Posted by Nicole on March 2, 2015
sometimes, I wake up already feeling behind.
when this happens, I let the wisdom in my pen speak truth.
What will you do with your one wild and precious life?
You woke up this morning already listing the ways you will fail – the tasks that will meet resistance and never reach the finish line. You lay, covered in clean sheets and painless skin, and yet you felt strangling discomfort in your soul.
Why, Darling?
Why have you forgotten your place? You are a child – a wild, lovely, free child – living in the world run by the most loving and responsible Parent in the world.
So, what will you do with your one wild and precious life?
or rather
What ARE YOU DOING with it? You can only live right now.
Landsliding to-do lists and performance reviews care for the future, but what are you doing to care for right now? Set time aside to tend the future – a set time to let your mind wander into next month and next year and even this afternoon. Carve out time-travel appointments, but do not forget to come back to this time and this place…this is where you actually live, My Love.
You are a flower, growing for such a short time. Be here. Growth and beauty and achievement will come as you soak up sun, water, and nutrients. Feel the strain and sensation of now – know that it is leading somewhere but that “somewhere” is none of your concern. Take each next step.
The act of attention is a form of prayer.
You’ll be surprised to find that as you witness the universe, the universe notices you right back. This is the glory of a loving Creator.
*****
The Summer Day
by Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
*****
Photo found at http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/photo-contest/2011/entries/101679/view/
Wild Horse found at http://www.heartofahorse.org/category/beauties/page/158/
Posted in Beauty SOS47, Healthy You, Poetry | Tagged: Mary Oliver, Poetry, wild | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on February 27, 2015
Hey Guys,
Want more great sex with your spouse? Want them to want sex more? I’m not one to be bullet-point about things, but since this is for you Guys I’m gonna try. Let’s start with the delicate subject of arousal and wanting sex …
*****
Imagine that every couple days your female best friend drives to your house to see you. You open the door and run out. Grabbing her in a fierce hug, you smile and stand together for a moment. You’ve missed her. While still hugging, you pat her down and take any money, jewelry, or Starbucks cards she has on her. You stick your hands in her pockets and pull. You slide your hands up and down her sides, noticing a phone in her jacket and a wallet as well. You slide your fingers in and take those too. Then, you hold your friend by the shoulders, say “THANKS, SEE YOU TOMORROW!” with a big ol’ grin, and go back into the house, locking the door behind you.
How many times do you think that friend would come back to see you, if all they get is their body patted for loot?
Our spouse is the person with whom we have agreed to be BEST Friends.
And frankly, sometimes, sex can feel like a fairly pleasant mugging instead of best friends playing.
*****
(I want to clarify that the typical man/woman roles in sexual interactions can easily be switched. About 1 in 8 of the people I talk to about their relationships have the roles reversed – where the woman wants sex more often than the man. Just read this from the role you know you fill.)
*****
Here’s the hard part: Some of you, men, you are using women’s bodies to get what you want… but most of you would be profoundly saddened to hear that a woman felt used after having sex with you. Most men want sex to be good for both parties.
Despite the efforts of good men, who do want to have great sex with the woman they love {GOOD = reciprocal, hot, fun, satisfying sex}, many women are in a nearly constant state of being “turned off” because of past experiences or cultural messages or things you are inadvertently communicating. Consequently, sex does not feel like two beloved friends reuniting but rather a fairly pleasant mugging.
*****
What can be done about this?
It all comes down to navigating arousal.
3 THINGS:
1. Equal Participation.
Have you ever had a friend who was an over-talker? Someone who literally sucked you dry because you couldn’t get a word in edgewise and felt like they just wanted you to listen to them talk on and on, but had NO interest in your life? Make sure your sex is NOT like that. Give and receive. Laugh. Make eye contact. Pause and Listen. Pay attention to their needs as well as your own. Make sex more like a deep conversation than a high five…more like sharing everything you have than a fairly pleasant mugging.
If you are the person who usually just listens and doesn’t share your own heart – i.e. if you are the one who just lays there while the other person is trying to connect, start asking yourself questions about why that is and take action. (START WITH MY FREE NEWSLETTER) Clearly choose IN, do not make your spouse guess if you want to do this with them.
