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Faith and all the wonder and terror of it. Not so much anchored…more tied to a kite or a wild and friendly dolphin.

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A Genesis Week from the Chaos of Life – Psalm 51

Posted by Nicole on April 18, 2013

The Psalms are the sample journal – the diary example – from the Bible… honest and full of encouragement to just be REAL. Sometimes they sound like teenage angst. Sometimes they are full of wisdom and perspective. The Bible says that David (most likely the author of the Psalms) was a “man after God’s own heart.” Well, what the Psalms teach me then is that the Creator of the Universe’s heart is BIG and Honest and Complicated.

 

“God, make a fresh start in me,

shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.

Don’t throw me out with the trash,

or fail to breathe holiness in me.

Bring me back from gray exile,

put a fresh wind in my sails!”
–Psalm 51

 

”A Genesis week from the chaos of my life.”

I can have a Genesis week from the chaos of my life?

Almost every day I wonder…

What if this whole God / Jesus story is really true?

Because it truly takes faith to believe in Jesus when life goes upside down.

***** ***** ***** *****

We are all on a roller coaster called Life, but some of us are not buckled up.  Are you?

Have you ever had the roller coaster nightmare? The one where the roller coaster starts clicking up the steep hill but your safety harness doesn’t work? It’s loose or totally broken and you know you are about to die – you know you are about to fall to your death on the sidewalk, or worse, on the tracks, or worse, on the ice cream cart and children below.

You hold onto the harness as best you can, linking your arm in and through the bars, muscles already shaking, knowing full-well that only your feeble hands might save you now. And your grip is not going to be enough…

 

I kinda feel like that in my life right now. Do you ever feel like this? Feel like life is just not safe and you’re about to be thrown?

(And, can I be honest? Can I let my complexity show?… )

My safety-harness-Jesus is broken. I no longer push up on the bars and feel the familiar, reassuring, locked push-back. I push up on my harness and it moves freely. Jesus is giving me too much space. I wish I could pull Him tighter.  I cannot hold on tight enough and I know I won’t make it through the ride. I am going to fall to an ugly, newspaper-headline-worthy, chaotic demise.

Jesus is no longer my safety harness; keeping me firmly in my seat until the ride comes to a full and complete stop.

 

And yet, this Psalm…

This psalm keeps telling me it’s going to be okay even if I lose my grip.

We are all going to be okay.

 

This Psalm somehow makes it sound like we are safe; that the gravitational pull of God is stronger than any of our fears or struggles or emergencies. He is stronger than the free falls. Stronger than the loops. Stronger than the hairpin turns.  He is stronger and He is Good.

From the chaos of life, we can pray for a Genesis week.

.i love this idea.

.a Genesis week from the chaos of life.

 

What is a Genesis week?

The CREATION OF NEW, GOOD THINGS.

The creation of good things from the chaos of our personal roller coasters.

 “God looked over everything he had made;

it was so good, so very good!”

From the chaos and void and emptiness of infinite nothing, God made everything. Out of love.

God is not about to let a technical malfunction or a scary free fall ruin a good thing. 
Good Creation began against all odds and will continue against all odds in our own lives.

 

In this Psalm, number 51, King David is working out the chaos of his life after committing a couple of the worst mistakes a person can make: adultery and a murderous cover-up. And yet, he has the audacity to pray that God make a Genesis week of his life? Put wind back in his sails?

This is what it looks like to be a person after God’s heart, I suppose.  The Bible describes King David as, “a man after God’s own heart.” In the face of disappointment in yourself, complete and total chaos, and sheer terror about what to do next… At the moments you are surely going to fall out of the ride and your own strength will not save you … we are invited to pray for New Good Things from a God who still cares.

I know I, for one, continue to focus on the harness not the hope.  The last few months have been full of freaking out about my unsafe harness. “The harness is not tight enough. The harness is broken. I don’t feel safe.”  I’m still dragging around feeling frustrated and sorry for myself that my house is a mess and I didn’t accomplish enough at work today – I’m not really asking God to make all kinds of beautiful creations from my chaos.  I’m demanding safety checks instead of enjoying the ride.

 

Faith. Hope. Love.

At the moment we fear we will be “thrown out with the trash” or thrown from the roller coaster … THIS is the exact moment we get to cling to God — or more correctly — God shows how He’s the one holding onto us.

Faith. Hope. Love.

