1000 Strands

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Posts Tagged ‘addiction’

What are you hungry for?

Posted by Nicole on February 1, 2013

Hi Friends!

 

So I started asking myself, “What do I want in life?”

The answer that came back immediately …

“Coffee, please.”

“Maybe also a chocolate chip cookie and a long nap too.”

 

On one hand, that’s lovely and simple.

On the other hand…  That’s all I want out of LIFE?  Really? That’s it?! That’s just kinda sad.

That’s what I define as an attainable wish.

 

Somewhere in me is a quiet, desperate whisper for more.

 

There’s got to be more to life than the wish for a few sensory comforts, right?  Something real, big, energizing.

The little whisper for real meaning and purpose is so, so quiet most of the time and the longing for comfort and pleasure is oh, so loud: I want it!  I want it!  I want chocolate!  I want a nap!  I want quiet and time to myself!  I want pizza and diet coke and cookies and warm donuts and a margarita (together or separate – I’ll take ’em how I can get ’em)!

If I am not careful to pay attention to my true desires, i will

live from numbing agent to numbing agent trying to escape the boredom, sadness, isolation or frustration  – and when I am not doing that I am using those same things numbers to celebrate or care for myself.

I’ve been asking myself those hard questions you have to ask, if you ever want to change. What do I actually really want?

“What’s the thing behind the thing?” – Rob Bell

I want to feel good. Do you know what feels good?  To eat and drink until you are so full you just need to sleep. aaahhh!  You can then curl up and take a nap or watch a wonderfully mindless TV show and forget everything but that heavy, sweet, full feeling.

To put it simply: I want to feel full.

We all want to feel full… fulfilled.  I do not like emptiness. I do not want to have a longing in my gut that continues to get my attention and demand I do something about it.  I have mistaken that longing for a solely physical hunger for far too long. It is a spiritual, physical and psychological need and I cannot separate them. Deep down, I actually want to find fulfillment for my whole self and I am settling for just a physical sedation.

Until I stop stuffing the pipes with doughy goodness, I will never make room for the other good stuff to pour into my life. Until I change and upgrade my goals from “avoiding hunger and finding sugary carbohydrates,” I will never have enough energy or drive to pursue bigger and better things.

I MUST DEFINE NEW GOALS based on my deeper desires.

What do I do when I have a free hour?  If my goal is comfort and food (my normal), I eat some sugar and take a nap. If my goal is health, I workout and dance and eat vegetables and fruit.  My goals define how I spend my time. So, until I change my goals, I will not change my habits and actions.  And until I actually want those goals more than I want the items I am addicted to and my old ways, I will never change.  I have to let the hunger remain so I can FEEL what I am really hungry for — not just healthy food but a more purposeful life.

I was made for more!

 

Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do.”

I want to be more than sugar and sleep.  That’s what I repeatedly do.

I WANT to be vibrant, powerful, loving, healthy and really ALIVE.
If I really mean that, then it’s time to repeatedly DO vibrant, powerful, loving things.

There are deeply-set reasons I have learned to settle, though, as I am sure there are lots of reasons we ALL settle: I am overwhelmed with the demands of family, kids, work, school… “Adult Life”.  So, I dull the pain. I fill the void as quickly and easily as I can.

I give my tired soul a quick fix.

The quick fix doesn’t last, though, and I am quickly empty again. This can’t continue.

It’s time to start a life... to let the emptiness linger so I can feel what I really desire. Desire. Hunger.

What do I want out of life?  I have to shut the quick answers up so I can hear that slow, quiet whisper in my heart… what do I really want out of life? What am I here for? (Because I don’t think I am here JUST to eat cookies.)  If I can’t hear the whisper, I will never learn what my new goals need to be and I will never change my habits.

I have to end the cycle and feel the hunger.

I. Do. Not. Want. To.

But, I get the feeling I will never want to. Ever.  So I better be my own parent and just cut myself off. Give myself a time out. Go to my room. And think about why I did what I did. Why I do what I do.

On my timeout, I will wait for the whisper. I will let the waves of cravings move on past. And I will wait for the real desires to rise to the surface. They’ve been buried a long time. This may take a bit… and I pray I can hold out, because I am seriously getting my hopes up that it might actually be worth it. I think it’ll be worth it. I was made for more than I am living for.

What about you?

-Nicole

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Let’s Celebrate Life

Posted by Nicole on January 31, 2013

When you go to Disneyland, you can ask for a big button to wear all day. It will say “It’s My Birthday!” or “Let’s Celebrate!”  And you can fill in your name underneath or write what you are celebrating: “Anniversary” or “Graduation”. Then everyone who works at Disneyland will see your button and comment and welcome you.

“Happy Birthday, Princess!”

“Happy Anniversary!”

We live near Disneyland and go often.  The other day my little girls and I were walking through the huge plaza full of people as another woman walking towards us caught my eye.  She wore a “Let’s Celebrate” pin, crew-neck t-shirt, big white sneakers and high-waisted shorts;  Typical, comfy, I’m on vacation from rural (fill in a state) attire.  I always think about the people at Disneyland as they walk past us. Is this their first time?  Are they spending 3 years’ savings to make these memories with their families at Disneyland?  What’s her story?