2. Moving into mutual arousal is a delicate process.
Move with intentionality through the moments where intimacy and touch turn to arousal, because arousal can feel like a demand. No matter how flattering or meaningful, if one person feels loving but not anywhere near aroused and is then met by the demanding arousal of the other – it can feel more like pressure or obligation than like the sexy attraction we all want so badly from another person.
Arousal is a little like drinking alcohol.
No one wants to drink alone, but being the sober one sucks too.
If you are the one faster to be aroused, be clear that your arousal is not your body yelling AT your partner for immediate gratification – it is a pull towards each other – a desire for passionate connection. If the man is the faster-aroused, it will be obvious. 🙂 Try to keep a piece of friendship between you while you are aroused: say something sweet, slow down, be still between movements, make each other laugh.
There is a deeply sewn belief that “all men want is sex.” So, when a man becomes aroused, it makes the woman immediately feel less human and more “object.” This is the core of what needs to be worked through without judgment on either side = Keep your humanity while being aroused.
Arousal is GOOD. It is from God. It is a pull towards each other that keeps us connected when the busyness of life tries to pull us apart. Respect arousal as a gift from God – harness it and use it to build connection and love.
3. Make it clear that you want HER.
You want this woman – as she is today. You want to connect with her on levels only possible when your entire body and soul are involved. This will help navigate arousal. Both of you must be willing to accept the other at whatever level of arousal each of you need to start at and then move towards each other … Like a great conversation with deepening questions and confessions.
How do you do this?
If you are not easily aroused? Be patient with your body but do not let a lack of arousal keep you from starting an intimate night. Do not feel bad about your level of arousal just don’t accept it as a final answer.
If you are easily aroused? Be patient with your partner’s body. Coax them into a great time, but do not feel ashamed of your arousal…it is like fuel. Use it wisely… it is combustible and can hurt if we are not careful about how we use it.
*****
Hey Guys, instead of running to take what you can get, give everything you have to each other. Lay it all on the table, on the bed, on the floor.
I closed my eyes and spoke to you in a hundred Silent ways. – Rumi
Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: Hey Guys, love and making it, sex | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on February 20, 2015
What is a Passional?
It is a letter from me to you combining PASSION + SPIRIT.
Part devotional. Part sex-therapist session. Part drinks with a best friend.
*****
In a world full of demands and expectations around beauty and sexuality, a Passional is freedom and exploration.
When you receive your weekly Passional, you will know I have been thinking about how to bring more Bravery + Beauty + Freedom to your life in bed and out.
*****
It’s all about you and your marriage and the meaning behind all of our actions.
It’s also about creating hot make-out-sessions.
It’s also about starting glorious flames of passion in your heart.
It’s also about noticing the glory in every moment – and the glory in YOU.
*****
You are glorious. You are good. You are a miracle. Your skin. Your smile. The way your lungs fill with air to spread life throughout your body. The freckle you think is weird, that’s beautiful too.**
Your spouse is also a miracle. Can you see it?
Your Passional will remind you to notice the miracles and help you find ways around & through the obstacles in your love life.
Passionals are for anyone wanting a safe, respectful, loving, but still instructive, funny and passionate take on sex.
Here are the first 3 FREE Passional Newsletters. Read them and subscribe for more.
You can subscribe through any of the newsletters or you can subscribe:
I hope this is just the beginning of our friendship! Thanks for reading and subscribing.
**Note: If you have a weird freckle that is more than just “weird” or getting weirder, have a doctor check that out.
Henry Miller quote | Love and Making it | www.1000strands.com
Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: Henry Miller, newsletter, passionals, sex, writing | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on February 13, 2015
I write and speak on the topic of sex. I want to be careful with the trust you have given me on this subject. I will not tell you whether you should see 50 Shades of Grey since I haven’t seen the movie yet. Only you know what is beneficial for YOU … but hopefully this will help you cultivate freedom and beauty in your own life either way.
Here’s what I learned from reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books:
I had limited my own creativity. Most of the actual activities within the book were not appealing to me BUT a few were, and more importantly it got me thinking about how artistic and creative someone can be within their make-out sessions.
Texture.
Music.
Surprise.
Sensation.
Voicing what you want.