If this whole Jesus story is actually true… if the Psalms are to be trusted… then there may really, truly be nothing to fear.  If your harness is broken; if Jesus does not feel close or click into place for you right now, you will still be okay.  Jesus is not always a locked safety harness (sometimes He can be, and when He is enjoy the HECK out of that).

Jesus is always a daring Love artist and the gravity of His Love pulls us closer to Him even as we ride the roller coaster – eyes full of tears and lungs burning.

Love,
Nicole

Prayer: Lord, I want to see the world from your perspective: always safe, always free, always hopeful. Thank you for the ride that is my life and thank you for being stronger than all the free falls and loops I’ll ever experience. You are my love artist. Please bring the full force of your gravity to my life so that you are the strongest pull I ever know. Amen.

*****

This post is part of a linkup at Everyday Awe going through the book of Psalms – one every week.
A bunch of us are reflecting on Psalm 51.

 

 

 

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The Dresses in my Life

Posted by Nicole on March 8, 2013

I’m guessing I was seven.

A 7 year old girl. Shortest in my class with fine, brown hair and freckles.

Walking through the mall, my child-mind not caring at all what our actual reason was for being there, I saw it – I saw “her” really, not it.  In the window of a boutique children’s store, I saw the dress I still wish I could wear.

**********

I just knew it had to be mine. The true love was instant. I saw her from across the room and we were simply soul mates. There’s no other way to describe it.

The perfect visible manifestation of my invisible soul.

The physical depiction of my inner self.

I’d never been struck by an item of clothing before; Never known something was made for me, but this gorgeous thing was! oh, it was! Made. For. Me.

No description will do it justice.
How could I describe my Love to you in a way that doesn’t cheapen it?

Simply: imagine white, lace, a ballgown skirt, beads, shimmer. But none of that matters, because we had chemistry. So, make whatever is in your head 1000x better than what you first thought….
Oh, the delicious Specialness.

It was all I wanted from that moment on.  My school pictures would be epic!

I remember creating songs in its honor for days. Songs of love and courage. Spinning in circles, holding onto light poles and dancing my heart out in honor of the dress that would finally show the world the inner me – how beautiful and SPECIAL God made me.

What amazes me, looking back, is the esteem and self-love the dress awoke in me.

So, I worked up the bravery to ask my Dad to take us BACK to the intimidating mall and buy it for me. Making the ask felt like exposing my soul.

Sometimes, every once in a while, there is a material thing that really does connect with our souls. And telling someone how much it matters is like telling them You matter.

Sometimes, most of the time, other people don’t understand. And their misunderstanding shakes the foundations of your own convictions.

When my Dad, a shy and introverted man who struggled with public spaces, DID take me back to the mall, the combination of our awkwardness(es) could only lead one direction.

We walked into that boutique and immediately the weight of my ask grew heavier and heavier. My feet went cold. Looking up, I saw his face, the face of a father unable to understand or afford the thing his oldest daughter is asking for… and I knew. I knew it wasn’t my dress anymore.  By the time he turned over the pricetag, I was already saying Nevermind. Nevermind. It’s not worth it.

But, honestly, and not melodramatically, I decided I wasn’t worth it.

That day we bought a blue, plaid dress with an orange bow at the neck. We bought it from Sears.

**********

I was engaged to the love of my life at the age of twenty.  After 14 years of marriage and 18 years of making-out, our love is a challenging work but it is also a Great Love – the stuff of fairytales and Nicholas Sparks books.

Our wedding was incredibly simple: Morning light. Chicken lunch. Martinelli’s Toast. Silly afternoon dancing. Perfect.

except for my dress

Something still remained locked inside me even 14 years later.  Spending time or money on clothes or myself was no longer worth it.

Everything else was worth it: Our love was worth it, my family was worth it, our wedding was worth it but the part that was just for me – the dress …  I could not really engage in that process. I could not stand the tension within me. To spend time or money on something just for me, I wanted out of that decision fast.

So, with practicality and a desire to be unselfish with finances as my logical guides, I never dreamed for myself in this area. I quickly picked a cheap dress, hated it because it was actually ugly, and quickly picked another cheap dress that was pretty.

I felt pretty that day. It was a good day.

But I still long for that perfect dress. I still long to have a dress to wear that seems to complete me – even if just for a moment. Daydreaming for beauty.  It may sound shallow. That’s ok. Maybe it is. But it is real. You can still drown in shallow water.

