Posts Tagged ‘sex’
Help Your Spouse Want More
Posted by Nicole on February 27, 2015
Hey Guys,
Want more great sex with your spouse? Want them to want sex more? I’m not one to be bullet-point about things, but since this is for you Guys I’m gonna try. Let’s start with the delicate subject of arousal and wanting sex …
*****
Imagine that every couple days your female best friend drives to your house to see you. You open the door and run out. Grabbing her in a fierce hug, you smile and stand together for a moment. You’ve missed her. While still hugging, you pat her down and take any money, jewelry, or Starbucks cards she has on her. You stick your hands in her pockets and pull. You slide your hands up and down her sides, noticing a phone in her jacket and a wallet as well. You slide your fingers in and take those too. Then, you hold your friend by the shoulders, say “THANKS, SEE YOU TOMORROW!” with a big ol’ grin, and go back into the house, locking the door behind you.
How many times do you think that friend would come back to see you, if all they get is their body patted for loot?
Our spouse is the person with whom we have agreed to be BEST Friends.
And frankly, sometimes, sex can feel like a fairly pleasant mugging instead of best friends playing.
*****
(I want to clarify that the typical man/woman roles in sexual interactions can easily be switched. About 1 in 8 of the people I talk to about their relationships have the roles reversed – where the woman wants sex more often than the man. Just read this from the role you know you fill.)
*****
Here’s the hard part: Some of you, men, you are using women’s bodies to get what you want… but most of you would be profoundly saddened to hear that a woman felt used after having sex with you. Most men want sex to be good for both parties.
Despite the efforts of good men, who do want to have great sex with the woman they love {GOOD = reciprocal, hot, fun, satisfying sex}, many women are in a nearly constant state of being “turned off” because of past experiences or cultural messages or things you are inadvertently communicating. Consequently, sex does not feel like two beloved friends reuniting but rather a fairly pleasant mugging.
*****
What can be done about this?
It all comes down to navigating arousal.
3 THINGS:
1. Equal Participation.
Have you ever had a friend who was an over-talker? Someone who literally sucked you dry because you couldn’t get a word in edgewise and felt like they just wanted you to listen to them talk on and on, but had NO interest in your life? Make sure your sex is NOT like that. Give and receive. Laugh. Make eye contact. Pause and Listen. Pay attention to their needs as well as your own. Make sex more like a deep conversation than a high five…more like sharing everything you have than a fairly pleasant mugging.
If you are the person who usually just listens and doesn’t share your own heart – i.e. if you are the one who just lays there while the other person is trying to connect, start asking yourself questions about why that is and take action. (START WITH MY FREE NEWSLETTER) Clearly choose IN, do not make your spouse guess if you want to do this with them.
2. Moving into mutual arousal is a delicate process.
Move with intentionality through the moments where intimacy and touch turn to arousal, because arousal can feel like a demand. No matter how flattering or meaningful, if one person feels loving but not anywhere near aroused and is then met by the demanding arousal of the other – it can feel more like pressure or obligation than like the sexy attraction we all want so badly from another person.
Arousal is a little like drinking alcohol.
No one wants to drink alone, but being the sober one sucks too.
If you are the one faster to be aroused, be clear that your arousal is not your body yelling AT your partner for immediate gratification – it is a pull towards each other – a desire for passionate connection. If the man is the faster-aroused, it will be obvious. 🙂 Try to keep a piece of friendship between you while you are aroused: say something sweet, slow down, be still between movements, make each other laugh.
There is a deeply sewn belief that “all men want is sex.” So, when a man becomes aroused, it makes the woman immediately feel less human and more “object.” This is the core of what needs to be worked through without judgment on either side = Keep your humanity while being aroused.
Arousal is GOOD. It is from God. It is a pull towards each other that keeps us connected when the busyness of life tries to pull us apart. Respect arousal as a gift from God – harness it and use it to build connection and love.
3. Make it clear that you want HER.
You want this woman – as she is today. You want to connect with her on levels only possible when your entire body and soul are involved. This will help navigate arousal. Both of you must be willing to accept the other at whatever level of arousal each of you need to start at and then move towards each other … Like a great conversation with deepening questions and confessions.
How do you do this?