Clear boundaries and room to play within those rules.
Rather than giving thought to whether the movie should exist or if it will literally destroy a generation, give thought to your own story. You do not need to save the world. How about we first save ourselves?
Does your body need your attention? Does your spouse’s body need your attention?
Fifty Shades of Grey gives a lot of attention to bodies. This is another thing I learned: It is especially important for those of us who’ve struggled with bodies being GOOD and BEAUTIFUL and perfectly made by a GOD YOU LOVES YOUR BODY — to intentionally focus your own loving attention on your body.
Where have you been limited in your thinking about your body?
Where have you settled for “mediocre” in making love?
Is sex an obligation? Is it something you do to make babies? Is it something you do for attention?
How do you move? Could you move differently?
What is your sensory experience? Could you add anything? Smells? Tastes? Varied movements? Music?
Within the healthy boundaries of your own life, how could you play?
Life is full of art. We create a masterpiece within each day by how we live. It’s easy to think of creativity starting in our heads and moving out into the items we create: blog posts, paintings, photographs, meals … BUT do not forget that your own body needs to creatively express itself. Embodiment is healthy. Have you seen a toddler dance lately? Dear Lord, they are art in motion.
*****
If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that I believe in my bones that EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED. Rather than seeing 50 Shades of Grey, spend some time looking at art and thinking about sex. You will get the benefits without the complications of the movie.
How do the paintings and photographs communicate movement or texture?
How could your body express your feelings?
Imagine what you could do.
Why does Fifty Shades turn women on? We could debate the intricacies, but most of all, it’s because it makes women actually THINK about sex as pleasurable and creative. Thinking about new possibilities {in bed} will turn you on.
So, here’s my collection of Fifty Shades of Grey inspiration for you. ENJOY!
Paul Jenkins, Lateral Crossing (2007) | 1000strands.com | Shades of Grey
Grey Ocean | 1000strands.com | Fifty Shades of Grey | Found at http://busybeingfabulous.com/2011/04/side-by-side-the-beauty-of-blacks-and-whites/
By Mark Tobey | Found at http://wowgreat.tumblr.com/post/16574960081/mark-tobey
Caught Leaf by James R. Paige | Found at https://www.flickr.com/photos/pageworld/5120795449/
Found at http://www.designlovefest.com/2014/03/mint-mocha-shake-recipe/
Found at http://busybeingfabulous.com/2011/04/side-by-side-the-beauty-of-blacks-and-whites/
Found at http://intsight.tumblr.com/
Found at http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/brooks-shane-salzwedel
Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: art, Fifty Shades of Grey, Love, love and making it, sex | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on February 12, 2015
Lately, it has been very cool to say that your husband is not your soulmate.
And I get it. It feels good to be strong and independent and logical.
“I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings.”
These women are breaking through the myth that there is one, magical person who is your other half and who will make your life complete. This is a lie. No human is going to make your life complete. Any human you know deeply and intimately will make your life crazy, confusing, tiring, hilarious, and worthwhile… but not perfect or even complete. Life is not complete for more than fleeting moments, unless you are dead. If you feel complete for more than about 60 minutes at a time, you are probably dead and should ask someone if they can see you.
But, soulmates are real and not believing in them will rob you of the best a marriage can be. You can have a soulmate. You can marry your soulmate. It is possible.
Do you want to know how to marry your soulmate?
Mate your soul to the person you marry.
Mate your soul to the person you marry and they will be your soulmate.
MATE: Join together; connect mechanically.
Join your soul together with your spouse and your souls become “soulmates.”
The miracle of real soulmates is not that they found each other and complete each other. The miracle is not the fairytale of twinkly eyes gazing across a crowded room and falling in love. That’s the easy part. The miracle is two people with initial chemistry and attraction, each deciding to choose into being soulmates for thousands + thousands of hours. Over and over again, BOTH people choose to be grateful, interested, affectionate, focused, and forgiving. THIS is how soulmates are made and kept.
SOULMATES
Soulmates are a miracle because BOTH people are in it at the same time and with complimentary intensity. They are both grateful for each other and their relationship. They are both interested in life and in each others lives. They share. They are affectionate and love each others bodies as well as their souls. They are forgiving and able to keep the goal of connection above any disappointments or hurt.