**********

The issues always go deeper than the ones we discuss. So, I’ll end with this prayer…

Prayer: Jesus, my friend, I know you have more in store for me and available to me than I know how to absorb. I pray for the day that my very own skin and hair and smile are the things I fall in love with because you picked them out.  I pray, that like some John Mayer song, or the 7-year-old version of myself, I could sing about my skin – my face – with joy and courage and love.   And, Jesus, could I please someday have a dress that compliments this skin and face – the way a sunset lights up the beach? Thanks Jesus.

The perfect visible manifestation of my invisible soul.

(written as a linkup to the lovely Tanya at Thorns and Gold for a connection started at Concrete Words – yay, new friends!)

Posted in Free Flying Faith, Honest Home, Wonderful Wrestlings | 2 Comments »

Spiritual Midwives

Posted by Nicole on March 6, 2013

I’m new to this idea of putting my voice out into the air. So, I’ve been searching for people to connect with as I write. One person I have begun reading and enjoying is Sarah Bessey. So today, when she invited people to link up on the topic of spiritual midwives  — women who have helped me as God gave birth to some new part of me — I decided to give this a try and jump on in.  (She also spoke of Patron Saints as people we don’t know personally who have helped us or that we want to emulate – but I have lumped them together for today.)

________________________________________________________

My children were born at the hands of a midwife.

I too, have been born again at the hands of spiritual midwives.

The way my daughters were guided – with wisdom and help but never interference.

I have been guided but not controlled. Coaxed into a New Life.

Basically, women have come alongside me and helped me survive my spiritual births.

***********

I’ve had two women I LOVE give birth this month. Two new babies born into this version of life – Beautiful, strong, fragile, life-threatening and life-affirming birthing stories.

So, I have been thinking about the truth of birth a lot…
the awesome and the ugly.

How scary birthing is.
How no one can control it.
How birthing is messy.
How it is so messy.

How it pulls us back to the bones of living, exposing the ways we cover our nakedness in the day to day.

How it requires us to open up areas we absolutely did not and DO NOT want to see. (No thanks on the mirror on my wide-open vajewels.  I did NOT need to see THAT part of me at that angle, thanks!)

And no person’s birth story is the same. Absolutely no one can predict how or when a baby will be born.

We can get along just fine in life with very little help, taking care of the world and our selves, but at a birth you need help.

BTW – God bless the women who have orgasmic birthing stories. God bless you. The stories I most often hear are more warlike than dreamlike. Before I actually experienced a birth, I thought it would be one gorgeous day of finding my strength and beauty as a woman and mother.

“Giving birth is so natural and beautiful!! Giving birth rocks!”

I truly believed that would be The Way for me in childbirth.  Orgasmic in a sense … and, it wasn’t really.

I forget that God is the author of life. I forget that I can draw parallels between Him and His creation – his Words he spoke into being.

Daily, I forget  —
The way it is for physical birth is often the way it is for spiritual birth.

I still sometimes think that spiritual birth and growth is going to be this beautiful, natural experience – An experience where we move from one day to the next becoming closer to God and wiser as a person. Our skin will start to glow and we will walk around with people wondering how we got so beautiful and happy.

Think EAT, PRAY, LOVE… Isn’t that part of why we all bought that book? I too can have a beautiful awakening and rebirth into my true self and all I need to do is eat whatever I want then spend lots of freetime just breathing and sitting still and then fall in love in a foreign country.  AND DONE.

“Being a Christian is so natural and beautiful and happens in ways I can write so easily about!!  Being reborn rocks!”

 

But I am, honestly, in the middle of a spiritual birth and am reminded daily (whether I want to or not)

How scary even spiritual growth is.
How no one can control it.
How it is messy.
How it is so messy.

How it pulls us back to the bones of living, exposing the ways we cover our nakedness in the day to day.

How it requires us to open up areas we absolutely did not and DO NOT want to see. (No thanks on crying in staff meeting! Or at Starbucks when someone is says a harsh word.)

How no person’s spiritual birth story is the same. Absolutely no one can predict how or when each of us will find God in our lives or have a new epiphany about life.

How we can get along just fine in life with very little help, taking care of the world and our selves, but at a spiritual transition or birth you need help.

We need help in our spiritual births as well.

