Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
Posted by Nicole on October 2, 2015
I’m here. In here.
not body or soul
but both – Both
skin and nerves
sewn to love and fears
touch me, please
so you can touch me
We are neither angel nor animal.
We can live for days as if our minds are the endless, beautiful, infinite space of creativity and spirituality. We can live for days as if our bodies are the magnetic, focused, sensory playgrounds of indulgence and physical exertion. We can choose to live on either side of the divide, but only so long as we can keep up the illusion that there IS a divide.
We cannot live long or well without realizing the mental effect of our physical actions.
We cannot live long or well without realizing the physical needs and effects of our mental obsessions.
You are imagination and skin.
The goal of this series is to remind you and me, everyday, that every part of us is made well … and not just made well, but somehow precious and important.
Skin is holy. Spirit is holy.
If we are living for the day that we are finally done with this body and can be the spirit we were always meant to be, we are missing the goodness and holiness in Life. It is in and through our bodies that we love and are loved.
*****
Last night, my littlest daughter asked me to cuddle with her. She loves when I gently run my hands up and down her legs as she lays in bed. Her soft body glides under my warm hands and I pray for her as I slowly make contact with each inch of her tired skin. Being alive is exhausting, especially when you are doing it well. So, I pray for her health and for her legs – that they would be strong and sure. I pray for her heart and the blood flowing through her veins. I pray for her gut – that she would feed it well and listen to it even better.
As I am praying, she asks if she can rub my arms. She tells me to sit still and proceeds to run her excruciatingly soft, gentle, cool hands up and down my tired arms. And my heart breaks.
Glory.
The glory of a touch given with so much care and innocence and generosity.
My heart breaks into one zillion pieces and I like it.
My spirit and my skin pull tight against each other, no empty spaces, only wholeness. Tears spring to my eyes. I smile. This is what it feels like to be real
…to have my physical world and my spiritual world alight with electrical impulses connecting me to me.
*****
When your body takes action, connect your spirit with that action. Commit your whole self to the present moment. When you hold someone’s hand, make sure your personality is in that hand too. Make it mean something.
When your spirit processes life, include physical activity in the process. Deep breathing changes everything. Sweat cleans more than just skin. Touch matters. Include your physical life in your spiritual life and witness real change in the overall enjoyment you experience.
*****
If God came to earth in a human body, there is no stronger word to be spoken about the goodness of skin and bones.
God came in the form of Jesus.
And, well, it could be said that God is on earth within the form of YOU as well.
“Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?”
1 Cor 3:16
Touch is not always a demand. Sometimes, it is a request for care and connection. Sometimes, most of the time, it is soul care deep down.
Posted in Beauty SOS47, Love and Making It, Uncategorized, Write 31 Days | Tagged: beauty, body, Write31Days | 2 Comments »
Posted by Nicole on May 1, 2015
Why take boudoir pictures?
How to make taking boudoir pictures great?
What to look for in a great photographer?
*****
There are lots of reasons people do the things they do… but why on earth would an ordinary, smart person dress up in lingerie and try to be sexy for a professional photographer?
It’s similar to why people run marathons.
You could just run, you know. You don’t have to pay anyone to let you run 26.2 miles. You can do that stuff for free! Running is free!
People sign up for marathons because it is a measurable goal (and it’s kinda cool to run in the middle of an empty street). More importantly, it’s a powerful experience to work hard and do something that scares you AND have other people helping and cheering you on.
well… in regards to boudoir photos…it’s kinda the same thing.
You can be naked or even partially naked for FREE! You get that body for free! (well, most people do)
You don’t even have to pay anyone to take pictures of you. You probably have a phone with a selfie camera. You can hold that sucker just right and get a pretty good shot of your booty or smile or cleavage. It can be pretty powerful to take a picture and find your face or body attractive – especially when it is not an easy, natural decision for you to be in pictures.
I know, we’ve all seen so many women’s ridiculous selfies that we are pretty turned off to the idea, BUT you could take pictures of yourself and feel empowered and beautiful. It’s possible.
Don’t let other people’s drama reduce your story.
*****
(keep reading, I think this part is kinda helpful)
So, on a personal level, why take “Boudoir Photos”? Why take professional pictures that you and your partner would find beautiful and sexy?
The answer is in the question.
Because they are beautiful and sexy.
And, with the right photographer, they are a vulnerable, intimate, beautiful, sexy representation of YOU.
You, doing something brave. You, letting your spirit and soul shine in your eyes. You, using your whole body to communicate courage, playfulness, beauty, desire. You.