Both people. Miracle.
You will not feel like soulmates if only one of you is doing this. It takes two to mate.
So, how do you mate your soul with your spouse’s soul?
Be Grateful, Interested, Affectionate, and Forgiving.
1. Grateful. Who knows what tomorrow holds? Choose gratitude today. You’ll know you’ve chosen to be grateful by your tone of voice and that delicate balance between enjoying what you have and knowing it could be gone at any time. If you are sassy, cold, or gruff, you are probably not grateful.
2. Interested. Be genuinely interested in your spouse’s passions and life. Share what you read. Share activities. Share stories. Listen well. Be INTO him. Be INTO her. Keep developing a taste for what the other loves. Make eye contact in the midst of sharing a moment and you will feel like soulmates.
3. Affectionate. Touch each other in tenderness and attention. Notice when her hand rests on your leg. Notice when his hand is on your back. Notice and be aware of your bodies near each other. Make a big deal of small caresses – pretend you are 12-years-old and remember how much each brush of skin MATTERED to you. Let it matter.
4. Forgive. When you are not acting like soulmates, forgive. When you are frustrated or disappointed, voice it kindly and then forgive. Voice problems in love and without blame, and then forgive. This is how you stay soulmates.
If you can BOTH be grateful, interested, affectionate, and forgiving… you will have your soulmate.
A soulmate is different than a life partner or spouse in one important way. When we totally stop believing in soulmates, we are really choosing to keep some of our separateness & independence… to keep some of your soul safe from the other person. You know someone is your soulmate because they can crush you. It matters to you if they love you. It matters when they call. It matters, not because it completes you, but because you have let yourself need someone. You are vulnerable. You’ve made space in your life for the connection. We can sit side by side and be partners, but mates are intertwined and connected.
You are allowing that person to be a part of your heart and soul. It is a huge responsibility and honor. When you get married, you are not independent. Your finances, bodies, relationships, time, everything is intertwined.
This is terrifying and many people end up mating with someone who does not hold up their end of the bargain to be Grateful, Interested, Affectionate, and Forgiving. Right now, if you are in a relationship and you are doing these things and they are not… it hurts. It hurts because your soul wants a mate and doesn’t have one right now. We all want the connection of mutually being in the moment together. It’s ok that it hurts; it means it matters. Your soul wants a mate.
Let your spouse matter to you and take the risk. Talk about this with them. Talk about how you could cultivate gratitude, interest, affection and forgiveness. And don’t forget to LOOK at each other and TOUCH each other like you LIKE touching – her soul is in that body…his soul is in that body.
You can have that soulmate experience. True love frustrates us because we will always live in the tension between our ideals and our realities, this does not mean we stop trying…this just means we learn to laugh and forgive and kiss even when it’s hard.
Stop searching for a soulmate and start acting like one.
Photography by Kelly Brown
*****
Posted in Honest Home, Love and Making It | Tagged: Love, marriage, soulmates | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on February 5, 2015
Love and Making It
is about to start a new season
At one point or another you’ve read the blog, seen me speak live, or taken an ecourse and I want to THANK YOU for that. Thank you for joining me here. Thank you for being brave enough to even start reading and thinking about how to make your life better, braver, and more beautiful … even IN bed. This is my passion = helping you find your passion.
*****
I am floored by the good work I’ve been lucky enough to see some of you do. You’ve been brave. You’ve literally changed your marriages and lives by engaging with the heart and soul of LOVE AND MAKING IT. Thank you for letting me share in a little of your awesomeness!
*****
I am reminded that we all need this place… even when we are busy, actually, because we are busy. We need reminders everyday to take good care of our love-lives, because it’s a strong current pulling us back to confusion, ambivalence, fear, dislike, and exhaustion.
There are so many forces pushing us away from healthy sex lives. Health is a constant practice, we can’t work out one day and expect to be fit forever. We can’t read one good article about sex and expect our sex lives to be healthy. This is a practice.
And so here we are, about to start a new season. This year I have more content and more bravery of my own and I am excited to share it all with you, but you know it’s more than just the content here – it’s about action and new ways of training our thinking about our bodies.