If you are not easily aroused? Be patient with your body but do not let a lack of arousal keep you from starting an intimate night. Do not feel bad about your level of arousal just don’t accept it as a final answer.
If you are easily aroused? Be patient with your partner’s body. Coax them into a great time, but do not feel ashamed of your arousal…it is like fuel. Use it wisely… it is combustible and can hurt if we are not careful about how we use it.
*****
Hey Guys, instead of running to take what you can get, give everything you have to each other. Lay it all on the table, on the bed, on the floor.
I closed my eyes and spoke to you in a hundred Silent ways. – Rumi
Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: Hey Guys, love and making it, sex | Leave a Comment »
Passionals
Posted by Nicole on February 20, 2015
What is a Passional?
It is a letter from me to you combining PASSION + SPIRIT.
Part devotional. Part sex-therapist session. Part drinks with a best friend.
*****
In a world full of demands and expectations around beauty and sexuality, a Passional is freedom and exploration.
When you receive your weekly Passional, you will know I have been thinking about how to bring more Bravery + Beauty + Freedom to your life in bed and out.
*****
It’s all about you and your marriage and the meaning behind all of our actions.
It’s also about creating hot make-out-sessions.
It’s also about starting glorious flames of passion in your heart.
It’s also about noticing the glory in every moment – and the glory in YOU.
*****
You are glorious. You are good. You are a miracle. Your skin. Your smile. The way your lungs fill with air to spread life throughout your body. The freckle you think is weird, that’s beautiful too.**
Your spouse is also a miracle. Can you see it?
Your Passional will remind you to notice the miracles and help you find ways around & through the obstacles in your love life.
Passionals are for anyone wanting a safe, respectful, loving, but still instructive, funny and passionate take on sex.
Here are the first 3 FREE Passional Newsletters. Read them and subscribe for more.
Keeping the Spark Alive – Passional Newsletter #1
Let Your Body Speak – Passional Newsletter #2
Swimming in Mood – Passional Newsletter #3
You can subscribe through any of the newsletters or you can subscribe:
RIGHT HERE. TOUCH THIS, RIGHT HERE.
I hope this is just the beginning of our friendship! Thanks for reading and subscribing.
**Note: If you have a weird freckle that is more than just “weird” or getting weirder, have a doctor check that out.
LOVE AND MAKING IT: REAL SEX. REAL LOVE.
BRAVERY | BEAUTY | FREEDOM
Henry Miller quote | Love and Making it | www.1000strands.com
Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: Henry Miller, newsletter, passionals, sex, writing | Leave a Comment »
Start coloring with 50 Shades of Grey
Posted by Nicole on February 13, 2015
I write and speak on the topic of sex. I want to be careful with the trust you have given me on this subject. I will not tell you whether you should see 50 Shades of Grey since I haven’t seen the movie yet. Only you know what is beneficial for YOU … but hopefully this will help you cultivate freedom and beauty in your own life either way.
Here’s what I learned from reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books:
I had limited my own creativity. Most of the actual activities within the book were not appealing to me BUT a few were, and more importantly it got me thinking about how artistic and creative someone can be within their make-out sessions.
Texture.
Music.
Surprise.
Sensation.
Voicing what you want.
Clear boundaries and room to play within those rules.
Rather than giving thought to whether the movie should exist or if it will literally destroy a generation, give thought to your own story. You do not need to save the world. How about we first save ourselves?
Does your body need your attention? Does your spouse’s body need your attention?
Fifty Shades of Grey gives a lot of attention to bodies. This is another thing I learned: It is especially important for those of us who’ve struggled with bodies being GOOD and BEAUTIFUL and perfectly made by a GOD YOU LOVES YOUR BODY — to intentionally focus your own loving attention on your body.
Where have you been limited in your thinking about your body?
Where have you settled for “mediocre” in making love?
Is sex an obligation? Is it something you do to make babies? Is it something you do for attention?
How do you move? Could you move differently?
What is your sensory experience? Could you add anything? Smells? Tastes? Varied movements? Music?
Within the healthy boundaries of your own life, how could you play?
