Wonderful Wrestlings

I won’t lie, I find life challenging. Come complain, wrestle, hope, despair and laugh with me about whatever is hard today. All the fun!

Spiritual Midwives

I’m new to this idea of putting my voice out into the air. So, I’ve been searching for people to connect with as I write. One person I have begun reading and enjoying is Sarah Bessey. So today, when she invited people to link up on the topic of spiritual midwives  — women who have helped me as God gave birth to some new part of me — I decided to give this a try and jump on in.  (She also spoke of Patron Saints as people we don’t know personally who have helped us or that we want to emulate – but I have lumped them together for today.)

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My children were born at the hands of a midwife.

I too, have been born again at the hands of spiritual midwives.

The way my daughters were guided – with wisdom and help but never interference.

I have been guided but not controlled. Coaxed into a New Life.

Basically, women have come alongside me and helped me survive my spiritual births.

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I’ve had two women I LOVE give birth this month. Two new babies born into this version of life – Beautiful, strong, fragile, life-threatening and life-affirming birthing stories.

So, I have been thinking about the truth of birth a lot…
the awesome and the ugly.

How scary birthing is.
How no one can control it.
How birthing is messy.
How it is so messy.

How it pulls us back to the bones of living, exposing the ways we cover our nakedness in the day to day.

How it requires us to open up areas we absolutely did not and DO NOT want to see. (No thanks on the mirror on my wide-open vajewels.  I did NOT need to see THAT part of me at that angle, thanks!)

And […]

I was out deep and a big set of waves rolled in

Faith. Joy. Optimism. Jesus being real and Him caring about me.
These are the things I have built a life on.
I built a life.
And I find myself in a season of fog, big waves, cold wind.
Where did that life go? Have you seen it?

I am a California girl. For most of my life, I have lived within three miles of the ocean. Had a hard day? Drive to the beach. Feel like life is too much? Drive to the beach. Bills, yells, disappointments, disapprovals pulling you down? Drive to the beach. … Park. Take off shoes. Feel sand rub your feet. Exfoliate the dead life away. Then touch the water and feel new living life seep in through your toes.
.RESET.
Feel better. Move on and Back to Faith + Joy + Optimism + Jesus being real
And, when I was younger, much younger… when I was still only 5′ tall but my insides were more elastic, I would swim away any tears. Underwater no one can tell if you are crying. Underwater, even if people surround you, they can barely hear you scream out your sadness. Tears can flow. Face can be red. Muscles can strain. And it all blends into a beautiful camouflage. Water pushing and moving, hugging back the way air just doesn’t care to.
Water pushing and moving, hugging back the way air just doesn’t care to.
All the sadness and frustration could leave my body and soul.  All flowed out of me and into the healing water.  I would feel empty and ready to be refilled by the Faith + Joy + Optimism + Jesus I’d come to trust would always come back. Hurray!
Recently, though… recently, I cannot find the healing water. I still live […]

Water, please (a parable of sorts)

“A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”
– The Everlasting Man, GK Chesterton
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I can see it, the water, just across the room… and yet, I never get all the way there. And, I’m thirsty.

“Why don’t I ever get there?”-  I wonder.  I look down just to check again, as I often do. Yep, all good.  I’m running on my treadmill and it’s working just fine.  I don’t know how you do it in your town, but around here we all run on treadmills. It’s the absolute best way to get to the water. My treadmill is smooth, adjustable, modern.  Everyone uses one – some are better than others, though.  The one I have is good for my knees, I hear. And, I’m extra fierce on mine because there’s a racing stripe down the middle. I feel faster this way.

Lately, though, I’m really, EXTRA thirsty. The water is about 400 feet from me now, I think. I can’t totally tell. It’s definitely closer than last week. Definitely. This new treadmill is working better.

And, I’m working hard at my new program. I bought a new program that helps me improve my running so I can get to the water faster. But, it’s making me thirstier – ah, Catch 22…

I must work harder and harder to improve my skills, my stride, my incline capabilities… the more I strive, the more I want the water, the more I strive!

It’s competitive up in here!  So I keep workin’ it. Studying. Reading articles and books. Trying new products to make me a better runner.  But I really wish I’d make progress more quickly.

This is torture.

Honestly, can I tell you something? I […]

Stop Hitting Yourself

Walking around the world, feeling disappointed in yourself, is never fun.  It sucks, actually. And, I fully realize that many of you are just fine with your fine selves, but I have a sneaking suspicion that many of us are not…  Still not, even after looking through 100’s of motivational pins on Pinterest.
(it’s like dieting. i am not dieting when i read about diets. … and i am not actually feeling better about myself when I read how i should feel better about myself… you don’t lose weight by reading about losing weight…)
 

It feels impossible to hit the target in life – to reach that sweet moment of pure joyful success – when all you do is practice hitting yourself.

You learn to hit the target you aim at.
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“What’s wrong with me?”
“I wish I was different…”
“Why did I say that?”

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I know it’s the same for me as it is for some of you – The voices inside my head can be loud, demeaning, demanding.  All I can see is how I don’t measure up and I wish I did.  I’m guilty under the law.  So, I throw stones

………….. at myself.
Stoning: Execute (someone) by throwing stones at them.
We stone ourselves. Without a proper trial, we sentence ourselves to a painful execution.  Each nasty thought, a stone.  Each critique without care, a stone.

I pick up each rough, dirty stone – each rough, dirty thought – aim and throw.  Pick, aim, throw. Pick, aim, throw. Pick, aim, throw.

But, in the black-comedy turns of life, we are too close to ourselves to properly execute the guilty. I chuck a stone at my own head and it bounces off – painful but not deadly. Another. Another. Bruises form. Wounds appear […]

What are you hungry for?

Hi Friends!

 

So I started asking myself, “What do I want in life?”

The answer that came back immediately …

“Coffee, please.”

“Maybe also a chocolate chip cookie and a long nap too.”

 

On one hand, that’s lovely and simple.

On the other hand…  That’s all I want out of LIFE?  Really? That’s it?! That’s just kinda sad.

That’s what I define as an attainable wish.

 
Somewhere in me is a quiet, desperate whisper for more.
 

There’s got to be more to life than the wish for a few sensory comforts, right?  Something real, big, energizing.

The little whisper for real meaning and purpose is so, so quiet most of the time and the longing for comfort and pleasure is oh, so loud: I want it!  I want it!  I want chocolate!  I want a nap!  I want quiet and time to myself!  I want pizza and diet coke and cookies and warm donuts and a margarita (together or separate – I’ll take ’em how I can get ’em)!

If I am not careful to pay attention to my true desires, i will

live from numbing agent to numbing agent trying to escape the boredom, sadness, isolation or frustration  – and when I am not doing that I am using those same things numbers to celebrate or care for myself.

I’ve been asking myself those hard questions you have to ask, if you ever want to change. What do I actually really want?
“What’s the thing behind the thing?” – Rob Bell
I want to feel good. Do you know what feels good?  To eat and drink until you are so full you just need to sleep. aaahhh!  You can then curl up and take a nap or watch a wonderfully mindless TV show and forget everything but that […]