Have you ever shared a journal entry with your spouse? Or a painting or a poem? Come home from getting a new haircut you really love? Have you gotten dressed up and stood in the doorway waiting for your eyes to meet? Do you remember what it felt like to say “I love you” for the first time?
Taking the right “boudoir” pictures is a tiny bit little like that.
*****
My recent story.
I had been thinking about hiring a photographer for a boudoir-type shoot for over a year. I’d watched Groupons go by. I sent a few self-made photos via Avocado to my Love. But I was, honestly, dragging my feet on having professional pictures taken because…because, why?
I wasn’t feeling “worth it”… I wasn’t feeling “my best.” I wanted to look somehow better or at least feel better before I hired someone to take what are “supposed” to be “beautiful pictures”. (“quotes” make me feel better when being “vulnerable.”)
And then an old friend wrote to me out of the blue.
“I have been reading your blog for quite some time now, and I love it. It’s a great blog with a beautiful message…
…Our mission at Eye-Kandie is to show every woman how beautiful she truly is, to feel confident and comfortable in her own skin. Our desire is to enhance marriages, help heal broken relationships and restore and create a healthy self-image. We have been blessed with the creativity and resources to help women take his breath away all over again; creating classy and artistic images that will freeze time. Lastly, our goal is to provide a safe environment that is edifying and uplifting for the everyday woman. When women contact us for a boudoir session, it’s because they are ready to accept their bodies for what it is, right now, in this moment of their lives. Their bodies are beautiful NOW, just the way it is. The way HE sees their body.”
See, this friend is a photographer and it had been years since we spoke. In those years, God and her gut took her into an area of photography she didn’t realize would become her great ministry and passion.
She specializes in boudoir photography and asked if we could partner up. She would take my pictures and I would write the story of the experience.
Over coffee, we shared our kindred passion to see women embrace their own bodies and enjoy being alive. My friend Jeni and her business partner Sarah at Eye-Kandie, explained their process and the care they take to make sure each woman feels safe and empowered. They offer different locations, options to change outfits, hair and make-up (only to the level the client wants), and lots of guidance (i.e. encouragement and friendship) to help create the best experience and photos.
I said yes. I said yes to partnering up because I was excited to work with them. These are women who are smart and passionate and talented. After talking with Jeni & Sarah, I felt like I could put my (literal) self and my writing on the line with integrity.
If you are in Southern California, I would highly recommend Jeni at Eye-Kandie as your boudoir photographer. If you are far, far away… here’s what she did that was so great and what you should look for in a photographer.
Lots of creative, thoughtful preparation.
- She asked me what I wanted and gave me time to think about it. She started a Pinterest board where I could pin pictures that inspired me, that I loved, that were more than just “pictures” and were really the kind of art I wanted to create. We also pinned hair and make-up pictures so I didn’t have to worry that I’d look like someone else in my pictures. She got to know me.
- Her goal was my best experience. This included getting the best shots but never at the expense of my comfort. I filled out a questionnaire about my favorite parts of me, my husbands favorite parts, the parts I am shy about, the reason I want to do this, how much skin I was comfortable showing.
- All the prices were up front and I never had a doubt about their professionalism. If you have a doubt about a photographer, don’t do it. These people have to be responsible with your mostly-nude pictures. If they are not responsible in the prep process, get out.
Care and Artistry in the process
- I was a whole human throughout the entire process; never just a body. I did boudoir pictures years ago where I felt like I was taking school pictures but naked (doesn’t that just sound like the worst nightmare ever!). The photographer posed my hands and head and told me how to move my face. You want a photographer who allows freedom of movement and expression BUT still gives you guidance, pose options, small changes to get your best angles.
- Are they thinking through pictures your husband will love AND pictures you will love? There are angles and options that just hit the “YES” button for dudes. Those same pictures can feel a little extreme or false to a woman. A great photographer will talk about pictures he will love and ones you will love.
The Hardest Part – reviewing the pictures
- Ask the photographer how you will review the pictures. How many photos will there be? Where are you when you look at them? How long do you have to decide which ones you love?
- This is just the hardest part. Jeni was wonderful throughout it. Sitting and looking at pictures of your bare (in every way) self is difficult, but trying to form opinions on which ones are “better” and analyzing them is excruciating. You want a photographer who is patient and offers their opinion only when you ask. You want someone who pre-edits all the awkward ones OUT (I had a different previous session years ago where the photographer showed me ALL the pictures she took… pictures of me changing positions, making faces… I’ll never recover.)
- Most of all, you want someone who has the same goal as you throughout. That’s what got me about Jeni’s email and her mission statement. I knew we had the same goal with our art: Beauty and Freedom for all women.