Life is full of art. We create a masterpiece within each day by how we live. It’s easy to think of creativity starting in our heads and moving out into the items we create: blog posts, paintings, photographs, meals … BUT do not forget that your own body needs to creatively express itself. Embodiment is healthy. Have you seen a toddler dance lately? Dear Lord, they are art in motion.
*****
If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that I believe in my bones that EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED. Rather than seeing 50 Shades of Grey, spend some time looking at art and thinking about sex. You will get the benefits without the complications of the movie.
How do the paintings and photographs communicate movement or texture?
How could your body express your feelings?
Imagine what you could do.
Why does Fifty Shades turn women on? We could debate the intricacies, but most of all, it’s because it makes women actually THINK about sex as pleasurable and creative. Thinking about new possibilities {in bed} will turn you on.
So, here’s my collection of Fifty Shades of Grey inspiration for you. ENJOY!
(want more inspiration for a healthy | brave | beautiful lovelife?
Sign up for the free, weekly NEWSLETTER)
Paul Jenkins, Lateral Crossing (2007) | 1000strands.com | Shades of Grey
Grey Ocean | 1000strands.com | Fifty Shades of Grey | Found at http://busybeingfabulous.com/2011/04/side-by-side-the-beauty-of-blacks-and-whites/
By Mark Tobey | Found at http://wowgreat.tumblr.com/post/16574960081/mark-tobey
Caught Leaf by James R. Paige | Found at https://www.flickr.com/photos/pageworld/5120795449/
Found at http://www.designlovefest.com/2014/03/mint-mocha-shake-recipe/
Found at http://busybeingfabulous.com/2011/04/side-by-side-the-beauty-of-blacks-and-whites/
Found at http://intsight.tumblr.com/
Found at http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/brooks-shane-salzwedel
(want more inspiration for a healthy | brave | beautiful lovelife?
Sign up for the free, weekly NEWSLETTER)
Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: art, Fifty Shades of Grey, Love, love and making it, sex | Leave a Comment »
Passionals Newsletter Sign Up Now
Posted by Nicole on February 5, 2015
Love and Making It
is about to start a new season
Hey, my friend! It’s time for us to start something new together.
At one point or another you’ve read the blog, seen me speak live, or taken an ecourse and I want to THANK YOU for that. Thank you for joining me here. Thank you for being brave enough to even start reading and thinking about how to make your life better, braver, and more beautiful … even IN bed. This is my passion = helping you find your passion.
*****
I am floored by the good work I’ve been lucky enough to see some of you do. You’ve been brave. You’ve literally changed your marriages and lives by engaging with the heart and soul of LOVE AND MAKING IT. Thank you for letting me share in a little of your awesomeness!
*****
I am reminded that we all need this place… even when we are busy, actually, because we are busy. We need reminders everyday to take good care of our love-lives, because it’s a strong current pulling us back to confusion, ambivalence, fear, dislike, and exhaustion.
There are so many forces pushing us away from healthy sex lives. Health is a constant practice, we can’t work out one day and expect to be fit forever. We can’t read one good article about sex and expect our sex lives to be healthy. This is a practice.
And so here we are, about to start a new season. This year I have more content and more bravery of my own and I am excited to share it all with you, but you know it’s more than just the content here – it’s about action and new ways of training our thinking about our bodies.
My goal this year {and I hope you’ll come with me} is to provide you with more hands-on activities, perspective-changing tools, and even more HOPE that your body can be a great place to live and play.
Your body can be a GREAT place to live and play.
Whether you are married, single, divorced… bigger than those categories… because who wants to be limited by their relational status?… There will be camaraderie and help through Love and Making It.
This blog will still continue to cover all kinds of things (but be warned, there will be regular talk of sex in what I hope is a healthy, loving, brave way)… BUT
It’s time to sign up for my LOVE AND MAKING IT – PASSIONAL newsletter (no spam. it’ll come out about once week) and get more indepth articles plus hear first about ecourses, books, videos, activities and more… sign up for the LOVE AND MAKING IT newsletter: PASSIONALS á GOGO
What is a Passional?
Part devotional. Part sex-therapist session. Part drinks with a best friend.
Who should sign up?
