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Archive for February, 2013

I was out deep and a big set of waves rolled in

Posted by Nicole on February 22, 2013

Faith. Joy. Optimism. Jesus being real and Him caring about me.

These are the things I have built a life on.

I built a life.

And I find myself in a season of fog, big waves, cold wind.

Where did that life go? Have you seen it?

Waiting for the water to bring back the Faith and Life.

Waiting for the water to bring back the Faith and Life.

I am a California girl. For most of my life, I have lived within three miles of the ocean. Had a hard day? Drive to the beach. Feel like life is too much? Drive to the beach. Bills, yells, disappointments, disapprovals pulling you down? Drive to the beach. … Park. Take off shoes. Feel sand rub your feet. Exfoliate the dead life away. Then touch the water and feel new living life seep in through your toes.

.RESET.

Feel better. Move on and Back to Faith + Joy + Optimism + Jesus being real

And, when I was younger, much younger… when I was still only 5′ tall but my insides were more elastic, I would swim away any tears. Underwater no one can tell if you are crying. Underwater, even if people surround you, they can barely hear you scream out your sadness. Tears can flow. Face can be red. Muscles can strain. And it all blends into a beautiful camouflage. Water pushing and moving, hugging back the way air just doesn’t care to.

Water pushing and moving, hugging back the way air just doesn’t care to.

All the sadness and frustration could leave my body and soul.  All flowed out of me and into the healing water.  I would feel empty and ready to be refilled by the Faith + Joy + Optimism + Jesus I’d come to trust would always come back. Hurray!

Recently, though… recently, I cannot find the healing water. I still live near the beach and pools in my California neighborhood. I touch the water both literally and figuratively in my prayers but nothing happens. My touchstone, my constant, my compass is no longer working. Up and down, north and south – they are meaningless.

I read other people’s beautiful blogs about how Jesus is finding them no matter how lost they feel – even in the trash. And intellectually, I trust it MUST still be real.  I’m just lost, God’s not, right? I believe Jesus believes in me even when I don’t believe in him – or however the saying goes.

In my bones, though, my bones tell the truth my intellect cannot.

In my bones, there is pain not trust.

 A burning.

Have you ever swam in the ocean? Swimming at the beach was a huge part of my childhood.  We swam in the ocean, played in the waves. In the infinite water up to my chest, swells came by and picked me up, lifting me off the cool sand under it all. One small body bouncing in anticipation, watching the swells come up from their source. The Pacific Ocean, my own beautiful mosh pit. Waves form and if you catch them just right, they lift you up – without any more than a tiptoe of energy from your own body. Lifted and weightless. Light and free.

But, the ocean is not just lightness and freedom and happy happy zen. It’s no joke. All that infinite water has a power and weight. The same power that lifts a little girl up to the sky, can suck her into a dark whirlpool. Vivid memories still sit at the front of my brain. A big set of waves could come in without warning. When you are out that far, the best thing to do when a BIG set of waves begins is to go under each one. Under the white wash. Under the sucking, thunderous breaks. But, once or twice, I didn’t get under in time.

Little head pops up to grasp a gasp of air but can’t get down deep again in time… and I’d get pulled into the swirling, spinning water.  The terror. The confusion. The fog. Especially in deep water, you cannot even find the sand.

It is a complete loss of direction – Up and down, north and south – they are meaningless.

I couldn’t find the sand or the air. I’d have taken either one. I’d pray, “Let me hit the bottom so I have some direction. Give me the sand so I can push up to the surface.”

Lungs burn hot; burning a hole in my chest so they can get to the surface, even if the rest of me never makes it.

I remember it so clearly.

 

This is how I feel now as I swim through life. The water I move and swim in everyday does not soothe me. I am not reset, home, camouflaged, soothed or free. Instead I burn.  I was out deep and a big set of waves rolled in.

I try actual, physical water on my burns but it has lost its touchstone connection to God.