Here’s the deal. Because I was lucky enough to partner with Jeni and Sarah at Eye-Kandie, any of you who are local and ready to do this… contact Eye-Kandie and mention me. You’ll get a $$ discount off whatever you choose to purchase with them.
AND I’d like to do something to help too.
The first 10 people to book boudoir pictures with Eye-Kandie, I would be honored to do a 30 min Skype call as you prepare to help cheer you on and answer any questions.
I believe I am probably the only female pastor writing positively about boudoir pictures at this very second. (if not, let me know!)
“The way HE {God} sees their body” – as Jeni said in her email … That matters. That is grace and goodness and Creation and freedom and God and beauty and bravery.
Yes, I believe in God.
Yes, I believe your body is Good.
Yes, I believe boudoir pictures can be edifying and beautiful and actually an incredibly holy thing.
I love my pictures and I will share more next week (appropriately, of course).
-Nicole
Posted in Beauty SOS47, Love and Making It, Uncategorized | Tagged: beauty, Boudoir, Boudoir Photography, Eye Kandie, Holy | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on February 5, 2015
Love and Making It
is about to start a new season
At one point or another you’ve read the blog, seen me speak live, or taken an ecourse and I want to THANK YOU for that. Thank you for joining me here. Thank you for being brave enough to even start reading and thinking about how to make your life better, braver, and more beautiful … even IN bed. This is my passion = helping you find your passion.
*****
I am floored by the good work I’ve been lucky enough to see some of you do. You’ve been brave. You’ve literally changed your marriages and lives by engaging with the heart and soul of LOVE AND MAKING IT. Thank you for letting me share in a little of your awesomeness!
*****
I am reminded that we all need this place… even when we are busy, actually, because we are busy. We need reminders everyday to take good care of our love-lives, because it’s a strong current pulling us back to confusion, ambivalence, fear, dislike, and exhaustion.
There are so many forces pushing us away from healthy sex lives. Health is a constant practice, we can’t work out one day and expect to be fit forever. We can’t read one good article about sex and expect our sex lives to be healthy. This is a practice.
And so here we are, about to start a new season. This year I have more content and more bravery of my own and I am excited to share it all with you, but you know it’s more than just the content here – it’s about action and new ways of training our thinking about our bodies.
My goal this year {and I hope you’ll come with me} is to provide you with more hands-on activities, perspective-changing tools, and even more HOPE that your body can be a great place to live and play.
Your body can be a GREAT place to live and play.
Whether you are married, single, divorced… bigger than those categories… because who wants to be limited by their relational status?… There will be camaraderie and help through Love and Making It.
This blog will still continue to cover all kinds of things (but be warned, there will be regular talk of sex in what I hope is a healthy, loving, brave way)… BUT
It’s time to sign up for my LOVE AND MAKING IT – PASSIONAL newsletter (no spam. it’ll come out about once week) and get more indepth articles plus hear first about ecourses, books, videos, activities and more… sign up for the LOVE AND MAKING IT newsletter: PASSIONALS á GOGO
What is a Passional?
Part devotional. Part sex-therapist session. Part drinks with a best friend.
Who should sign up?
You. And your friends. And people who love their spouse but want more inspiration in “loving” their spouse. Women who say no to sex when they have a headache, because they don’t realize sex can cure headaches. Men who wonder why women don’t seem to love sex. People who’ve been trained how not to have sex before marriage but not how to have sex after marriage. Anyone who wants healthy, honest, fun conversations about living well in out bodies + souls. Love and Making It is for you.
You deserve bravery + beauty + freedom in bed and out!
You’ll be the first to hear about special eCourses and goodies too!
Posted in Beauty SOS47, Love and Making It, Uncategorized | Tagged: help, love and making it, marriage, newsletter, sex | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on January 13, 2015
This year, I am facing it head on. My Birthday monsters will not chase me into a dark corner to hide until this sucker is over. I will stay out in the open; sword-of-generosity in my hand and shield-of-oversharing around me.
Birthdays are hard but I sure love them. For our kids, we decorate the entire house the night before their birthday with some of their favorite toys and printed pictures of their favorite things. The year they loved Minions, there was a handmade Twinkies-in-the-shape-of-Minions cake. In order to get their presents, our kids solve puzzles and clues to complete an epic scavenger hunt that often takes them underwater and to the houses of their best friends. This year we incubated duck eggs and fostered ducklings for a month because my daughter loves ducks. All of this, to show them how loved they are and how seen and how known – that they are WORTH IT… basically to communicate all the things we hope for our children … the rich soil I deep-down believe they need in order to grow up big and strong, so they can go out as courageous adults and save the world while still feeling totally rested and loved because their childhood birthdays were so so so good.