You. And your friends. And people who love their spouse but want more inspiration in “loving” their spouse. Women who say no to sex when they have a headache, because they don’t realize sex can cure headaches. Men who wonder why women don’t seem to love sex. People who’ve been trained how not to have sex before marriage but not how to have sex after marriage. Anyone who wants healthy, honest, fun conversations about living well in out bodies + souls. Love and Making It is for you.
You deserve bravery + beauty + freedom in bed and out!
Sign up for a weekly, free boost of inspiration and love. Do not let another day go by where you don’t feel beautiful and you don’t look forward to making out with your spouse. Let’s do this! You and your spouse are worthy of love and good make-out-sessions. Sign up!
You’ll be the first to hear about special eCourses and goodies too!
Posted in Beauty SOS47, Love and Making It, Uncategorized | Tagged: help, love and making it, marriage, newsletter, sex | Leave a Comment »
Feel alive
Posted by Nicole on October 13, 2014
Great sex – great physical love – makes us feel alive. It is our soul’s current dwelling in a body that, in fact, makes us ALIVE. Really see your Beloved tonight. See them and remember how precious these days are together. Breathing. Touching. Moving.
Don’t waste it. See your Beloved with fresh eyes of hungry, vibrant gratitude.
-N
Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: poem, sex, Tyler Knott | 1 Comment »
Open to me
Posted by Nicole on October 12, 2014
I was asleep but my heart was awake.
A voice! My beloved was knocking:
‘Open to me, my love, my darling,
My dove, my perfect one!
For my head is drenched with dew,
My locks with the damp of the night.’
“I have taken off my dress,
How can I put it on again?
I have washed my feet,
How can I dirty them again?
“My beloved extended his hand through the opening,
And my feelings were aroused for him.
“I arose to open to my beloved;
And my hands dripped with myrrh,
And my fingers with liquid myrrh,
On the handles of the bolt.
“I opened to my beloved,
But my beloved had turned away and had gone!
-Song of Songs, Chapter 5 verses 2-6
*****
I was sleepwalking through my days and nights, but somewhere buried inside … my heart was awake. I wanted to feel alive, but mostly I just felt tired. My heart was beating inside my chest, but my limbs and eyes could barely feel it. Life is just draining, isn’t it?
I got all ready for bed. The kids’ teeth were brushed, pajamas on, homework checked, clothes set out for tomorrow, lunches planned, and after 3 trips back into their room with forgotten stuffed animals, glasses of water, and extra hugs, I finally started winding my own self down for the night. I took a quick shower and put on my toner, serum, eye-cream and nighttime moisturizer. I plucked a few stray hairs from some, places…There’s coconut oil on my feet inside cotton socks. My hair is braided in the hopes that the Pin I saw about beachy waves is true. Finally, I lay down with a book to relax – just for a few minutes before my eyes cross and I do that thing where I read the same paragraph 3 times without knowing what I read.
Then, my husband comes in with that look in his eye.
He bumps me, unnecessarily, and asks,
“How Are you?”
He, too, wants to relax. His version of relaxing is sometimes different than mine.
I hesitate. How am I?
Me: “I’m fine. How are you?”
Him: “Good. I’m good”
{He stays very still, keeping eye contact}
Him: …. “Are you tired?”
{I reply, honestly, but also knowing what he’s getting at and not sure I’m up to it}
Me: “Well, yes.”
Him: “oh, ok.”
{He leaves the room, slowly}
I sit, thinking. I love him. I wish I felt more awake… more alive. I wish I felt passion or desire or any kind of freakin energy so I could go and love him… actively. Instead I sit and feel the push and pull of wanting and not wanting to have sex tonight. I know it’s a good idea. I know he loves me and wants me to open up to him. I’m just so… tired. And ready for bed. I am ready for bed. Do I really need to get all messed up and start over. That’s a lot of special nighttime product I already put on.
Finally, I decide to go out and see him. I stand next to him as he sits on the computer. I lean against him, my stomach and chest pressing into him. He doesn’t look up.
We share a few words but they don’t connect. We lost each other, for tonight.
*****
So many men and women will live this story tonight? Will I choose it again? Or will tonight be the night that when he knocks, I open the door? Will tonight be the night that I am already covered in “myrrh” and ready to be open to him in body and spirit – when he first reaches for me rather than as a afterthought when the rejection has already taken hold of his heart and he is gone?
