My daughter is at her last day of preschool. This is an incredibly big deal to the cells in my body. I feel them shrink today in preparation. Outside the hustle of the moment, quiet inside myself, I see her – all spunk and 5-year-old skin. I watch the families around me carrying babies, smiling, correcting, juggling – the ones in the middle.

This is the end of a huge season of my life. This season of spring. Our Spring. The beginnings of life.

SPRING

Baby Coco

Spring: Getting to love Miracles up close and have their love in return.

Spring: Feeling incredible pain and holding on for dear life to the factual importance of love. 

Spring: Seeing cherubs crawl around my living room, rolling in clean clothes and pulling the cat’s tail.

Spring: Experiencing love with all five sense.  Singing through chores, tears kissed on lips, sleepy hugs, hearts made with whole hands.

Spring: Spending months lost in a tornado of messiness and full-out joy, tantrums and hysterical laughter.

Spring: Knowing Tiny things matter.  Errands. Dishes. Smiles. Hope. Fingers, toes, touches, breath.

 

I will miss, miss, miss, miss these little years. Everywhere I went, whether I could see it at the time or not through sleepy eyelids and Starbucks hangovers, a community of babies and new moms and toddlers supported me. Smiles from strangers. Doors held open for strollers. Reassuring eyes making soft contact with mine while screams rang in my ears.

I hold the last 8 years as gently as I can in these desperate hands. They are a gift I struggled to appreciate completely. It is exhausting trying to keep multiple emotionally turbulent people alive all day long. Days felt like eternity, serious eternity, but the months went by in a snap.

I remember trying to brand memories onto my heart, hoping never to forget.

But I have forgotten most.

And yet, like my freckles from the sun… they are always with me, reminders of days in the warm light. I don’t remember the exact moments anymore, but these beauty marks all over my heart are proof enough.

The more we let life matter the more it hurts, because life is defined by loss and gain and loss and gain.  I feel it profoundly today.

All Seasons: Spring. Summer. Fall. Winter.
We love them each and then they leave.

So, today, we celebrate.  I will exercise and begin to reacquaint my body with its individuality. We will play at the park. We will hold open a door for a new mom. I will drink another cup of coffee (that’s not going away). I will tear up spontaneously when my girl mimics my hand gestures, sings songs by “Katy Perry Johnson” and tells me about her friends’ pets. 

I will enjoy sitting to eat a full, hot meal with my daughters and walking side-by-side with both my hands free.

And I will learn to love Summer.

iphone 186

 

Love and Blessings to all the parents in this graduation season!

-Nicole