My goal this year {and I hope you’ll come with me} is to provide you with more hands-on activities, perspective-changing tools, and even more HOPE that your body can be a great place to live and play.
Your body can be a GREAT place to live and play.
Whether you are married, single, divorced… bigger than those categories… because who wants to be limited by their relational status?… There will be camaraderie and help through Love and Making It.
This blog will still continue to cover all kinds of things (but be warned, there will be regular talk of sex in what I hope is a healthy, loving, brave way)… BUT
It’s time to sign up for my LOVE AND MAKING IT – PASSIONAL newsletter (no spam. it’ll come out about once week) and get more indepth articles plus hear first about ecourses, books, videos, activities and more… sign up for the LOVE AND MAKING IT newsletter: PASSIONALS á GOGO
What is a Passional?
Part devotional. Part sex-therapist session. Part drinks with a best friend.
Who should sign up?
You. And your friends. And people who love their spouse but want more inspiration in “loving” their spouse. Women who say no to sex when they have a headache, because they don’t realize sex can cure headaches. Men who wonder why women don’t seem to love sex. People who’ve been trained how not to have sex before marriage but not how to have sex after marriage. Anyone who wants healthy, honest, fun conversations about living well in out bodies + souls. Love and Making It is for you.
You deserve bravery + beauty + freedom in bed and out!
You’ll be the first to hear about special eCourses and goodies too!
Posted in Beauty SOS47, Love and Making It, Uncategorized | Tagged: help, love and making it, marriage, newsletter, sex | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on January 13, 2015
This year, I am facing it head on. My Birthday monsters will not chase me into a dark corner to hide until this sucker is over. I will stay out in the open; sword-of-generosity in my hand and shield-of-oversharing around me.
Birthdays are hard but I sure love them. For our kids, we decorate the entire house the night before their birthday with some of their favorite toys and printed pictures of their favorite things. The year they loved Minions, there was a handmade Twinkies-in-the-shape-of-Minions cake. In order to get their presents, our kids solve puzzles and clues to complete an epic scavenger hunt that often takes them underwater and to the houses of their best friends. This year we incubated duck eggs and fostered ducklings for a month because my daughter loves ducks. All of this, to show them how loved they are and how seen and how known – that they are WORTH IT… basically to communicate all the things we hope for our children … the rich soil I deep-down believe they need in order to grow up big and strong, so they can go out as courageous adults and save the world while still feeling totally rested and loved because their childhood birthdays were so so so good.
And now it’s my birthday. And I am about to become a moving target for anyone trying to really love, know, or see me. On other days, it’s so simple. On my birthday, it’s so complicated. My expectations are erratic because I either change my mind about the actual thing or (really) change my mind about whether it’s ok to want the actual thing. I want to see every person I love and I also need to be alone. It is impossible to fit everything I’ve wanted to experience into one day so it’s tempting to do nothing at all. When asked directly what I do want to do for my birthday, my brain goes immediately blank. It’s nearly impossible for someone else to make me happy on my birthday. Basically my heart hides behind a black-hole-of-need that eats every nice thing.***
But I have found that focusing on a few simple, active things makes my birthday way better. I’ve been trying this for a few years in different combinations and I think I’ve figured out a pretty good plan.
3 things to do to Celebrate My Birthday Well:
1. Write out everything I want for my birthday. Write it all out. Who do I want to see? What do I want to do? What presents do I wish I could have? What do I wish my life was like right now? This is not going to be an essay to impress the humbleness judges. This is flat-out confession. What do I want? I think we struggle some days because we are afraid to call out what we really desire. It doesn’t mean I will get a single thing, but that’s actually the point. It’s in the acknowledgement of my own needs that the toddler in me can relax and actually feel seen. Part of why I do not feel seen, despite other people’s efforts, is that I refuse to really see myself. My desires and longings are a part of my core self. The more I deny them, the louder and weirder they get in their expression. If I am willing to mirror them back with passion and compassion, I will relax. We need to diffuse the situation and mirroring works – with actual kids and with the kids inside ourselves.