It’s funny, I would NEVER have considered giving birth to my babies alone with no help just because my body was made to do it and I believed it would be natural and beautiful.

I sought out a midwife to help and guide me. And she did! She checked my progress. She prepared me for birth. She was there the whole way. She cut the cord when it was around my baby’s neck.

I need to remember on days when it is difficult to grow in my life with God that my spiritual midwives are just as important.

My girl friends, my favorite author-friends (who will someday be my friends if all this Eternal life stuff is really real), my MOM, my sister, the writers all around me in the air blogging their spiritual stories. — all of them are my midwives at different times and in different ways.

They check on my progress. They encourage me. They give advice and then allow me the space to feel it all out. They also cut the cord if it’s starting to strangle me.

**********

If I am honest, though, I struggle with being honest.

I hate being vulnerable or open or messy. I do not let people come too close too often.  It’s only in extreme cases that I call on a midwife for intimate help.

So, my prayer is that I allow people into my mess and see what kind of birth story comes out of this year.

Prayer: I pray that I will continue to allow people into the intimate, messy, unpredictable parts of my life and that I can do the same for others. I pray for bravery, courage, and extreme humility and confidence at the same time.

Blessings on all of you, my future friends!

-Nicole

 

 

 

 

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I was out deep and a big set of waves rolled in

Posted by Nicole on February 22, 2013

Faith. Joy. Optimism. Jesus being real and Him caring about me.

These are the things I have built a life on.

I built a life.

And I find myself in a season of fog, big waves, cold wind.

Where did that life go? Have you seen it?

Waiting for the water to bring back the Faith and Life.

Waiting for the water to bring back the Faith and Life.

I am a California girl. For most of my life, I have lived within three miles of the ocean. Had a hard day? Drive to the beach. Feel like life is too much? Drive to the beach. Bills, yells, disappointments, disapprovals pulling you down? Drive to the beach. … Park. Take off shoes. Feel sand rub your feet. Exfoliate the dead life away. Then touch the water and feel new living life seep in through your toes.

.RESET.

Feel better. Move on and Back to Faith + Joy + Optimism + Jesus being real

And, when I was younger, much younger… when I was still only 5′ tall but my insides were more elastic, I would swim away any tears. Underwater no one can tell if you are crying. Underwater, even if people surround you, they can barely hear you scream out your sadness. Tears can flow. Face can be red. Muscles can strain. And it all blends into a beautiful camouflage. Water pushing and moving, hugging back the way air just doesn’t care to.

Water pushing and moving, hugging back the way air just doesn’t care to.

All the sadness and frustration could leave my body and soul.  All flowed out of me and into the healing water.  I would feel empty and ready to be refilled by the Faith + Joy + Optimism + Jesus I’d come to trust would always come back. Hurray!

Recently, though… recently, I cannot find the healing water. I still live near the beach and pools in my California neighborhood. I touch the water both literally and figuratively in my prayers but nothing happens. My touchstone, my constant, my compass is no longer working. Up and down, north and south – they are meaningless.

I read other people’s beautiful blogs about how Jesus is finding them no matter how lost they feel – even in the trash. And intellectually, I trust it MUST still be real.  I’m just lost, God’s not, right? I believe Jesus believes in me even when I don’t believe in him – or however the saying goes.

In my bones, though, my bones tell the truth my intellect cannot.

In my bones, there is pain not trust.

 A burning.

Have you ever swam in the ocean? Swimming at the beach was a huge part of my childhood.  We swam in the ocean, played in the waves. In the infinite water up to my chest, swells came by and picked me up, lifting me off the cool sand under it all. One small body bouncing in anticipation, watching the swells come up from their source. The Pacific Ocean, my own beautiful mosh pit. Waves form and if you catch them just right, they lift you up – without any more than a tiptoe of energy from your own body. Lifted and weightless. Light and free.

But, the ocean is not just lightness and freedom and happy happy zen. It’s no joke. All that infinite water has a power and weight. The same power that lifts a little girl up to the sky, can suck her into a dark whirlpool. Vivid memories still sit at the front of my brain. A big set of waves could come in without warning. When you are out that far, the best thing to do when a BIG set of waves begins is to go under each one. Under the white wash. Under the sucking, thunderous breaks. But, once or twice, I didn’t get under in time.

Little head pops up to grasp a gasp of air but can’t get down deep again in time… and I’d get pulled into the swirling, spinning water.  The terror. The confusion. The fog. Especially in deep water, you cannot even find the sand.