Then, as this particular woman moved nearer to us, I looked closely at her button and saw that it said “Let’s Celebrate… LIFE.” Instantly, all the details I had subconsciously noticed about her came into focus:  Comfy clothes. Thin, short, newly-grown-in gray hair. Pale and slightly puffy face…  New cancer survivor. Laughing with her friends. Walking through the Disneyland plaza. Celebrating LIFE.  Smiling at me as she passed.  She’s on a LIFE.

 

Life.  I want to be on a LIFE. Let’s celebrate… LIFE.

“Happy LIFE, Princess!”

 

So, step one of going on a LIFE – what that woman in big, white sneakers and high-waisted shorts wore all over her gorgeous face: Gratitude. For Everything. For Life Itself.

(pause.)

Gratitude.  It only happens in this exact moment.

 

What makes a LIFE? How does a person permanently change, ditch the Die ette, find gratitude, or even choose a new path without using fear, peer pressure, strict rules, pre-made meals, a personal trainer and a nanny?  How do we combine all the things we currently want into one nice life where everything fits and we’re happy about it?

LIFE is in our habits. In the moment-to-moment choices. This is who we are. Whether it’s what we eat, watch, say, do… We ARE our little decisions. It’s so hard to celebrate life when our little choices keep veering off course.  It’s so hard to feel really alive when my little choices – my little steps – keep taking me further away from the life I want. Do you ever feel that way?  You want something so much and yet you continue to take little, tiny steps away?

This is why DIE-ettes don’t help. They are temporary black & white fixes to life-long, complex issues and goals.

I am done pushing and striving to follow a short-term, fix-me-quick die-ette. Spending so much time researching, trying, failing, being on day 3 for the 100th time, judging results … I am looking down and forgetting to look up with gratitude.   Gratitude that I am alive.

Now, I am done with DIE-ettes BUT the issue is still here. I am still not living Life to the fullest, healthiest, most vibrant standards and I know it because I feel conflicted. I want things that contradict each other.  I want pizza and a flat tummy. I want a deep connection to God and to watch The Bachelor.

This year I am going to get deep down in this messy little spirit and body of mine and try to get to the HEART of why I choose little DIE-ettes instead of LIFE.  I am going to stop surviving and start living.

Will you join me?  Whether you read this today or a year from when I’ve written these words, I am throwing out a strand your way.  Grab hold. Let’s go on a LIFE.

Posted in Free Flying Faith, Healthy You | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Swag n Stuff – Best Shape of My Life

Posted by Nicole on January 31, 2012

I’m in the best shape of my life as I write this to you. I am glistening with sweat – my abs hard and my hair somehow still voluminous and sea-breeze blown.  I’m enjoying eating a kale, chia seed salad and drinking a room-temperature glass of lemon water.

…Not really. Not ever. That’s not true.

I’ve been better than I am today, though… God knows. He knows. I’ve. Been. Better.

When I was in the best shape of my life, I actually got there after a 6 week diet and exercise bootcamp.

My abs have never actually been what other people would call “hard” or “fit” but I did have an actual waist. I was smaller at my belly button than at my boobs. It happened.

Funny thing. I thought I was changing for good… Forever. I thought I would never be the same after that bootcamp — I gave it a big push and worked hard.

I was proud. I had swag. Confidence. My hair bounced like you wish yours did.

New, baby, beginning habits were formed. I studied and gained knowledge. I set goals. I learned Right from Wrong (the capital letter kind of right and wrong).

Then, slowly, I made exceptions and had set backs… temptations… and celebrations… Consolations.

And now, I am my old, normal self again. The one who is a slave. A slave to destructive habits of comfort, indulgence, addiction, and doughy pizza. (oh, pizza… you abuse me and I like it)

Part of me still knows eating and laying around don’t lead to a healthy, vibrant life … but that part can’t convince the rest of the parts to get it together again.

Here’s why… That part knows it’s a forever decision this time. That big push.. Bootcamp… Diet…DIE-ette…  it was short. It had a deadline. It was temporary. Now ALL of me knows success takes a forever commitment. And I don’t want to forever commit.

But if I want to really live… if my goals are health, energy, that elusive waist, shiny hair, confidence and swag into my 60s and 70s… then I must change my daily habits and I must change them forever. Everyday is a second chance at success. Why am I choosing failure when success is an option (thanks Jillian Michaels for the catchy shame-phrase)? Why do we do that?  (Or is it just me?)

I am in some of the most jiggly shape of my life as I sit here and write to you. It happens. Things get jiggly. I am still beautiful (I’ll say it til I believe it). I just don’t have any clothes that fit and I spend my days dreaming of the next sugary and/or salty, doughy and/or crunchy bite to satisfy my endless, black hole-like cravings.  I am a slave to those cravings and it must stop.

Are you a slave to something? A craving? Addiction? Behavior you wish you could just stop?  Grab on. This train is leaving. We are leaving this place of hopelessness and droopy souls.

Wanna join me?  No more DIE-ettes. We are starting a life.

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