And now it’s my birthday. And I am about to become a moving target for anyone trying to really love, know, or see me. On other days, it’s so simple. On my birthday, it’s so complicated. My expectations are erratic because I either change my mind about the actual thing or (really) change my mind about whether it’s ok to want the actual thing. I want to see every person I love and I also need to be alone. It is impossible to fit everything I’ve wanted to experience into one day so it’s tempting to do nothing at all. When asked directly what I do want to do for my birthday, my brain goes immediately blank. It’s nearly impossible for someone else to make me happy on my birthday. Basically my heart hides behind a black-hole-of-need that eats every nice thing.***
But I have found that focusing on a few simple, active things makes my birthday way better. I’ve been trying this for a few years in different combinations and I think I’ve figured out a pretty good plan.
3 things to do to Celebrate My Birthday Well:
1. Write out everything I want for my birthday. Write it all out. Who do I want to see? What do I want to do? What presents do I wish I could have? What do I wish my life was like right now? This is not going to be an essay to impress the humbleness judges. This is flat-out confession. What do I want? I think we struggle some days because we are afraid to call out what we really desire. It doesn’t mean I will get a single thing, but that’s actually the point. It’s in the acknowledgement of my own needs that the toddler in me can relax and actually feel seen. Part of why I do not feel seen, despite other people’s efforts, is that I refuse to really see myself. My desires and longings are a part of my core self. The more I deny them, the louder and weirder they get in their expression. If I am willing to mirror them back with passion and compassion, I will relax. We need to diffuse the situation and mirroring works – with actual kids and with the kids inside ourselves.
Try this with your kids or yourself and it will help: Next time your 2-year-old is throwing a fit because you said NO to them about something like having a cookie, try mirroring back, with lots of passion: ex. “Cookie! Cookie! You want a cookie!” And see what happens. They will often nod and pause the fit they are throwing. Follow it up with a big wish like, “I wish we could have a castle made of cookies and eat them all.” Your toddler will relax and feel seen and your inner toddler will too. (If you have kids and have not read Happiest Toddler on the Block, I really recommend it. It helps me parent my kids and myself!)
2. Give myself a present. After I write out all the things that I wish for my birthday, I will take the time to pinpoint something that feels really tender and vulnerable and important on that list. That thing, I will get/do for myself. Maybe it will be a visit to the beach to watch the sunset. Maybe it will be a pair of yoga pants. Maybe it will be 30 minutes of reading on the couch. I’ll pick one thing I can actually do for myself and stop waiting for someone else to do it – not out of reactive anger, but in preemptive love and gratitude for my own life.
3. Give Reverse Birthday Cards and Gifts. As I write out my birthday list of wishes, I will also write out a list of the people who have made my life better. My mom. My sister. My husband. My kids. A few friends. I will write out the names of the precious people I would grieve if they were not in my life … and I will TELL them that they matter to me. I will tell them how much I appreciate them and how glad I am that they are alive. I will give them a Reverse Birthday Card or present.
Those are my first three steps. What do you do to celebrate your birthday? You probably do something really selfless like accept NO presents and just have everyone you know give to EXODUS ROAD or CHARITY WATER because they do good work. I could do that too. 🙂
-Nicole
***This does not mean you should not try to make my birthday special. That would be a ridiculous conclusion. I’ve pretty much fixed all my problems and anything you do for me will be met with real gratitude. There will be explosions of joy.
Posted in Healthy You, How Can I Help, Uncategorized | Tagged: birthday, gift, girl, party | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on October 12, 2014
I was asleep but my heart was awake.
A voice! My beloved was knocking:
‘Open to me, my love, my darling,
My dove, my perfect one!
For my head is drenched with dew,
My locks with the damp of the night.’
“I have taken off my dress,
How can I put it on again?
I have washed my feet,
How can I dirty them again?
“My beloved extended his hand through the opening,
And my feelings were aroused for him.
“I arose to open to my beloved;
And my hands dripped with myrrh,
And my fingers with liquid myrrh,
On the handles of the bolt.
“I opened to my beloved,
But my beloved had turned away and had gone!
-Song of Songs, Chapter 5 verses 2-6
*****
I was sleepwalking through my days and nights, but somewhere buried inside … my heart was awake. I wanted to feel alive, but mostly I just felt tired. My heart was beating inside my chest, but my limbs and eyes could barely feel it. Life is just draining, isn’t it?