It is a complete loss of direction – Up and down, north and south – they are meaningless.

I couldn’t find the sand or the air. I’d have taken either one. I’d pray, “Let me hit the bottom so I have some direction. Give me the sand so I can push up to the surface.”

Lungs burn hot; burning a hole in my chest so they can get to the surface, even if the rest of me never makes it.

I remember it so clearly.

 

This is how I feel now as I swim through life. The water I move and swim in everyday does not soothe me. I am not reset, home, camouflaged, soothed or free. Instead I burn.  I was out deep and a big set of waves rolled in.

I try actual, physical water on my burns but it has lost its touchstone connection to God.

I find myself giving up God for Lent without any choice in the matter. And it burns. It feels like drowning in the very place I found my life. Where I was once lifted up by a very present, big, loving  God  – without any more than a tiptoe of energy from my own soul – Now, I find pain and confusion in that same spot.

Death where there was life.

All I can do now is wait and swim. Jesus, who is real and cares about me – my intellect says, is still here. And my brain reminds my bones that this is how it works. Life to Death to Greater Life.

Resurrection.     

Life where there was death.

Everything must die so that new life can spring up. Even Faith. Maybe I can believe that even faith, like other things, must die to be reborn. My faith must doubt & die.

Faith like a mustard seed, right? Seeds die before they grow giant trees and climbing vines. Death is the beginning of a much bigger life for the seed. Maybe, just maybe, this is part of what Jesus meant…

Luke 17:6 “If you have faith like a grain of mustard seed…”

+

John 12:24–25, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.”

What if I put the two together? I have faith like a mustard seed and it’s time to let it fall into the earth and die so that it can bear much fruit.

A tiny seed falls to the ground. Once the seed coat breaks, the seed begins to grow roots. Inside the seed is new life: Roots. Height. Depth. Reach. More seeds. More Fruit.

Death is the beginning of new life for a seed. Maybe it will be for me too. Maybe in a year from now, maybe in three days, I will be reborn with a bigger and more expansive faith.

Until then (and believe me I do not take lightly saying “Until”) I will just keep swimming.

…For anyone struggling with faith today. An offering, poured out.

-Nicole

  Just Keep Swimming

 

Hey Mr Grump Gills
You know what you gotta do when life gets you down?
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming swimming swimming
What do we do we swim, swim, swim

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Water, please (a parable of sorts)

Posted by Nicole on February 19, 2013

“A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”
– The Everlasting Man, GK Chesterton

**********

I can see it, the water, just across the room… and yet, I never get all the way there. And, I’m thirsty.

“Why don’t I ever get there?”-  I wonder.  I look down just to check again, as I often do. Yep, all good.  I’m running on my treadmill and it’s working just fine.  I don’t know how you do it in your town, but around here we all run on treadmills. It’s the absolute best way to get to the water. My treadmill is smooth, adjustable, modern.  Everyone uses one – some are better than others, though.  The one I have is good for my knees, I hear. And, I’m extra fierce on mine because there’s a racing stripe down the middle. I feel faster this way.

Lately, though, I’m really, EXTRA thirsty. The water is about 400 feet from me now, I think. I can’t totally tell. It’s definitely closer than last week. Definitely. This new treadmill is working better.

And, I’m working hard at my new program. I bought a new program that helps me improve my running so I can get to the water faster. But, it’s making me thirstier – ah, Catch 22…

I must work harder and harder to improve my skills, my stride, my incline capabilities… the more I strive, the more I want the water, the more I strive!

It’s competitive up in here!  So I keep workin’ it. Studying. Reading articles and books. Trying new products to make me a better runner.  But I really wish I’d make progress more quickly.

This is torture.

Honestly, can I tell you something? I think I’m going crazy because there’s a voice in my head telling me to get off the treadmill. HA! That’d be ridiculous.

We all know that’s crazy in THIS town. EVERYONE is on a treadmill. I’d be stupid to get off.  I’ll fall behind. AND I know someone will steal my spot, too, if I even move off for a moment. I’ve been running a long time. I’m sure I’ll get there soon. I must be closer. I’ve been working really hard on my stride. …

 

…. The voice is still here, though. I’ve been more tired lately for some reason and the voice is somehow louder when I feel more tired. It keeps telling me to trust it and step onto the ground. It says that the ground is actually MORE helpful for reaching the water than my treadmill is. But, I’m not sure I can believe it.

