learn to love the talents you wake up to tomorrow.

Tomorrow, her face may change. Tomorrow, his ability may change. You do not know. And you do not get to choose which parts you love. Once you are in, you are in.  

If you do not choose to do this, every day, you will wake up one morning and wonder where your spouse went… the one you agreed to marry. The one you loved so deeply. This is not that person anymore. And you will feel cheated. Lied to. Rightfully allowed to leave.

But…

Watching your spouse unlove you is horrible. It happens slowly or all at once. They say little comments about how your face or body has changed. They mention how someone else is so successful at their job. They stop lighting up when you enter a room because you are a new version of you and they cannot accept it. They mourn the loss of the previous you so very much that they cannot love the present-tense You. They are stuck in time, wishing they had married a robot – an immortal god – who would be their idol or servant forever. But instead, they married a human. And humans change, they grow old, they adapt, they are injured and heal with weird angles to their souls. And sometimes your spouse simply does not know how to be married to a human.

It’s challenging because so many of us didn’t realize we were marrying humans or that we were really mortals. We’ve seen more tv characters and advertisements than we have seen real people… we believe the media more than real life.

But people are meant to change and grow. Our cells fully replace themselves approximately every 7 years, so if you’ve been married over 7 years, you are actually married to an entirely different person.  It’s never too late to rediscover the person sitting next to you, sleeping next to you.   It’s never too late to turn to them and ask who they are now….

I believe in true love. I believe in looking at what you have and deciding today, right now, “How much do I want to keep this thing going? How much do I value what I have?” The best gift in the world is to look into the eyes of your spouse and decide you both want it more than anything. That’s the miracle. That’s true love. 

 

“Sonny, don’t you tell me what’s worthwhile–true love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops. Everybody knows that.” 
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

Posted in Honest Home, Love and Making It | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Beautiful Scars

Posted by Nicole on November 7, 2013

All beautiful you are my darling, there is no flaw in you.
Song of Songs 4:7

It seems pretty absurd to believe we are without flaw, doesn’t it?

Massive cultural and financial structures are built on us believing there is something wrong with us; that we must destroy and annihilate all these “flaws” on our bodies through surgery and chemicals and anything else we can buy. We are told by 1,000s of songs, commercials, movies, magazines, and actual people, how we “should” be and how we are definitely NOT.  We are all aware of every possible physical flaw.

To hear a message that we are already all beautiful is so foreign a concept that it feels false and trite and rather stupid. Ask anyone at anytime today and they can tell you one thing about themselves that is decidedly ugly. If you’re silly enough, you can ask and they’ll tell you something about you too.

And if you are like me, you still remember the things people said were wrong with your body years and years ago.

Because of all this, even starting this conversation feels like a waste of time. No matter how much I tell you that you are beautiful and formed perfectly, all it takes is one magazine cover or a boyfriend’s inattention or callous comment and you could be lost again. I know. I know. 

I want to undo my brainwashing (more on brainwashing tomorrow).  So, I am starting with one item at a time and relearning the truth about myself. 

If I am brutally honest, my biggest struggle recently is that most days I see my stretch marks as a failure. I am an embarrassment. Some mothers have abs of steel but I do not. We applaud and congratulate those without stretch marks or evidence of birthing a baby.  This leads me to believe showing physical evidence of birthing a child (well, other than the actual child walking around) is a bad thing. No one is congratulating each other for having stretch marks.  There’s no “SWEET Stretch Marks, Nicole!” high five! 

Even when I work out and weigh my healthiest weight, they are still there… the scars… the ugliness…the lack of high fives. 

I read that bible verse, supposedly a word from God, and I do not agree with it at all….

 

“All beautiful you are my darling, there is no flaw in you.”

Well that’s just B.S.

There are things about us that are absolutely not beautiful… how can we reconcile those lovely words of scripture with the beliefs we currently have about ourselves?  I disagree with God … and where I disagree with God, it’s pretty obvious who is wrong, but how do I deal with this?

In the end, what has most helped me is the story I tell myself – the way I frame the truth. I can tell a story of a girl living in a world where stretch marks are hideous and an obvious failure of character. (I lack discipline, money for the proper creams, and the love of God that delivers hot abs.) Or I can tell a story of a girl living in a new kind of world, one where the rules are upside down … and everyone is beautifully made, we just can’t see it yet.

****

Imagine this story:

One night my little girls are snuggled in their beds. The blankets curl around small, soft bodies. Stuffed animals of every variety litter their floor. My husband and I sleep soundly in our room, my right foot touching his leg as we sleep.