What will you do?
Posted in Love and Making It, Uncategorized | Tagged: missed opportunities, sex, Sex. Love, song of solomon | 6 Comments »
Just Do It
Posted by Nicole on October 9, 2014
If you love your husband but just can’t find the motivation or desire to have sex or initiate sex, this is the most practical help I can give:
Just Do It
I know it’s not romantic. I know it’s not ideal.
We want passion and an irresistible magnetic pull towards the love of our lives, but we do not live in Outlander or Twilight or 50 Shades. No one is writing our romance for us – in OUR lives. We have to do the work of making time to love our spouse with not just our minds but our bodies too.
Many of us spend all day basically in our heads. Our bodies serve to carry our brains around and not much else (except to eat Chipotle! Thank you, mouth!). I mean, we work hard but we do not move our bodies for pleasure or mastery of movement.
This causes a disconnect between our minds and our bodies in that we are not accustomed to a life that requires a conscious, practiced connection between body, mind, and soul. We move minimally or with rough, uninspired, exhausted actions throughout long days.
Then, we come home and our husbands (usually, but sometimes it’s the other way around) want to make sweet love… and we are so disconnected from our body that it feels foreign, awkward, and… well, like a lot of work, to get up the energy to have sex.
BUT if they hang in there with us and push through the initial rejection (miracle!) then we kiss and kissing turns to sex… and most of the time, we are really, really glad we did have that sex. We really love our spouse and making love to them is a good thing.
It’s a lot like going to the gym.
Sometimes you just have to do it. Get started. Put on your shoes.
You may not really feel like it, but you know it’s good for you and you’ll be happy you did it. So you start, and about 15 minutes in you find yourself enjoying it. You feel strong and alive. Your muscles and your mind are working in unison. Then, after you are done, you are proud and you are glowing.
It’s okay to feel the same way about sex.
Sometimes you just have to do it. Get started. Put on your shoes {but this time it’s lingerie}.
You may not really feel like it, but you know it’s good for you and you’ll be happy you did it. So you start, and about 15 minutes in you find yourself enjoying it. You feel strong and alive. Your muscles and your mind are working in unison. Then, after you are done, you are proud and you are glowing.
Just do it.
(I did not make this pic, I just like it.)
Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: help, initiate, Love, love and making it, sex | 3 Comments »
How to keep a marriage
Posted by Nicole on October 8, 2014
What lights a relationship on fire? What keeps it going after fifteen years?
What sets butterflies to flight in your stomach when your eyes make contact?
What keeps your bodies magnetized so that the pull towards each other never weakens?
The obvious answer is mutual attraction, but what is that exactly? How do we stay mutually attracted? What’s the answer to “How to keep a marriage magnetized?”
People are not permanent magnets. We do not just naturally hold onto our charge in a relationship. We must keep electricity running through us so we can keep our magnetism pulling us together.
An electromagnet is made from a coil of wire that acts as a magnet when an electric current passes through it but stops being a magnet when the current stops.
At first it seems like our relationship is more like permanent magnets than electromagnets. We are pulled together without even trying. The attraction just seems to happen and we accept it as fact, but there is a vital element available in a new attraction that wears off over time without an intentional electric current shooting through your coils.
If you want your coils to stay attracted to his or her coils for years to come, the essential electric thought you must keep flowing through your mind so that your bodies will attract is this:
I’M SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU & YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE ME.
The more time you spend counting the ways your spouse is awesome and how lucky you are to have them, the more humbly grateful you will feel for your relationship. Equally important is the time you spend realizing how awesome you are and how lucky they are to have you, because this gives you confidence.
HUMILITY + CONFIDENCE = CHEMISTRY
We are attracted to people that we admire, who surprise us, but we also need confidence to receive that awesome person’s love in return.
There is nothing like thinking your spouse is spectacular and YOU get to be married to them… and then having them think that about you.
Believing yourselves to be lucky to have each other builds in just enough “seize the moment” motivation to keep the attraction alive. Luck brings gratitude in it’s back pocket.
This keeps that little flicker of tension and wonder between you.
Do not let jealousy, or the attentions of someone else, be the electricity that remagnetizes you. It’s easy to let passion fade and take our partners for granted… until someone else notices how great they are and we are suddenly lit up with jealousy.