**********

It says that the ground is actually MORE helpful for reaching the water than my treadmill is.

But, I’m not sure I can believe it.

The voice of our Creator is always here offering us MORE. Telling us the ground is solid beneath our feet.

If we are honest, we all know there’s more available than what we choose to survive on. We all know that the “getting ahead” on our treadmills is an illusion. We were made my Someone that had better plans than this.

Our creator offers us a solid ground to walk on.

There’s more available to us than we have been told by the powers that want the powers to stay the powers. 

The folks on the treadmills at the front of the room want to stay in the front, so they’d like us to all stay on our treadmills. They can continue to tweet and share and sell their tips on how to move faster on the treadmill so we can move up to the front with them.  We read and study but never quite make it. Plus, the folks that make the treadmills can keep their power and money only if we stay on and keep a runnin’.

If I just started walking on the ground – trusted its trustworthyness is actually real – I could finally rest and breathe. I could stop buying, striving, and comparing myself to the other treadmill runners.  If the ground is actually real and good for walking on…

I would be free to drink. I could finally reach the water I need to live. This would be GOOD NEWS.

**********

“A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”
– The Everlasting Man, GK Chesterton

You are ALIVE, my friend! You are alive. You are not dead. You do not have to go with the stream unless you want to. If you want to change things up, you can.

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What are you hungry for?

Posted by Nicole on February 1, 2013

Hi Friends!

 

So I started asking myself, “What do I want in life?”

The answer that came back immediately …

“Coffee, please.”

“Maybe also a chocolate chip cookie and a long nap too.”

 

On one hand, that’s lovely and simple.

On the other hand…  That’s all I want out of LIFE?  Really? That’s it?! That’s just kinda sad.

That’s what I define as an attainable wish.

 

Somewhere in me is a quiet, desperate whisper for more.

 

There’s got to be more to life than the wish for a few sensory comforts, right?  Something real, big, energizing.

The little whisper for real meaning and purpose is so, so quiet most of the time and the longing for comfort and pleasure is oh, so loud: I want it!  I want it!  I want chocolate!  I want a nap!  I want quiet and time to myself!  I want pizza and diet coke and cookies and warm donuts and a margarita (together or separate – I’ll take ’em how I can get ’em)!

If I am not careful to pay attention to my true desires, i will

live from numbing agent to numbing agent trying to escape the boredom, sadness, isolation or frustration  – and when I am not doing that I am using those same things numbers to celebrate or care for myself.

I’ve been asking myself those hard questions you have to ask, if you ever want to change. What do I actually really want?

“What’s the thing behind the thing?” – Rob Bell

I want to feel good. Do you know what feels good?  To eat and drink until you are so full you just need to sleep. aaahhh!  You can then curl up and take a nap or watch a wonderfully mindless TV show and forget everything but that heavy, sweet, full feeling.

To put it simply: I want to feel full.

We all want to feel full… fulfilled.  I do not like emptiness. I do not want to have a longing in my gut that continues to get my attention and demand I do something about it.  I have mistaken that longing for a solely physical hunger for far too long. It is a spiritual, physical and psychological need and I cannot separate them. Deep down, I actually want to find fulfillment for my whole self and I am settling for just a physical sedation.

Until I stop stuffing the pipes with doughy goodness, I will never make room for the other good stuff to pour into my life. Until I change and upgrade my goals from “avoiding hunger and finding sugary carbohydrates,” I will never have enough energy or drive to pursue bigger and better things.

I MUST DEFINE NEW GOALS based on my deeper desires.

What do I do when I have a free hour?  If my goal is comfort and food (my normal), I eat some sugar and take a nap. If my goal is health, I workout and dance and eat vegetables and fruit.  My goals define how I spend my time. So, until I change my goals, I will not change my habits and actions.  And until I actually want those goals more than I want the items I am addicted to and my old ways, I will never change.  I have to let the hunger remain so I can FEEL what I am really hungry for — not just healthy food but a more purposeful life.

I was made for more!

 

Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do.”

I want to be more than sugar and sleep.  That’s what I repeatedly do.

I WANT to be vibrant, powerful, loving, healthy and really ALIVE.
If I really mean that, then it’s time to repeatedly DO vibrant, powerful, loving things.

