Archive for February, 2015
Posted by Nicole on February 27, 2015
Hey Guys,
Want more great sex with your spouse? Want them to want sex more? I’m not one to be bullet-point about things, but since this is for you Guys I’m gonna try. Let’s start with the delicate subject of arousal and wanting sex …
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Imagine that every couple days your female best friend drives to your house to see you. You open the door and run out. Grabbing her in a fierce hug, you smile and stand together for a moment. You’ve missed her. While still hugging, you pat her down and take any money, jewelry, or Starbucks cards she has on her. You stick your hands in her pockets and pull. You slide your hands up and down her sides, noticing a phone in her jacket and a wallet as well. You slide your fingers in and take those too. Then, you hold your friend by the shoulders, say “THANKS, SEE YOU TOMORROW!” with a big ol’ grin, and go back into the house, locking the door behind you.
How many times do you think that friend would come back to see you, if all they get is their body patted for loot?
Our spouse is the person with whom we have agreed to be BEST Friends.
And frankly, sometimes, sex can feel like a fairly pleasant mugging instead of best friends playing.
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(I want to clarify that the typical man/woman roles in sexual interactions can easily be switched. About 1 in 8 of the people I talk to about their relationships have the roles reversed – where the woman wants sex more often than the man. Just read this from the role you know you fill.)
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Here’s the hard part: Some of you, men, you are using women’s bodies to get what you want… but most of you would be profoundly saddened to hear that a woman felt used after having sex with you. Most men want sex to be good for both parties.
Despite the efforts of good men, who do want to have great sex with the woman they love {GOOD = reciprocal, hot, fun, satisfying sex}, many women are in a nearly constant state of being “turned off” because of past experiences or cultural messages or things you are inadvertently communicating. Consequently, sex does not feel like two beloved friends reuniting but rather a fairly pleasant mugging.
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What can be done about this?
It all comes down to navigating arousal.
3 THINGS:
1. Equal Participation.
Have you ever had a friend who was an over-talker? Someone who literally sucked you dry because you couldn’t get a word in edgewise and felt like they just wanted you to listen to them talk on and on, but had NO interest in your life? Make sure your sex is NOT like that. Give and receive. Laugh. Make eye contact. Pause and Listen. Pay attention to their needs as well as your own. Make sex more like a deep conversation than a high five…more like sharing everything you have than a fairly pleasant mugging.
If you are the person who usually just listens and doesn’t share your own heart – i.e. if you are the one who just lays there while the other person is trying to connect, start asking yourself questions about why that is and take action. (START WITH MY FREE NEWSLETTER) Clearly choose IN, do not make your spouse guess if you want to do this with them.
2. Moving into mutual arousal is a delicate process.
Move with intentionality through the moments where intimacy and touch turn to arousal, because arousal can feel like a demand. No matter how flattering or meaningful, if one person feels loving but not anywhere near aroused and is then met by the demanding arousal of the other – it can feel more like pressure or obligation than like the sexy attraction we all want so badly from another person.
Arousal is a little like drinking alcohol.
No one wants to drink alone, but being the sober one sucks too.
If you are the one faster to be aroused, be clear that your arousal is not your body yelling AT your partner for immediate gratification – it is a pull towards each other – a desire for passionate connection. If the man is the faster-aroused, it will be obvious. 🙂 Try to keep a piece of friendship between you while you are aroused: say something sweet, slow down, be still between movements, make each other laugh.
There is a deeply sewn belief that “all men want is sex.” So, when a man becomes aroused, it makes the woman immediately feel less human and more “object.” This is the core of what needs to be worked through without judgment on either side = Keep your humanity while being aroused.
Arousal is GOOD. It is from God. It is a pull towards each other that keeps us connected when the busyness of life tries to pull us apart. Respect arousal as a gift from God – harness it and use it to build connection and love.
3. Make it clear that you want HER.
You want this woman – as she is today. You want to connect with her on levels only possible when your entire body and soul are involved. This will help navigate arousal. Both of you must be willing to accept the other at whatever level of arousal each of you need to start at and then move towards each other … Like a great conversation with deepening questions and confessions.
How do you do this?