*****
Imagine that your spouse is your high school crush… the overwhelming joy that came when their arm touched your arm, when they asked what the homework was in Trig and you couldn’t believe your luck, when they smiled at you across a room and you’d never felt more alive…
Sown into those moments was gratitude and massive admiration of that Crush… plus a focus on every single minute detail of your interactions. You wanted more.
Why do we take for granted that the person we crushed on at some point in our lives, now wakes up beside us?
*****
See that person you married, sitting at their computer scrolling through Facebook? Imagine that you’ve had a crush on them for months and suddenly they are in your house… but this time, you are not some shy, scared high schooler… sure, you are scared because we are always a little frightened to go after what we really want… but now, you know you are crush-worthy too and kissing you is hot. After you read this sentence, you walk over and put your hand on their neck like you can’t believe you GET to. You look them in the eyes like an 80’s hearthrob just long enough to let them know you want them… and then you lean over and kiss, full on the mouth. And this kiss is pure, unbelievable luck: two awesome people finding each other and never letting go… every single day.
This is magnetic.
Posted in Love and Making It, Uncategorized | Tagged: hope, Love, sex | 5 Comments »
With my body I thee worship
Posted by Nicole on October 7, 2014
I closed my eyes and spoke to you in 100 silent ways. – Rumi
Using sex as a way to temporarily satiate a craving is like gulping a fine wine or perfectly-aged scotch to quench your thirst, and then wondering why you are still thirsty and your throat has started burning.
When we are quiet and settled, we notice the profound stirrings simple physical touches wake in us: fingers intertwined, lips kissing the inside of a wrist, the bump of a fist, a hug.
When we move too quickly and desperately, we grab and suck whatever we can to calm our nerves and queasy stomachs.
We were made for more and we know it.
You were made to worship and be worshipped because of the infinite beauty and glory in you. The fast, shallow or chaotic moments most of us experience are not the way we were designed to know each other.
The original Old English marriage vows in the Common Book of Prayer…
“With this ring, I thee wed, with my body, I thee worship…”
Old English Definition of Worship: Giving honor and admiration; acknowledging worth… worth-ship.
This is not sacrilege, this is sacred. Sex is sacred – spending time on the utter appreciation of one child of God
*****
In making love to your spouse, are you communicating their worth, to you and to God? Are you taking in each inch of them the way you would your absolute favorite “thing” in the world? After sex with you, does your spouse feel more connected to God and more themselves in their perfectly created “naked” and “shameless” form?
*****
I love Degas paintings. I could pour over one; seeing the brush strokes and colors… think about what it must have been like in the room as each swash of pain hit the canvas and the images emerged.
I love great music. I could listen to a song over and over, hearing different notes and inflections of sound.
I love swimming and watching great swimmers compete. I watch the water move over their strong shoulders and the small but powerful waves forming behind each kick.
I love my husband. I could pour over every inch of him.
I love my husband. I could listen to him talk or whisper or laugh over and over again.
I love my husband. I watch him move and savor the waves his actions send around me.
When you come together with your spouse, do you use your body to its fullest capacity to speak worth and love to them? What could you start doing today to express how much worth you see in them?
*****
Whether you are married or not, your body is worthy of love and detailed enjoyment. We run, work, chomp some food, clean the bathroom, lug groceries, and 1,000 other things each day … but we hardly ever stop to notice our bodies unless it is to criticize them for something. We do a terrible job of loving our bodies.
For a marriage, it is vitally important for both partners to worship themselves and each other… to see worth in the beautiful creation God made them to be. We do not worship any created thing more than God. We do not give more “worth” to any created thing than the worth due the Creator… but we know that God makes good things. You are good. Every wrinkle. Every freckle. The way you smile when surprised. The way you look when you hear your favorite song… do you not think God is giddy over every single thing you do?
When we are not married…even when we are married and our spouses just don’t SEE us, we can see ourselves. We can marvel at the wiggle of our toes or the way the lines curve around hips and thighs. We can appreciate what we have been given.
Beautiful. All Beautiful.
*****
Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: common prayer, love and making it, Rumi, sex, worship | 2 Comments »