There are deeply-set reasons I have learned to settle, though, as I am sure there are lots of reasons we ALL settle: I am overwhelmed with the demands of family, kids, work, school… “Adult Life”.  So, I dull the pain. I fill the void as quickly and easily as I can.

I give my tired soul a quick fix.

The quick fix doesn’t last, though, and I am quickly empty again. This can’t continue.

It’s time to start a life... to let the emptiness linger so I can feel what I really desire. Desire. Hunger.

What do I want out of life?  I have to shut the quick answers up so I can hear that slow, quiet whisper in my heart… what do I really want out of life? What am I here for? (Because I don’t think I am here JUST to eat cookies.)  If I can’t hear the whisper, I will never learn what my new goals need to be and I will never change my habits.

I have to end the cycle and feel the hunger.

I. Do. Not. Want. To.

But, I get the feeling I will never want to. Ever.  So I better be my own parent and just cut myself off. Give myself a time out. Go to my room. And think about why I did what I did. Why I do what I do.

On my timeout, I will wait for the whisper. I will let the waves of cravings move on past. And I will wait for the real desires to rise to the surface. They’ve been buried a long time. This may take a bit… and I pray I can hold out, because I am seriously getting my hopes up that it might actually be worth it. I think it’ll be worth it. I was made for more than I am living for.

What about you?

-Nicole

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Let’s Celebrate Life

Posted by Nicole on January 31, 2013

When you go to Disneyland, you can ask for a big button to wear all day. It will say “It’s My Birthday!” or “Let’s Celebrate!”  And you can fill in your name underneath or write what you are celebrating: “Anniversary” or “Graduation”. Then everyone who works at Disneyland will see your button and comment and welcome you.

“Happy Birthday, Princess!”

“Happy Anniversary!”

We live near Disneyland and go often.  The other day my little girls and I were walking through the huge plaza full of people as another woman walking towards us caught my eye.  She wore a “Let’s Celebrate” pin, crew-neck t-shirt, big white sneakers and high-waisted shorts;  Typical, comfy, I’m on vacation from rural (fill in a state) attire.  I always think about the people at Disneyland as they walk past us. Is this their first time?  Are they spending 3 years’ savings to make these memories with their families at Disneyland?  What’s her story?

Then, as this particular woman moved nearer to us, I looked closely at her button and saw that it said “Let’s Celebrate… LIFE.” Instantly, all the details I had subconsciously noticed about her came into focus:  Comfy clothes. Thin, short, newly-grown-in gray hair. Pale and slightly puffy face…  New cancer survivor. Laughing with her friends. Walking through the Disneyland plaza. Celebrating LIFE.  Smiling at me as she passed.  She’s on a LIFE.

 

Life.  I want to be on a LIFE. Let’s celebrate… LIFE.

“Happy LIFE, Princess!”

 

So, step one of going on a LIFE – what that woman in big, white sneakers and high-waisted shorts wore all over her gorgeous face: Gratitude. For Everything. For Life Itself.

(pause.)

Gratitude.  It only happens in this exact moment.

 

What makes a LIFE? How does a person permanently change, ditch the Die ette, find gratitude, or even choose a new path without using fear, peer pressure, strict rules, pre-made meals, a personal trainer and a nanny?  How do we combine all the things we currently want into one nice life where everything fits and we’re happy about it?

LIFE is in our habits. In the moment-to-moment choices. This is who we are. Whether it’s what we eat, watch, say, do… We ARE our little decisions. It’s so hard to celebrate life when our little choices keep veering off course.  It’s so hard to feel really alive when my little choices – my little steps – keep taking me further away from the life I want. Do you ever feel that way?  You want something so much and yet you continue to take little, tiny steps away?

This is why DIE-ettes don’t help. They are temporary black & white fixes to life-long, complex issues and goals.

I am done pushing and striving to follow a short-term, fix-me-quick die-ette. Spending so much time researching, trying, failing, being on day 3 for the 100th time, judging results … I am looking down and forgetting to look up with gratitude.   Gratitude that I am alive.

Now, I am done with DIE-ettes BUT the issue is still here. I am still not living Life to the fullest, healthiest, most vibrant standards and I know it because I feel conflicted. I want things that contradict each other.  I want pizza and a flat tummy. I want a deep connection to God and to watch The Bachelor.