If you are not easily aroused? Be patient with your body but do not let a lack of arousal keep you from starting an intimate night. Do not feel bad about your level of arousal just don’t accept it as a final answer.
If you are easily aroused? Be patient with your partner’s body. Coax them into a great time, but do not feel ashamed of your arousal…it is like fuel. Use it wisely… it is combustible and can hurt if we are not careful about how we use it.
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Hey Guys, instead of running to take what you can get, give everything you have to each other. Lay it all on the table, on the bed, on the floor.
I closed my eyes and spoke to you in a hundred Silent ways. – Rumi
Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: Hey Guys, love and making it, sex | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on February 20, 2015
What is a Passional?
It is a letter from me to you combining PASSION + SPIRIT.
Part devotional. Part sex-therapist session. Part drinks with a best friend.
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In a world full of demands and expectations around beauty and sexuality, a Passional is freedom and exploration.
When you receive your weekly Passional, you will know I have been thinking about how to bring more Bravery + Beauty + Freedom to your life in bed and out.
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It’s all about you and your marriage and the meaning behind all of our actions.
It’s also about creating hot make-out-sessions.
It’s also about starting glorious flames of passion in your heart.
It’s also about noticing the glory in every moment – and the glory in YOU.
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You are glorious. You are good. You are a miracle. Your skin. Your smile. The way your lungs fill with air to spread life throughout your body. The freckle you think is weird, that’s beautiful too.**
Your spouse is also a miracle. Can you see it?
Your Passional will remind you to notice the miracles and help you find ways around & through the obstacles in your love life.
Passionals are for anyone wanting a safe, respectful, loving, but still instructive, funny and passionate take on sex.
Here are the first 3 FREE Passional Newsletters. Read them and subscribe for more.
You can subscribe through any of the newsletters or you can subscribe:
I hope this is just the beginning of our friendship! Thanks for reading and subscribing.
**Note: If you have a weird freckle that is more than just “weird” or getting weirder, have a doctor check that out.
Henry Miller quote | Love and Making it | www.1000strands.com
Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: Henry Miller, newsletter, passionals, sex, writing | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on February 13, 2015
I write and speak on the topic of sex. I want to be careful with the trust you have given me on this subject. I will not tell you whether you should see 50 Shades of Grey since I haven’t seen the movie yet. Only you know what is beneficial for YOU … but hopefully this will help you cultivate freedom and beauty in your own life either way.
Here’s what I learned from reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books:
I had limited my own creativity. Most of the actual activities within the book were not appealing to me BUT a few were, and more importantly it got me thinking about how artistic and creative someone can be within their make-out sessions.
Texture.
Music.
Surprise.
Sensation.
Voicing what you want.
Clear boundaries and room to play within those rules.
Rather than giving thought to whether the movie should exist or if it will literally destroy a generation, give thought to your own story. You do not need to save the world. How about we first save ourselves?
Does your body need your attention? Does your spouse’s body need your attention?
Fifty Shades of Grey gives a lot of attention to bodies. This is another thing I learned: It is especially important for those of us who’ve struggled with bodies being GOOD and BEAUTIFUL and perfectly made by a GOD YOU LOVES YOUR BODY — to intentionally focus your own loving attention on your body.
Where have you been limited in your thinking about your body?
Where have you settled for “mediocre” in making love?
Is sex an obligation? Is it something you do to make babies? Is it something you do for attention?
How do you move? Could you move differently?
What is your sensory experience? Could you add anything? Smells? Tastes? Varied movements? Music?
Within the healthy boundaries of your own life, how could you play?
Life is full of art. We create a masterpiece within each day by how we live. It’s easy to think of creativity starting in our heads and moving out into the items we create: blog posts, paintings, photographs, meals … BUT do not forget that your own body needs to creatively express itself. Embodiment is healthy. Have you seen a toddler dance lately? Dear Lord, they are art in motion.
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If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that I believe in my bones that EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED. Rather than seeing 50 Shades of Grey, spend some time looking at art and thinking about sex. You will get the benefits without the complications of the movie.
How do the paintings and photographs communicate movement or texture?
How could your body express your feelings?
Imagine what you could do.
