Posted by Nicole on December 27, 2013
Shhhh. No one tell resistance that I am at my keyboard.
Ever since people I admire started noticing my writing… Ever since people started cheering me on… Ever since I set a goal, RESISTANCE has gotten strong. Really strong.
I’m learning to be a writer so this is where my resistance meets me – here on this blog. Where does your resistance meet you? Where do you feel that invisible force push you aside, distract you, and basically keep you from doing that nagging but beautiful dream that lingers in the dusty corners of your brain?
It can feel a lot like fear, but disguised under whatever will most tempt you.
****
And RESISTANCE is endless.
When I swam on the team in high school, I would fantasize about having one of those ENDLESS POOLS – the pool with a constant current so you could basically swim in place for an hour. That sounded awesome!
That’s how it is with writing this month. But it’s not awesome. Not. Awesome.
Swimming in place feels pointless when you want to be landing on the shore of a new land.
The instant I set my mind on writing an ebook this month – my equivalent of swimming across the English Channel – the avalanche of family-needs and work-needs descended on my little life like a scene out of ALIVE. Forced to eat my words, I survived but it has not been pretty.
So, please, no one tell FEAR that I am here. These words may not be pretty, but these are inches I will crawl to gain some ground.
****
I’ve been writing and I have still made NO progress where it counts. I have not one inch to show for myself. I look up and see my friends, my mentors, zooming ahead. Once in a while they stand on a rock or grab onto a buoy and call out to me, “Come on! You can do it!”
“I’m coming! Please don’t give up on me.”
I put my head back down and write.
A few days later I look up and see I’ve moved no further.
What the &#^$?
How does anyone do this?
How do people plan 9th birthdays, class parties, Christmas eve services, and cold remedies… and still pursue their dreams?
… Actually, not just pursue their dreams but TAKE GROUND in the land of their dreams?
I realize now that my frustration comes from this stage I am in where pursuing dreams no longer cuts it. I want progress.
I am ready to take ground.
But first, I have to acknowledge that riding down stream feels really good, especially when you’ve been trying to swim against the current of resistance for a while (also what feels good is filling blog posts with random references so you feel clever while struggling).
Here’s how it works: You know there is something important you are supposed to be doing. It lingers in the back of your mind – like a blessing you know will someday be yours and like a monster you have no idea how to fight. This “something” is always with you, but it is heavy and awkward and not easily done. So, you do something else – something you do actually need to do too… something meaningful but easier. As long as it’s not THE SOMETHING, you will feel incredible release and fulfillment.
Planning your daughter’s birthday party.
Watching a movie with your husband.
Cleaning out your closet.
Designing a craft for the 3rd Grade Holiday party.
This is the goodness. This is family. This is life. – You’ll tell yourself. – And it all IS.
Of course it is. But it is also not THE SOMETHING and so it is a delicious rebellion.
****
Imagine working and straining to swim against a current; your muscles exhausted. Someone comes by with a big, bouncy raft to sit on and paddle downstream. It’s beautiful and takes just the right amount of effort to fill your day. You sleep soundly with visions of nature and goodness soothing your tired bones.
Moving with the current feels especially good when you’re tired.
Don’t be fooled.
The better it feels to avoid THE SOMETHING, the more likely it is that you should be doing it. Right now. Go do it.
That’s what I am doing… my SOMETHING.
Maybe all this swimming in place is a season of strength-training. I have been swimming and practicing and working these muscles, just not getting anywhere. Maybe December was just my Endless Pool month. Hopefully, now, I am ready to get out of the training pool and into the ocean.
****
Was 2013 the year of your Endless Pool? Do you have a goal you are ready to take ground on?
Do not give up. Resistance is endless but it is also mindless. Your hope and creativity and bravery can overcome even the strongest resistance. Together, let’s make 2014 the year we do our SOMETHING.
Do not give up.
Posted in Wonderful Wrestlings | Tagged: art, dreams, Endless Pools, fear, goal, Gunslinger, hopes, New Year, resistance, War of Art, writing | 1 Comment »
Posted by Nicole on September 11, 2013
When I was small
even smaller than this
all smiles, fine hair, and freckles.
I lived in a room with my little sis.
In that room was a window
looking out on an old maple tree bigger than God
whose leaves made me feel free enough to sing
at the top of my lungs.
But on the opposite side of my room hung a door
a wooden shutter, slatted and white
and that door haunted us every single night.
You remember those cracked closet doors,
that fear of childhood, right?
Well, mine was more evil than most
a shutter-door with one missing shingle
a pitch black rectangle of terror
waiting to host the glowing eyes of some child-eating monster
with a taste for freckles.
And with these thoughts, came FEAR.
Fear that freezes your bones
that makes your body turn to stone
on the inside but never enough on the outside.
Fear that takes today as ransom
for a kidnapped tomorrow that will never come home.
So after months of sleepless nights
I could not hide any longer.
I did the most courageous thing of my little life
I moved in with my monsters.
In a flurry of determination
I grabbed my pillows and blankets and books
a flashlight and my sister
and we moved into that dark closet.
Slept there every single night
and not ONE monster was ever brave enough to show His face.
This is when I learned:
Fear is a lion
that only backs down
when we stop acting like prey
and stand our ground.
But we do grow up
and the monsters
get darker and smarter
and the next thing we know
we are running much harder.
No longer daring to face down our fears but away
from the beasts who will swallow us whole
who make closets that scare our very souls.
Monsters: like betrayal, hair loss, loneliness, and grief
failure, sprained ankles, botched interviews, and spinach in our teeth
at just the worst times.
I am afraid of things changing.
I’m afraid they’ll stay the same.
of saying something stupid
of being the one to blame
of the pain that will come when I grow old
and the pain that will come if I don’t.
And so they chase and I run.
I survive but I have not won
the kind of life I’d hoped I’d earned
when I first faced my monsters.
And then I hear it
the sound of safety in my ears:
Fear is a lion
that only backs down
when we stop acting like prey
and stand our ground.
I hear a voice not my own say,
“You are not alone, child.
You never were.
Be still. Take heart.
Plant your feet on the ground.
At the sound of my voice know that you are free.
I am bigger than any tree.
Stand with me.”
And together we turn and face those beasts,
say, “Hello there monsters…
Either be my friend or eat me or get out of my way.
I have sunsets to see and a man to kiss
and I was made for so much more than this.
I’m taking back my tomorrows.
You don’t get my todays.
This is my one and only life.
I will not be anyone’s prey.
So, instead, I will stand my ground and say,
Hello there monsters. Let’s play.”
Watch a live performance:
[youtube id=”QxRi4PSHREI” width=”600″ height=”350″]
(God also wanted me to feel good about myself, this is an awesome frozen frame of me talking)
Tell fearful souls, “Courage! Take heart! God is here, right here, on his way to put things right And redress all wrongs. He’s on his way! He’ll save you!” Isaiah 35:4-10
Posted in How Can I Help, Poetry | Tagged: bravery, childhood, closet door, courage, dreams, fear, hopes, monsters, monsters inc, play, poem, Poetry, scared, shame, wishes | 1 Comment »