This year I am going to get deep down in this messy little spirit and body of mine and try to get to the HEART of why I choose little DIE-ettes instead of LIFE.  I am going to stop surviving and start living.

Will you join me?  Whether you read this today or a year from when I’ve written these words, I am throwing out a strand your way.  Grab hold. Let’s go on a LIFE.

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Capturing Memories

Posted by Nicole on February 8, 2012

This was a beautiful day. Kids became wild cats with a little make-up. Blankets flew. Tiny feet jumped and twirled. Skin lovingly touched skin in hugs and kisses. Just one of those days God gives you to keep you going. Priceless.

But I only remember it because I have photos to jog my memory.  How many others have I enjoyed and now they’re gone forever?

“The saddest part about life is you don’t remember half of it. You don’t even remember half of half of it. Not even a tiny percentage, if you want to know the truth.  I have this friend Bob who writes down everything he remembers. If he remembers dropping an ice cream cone on his lap when he was seven, he’ll write it down.  The last time I talked to Bob, he had written more than five hundred pages of memories.  He’s the only guy I know who remembers his life. He said he captures memories because if he forgets them, it’s as though they didn’t happen; it’s as though he hadn’t lived the parts he doesn’t remember”

– A MILLION MILES

“It’s as though he hadn’t lived the parts he doesn’t remember.”  That line breaks my heart.

Every, every minute of life is precious – a gift from God. Yet, I forget pretty much every one of my lovingly-lived minutes before the week is through.  Why is that? I hunger and thirst to capture each exquisite moment with my little kids and with my husband and with my friends.  But. I can’t. They are gone. Lived and loved and gone.

But I have hope that God is remembering it all for me.  Maybe life is like a movie and He’s the cinematographer and director. I’ll get to watch the movie with him when we are together someday.  It’ll be one of our date nights.  God and I will snuggle on the couch… me curled up next to Him… I bet he smells amazing… and we’ll watch the show.  We’ll laugh and he’ll show me his favorite parts (he’ll have 1000’s).  I’ll jump up at times – remembering something fabulous for the first time since it originally happened.  I’ll look over at him and he’ll laugh and smile at me with more love and understanding than I thought possible – and I’ll curl back into him for a thousand hours more.  We’ll cry together too – parts will be tragic. It may hurt a little, but this time, like in any well-told story – the saddest parts will provide the meaning and the power that make the triumphant and sweet parts so special.

I cling to that hope.  In the meantime, what do we do to help us remember? I thank God for the pictures I manage to take of moments I LOVED and would just not remember otherwise.  I try to journal. I have friends with better memories than me who help out.  It’s a big question in my life.   I struggle with the tension of loving and then releasing each moment as I live it. What about you?

-Nicole

 

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1000 Strands

Posted by Nicole on July 11, 2011

 

“…what we must do now is share everything. Everything! If one of us likes anything, there must be something to like in it – and the other one must find it. Every single thing that either of us likes. That way we shall create a thousand strands, great and small, that will link us together… And our trust in each other will not only be based on love and loyalty but on the fact of a thousand sharings – a thousand strands twisted into something unbreakable.”

– A Severe Mercy

A thousand strands twisted into something unbreakable.  Unbreakable.  I want to have unbreakable relationships.  I want to have the things I care about matter to someone else too.  Life can be made of unbreakable stuff when we tie ourselves, knot ourselves, anchor ourselves to the eternal God who made us and is here already making everything new and unbreakable.

 

Have you ever read something in a book or article and it just hit you hard? You laughed til you cried. You just cried. You spoke out loud back to the book, “Holy @*#! I’d never thought of that!”  Your soul moved a few inches … permanently.

Whatever it was, it mattered to you in your core, and you just HAD to share it with someone. When a friend matches your enthusiasm… that’s bliss.

Each of these little encounters changes us.  This is chemistry.  Falling in love.  Making a friend. Bonding.

“The actual thing – inloveness – requires something like a spark leaping back and forth from one to the other becoming more intense every moment, love building up like voltage in a coil.”
-A Severe Mercy

Love requires sharing. Mutual sharing. This is a core truth of life. In this place I will share the things and thoughts that connect with my life.  I believe there’s a God who wants that same kind of “spark leaping back and forth… love building up like voltage in a coil.” And, He wants it with us.

Feel free to share back. Let’s create electricity … and a thousand strands of sharing twisted into something unbreakable.

-Nicole

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