I find myself giving up God for Lent without any choice in the matter. And it burns. It feels like drowning in the very place I found my life. Where I was once lifted up by a very present, big, loving  God  – without any more than a tiptoe of energy from my own soul – Now, I find pain and confusion in that same spot.

Death where there was life.

All I can do now is wait and swim. Jesus, who is real and cares about me – my intellect says, is still here. And my brain reminds my bones that this is how it works. Life to Death to Greater Life.

Resurrection.     

Life where there was death.

Everything must die so that new life can spring up. Even Faith. Maybe I can believe that even faith, like other things, must die to be reborn. My faith must doubt & die.

Faith like a mustard seed, right? Seeds die before they grow giant trees and climbing vines. Death is the beginning of a much bigger life for the seed. Maybe, just maybe, this is part of what Jesus meant…

Luke 17:6 “If you have faith like a grain of mustard seed…”

+

John 12:24–25, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.”

What if I put the two together? I have faith like a mustard seed and it’s time to let it fall into the earth and die so that it can bear much fruit.

A tiny seed falls to the ground. Once the seed coat breaks, the seed begins to grow roots. Inside the seed is new life: Roots. Height. Depth. Reach. More seeds. More Fruit.

Death is the beginning of new life for a seed. Maybe it will be for me too. Maybe in a year from now, maybe in three days, I will be reborn with a bigger and more expansive faith.

Until then (and believe me I do not take lightly saying “Until”) I will just keep swimming.

…For anyone struggling with faith today. An offering, poured out.

-Nicole

  Just Keep Swimming

 

Hey Mr Grump Gills
You know what you gotta do when life gets you down?
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming swimming swimming
What do we do we swim, swim, swim

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Water, please (a parable of sorts)

Posted by Nicole on February 19, 2013

“A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”
– The Everlasting Man, GK Chesterton

**********

I can see it, the water, just across the room… and yet, I never get all the way there. And, I’m thirsty.

“Why don’t I ever get there?”-  I wonder.  I look down just to check again, as I often do. Yep, all good.  I’m running on my treadmill and it’s working just fine.  I don’t know how you do it in your town, but around here we all run on treadmills. It’s the absolute best way to get to the water. My treadmill is smooth, adjustable, modern.  Everyone uses one – some are better than others, though.  The one I have is good for my knees, I hear. And, I’m extra fierce on mine because there’s a racing stripe down the middle. I feel faster this way.

Lately, though, I’m really, EXTRA thirsty. The water is about 400 feet from me now, I think. I can’t totally tell. It’s definitely closer than last week. Definitely. This new treadmill is working better.

And, I’m working hard at my new program. I bought a new program that helps me improve my running so I can get to the water faster. But, it’s making me thirstier – ah, Catch 22…

I must work harder and harder to improve my skills, my stride, my incline capabilities… the more I strive, the more I want the water, the more I strive!

It’s competitive up in here!  So I keep workin’ it. Studying. Reading articles and books. Trying new products to make me a better runner.  But I really wish I’d make progress more quickly.

This is torture.

Honestly, can I tell you something? I think I’m going crazy because there’s a voice in my head telling me to get off the treadmill. HA! That’d be ridiculous.

We all know that’s crazy in THIS town. EVERYONE is on a treadmill. I’d be stupid to get off.  I’ll fall behind. AND I know someone will steal my spot, too, if I even move off for a moment. I’ve been running a long time. I’m sure I’ll get there soon. I must be closer. I’ve been working really hard on my stride. …

 

…. The voice is still here, though. I’ve been more tired lately for some reason and the voice is somehow louder when I feel more tired. It keeps telling me to trust it and step onto the ground. It says that the ground is actually MORE helpful for reaching the water than my treadmill is. But, I’m not sure I can believe it.

**********

It says that the ground is actually MORE helpful for reaching the water than my treadmill is.

But, I’m not sure I can believe it.

The voice of our Creator is always here offering us MORE. Telling us the ground is solid beneath our feet.

If we are honest, we all know there’s more available than what we choose to survive on. We all know that the “getting ahead” on our treadmills is an illusion. We were made my Someone that had better plans than this.