I got all ready for bed. The kids’ teeth were brushed, pajamas on, homework checked, clothes set out for tomorrow, lunches planned, and after 3 trips back into their room with forgotten stuffed animals, glasses of water, and extra hugs, I finally started winding my own self down for the night. I took a quick shower and put on my toner, serum, eye-cream and nighttime moisturizer. I plucked a few stray hairs from some, places…There’s coconut oil on my feet inside cotton socks. My hair is braided in the hopes that the Pin I saw about beachy waves is true. Finally, I lay down with a book to relax – just for a few minutes before my eyes cross and I do that thing where I read the same paragraph 3 times without knowing what I read.
Then, my husband comes in with that look in his eye.
He bumps me, unnecessarily, and asks,
“How Are you?”
He, too, wants to relax. His version of relaxing is sometimes different than mine.
I hesitate. How am I?
Me: “I’m fine. How are you?”
Him: “Good. I’m good”
{He stays very still, keeping eye contact}
Him: …. “Are you tired?”
{I reply, honestly, but also knowing what he’s getting at and not sure I’m up to it}
Me: “Well, yes.”
Him: “oh, ok.”
{He leaves the room, slowly}
I sit, thinking. I love him. I wish I felt more awake… more alive. I wish I felt passion or desire or any kind of freakin energy so I could go and love him… actively. Instead I sit and feel the push and pull of wanting and not wanting to have sex tonight. I know it’s a good idea. I know he loves me and wants me to open up to him. I’m just so… tired. And ready for bed. I am ready for bed. Do I really need to get all messed up and start over. That’s a lot of special nighttime product I already put on.
Finally, I decide to go out and see him. I stand next to him as he sits on the computer. I lean against him, my stomach and chest pressing into him. He doesn’t look up.
We share a few words but they don’t connect. We lost each other, for tonight.
*****
So many men and women will live this story tonight? Will I choose it again? Or will tonight be the night that when he knocks, I open the door? Will tonight be the night that I am already covered in “myrrh” and ready to be open to him in body and spirit – when he first reaches for me rather than as a afterthought when the rejection has already taken hold of his heart and he is gone?
What will you do?
Posted in Love and Making It, Uncategorized | Tagged: missed opportunities, sex, Sex. Love, song of solomon | 6 Comments »
Posted by Nicole on October 10, 2014
Designed by Sir Christopher Wren and built near 1700, St. Paul’s Cathedral in London is a glorious piece of history and architecture. Even more than that, it has a famous architectural anomaly halfway up the majestic dome.
Have you ever heard of a whispering gallery?
The first one ever discovered is still in St. Paul’s Cathedral.
If you climb the 257 stairs from the cathedral floor to the whispering gallery, you are met with a surprising intimacy even Sir Christopher Wren did not foresee.
The gallery is a complete circle with an intricate handrail and simple wall.
If you place your cheek near the surface of the wall and speak {even in a whisper}, your companions can hear you, clear and crisp – even clearer than if you were standing right next to each other – no matter how far away they are down the wall. You can stand on opposite sides of the gallery, place your ears to the wall and whisper back and forth as if you were in bed together {but keep it clean, because there are usually lots of people around when you actually visit}.
…Which is why we are talking about whispering galleries today in our conversations about LOVE AND MAKING IT. What if we made our bedrooms into metaphorical whispering galleries? Then you could whisper anything you wanted and your lover would hear you.
In the whispering gallery it does not matter how far apart you are, if you both agree to place your cheeks against the wall and face toward the path of the sound waves {letting the waves connect you} you WILL hear each other clearly even if you only speak in whispers.
If we set aside our bedrooms as whispering galleries, maybe the space and separateness that can creep in between two people who love each other can be made inconsequential. Maybe, if we agree to turn towards each other, just in this special space, we will be able to hear each other’s love and desire – clear and crisp.
Perhaps the bedroom is too big a space. What if we narrow it down to just your bed?
Your bed is your whispering gallery and it works best if you are naked.
Even when bills, schedules, forgotten lunches, dirty socks, cereal chewing noises, Netflix addictions, wet towels, 3am feedings, bad days, ill-timed jokes, and wrong turns all try to get between you… In your whispering gallery, you can still hear LOVE and INTIMACY even if you have to whisper to get it out.
How do we do this? How do I make a naked whispering gallery?! I can hear the questions. I feel them in myself sometimes too. How? The noise and space seem too immense to cross some nights. I’m too frustrated. Too tired. Too uncomfortable in my own skin.
Even Sir Christopher Wren didn’t KNOW he was building a Whispering Gallery. How do we do this on purpose?