Why does Fifty Shades turn women on? We could debate the intricacies, but most of all, it’s because it makes women actually THINK about sex as pleasurable and creative. Thinking about new possibilities {in bed} will turn you on.
So, here’s my collection of Fifty Shades of Grey inspiration for you. ENJOY!
Paul Jenkins, Lateral Crossing (2007) | 1000strands.com | Shades of Grey
Grey Ocean | 1000strands.com | Fifty Shades of Grey | Found at http://busybeingfabulous.com/2011/04/side-by-side-the-beauty-of-blacks-and-whites/
By Mark Tobey | Found at http://wowgreat.tumblr.com/post/16574960081/mark-tobey
Caught Leaf by James R. Paige | Found at https://www.flickr.com/photos/pageworld/5120795449/
Found at http://www.designlovefest.com/2014/03/mint-mocha-shake-recipe/
Found at http://busybeingfabulous.com/2011/04/side-by-side-the-beauty-of-blacks-and-whites/
Found at http://intsight.tumblr.com/
Found at http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/brooks-shane-salzwedel
Posted in Love and Making It | Tagged: art, Fifty Shades of Grey, Love, love and making it, sex | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on February 12, 2015
Lately, it has been very cool to say that your husband is not your soulmate.
And I get it. It feels good to be strong and independent and logical.
“I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings.”
These women are breaking through the myth that there is one, magical person who is your other half and who will make your life complete. This is a lie. No human is going to make your life complete. Any human you know deeply and intimately will make your life crazy, confusing, tiring, hilarious, and worthwhile… but not perfect or even complete. Life is not complete for more than fleeting moments, unless you are dead. If you feel complete for more than about 60 minutes at a time, you are probably dead and should ask someone if they can see you.
But, soulmates are real and not believing in them will rob you of the best a marriage can be. You can have a soulmate. You can marry your soulmate. It is possible.
Do you want to know how to marry your soulmate?
Mate your soul to the person you marry.
Mate your soul to the person you marry and they will be your soulmate.
MATE: Join together; connect mechanically.
Join your soul together with your spouse and your souls become “soulmates.”
The miracle of real soulmates is not that they found each other and complete each other. The miracle is not the fairytale of twinkly eyes gazing across a crowded room and falling in love. That’s the easy part. The miracle is two people with initial chemistry and attraction, each deciding to choose into being soulmates for thousands + thousands of hours. Over and over again, BOTH people choose to be grateful, interested, affectionate, focused, and forgiving. THIS is how soulmates are made and kept.
SOULMATES
Soulmates are a miracle because BOTH people are in it at the same time and with complimentary intensity. They are both grateful for each other and their relationship. They are both interested in life and in each others lives. They share. They are affectionate and love each others bodies as well as their souls. They are forgiving and able to keep the goal of connection above any disappointments or hurt.
Both people. Miracle.
You will not feel like soulmates if only one of you is doing this. It takes two to mate.
So, how do you mate your soul with your spouse’s soul?
Be Grateful, Interested, Affectionate, and Forgiving.
1. Grateful. Who knows what tomorrow holds? Choose gratitude today. You’ll know you’ve chosen to be grateful by your tone of voice and that delicate balance between enjoying what you have and knowing it could be gone at any time. If you are sassy, cold, or gruff, you are probably not grateful.
2. Interested. Be genuinely interested in your spouse’s passions and life. Share what you read. Share activities. Share stories. Listen well. Be INTO him. Be INTO her. Keep developing a taste for what the other loves. Make eye contact in the midst of sharing a moment and you will feel like soulmates.
3. Affectionate. Touch each other in tenderness and attention. Notice when her hand rests on your leg. Notice when his hand is on your back. Notice and be aware of your bodies near each other. Make a big deal of small caresses – pretend you are 12-years-old and remember how much each brush of skin MATTERED to you. Let it matter.
4. Forgive. When you are not acting like soulmates, forgive. When you are frustrated or disappointed, voice it kindly and then forgive. Voice problems in love and without blame, and then forgive. This is how you stay soulmates.
If you can BOTH be grateful, interested, affectionate, and forgiving… you will have your soulmate.