Try this with your kids or yourself and it will help: Next time your 2-year-old is throwing a fit because you said NO to them about something like having a cookie, try mirroring back, with lots of passion: ex. “Cookie! Cookie! You want a cookie!” And see what happens. They will often nod and pause the fit they are throwing. Follow it up with a big wish like, “I wish we could have a castle made of cookies and eat them all.” Your toddler will relax and feel seen and your inner toddler will too. (If you have kids and have not read Happiest Toddler on the Block, I really recommend it. It helps me parent my kids and myself!)
2. Give myself a present. After I write out all the things that I wish for my birthday, I will take the time to pinpoint something that feels really tender and vulnerable and important on that list. That thing, I will get/do for myself. Maybe it will be a visit to the beach to watch the sunset. Maybe it will be a pair of yoga pants. Maybe it will be 30 minutes of reading on the couch. I’ll pick one thing I can actually do for myself and stop waiting for someone else to do it – not out of reactive anger, but in preemptive love and gratitude for my own life.
3. Give Reverse Birthday Cards and Gifts. As I write out my birthday list of wishes, I will also write out a list of the people who have made my life better. My mom. My sister. My husband. My kids. A few friends. I will write out the names of the precious people I would grieve if they were not in my life … and I will TELL them that they matter to me. I will tell them how much I appreciate them and how glad I am that they are alive. I will give them a Reverse Birthday Card or present.
Those are my first three steps. What do you do to celebrate your birthday? You probably do something really selfless like accept NO presents and just have everyone you know give to EXODUS ROAD or CHARITY WATER because they do good work. I could do that too. 🙂
-Nicole
***This does not mean you should not try to make my birthday special. That would be a ridiculous conclusion. I’ve pretty much fixed all my problems and anything you do for me will be met with real gratitude. There will be explosions of joy.
Posted in Healthy You, How Can I Help, Uncategorized | Tagged: birthday, gift, girl, party | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on January 10, 2015
There’s one surefire, tested and proven way to make your own birthday better.
Is your birthday ever hard for you? Do you find yourself moody, disappointed, excited, happy, tired, sad, or a nap magnet as your birthday gets closer?
Doesn’t it feel like birthdays not only make you brutally aware of your actual age, but ALSO bring up issues from previous ages? Did you feel lonely on your 8th birthday? Surprise! The 8-year-old-you is coming to visit on your 28th Birthday as you sit on the bathroom floor quietly singing, “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.”
You know how in sci-fi movies about time-travel, one character will take a piece of paper and carefully fold it in pleats in order to explain to the newbie character, “See? THAT’S how it works. This point touches this point and you can just directly GO TO THERE.” Well, birthdays are like that: the point in those pleats that lets you travel back in emotional time.
*****
It is almost my birthday.
Every birthday I find my blood pumping and giving me energy as I simultaneously long to climb in bed and hide til it’s over… I want to work like crazy to accomplish #allthethings and I also want to climb under my cozy nap blanket and wake up in a month… NOT just because I am getting older. No. No good comes from regretting my years. I have lived all of them to the best of my ability and I cannot deny living any of them. Each year adds to the patina of Me. I am the age that I am.
No, I find my birthday difficult because my childhood ME comes to visit.
*****
I struggle with the level of influence and worth I have in the world. I do. I always will. It’s not something to solve like a puzzle anymore. It’s more like a tough yoga pose that I come back to and let work in me; causing a discomfort that opens and strengthens me if I can manage to breathe instead of shutting down.
I have always struggled with feeling like I mattered.
I remember sitting on the floor of my living room as a kid, on the orange carpet we pretended was lava. I would look around at my family – each doing their own thing – and get this sucking feeling in my stomach. It was like nausea but worse.
Its source, I finally figured out, was that I believed a strong, debilitating lie:
It did not matter that I was alive. Nothing was different with me in the world.
Of course, my mom and sister would disagree with that statement, but it felt so real and the desire to matter became a life-long black hole that I wrestle with to this day.
Most days I can be content and loving, but at my birthday, that black hole SUCKS.
*****
So, I started a tradition five years ago that has completely changed how I feel at my birthday. I want to share it with you.
If you struggle at all at your birthday…
This is the #1 thing I can recommend to make your own birthday better :
Write {Reverse} Birthday Cards. On your birthday, GIVE cards to the people in your life who matter to you.