*****
1. Start to see sex as more than just intercourse. Let your mind wander, meander, create, and want more than a few minutes of predictable movements. What if we thought of sex as full of possibilities – 1,000 ways to connect. Like a great football game or dance class, the details and surprises are the most fun parts. {It’s not JUST the touchdowns that make a good football game.}
2. Start to see sex as more than just a healthy habit. Sex is way more useful than brushing your teeth or doing squats. Sex is as good for your health as those two things are, but it is also a spiritual practice that forces us to face down our issues. Sex is more like prayer – connection, honesty, growth, beauty, life. These are the things we can start to see in our sex lives, with some practice. Sex matters because once we are married, it becomes an important part of our wholeness.
3. Start to see your bedroom as set-apart for a purpose. Just like anything: a writing space, a workout space, a space for quiet-time. Your bed needs to become off-limits to all those problems that sneak into your relationship. In bed, there are no bills, no laundry to do, no unforgiveness. Your bedroom is for “whispering” love & for learning to YADA each other better.
4. Start with an agreement to make your bedroom the place for connection. Remember, In the whispering gallery it does not matter how far apart you are, if you both agree to place your cheeks against the wall and face toward each other, you WILL hear each other clearly even if you only speak in whispers.
*****
There’s so much more but we will have time. Everyday in October we will continue to talk about LOVE and MAKING IT… and I have some good things planned for our time together after that. Thanks for sticking with this – it’s a fun but hard topic. Talking about it helps me too, you know. We are in this together… this hope that we can be made whole and that sex is a big part of our wholeness once we fall in love.
Posted in Love and Making It, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »
Posted by Nicole on October 8, 2014
What lights a relationship on fire? What keeps it going after fifteen years?
What sets butterflies to flight in your stomach when your eyes make contact?
What keeps your bodies magnetized so that the pull towards each other never weakens?
The obvious answer is mutual attraction, but what is that exactly? How do we stay mutually attracted? What’s the answer to “How to keep a marriage magnetized?”
People are not permanent magnets. We do not just naturally hold onto our charge in a relationship. We must keep electricity running through us so we can keep our magnetism pulling us together.
At first it seems like our relationship is more like permanent magnets than electromagnets. We are pulled together without even trying. The attraction just seems to happen and we accept it as fact, but there is a vital element available in a new attraction that wears off over time without an intentional electric current shooting through your coils.
If you want your coils to stay attracted to his or her coils for years to come, the essential electric thought you must keep flowing through your mind so that your bodies will attract is this:
I’M SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU & YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE ME.
The more time you spend counting the ways your spouse is awesome and how lucky you are to have them, the more humbly grateful you will feel for your relationship. Equally important is the time you spend realizing how awesome you are and how lucky they are to have you, because this gives you confidence.
HUMILITY + CONFIDENCE = CHEMISTRY
We are attracted to people that we admire, who surprise us, but we also need confidence to receive that awesome person’s love in return.
There is nothing like thinking your spouse is spectacular and YOU get to be married to them… and then having them think that about you.
Believing yourselves to be lucky to have each other builds in just enough “seize the moment” motivation to keep the attraction alive. Luck brings gratitude in it’s back pocket.
This keeps that little flicker of tension and wonder between you.
Do not let jealousy, or the attentions of someone else, be the electricity that remagnetizes you. It’s easy to let passion fade and take our partners for granted… until someone else notices how great they are and we are suddenly lit up with jealousy.
*****
Imagine that your spouse is your high school crush… the overwhelming joy that came when their arm touched your arm, when they asked what the homework was in Trig and you couldn’t believe your luck, when they smiled at you across a room and you’d never felt more alive…
Sown into those moments was gratitude and massive admiration of that Crush… plus a focus on every single minute detail of your interactions. You wanted more.
Why do we take for granted that the person we crushed on at some point in our lives, now wakes up beside us?
*****
See that person you married, sitting at their computer scrolling through Facebook? Imagine that you’ve had a crush on them for months and suddenly they are in your house… but this time, you are not some shy, scared high schooler… sure, you are scared because we are always a little frightened to go after what we really want… but now, you know you are crush-worthy too and kissing you is hot. After you read this sentence, you walk over and put your hand on their neck like you can’t believe you GET to. You look them in the eyes like an 80’s hearthrob just long enough to let them know you want them… and then you lean over and kiss, full on the mouth. And this kiss is pure, unbelievable luck: two awesome people finding each other and never letting go… every single day.
This is magnetic.
Posted in Love and Making It, Uncategorized | Tagged: hope, Love, sex | 5 Comments »
Posted by Nicole on October 6, 2014
As far as I know, you are not having sex so other people can watch.
You do not sell tickets to the sex show in your home.
You are not trying for any awards.
The camera is not panning across your taught abdomen as your spouse’s equally taught abs slowly lower onto you, the light languid but grateful in its luck at caressing your skin.