Our creator offers us a solid ground to walk on.

There’s more available to us than we have been told by the powers that want the powers to stay the powers. 

The folks on the treadmills at the front of the room want to stay in the front, so they’d like us to all stay on our treadmills. They can continue to tweet and share and sell their tips on how to move faster on the treadmill so we can move up to the front with them.  We read and study but never quite make it. Plus, the folks that make the treadmills can keep their power and money only if we stay on and keep a runnin’.

If I just started walking on the ground – trusted its trustworthyness is actually real – I could finally rest and breathe. I could stop buying, striving, and comparing myself to the other treadmill runners.  If the ground is actually real and good for walking on…

I would be free to drink. I could finally reach the water I need to live. This would be GOOD NEWS.

**********

“A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.”
– The Everlasting Man, GK Chesterton

You are ALIVE, my friend! You are alive. You are not dead. You do not have to go with the stream unless you want to. If you want to change things up, you can.

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Stop Hitting Yourself

Posted by Nicole on February 14, 2013

Stop throwing stones, please.

Stop throwing stones, please.

Walking around the world, feeling disappointed in yourself, is never fun.  It sucks, actually. And, I fully realize that many of you are just fine with your fine selves, but I have a sneaking suspicion that many of us are not…  Still not, even after looking through 100’s of motivational pins on Pinterest.

(it’s like dieting. i am not dieting when i read about diets. … and i am not actually feeling better about myself when I read how i should feel better about myself… you don’t lose weight by reading about losing weight…)

 

It feels impossible to hit the target in life – to reach that sweet moment of pure joyful success – when all you do is practice hitting yourself.

You learn to hit the target you aim at.

**********

“What’s wrong with me?”
“I wish I was different…”
“Why did I say that?”

**********

I know it’s the same for me as it is for some of you – The voices inside my head can be loud, demeaning, demanding.  All I can see is how I don’t measure up and I wish I did.  I’m guilty under the law.  So, I throw stones

………….. at myself.

Stoning: Execute (someone) by throwing stones at them.

We stone ourselves. Without a proper trial, we sentence ourselves to a painful execution.  Each nasty thought, a stone.  Each critique without care, a stone.

I pick up each rough, dirty stone – each rough, dirty thought – aim and throw.  Pick, aim, throw. Pick, aim, throw. Pick, aim, throw.

But, in the black-comedy turns of life, we are too close to ourselves to properly execute the guilty. I chuck a stone at my own head and it bounces off – painful but not deadly. Another. Another. Bruises form. Wounds appear and build on top of each other. It’s an incredibly slow, painful death.

Hundreds of stones thrown by me at me.

You learn to hit the target you aim at.

And, I’ve discovered that I spend entirely too much time aiming at myself.

(I say this to you as I say it to myself….)

It’s time to Stop it. Drop the stones. DROP IT.

What do you actually want to be good at?  Practice that!

Every time you catch yourself picking up a stone, drop it before you even aim to throw. Don’t spend your life practicing self-stoning. Stop hitting yourself.

You learn to hit the target you aim at. So… what target DO you want to hit?

Take long enough away from chucking stones to hear yourself answer the question. Give yourself time to answer, you jerk! 🙂 What do you want to aim at?

Start small. Focus and aim at getting out of bed and smiling at yourself in the mirror.  Maybe you just need to practice setting the rocks down before you are tempted to throw them.

Focus and aim at saying kind things to yourself and others.

Focus and aim at doing one thing each day without caring what you or anyone else thinks about how you did.

Or, if you’re ready, go BIG. Focus and aim at a life-long dream.

I can promise you will get better at what you practice, so

Practice what you want to be good at.

 

Everything else… DROP IT.

 

Thank you & you’re welcome,

Nicole

 

 

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What are you hungry for?

Posted by Nicole on February 1, 2013

Hi Friends!

 

So I started asking myself, “What do I want in life?”

The answer that came back immediately …

“Coffee, please.”

“Maybe also a chocolate chip cookie and a long nap too.”