When we give, we finally gain a little distance from our own black-holes-of-need.
As I write each card, I remember how much that person matters to me and how much richer my life is because they are alive and in my life. This totally takes the focus off of me {my fears, expectations, disappointments} so I can relax and enjoy the life I have.
Actively loving other people, fills my own black hole of need!
Try it at your birthday or any time you feel that black-hole-of-need start opening in you. Giving to other people will be the best present you ever give to yourself.
Happy Birthday!
Posted in Healthy You, How Can I Help, Wonderful Wrestlings | Tagged: birthday, depression, generosity, help, presents | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on October 13, 2014
Great sex – great physical love – makes us feel alive. It is our soul’s current dwelling in a body that, in fact, makes us ALIVE. Really see your Beloved tonight. See them and remember how precious these days are together. Breathing. Touching. Moving.
Don’t waste it. See your Beloved with fresh eyes of hungry, vibrant gratitude.
-N
Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: poem, sex, Tyler Knott | 1 Comment »
Posted by Nicole on October 12, 2014
I was asleep but my heart was awake.
A voice! My beloved was knocking:
‘Open to me, my love, my darling,
My dove, my perfect one!
For my head is drenched with dew,
My locks with the damp of the night.’
“I have taken off my dress,
How can I put it on again?
I have washed my feet,
How can I dirty them again?
“My beloved extended his hand through the opening,
And my feelings were aroused for him.
“I arose to open to my beloved;
And my hands dripped with myrrh,
And my fingers with liquid myrrh,
On the handles of the bolt.
“I opened to my beloved,
But my beloved had turned away and had gone!
-Song of Songs, Chapter 5 verses 2-6
*****
I was sleepwalking through my days and nights, but somewhere buried inside … my heart was awake. I wanted to feel alive, but mostly I just felt tired. My heart was beating inside my chest, but my limbs and eyes could barely feel it. Life is just draining, isn’t it?
I got all ready for bed. The kids’ teeth were brushed, pajamas on, homework checked, clothes set out for tomorrow, lunches planned, and after 3 trips back into their room with forgotten stuffed animals, glasses of water, and extra hugs, I finally started winding my own self down for the night. I took a quick shower and put on my toner, serum, eye-cream and nighttime moisturizer. I plucked a few stray hairs from some, places…There’s coconut oil on my feet inside cotton socks. My hair is braided in the hopes that the Pin I saw about beachy waves is true. Finally, I lay down with a book to relax – just for a few minutes before my eyes cross and I do that thing where I read the same paragraph 3 times without knowing what I read.
Then, my husband comes in with that look in his eye.
He bumps me, unnecessarily, and asks,
“How Are you?”
He, too, wants to relax. His version of relaxing is sometimes different than mine.
I hesitate. How am I?
Me: “I’m fine. How are you?”
Him: “Good. I’m good”
{He stays very still, keeping eye contact}
Him: …. “Are you tired?”
{I reply, honestly, but also knowing what he’s getting at and not sure I’m up to it}
Me: “Well, yes.”
Him: “oh, ok.”
{He leaves the room, slowly}
I sit, thinking. I love him. I wish I felt more awake… more alive. I wish I felt passion or desire or any kind of freakin energy so I could go and love him… actively. Instead I sit and feel the push and pull of wanting and not wanting to have sex tonight. I know it’s a good idea. I know he loves me and wants me to open up to him. I’m just so… tired. And ready for bed. I am ready for bed. Do I really need to get all messed up and start over. That’s a lot of special nighttime product I already put on.
Finally, I decide to go out and see him. I stand next to him as he sits on the computer. I lean against him, my stomach and chest pressing into him. He doesn’t look up.
We share a few words but they don’t connect. We lost each other, for tonight.
*****
So many men and women will live this story tonight? Will I choose it again? Or will tonight be the night that when he knocks, I open the door? Will tonight be the night that I am already covered in “myrrh” and ready to be open to him in body and spirit – when he first reaches for me rather than as a afterthought when the rejection has already taken hold of his heart and he is gone?
What will you do?
Posted in Love and Making It, Uncategorized | Tagged: missed opportunities, sex, Sex. Love, song of solomon | 6 Comments »
