Just Do It
Posted by Nicole on October 9, 2014
If you love your husband but just can’t find the motivation or desire to have sex or initiate sex, this is the most practical help I can give:
Just Do It
I know it’s not romantic. I know it’s not ideal.
We want passion and an irresistible magnetic pull towards the love of our lives, but we do not live in Outlander or Twilight or 50 Shades. No one is writing our romance for us – in OUR lives. We have to do the work of making time to love our spouse with not just our minds but our bodies too.
Many of us spend all day basically in our heads. Our bodies serve to carry our brains around and not much else (except to eat Chipotle! Thank you, mouth!). I mean, we work hard but we do not move our bodies for pleasure or mastery of movement.
This causes a disconnect between our minds and our bodies in that we are not accustomed to a life that requires a conscious, practiced connection between body, mind, and soul. We move minimally or with rough, uninspired, exhausted actions throughout long days.
Then, we come home and our husbands (usually, but sometimes it’s the other way around) want to make sweet love… and we are so disconnected from our body that it feels foreign, awkward, and… well, like a lot of work, to get up the energy to have sex.
BUT if they hang in there with us and push through the initial rejection (miracle!) then we kiss and kissing turns to sex… and most of the time, we are really, really glad we did have that sex. We really love our spouse and making love to them is a good thing.
It’s a lot like going to the gym.
Sometimes you just have to do it. Get started. Put on your shoes.
You may not really feel like it, but you know it’s good for you and you’ll be happy you did it. So you start, and about 15 minutes in you find yourself enjoying it. You feel strong and alive. Your muscles and your mind are working in unison. Then, after you are done, you are proud and you are glowing.
It’s okay to feel the same way about sex.
Sometimes you just have to do it. Get started. Put on your shoes {but this time it’s lingerie}.
You may not really feel like it, but you know it’s good for you and you’ll be happy you did it. So you start, and about 15 minutes in you find yourself enjoying it. You feel strong and alive. Your muscles and your mind are working in unison. Then, after you are done, you are proud and you are glowing.
Just do it.
(I did not make this pic, I just like it.)
Dan said
I’m a husband and i can see the desirability of “just do it” from a husband’s viewpoint; however, I am not a proponent of it. I do wish it were that easy but the older you get and the more involved you life gets the more impractical and improbable this scenario becomes. I will say I believe it is a noble gesture for either mate to provide sexual services to their partner when the libido is absent and the ardor is waning. Your analogy or going to the gym is also spot on. We have all had times when we were urged to do something we had no desire to do but were thankful we did both during and later. No argument there.
The reason I don’t push “just do it” on my blog is that I am concerned a wife who finds in time or from the outset that she can’t “just do it” will feel she is somehow deficient, broken or emotionally lacking. She will have no frame of reference to gauge her performance from and wonder why she can’t do what everyone else is doing…as if they were. I won’t take up a lot of space here telling why I don’t favor it but will ask you to check out my series on Duty Sex on my blog to explain my attitude. I realize what you are talking about is not truly “duty” sex when the partner is willing and desiring to please, but I fear a lot of wives may find themselves regarding it as same with time. In a Christian marriage contract (covenant), it very much is the obligation of both parties to meet the others sexual needs as they become the exclusive partnered source of sex., so to some point, “just do it” is based on the marriage vows. No argument there either.
I favor scheduling sex. Not in a hard and fast (pun in there somewhere) way with a rigid time schedule. Just that we absolutely plan on having some type of sexual contact on these 1-7 days of the upcoming week. Is it spontaneous? NO. It hardly ever is, especially with busy married people. Do you still look forward to having sex that day anyway. YES. Can you still have sex some other time within that week as an alternate or in addition to? YES. Do you find yourself anticipating sexual contact with your mate as the week progresses. YES. Doe that lead to some form of planning, and creative imagery in your mind? YES. Is it possible for a wife that having a “sex” appointment might get her anticipating and thinking about sex at intervals during that day to help spark her libido and be closer “in the mood” at the appointed hour. YES. Is it possible that the anticipation of a future scheduled sexual encounter can be parlayed into extended mental and emotional foreplay for both parties? YES. With all that going for it, the scheduled sex will likely surpass the “just do it” sex in every experiential way. Not that the “jdi” sex won’t be stress relieving and satisfying, but I think more so for the man and not quite as much the woman. I think she would be better served with some advance notice. Of course, it is still up to her to invest herself into anticipating and contemplating that upcoming sexual encounter which is where it seems most women fail. Physically, they can multitask rings around a man, but to ask them to go about their daily functions AND work in at least occasional stimulating thoughts about sex…”NO WAY. I don’t have time with all the stuff that I’m responsible for. You don’t expect me to be responsible for that too like when we were first married, do you?” Well, yeah.
Let’s not get into why a wife justifiably may not be in the mood or too tired. I’ll stipulate to that with no argument, But how long do you, as a couple, tolerate that destroying your intimacy without fighting back and changing things. What matters more: your marriage or those “things?”
That’s why I like scheduling sex until you can work out a better response. You are actually doing something and not just giving the same old reason why you can do nothing. Feel free to take me to task if you feel the need. You may do it my email if you wish to not clutter your blog.
Here’s a true breezy little read titled “Just Do It” in which a wife proposed to her reporter husband that they not refuse each other and have sex every day for a whole year.
http://www.amazon.com/Just-Do-Couple-Turned-Excuses-ebook/dp/B0017SWRT6/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413001482&sr=1-2&keywords=just+do+it
I really like your blog and your writing style.
Sharon said
Very interesting reading!
I appreciate your candidness and enjoyed the reply back from Dan. Much to think about here.
Nicole said
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments, Dan. Truly. This stuff is important and it’s in the details that we each find our personal freedom.
I would not wish “duty” sex on anyone – male or female. I am advocating a new way of looking at sex, as you know, and I want to be super clear about that.
“Just do it” sex in the LOVE AND MAKING IT world is an activity that involves the souls of both partners – hands and arms and skin and lips touching in new ways. This is NOT servicing our partners but giving and receiving DEEPLY loving, relaxing, physical attention BETWEEN YOU that builds to arousal or doesn’t… but where arousal is Good and Allowed as part of our bodies as they interact.
I would advocate sharing parts of your soul through talk and similarly sharing parts of your soul through the movement of your bodies.
I can see where reading my post made it too simple because our ideas of “sex” are so ingrained – man or woman wants orgasm… so the partner makes themselves available. This is literally 1/1000000000 of what I hope sex can be like for people.
A woman who should “just do it” is a woman whose husband loves her body and wants to tell her so through touching her many, many different ways – with no hard expectations of what that looks like.
I would ask anyone who reads the first “Just do it” post above to question about what they picture sex being like. How could it be more? More meaningful? More playful? More a time of getting to know each other’s bodies than getting a reaction out of each other’s bodies? Just… more.
I think you and I have very different pictures of “Just do it” sex. 🙂 And maybe many other people do as well. So, thank you for bring those ideas up. This is why I am here and advocating for so much more. -Nicole