Hey Guys,

Want more great sex with your spouse? Want them to want sex more? I’m not one to be bullet-point about things, but since this is for you Guys I’m gonna try. Let’s start with the delicate subject of arousal and wanting sex …

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Imagine that every couple days your female best friend drives to your house to see you. You open the door and run out. Grabbing her in a fierce hug, you smile and stand together for a moment. You’ve missed her. While still hugging, you pat her down and take any money, jewelry, or Starbucks cards she has on her.  You stick your hands in her pockets and pull. You slide your hands up and down her sides, noticing a phone in her jacket and a wallet as well. You slide your fingers in and take those too. Then, you hold your friend by the shoulders, say “THANKS, SEE YOU TOMORROW!” with a big ol’ grin, and go back into the house, locking the door behind you.

How many times do you think that friend would come back to see you, if all they get is their body patted for loot?

Our spouse is the person with whom we have agreed to be BEST Friends.

And frankly, sometimes, sex can feel like a fairly pleasant mugging instead of best friends playing.

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(I want to clarify that the typical man/woman roles in sexual interactions can easily be switched. About 1 in 8 of the people I talk to about their relationships have the roles reversed – where the woman wants sex more often than the man.  Just read this from the role you know you fill.)

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Here’s the hard part: Some of you, men, you are using women’s bodies to get what you want… but most of you would be profoundly saddened to hear that a woman felt used after having sex with you.  Most men want sex to be good for both parties.

Despite the efforts of good men, who do want to have great sex with the woman they love {GOOD = reciprocal, hot, fun, satisfying sex}, many women are in a nearly constant state of being “turned off” because of past experiences or cultural messages or things you are inadvertently communicating.  Consequently, sex does not feel like two beloved friends reuniting but rather a fairly pleasant mugging.

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What can be done about this?

It all comes down to navigating arousal.

3 THINGS: 

1. Equal Participation.

Have you ever had a friend who was an over-talker?  Someone who literally sucked you dry because you couldn’t get a word in edgewise and felt like they just wanted you to listen to them talk on and on, but had NO interest in your life? Make sure your sex is NOT like that. Give and receive. Laugh. Make eye contact. Pause and Listen. Pay attention to their needs as well as your own.  Make sex more like a deep conversation than a high five…more like sharing everything you have than a fairly pleasant mugging.

If you are the person who usually just listens and doesn’t share your own heart – i.e. if you are the one who just lays there while the other person is trying to connect, start asking yourself questions about why that is and take action. (START WITH MY FREE NEWSLETTER)  Clearly choose IN, do not make your spouse guess if you want to do this with them.

2. Moving into mutual arousal is a delicate process.

Move with intentionality through the moments where intimacy and touch turn to arousal, because arousal can feel like a demand. No matter how flattering or meaningful, if one person feels loving but not anywhere near aroused and is then met by the demanding arousal of the other – it can feel more like pressure or obligation than like the sexy attraction we all want so badly from another person.

Arousal is a little like drinking alcohol.
No one wants to drink alone, but being the sober one sucks too.

If you are the one faster to be aroused, be clear that your arousal is not your body yelling AT your partner for immediate gratification – it is a pull towards each other – a desire for passionate connection. If the man is the faster-aroused, it will be obvious. 🙂  Try to keep a piece of friendship between you while you are aroused: say something sweet, slow down, be still between movements, make each other laugh.

There is a deeply sewn belief that “all men want is sex.” So, when a man becomes aroused, it makes the woman immediately feel less human and more “object.”  This is the core of what needs to be worked through without judgment on either side = Keep your humanity while being aroused.

Arousal is GOOD. It is from God. It is a pull towards each other that keeps us connected when the busyness of life tries to pull us apart. Respect arousal as a gift from God – harness it and use it to build connection and love.

3. Make it clear that you want HER.

You want this woman – as she is today. You want to connect with her on levels only possible when your entire body and soul are involved.  This will help navigate arousal. Both of you must be willing to accept the other at whatever level of arousal each of you need to start at and then move towards each other …  Like a great conversation with deepening questions and confessions.

How do you do this?

If you are not easily aroused?  Be patient with your body but do not let a lack of arousal keep you from starting an intimate night.  Do not feel bad about your level of arousal just don’t accept it as a final answer.

If you are easily aroused?  Be patient with your partner’s body. Coax them into a great time, but do not feel ashamed of your arousal…it is like fuel. Use it wisely… it is combustible and can hurt if we are not careful about how we use it.

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Hey Guys, instead of running to take what you can get, give everything you have to each other.  Lay it all on the table, on the bed, on the floor.

I closed my eyes and spoke to you in a hundred Silent ways. – Rumi