When you have sex, it is not for an audience.
So, why do we care so much what we look like while having it? Why do we care what other people think? And, are we so wrapped up in doing everything “for show” online that we have forgotten how to let sex be a sacred and intimate place worthwhile even in its secrecy?
Let’s discuss…
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First of all:
We are so accustomed to watching other people kiss and make love on screens that our own experiences are often “watched” inside our own mind’s eye rather than experienced with our whole selves…with all of our senses. We are outside the actual experience.
What if we focused our attention back to the present moment? How does this feel, smell, taste? What is each part of my body experiencing right now? What am I loving? How would I describe this sensation or moment?
It absolutely DOES NOT matter what anyone {no audience, ex, or imaginary judge} would think of how you look or perform during sex.
The only thing that matters is the connection between you and your partner.
What would change if we believed that?
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Second of all:
We are so accustomed to watching other people kiss and make love that our own bodies are measured against templates they were not meant to be measured by.
Learn to enjoy yourself and your spouse – as you are. People like to say things like “we are held to an impossible beauty ideal.” It’s an impossible ideal NOT BECAUSE IT IS BETTER THAN YOU but because it does not apply to you. Ideals of taste are entirely subjective and arbitrary. Make your OWN ideals based on your own life.
The most beautiful and ripe pineapple would appear to be a terribly strange apple – if it was trying to be an apple. Be the ripe, glorious, juicy version of YOURSELF. Your body is unique and worthy of honor {as it is} … not just honor, but hot, passionate, confident sex too.
By the time you were 12, you surely had plenty of movies and TV {and misguided friends} teach you that only SOME people deserve to have great sex or be proud enough of their bodies {and their existence} to kiss and be happy and naked. We learn this quickly as we notice how “fat” or “ugly” people are ridiculed for doing things they enjoy, let alone kissing anyone. We would rather die than feel the shame of being ridiculed like that.
Pay attention to when you are believing lies about your own worth. Pay attention to when you have slid into believing yourself too “fat” or “ugly” to enjoy your own body. It is a lie.
It does not matter what the world would say about how you and your spouse look while having sex. The only thing that matters is the connection between you.
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Third of all:
We are so accustomed to taking other people’s advice about sex that we have lost contact with our own intuition and personal pleasures. Block out your friends, your church, whatever porn you’ve seen… and really be with only your partner.
One of the biggest poisons to great sex is unmet expectations of what sex is “supposed” to be like. What if you both started with a clean slate and enjoyed designing new versions of GREAT sex for YOU?
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Finally:
So, what can we do now?
Stop allowing any kind of audience into your head.
Be alone with your spouse – in body and in mind.
Create an island in your home where the two of you are the epitome of sexy. Maybe it’s just your bedroom. There, you two are naked and you have no shame. You move and breathe for each other alone. You make the rules.
It sounds silly, I know. But perhaps it’s worth feeling a bit silly at first to have years of fantastic, confident, creative, passionate sex. I’m just sayin…
Stop selling tickets to the sex show.
Allow as much PRIVACY in your head and heart as you do in the actual room.
Posted in Love and Making It, Uncategorized | Tagged: love and making it, privacy, sex | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on October 3, 2014
Yada. Yada. Yada.
I’ve got a little sexy etymology for you. Ready?
And Adam knew [yada] Eve, his wife; and she conceived.
Genesis 4:1
Yada is not just a fill-in word like blah-blah-blah. It’s the original nudge-nudge, wink-wink. I “know” him.
Ever see that Seinfeld episode where they start using “yada, yada, yada” to fill in the details in a story instead of saying what really happened? George asks if you can “yada, yada, yada” sex… OF COURSE you can “yada, yada, yada” sex.
“What’d you do last night?” “Oh, you know, we had dinner and watched New Girl and yada, yada, yada.”
Actually, “yada, yada, yada” is not really an innuendo or replacement phrase at all. In the old days, this was no polite way to cover details.
This was the actual King James version of: Fornicate, Have Sex, Copulate, Do it, Business Time, Yada.
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Have you ever heard someone use the phrase “I know her in the Biblical sense”?
Did you ever wonder where that came from?
I did. Today. Because I told people to think about sex and now I am thinking about sex and following rabbit trails so we can have good conversations that make all of our lives better… and I thought, “Where does that phrase about ‘knowing someone in the biblical sense’ come from?”
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To know someone “in the Biblical sense” is to have sex with them.
To have sex with someone in the biblical sense is to KNOW them… To YADA them.