Suddenly the room is full of smoke. Fire. There’s a fire in our house but not in our room. Our room is full of smoke and I can hardly see. I already have a headache and cannot find the door. My husband is not in bed, he must have jumped up and run out without thinking. I stumble to the patio slider to open it and let out smoke before running deeper into the house for the girls. Before I can even get to their room, my husband climbs out, carrying the two most precious things we will ever know – our girls. They are crying but alive, barely burnt. As the sirens approach, I look at my husband and see that he is collapsing on the ground, badly burned. He gave our girls life but he will be forever scarred by the experience.

A year later, we are together and healthy and happy. My husband has healed, but he has scars on his face and arms. They no longer physically hurt but they will always be a visual reminder of that night. They are warped and rough. I run my fingers gently on his cheek as we kiss and I know two things to be true: my husband is brave and when our girls needed him, he gave them life. Every time my fingers touch his scars, I am filled with so much respect and gratitude that I can hardly contain my love for him, my husband who gave our kids life when no one else could.

****

Imagine if I saw my own scars like the ones my husband has in that story. Imagine if I saw my scars as a source of pride and love. These scars that I carry because I gave my kids life, they are beautiful. I risked my own body and life in order to give them theirs. We take pregnancy and birth lightly now, but they are not light at all. They are acts of bravery and power and generosity.  The physical evidence of being a mom is not shameful, it is gorgeous. 

What if every time I ran my fingers over my scars, I was proud? What if I allowed my husband to love my scars, to feel proud of me and respect and love me even more for them and not in spite of them?

We all carry scars – both physical and psychic. Freckles on our faces from days in the sun. Tears that spring up when we see a father yell at a child. Small lines of scar tissue on a thigh.  Surgeries, accidents, acts of bravery or despair …  We carry them with shame when we really are allowed to carry them with honor. Our scars tell our story. We just need to frame it differently.  We are allowed to celebrate and lament and celebrate again.

So today,

If you love your spouse despite her body or her face, you have some serious work to do with your Maker.

If you love yourself despite your scars… if they shame you and make you want to hide… it’s time to tell yourself a new story.

We are loved by a God who is not ashamed of scars. We are loved by a Creator who carries His scars past death and into New Life – past resurrection and into Heaven on Earth – who asks friends to touch them and know who He is BECAUSE of His scars.

Grace and Peace to you today, Beautiful Friend. 

Wanna see my beautiful scars?! Hi five!

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Hello, Monster

Posted by Nicole on June 27, 2013

There was a time when my daughter was very scared of monsters. These were nights of 3a room visits and long conversations in the dark. Nights when the blinking light on the smoke detector threatened to eat her in her sleep.

During the day, we could talk openly about her fears and I tried to find humor and perspective for my Dear One. “Face your monsters,” I’d say. “Monsters chase us when we run. But, when you turn to face them, they either run away or they play with you.”

So, one day we tried to look straight at the monsters and get to know them…

 

Wolves

BEING A MONSTER IS LIKE….

E = my daughter’s answers, Age 5
M = My answers, Age unnecessary

E – gobbling up chips really fast

M – knocking down a door when you try to open it.

E – Eating everything around you when you are hungry

M – trying to bounce a basketball and it goes through the floor.

E – Winning every basketball game because people are scared of you.

M – Being scared of the light instead of the dark

E – they like to sleep in your room all night and protect you. In the morning, they are in your room with the lights and blinds off.

M – looking in the mirror and startling yourself

E – being scared of your shadow

M – trying to watch TV but your fingers are too big for the remote control buttons

E – …So he just kicked the TV

M – wanting to make friends but everyone just runs away.

E – eating everything (including the jar) in one bite

M – loving camping and scary stories around a campfire

E – when you sleep in a tent, make sure to bring meat to eat

M – trying not to scare the bears

E – he wants to see wildlife, but he can’t because he’s a monster!

M – what does a monster eat while camping?!

E – Meat.

E – Rock climbing is awesome for a monster

This exercise made us laugh and gave us something funny to remember at bedtime as the lights went out.  Now, three years later, I hear her creating stories full of scary but empathetic monsters just struggling through life like the rest of us.

**********

I think, right now, I am really scared of monsters. But mine don’t come at night, they are here all the time and I just keep running. It’s scary to feel chased; a serious fight-or-flight instinct kicks in. Adrenaline. Fear. I don’t dare stop running or look back. We all know that when you look back, you trip on a tree branch and get eaten. We know. So, just look ahead. And run hard til you get to town.

I’m not following my own advice, though.

Have you ever done that? … Not followed your own advice?