 

On one hand, that’s lovely and simple.

On the other hand…  That’s all I want out of LIFE?  Really? That’s it?! That’s just kinda sad.

That’s what I define as an attainable wish.

 

Somewhere in me is a quiet, desperate whisper for more.

 

There’s got to be more to life than the wish for a few sensory comforts, right?  Something real, big, energizing.

The little whisper for real meaning and purpose is so, so quiet most of the time and the longing for comfort and pleasure is oh, so loud: I want it!  I want it!  I want chocolate!  I want a nap!  I want quiet and time to myself!  I want pizza and diet coke and cookies and warm donuts and a margarita (together or separate – I’ll take ’em how I can get ’em)!

If I am not careful to pay attention to my true desires, i will

live from numbing agent to numbing agent trying to escape the boredom, sadness, isolation or frustration  – and when I am not doing that I am using those same things numbers to celebrate or care for myself.

I’ve been asking myself those hard questions you have to ask, if you ever want to change. What do I actually really want?

“What’s the thing behind the thing?” – Rob Bell

I want to feel good. Do you know what feels good?  To eat and drink until you are so full you just need to sleep. aaahhh!  You can then curl up and take a nap or watch a wonderfully mindless TV show and forget everything but that heavy, sweet, full feeling.

To put it simply: I want to feel full.

We all want to feel full… fulfilled.  I do not like emptiness. I do not want to have a longing in my gut that continues to get my attention and demand I do something about it.  I have mistaken that longing for a solely physical hunger for far too long. It is a spiritual, physical and psychological need and I cannot separate them. Deep down, I actually want to find fulfillment for my whole self and I am settling for just a physical sedation.

Until I stop stuffing the pipes with doughy goodness, I will never make room for the other good stuff to pour into my life. Until I change and upgrade my goals from “avoiding hunger and finding sugary carbohydrates,” I will never have enough energy or drive to pursue bigger and better things.

I MUST DEFINE NEW GOALS based on my deeper desires.

What do I do when I have a free hour?  If my goal is comfort and food (my normal), I eat some sugar and take a nap. If my goal is health, I workout and dance and eat vegetables and fruit.  My goals define how I spend my time. So, until I change my goals, I will not change my habits and actions.  And until I actually want those goals more than I want the items I am addicted to and my old ways, I will never change.  I have to let the hunger remain so I can FEEL what I am really hungry for — not just healthy food but a more purposeful life.

I was made for more!

 

Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do.”

I want to be more than sugar and sleep.  That’s what I repeatedly do.

I WANT to be vibrant, powerful, loving, healthy and really ALIVE.
If I really mean that, then it’s time to repeatedly DO vibrant, powerful, loving things.

There are deeply-set reasons I have learned to settle, though, as I am sure there are lots of reasons we ALL settle: I am overwhelmed with the demands of family, kids, work, school… “Adult Life”.  So, I dull the pain. I fill the void as quickly and easily as I can.

I give my tired soul a quick fix.

The quick fix doesn’t last, though, and I am quickly empty again. This can’t continue.

It’s time to start a life... to let the emptiness linger so I can feel what I really desire. Desire. Hunger.

What do I want out of life?  I have to shut the quick answers up so I can hear that slow, quiet whisper in my heart… what do I really want out of life? What am I here for? (Because I don’t think I am here JUST to eat cookies.)  If I can’t hear the whisper, I will never learn what my new goals need to be and I will never change my habits.

I have to end the cycle and feel the hunger.

I. Do. Not. Want. To.

But, I get the feeling I will never want to. Ever.  So I better be my own parent and just cut myself off. Give myself a time out. Go to my room. And think about why I did what I did. Why I do what I do.

On my timeout, I will wait for the whisper. I will let the waves of cravings move on past. And I will wait for the real desires to rise to the surface. They’ve been buried a long time. This may take a bit… and I pray I can hold out, because I am seriously getting my hopes up that it might actually be worth it. I think it’ll be worth it. I was made for more than I am living for.

What about you?

-Nicole

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