A soulmate is different than a life partner or spouse in one important way. When we totally stop believing in soulmates, we are really choosing to keep some of our separateness & independence… to keep some of your soul safe from the other person. You know someone is your soulmate because they can crush you. It matters to you if they love you. It matters when they call. It matters, not because it completes you, but because you have let yourself need someone. You are vulnerable. You’ve made space in your life for the connection. We can sit side by side and be partners, but mates are intertwined and connected.
You are allowing that person to be a part of your heart and soul. It is a huge responsibility and honor. When you get married, you are not independent. Your finances, bodies, relationships, time, everything is intertwined.
This is terrifying and many people end up mating with someone who does not hold up their end of the bargain to be Grateful, Interested, Affectionate, and Forgiving. Right now, if you are in a relationship and you are doing these things and they are not… it hurts. It hurts because your soul wants a mate and doesn’t have one right now. We all want the connection of mutually being in the moment together. It’s ok that it hurts; it means it matters. Your soul wants a mate.
Let your spouse matter to you and take the risk. Talk about this with them. Talk about how you could cultivate gratitude, interest, affection and forgiveness. And don’t forget to LOOK at each other and TOUCH each other like you LIKE touching – her soul is in that body…his soul is in that body.
You can have that soulmate experience. True love frustrates us because we will always live in the tension between our ideals and our realities, this does not mean we stop trying…this just means we learn to laugh and forgive and kiss even when it’s hard.
Stop searching for a soulmate and start acting like one.
Photography by Kelly Brown
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Posted in Honest Home, Love and Making It | Tagged: Love, marriage, soulmates | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Nicole on February 5, 2015
Love and Making It
is about to start a new season
At one point or another you’ve read the blog, seen me speak live, or taken an ecourse and I want to THANK YOU for that. Thank you for joining me here. Thank you for being brave enough to even start reading and thinking about how to make your life better, braver, and more beautiful … even IN bed. This is my passion = helping you find your passion.
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I am floored by the good work I’ve been lucky enough to see some of you do. You’ve been brave. You’ve literally changed your marriages and lives by engaging with the heart and soul of LOVE AND MAKING IT. Thank you for letting me share in a little of your awesomeness!
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I am reminded that we all need this place… even when we are busy, actually, because we are busy. We need reminders everyday to take good care of our love-lives, because it’s a strong current pulling us back to confusion, ambivalence, fear, dislike, and exhaustion.
There are so many forces pushing us away from healthy sex lives. Health is a constant practice, we can’t work out one day and expect to be fit forever. We can’t read one good article about sex and expect our sex lives to be healthy. This is a practice.
And so here we are, about to start a new season. This year I have more content and more bravery of my own and I am excited to share it all with you, but you know it’s more than just the content here – it’s about action and new ways of training our thinking about our bodies.
My goal this year {and I hope you’ll come with me} is to provide you with more hands-on activities, perspective-changing tools, and even more HOPE that your body can be a great place to live and play.
Your body can be a GREAT place to live and play.
Whether you are married, single, divorced… bigger than those categories… because who wants to be limited by their relational status?… There will be camaraderie and help through Love and Making It.
This blog will still continue to cover all kinds of things (but be warned, there will be regular talk of sex in what I hope is a healthy, loving, brave way)… BUT
It’s time to sign up for my LOVE AND MAKING IT – PASSIONAL newsletter (no spam. it’ll come out about once week) and get more indepth articles plus hear first about ecourses, books, videos, activities and more… sign up for the LOVE AND MAKING IT newsletter: PASSIONALS á GOGO
What is a Passional?
Part devotional. Part sex-therapist session. Part drinks with a best friend.
Who should sign up?
You. And your friends. And people who love their spouse but want more inspiration in “loving” their spouse. Women who say no to sex when they have a headache, because they don’t realize sex can cure headaches. Men who wonder why women don’t seem to love sex. People who’ve been trained how not to have sex before marriage but not how to have sex after marriage. Anyone who wants healthy, honest, fun conversations about living well in out bodies + souls. Love and Making It is for you.
You deserve bravery + beauty + freedom in bed and out!
You’ll be the first to hear about special eCourses and goodies too!
Posted in Beauty SOS47, Love and Making It, Uncategorized | Tagged: help, love and making it, marriage, newsletter, sex | Leave a Comment »