Do you see how we have mixed this up a bit in our lives? We’ve taken the “knowing” out of sex. Some of the original language surrounding sex {Hebrew, specifically, here} involved not just bodies bouncing together, but actually knowing another human intimately. Usually, knowing {yada} meant a deep connection tied to an agreement of faithfulness to a promise.
There’s two things I am taking away from this lesson today:
I make a promise every time I have sex. When you yada someone, you make a promise. It is an important statement of faith and love that I make with my whole self.
which brings me to the other takeaway…
Am I bringing my whole self to sex? Is my whole self there to be known? As we started mentioning yesterday, there are a lot of things that make it easy to have sex with just the surface of ourselves and not our deeper, whole selves.
Are you bringing as much attention and feeling and honesty to sex as you do to coffee with a friend or a yoga class or even drinks after work? Sometimes, people have sex just to get it over with or do it out of obligation or because it’s an itch they want to scratch… instead of treating the time like the best possible way to get to know their spouse better. What other activity has space for your entire personality and body to participate?
I’m not saying it’s easy. Not many important things are easy.
I’m saying there’s an infinite space to play and know each other… really know each other.
Every physical activity, especially sex, has the ability to involve our soul or not. Sex is meant to involve your soul too. Maybe soul is too mystic a word. When I say soul, I mean the things that matter to you… your hopes, fears, desire, longings, the things that make you laugh, the things that hurt… YOU. Involve YOU in sex so you can be known.
So, tonight, don’t just have sex with your spouse… really, yada them!
Posted in Love and Making It, Uncategorized | 9 Comments »
Posted by Nicole on October 2, 2014
Day 1: How to have good sex? = Think about sex.
I don’t mean just “think about sex” like a soda erupting; shaking it up and then shooting sticky thoughts all over the place. (Those cans are small but they manage to cover everything when they explode. The same goes for sexual thoughts.) No, no. I mean, think about sex in very specific ways: disciplined, new, brave ways.
First of all:
Who do you want to want to have sex with? (this is not a typo)
Who do you want to want to have sex with? You may not want to have sex at all, especially if you do not like your own self (more on that soon). You may not want to have sex if you are angry with the person you’ve agreed to have sex with otherwise OR You may want to have sex with an inappropriate person.
Who do you need to start focusing your passionate + positive mental attention on?
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Try This:
Name them. Write their name down in your own handwriting. Take time to form each letter. Imagine each letter as a part of them {their person + body} that you notice and trace.
Take the name of your spouse or beloved or even yourself and write it down.
This will move the image of them in your mind… the thought of their existence, their soul, your history together… from your mind to your hand. Write their name in the physical world.
Notice how the thoughts in your head can connect to the actions of your body. Notice how the movements can change and go fast or slow, hard or soft. How did you write it? How could you write it differently a second time? What if you wrote their name on your skin or asked them to write a meaningful word on you?
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There are so many things stuck to our skin {especially women}: thoughts and expectations and hurts… really, anything negative seems to stick like superglue and the positive things in life just slide right off. Women walk around the world with so many words on their skin, and usually those words are full of disappointment.
She comes to a moment in the night {or day} when all the stars have aligned and sex is about to happen … most likely… and as he reaches his hands to touch her skin, it’s not really her skin he makes contact with. I mean, it’s her skin – but not the layer of her that connects to her soul.
There’s this tough, invisible layer of self-hatred and frustrations about life that covers almost every inch of our skin. This layer is impenetrable some days. On those days, you may still have sex, but you don’t have sex that makes loving connections because you can’t touch each others’ vulnerable layers.
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So, where do we even start? What do we do?
When your body feels like a disappointment and just a hand on your stomach or breast makes you flinch away?
When every dish you wash or sock you pick up is like angry armor you put on your skin that keeps you away from the person you want to love?
When your body has never had healthy pleasure just for pleasure’s sake and you have no idea where to start?
When you love your spouse, but you just do not like having sex?
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We will get to all of that hard stuff, but I know it helps me to start back at the beginning. When it all feels overwhelming or confusing or frustrating, I sit down and start over. I let my brain and the rest of my body reconnect in a simple way. Try this exercise:
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Start here.
Make time to think about the one you love… in detail. Write their name. Write it a few times; write it like you are 14-years-old and falling in love. Feel each movement without judgment of “how” you are writing it (you perfectionist!). Notice pressure and speed. Pray love into each specific part of their body as you write each specific letter of their name. Be present to how love can move from your brain to your fingers.
This is just the beginning.
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Photos by Jennifer Upton www.byjenniferupton.com
Want to see more great pictures of life through the lens of beauty and attention?
Posted in Love and Making It, Uncategorized | Tagged: love and making it, self care, sex | 8 Comments »