So, today I am vowing to turn around and face my monsters… to name them and examine them.

Hello, Monster, What’s your name?

Loneliness– no one cares
Criticism– if anyone cares, it is only to criticize
Shame– you suck
Disqualification– no more tries allowed
Failure– wasted time and energy

I’m ready to see which ones run away and which ones I will learn to play with.

What about you? What monsters are chasing you?  Are you ready to face them today?

-Nicole

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Spring and Summer

Posted by Nicole on June 11, 2013

My daughter is at her last day of preschool. This is an incredibly big deal to the cells in my body. I feel them shrink today in preparation. Outside the hustle of the moment, quiet inside myself, I see her – all spunk and 5-year-old skin. I watch the families around me carrying babies, smiling, correcting, juggling – the ones in the middle.

This is the end of a huge season of my life. This season of spring. Our Spring. The beginnings of life.

SPRING

Baby Coco

Spring: Getting to love Miracles up close and have their love in return.

Spring: Feeling incredible pain and holding on for dear life to the factual importance of love. 

Spring: Seeing cherubs crawl around my living room, rolling in clean clothes and pulling the cat’s tail.

Spring: Experiencing love with all five sense.  Singing through chores, tears kissed on lips, sleepy hugs, hearts made with whole hands.

Spring: Spending months lost in a tornado of messiness and full-out joy, tantrums and hysterical laughter.

Spring: Knowing Tiny things matter.  Errands. Dishes. Smiles. Hope. Fingers, toes, touches, breath.

 

I will miss, miss, miss, miss these little years. Everywhere I went, whether I could see it at the time or not through sleepy eyelids and Starbucks hangovers, a community of babies and new moms and toddlers supported me. Smiles from strangers. Doors held open for strollers. Reassuring eyes making soft contact with mine while screams rang in my ears.

I hold the last 8 years as gently as I can in these desperate hands. They are a gift I struggled to appreciate completely. It is exhausting trying to keep multiple emotionally turbulent people alive all day long. Days felt like eternity, serious eternity, but the months went by in a snap.

I remember trying to brand memories onto my heart, hoping never to forget.

But I have forgotten most.

And yet, like my freckles from the sun… they are always with me, reminders of days in the warm light. I don’t remember the exact moments anymore, but these beauty marks all over my heart are proof enough.

The more we let life matter the more it hurts, because life is defined by loss and gain and loss and gain.  I feel it profoundly today.

All Seasons: Spring. Summer. Fall. Winter.
We love them each and then they leave.

So, today, we celebrate.  I will exercise and begin to reacquaint my body with its individuality. We will play at the park. We will hold open a door for a new mom. I will drink another cup of coffee (that’s not going away). I will tear up spontaneously when my girl mimics my hand gestures, sings songs by “Katy Perry Johnson” and tells me about her friends’ pets. 

I will enjoy sitting to eat a full, hot meal with my daughters and walking side-by-side with both my hands free.

And I will learn to love Summer.

iphone 186

 

Love and Blessings to all the parents in this graduation season!

-Nicole

 

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For you, I will. (a poem)

Posted by Nicole on May 31, 2013

For You

For you, I will

 

For you, I will get out of bed

freezing

and fetch a glass of water.

 

For you, I will sing aloud

alone

in a karaoke bar.

 

For you, I will dance

ballroom style

wearing high heels and victory rolls.

 

For you, I will strip

naked

with lights on and eyes open.

 

For you, I will

 

My unlost love

it’s been you here

all along,

but I treated you like shit

like the one who would always be there

always too there

always right here.

 

And it’s not poetic but it’s true,

I am sorry.

 

I’ve been lost and

I’m coming home.

No matter what it takes.

 

For you, I will storm castles.

For you, I will slay dragons.

For you, I will sail 1,000 ships.

 

When it’s all over

and with wobbly arms

we embrace,

listening to ships reach the shore,

I will be unlost too.

 

I will climb back in bed

hoarse from singing my heart out,

feet throbbing and eyes drooping;

wearing only these blankets.

 

And I will

for you

finally be home in me.

 

__________

Everything in me wants to explain this love poem to you, Dear Friend, but I will trust Mr. Rogers here:

What is offered in faith by one person can be translated by the Holy Spirit into what the other person needs to hear and see. The space between them is holy ground, and the Holy Spirit uses that space in ways that not only translate, but transcend.

 

What would you do for the one you love? “For you, I will…”

Posted in Beauty SOS47, Honest Home, How Can I Help, Love and Making It, Wonderful Wrestlings | Tagged: , | 16 Comments »

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