Posts Tagged ‘fear’

****

And RESISTANCE is endless.

When I swam on the team in high school, I would fantasize about having one of those ENDLESS POOLS – the pool with a constant current so you could basically swim in place for an hour. That sounded awesome!

That’s how it is with writing this month. But it’s not awesome. Not. Awesome.

Swimming in place feels pointless when you want to be landing on the shore of a new land.

The instant I set my mind on writing an ebook this month – my equivalent of swimming across the English Channel – the avalanche of family-needs and work-needs descended on my little life like a scene out of ALIVE. Forced to eat my words, I survived but it has not been pretty.

So, please, no one tell FEAR that I am here. These words may not be pretty, but these are inches I will crawl to gain some ground.

****

I’ve been writing and I have still made NO progress where it counts. I have not one inch to show for myself. I look up and see my friends, my mentors, zooming ahead. Once in a while they stand on a rock or grab onto a buoy and call out to me, “Come on! You can do it!”

“I’m coming! Please don’t give up on me.”

I put my head back down and write.

A few days later I look up and see I’ve moved no further.

What the &#^$?

How does anyone do this?

How do people plan 9th birthdays, class parties, Christmas eve services, and cold remedies… and still pursue their dreams?

… Actually, not just pursue their dreams but TAKE GROUND in the land of their dreams?

I realize now that my frustration comes from this stage I am in where pursuing dreams no longer cuts it. I want progress.

I am done pursuing dreams like the Gunslinger pursuing the Man in Black.

I am ready to take ground.

But first, I have to acknowledge that riding down stream feels really good, especially when you’ve been trying to swim against the current of resistance for a while (also what feels good is filling blog posts with random references so you feel clever while struggling).

Here’s how it works: You know there is something important you are supposed to be doing. It lingers in the back of your mind – like a blessing you know will someday be yours and like a monster you have no idea how to fight. This “something” is always with you, but it is heavy and awkward and not easily done. So, you do something else – something you do actually need to do too… something meaningful but easier. As long as it’s not THE SOMETHING, you will feel incredible release and fulfillment.

Planning your daughter’s birthday party.
Watching a movie with your husband.
Cleaning out your closet.
Designing a craft for the 3rd Grade Holiday party.

This is the goodness. This is family. This is life. – You’ll tell yourself. – And it all IS.
Of course it is. But it is also not THE SOMETHING and so it is a delicious rebellion.

****

Imagine working and straining to swim against a current; your muscles exhausted. Someone comes by with a big, bouncy raft to sit on and paddle downstream. It’s beautiful and takes just the right amount of effort to fill your day. You sleep soundly with visions of nature and goodness soothing your tired bones.

Moving with the current feels especially good when you’re tired.

Don’t be fooled.

The better it feels to avoid THE SOMETHING, the more likely it is that you should be doing it. Right now. Go do it.

That’s what I am doing… my SOMETHING.

Maybe all this swimming in place is a season of strength-training. I have been swimming and practicing and working these muscles, just not getting anywhere. Maybe December was just my Endless Pool month. Hopefully, now, I am ready to get out of the training pool and into the ocean.

****

Was 2013 the year of your Endless Pool? Do you have a goal you are ready to take ground on?

Do not give up. Resistance is endless but it is also mindless. Your hope and creativity and bravery can overcome even the strongest resistance. Together, let’s make 2014 the year we do our SOMETHING.

Do not give up.

“Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.”
― Tyler Knott Gregson

Posted in Wonderful Wrestlings | Tagged: art, dreams, Endless Pools, fear, goal, Gunslinger, hopes, New Year, resistance, War of Art, writing | 1 Comment »

I am more comfortable with the
potential of being awesome than living the
struggle of becoming awesome.

*****

Before we get to all the life-lessons I should have learned by now, let’s talk truth for a second:

We are judgmental as people. Every single day, I hear people whisper critiques and make decisions about each other. Oh, he’s not great at this. She’s not ready for that. I, myself, have seen someone try something and thought, oh. That was not very impressive.

We make decisions and categorize each other’s abilities. And, then, as opportunities arise – both professionally and personally – we decide who is allowed to participate. Who is good enough?

Entire TV channels are built on this, this “making or not making the cut.” You mess up once and you are out. Passion doesn’t matter unless you impress us. Perseverance is actually pitiable when you are not really that good.

This system is what makes some of us sing only in the shower and dance only when the door is locked tight.

I am so scared of not being allowed to participate, that I choose not to participate. I opt myself out before anyone else can cut me from the list.

But this hurts and limits me (you too??) in any attempt to reach goals or actually learn the best skills in life – the skills and arts that could free us and make us feel most alive.

I want to stop living in my potential and start training in the actual. Otherwise, I will spend my life dancing behind locked doors and burying my voice in the noise.

Can we each believe that as long as we are trying, we are succeeding? Is that possible?

Can we find the bravery to stop settling for potential and start grabbing hold of actual? Can we value the ACTUAL above the POTENTIAL, no matter what the outcome?

*****

Posted in Free Flying Faith, Wonderful Wrestlings | Tagged: bravery, dance, faith, fear, freedom, Love, potential, sing | 3 Comments »

Hello Monsters, Poem

Posted by Nicole on September 11, 2013

When I was small

even smaller than this

all smiles, fine hair, and freckles.

I lived in a room with my little sis.

In that room was a window

looking out on an old maple tree bigger than God

whose leaves made me feel free enough to sing

at the top of my lungs.

But on the opposite side of my room hung a door

a wooden shutter, slatted and white

and that door haunted us every single night.

You remember those cracked closet doors,

that fear of childhood, right?

Well, mine was more evil than most

a shutter-door with one missing shingle

a pitch black rectangle of terror

waiting to host the glowing eyes of some child-eating monster

with a taste for freckles.

And with these thoughts, came FEAR.

Fear that freezes your bones

that makes your body turn to stone

on the inside but never enough on the outside.

Fear that takes today as ransom

for a kidnapped tomorrow that will never come home.

So after months of sleepless nights

I could not hide any longer.

I did the most courageous thing of my little life

I moved in with my monsters.

In a flurry of determination

I grabbed my pillows and blankets and books

a flashlight and my sister

and we moved into that dark closet.

Slept there every single night

and not ONE monster was ever brave enough to show His face.

This is when I learned:

Fear is a lion

that only backs down

when we stop acting like prey

and stand our ground.

But we do grow up

and the monsters

get darker and smarter

and the next thing we know

we are running much harder.

No longer daring to face down our fears but away

from the beasts who will swallow us whole

who make closets that scare our very souls.

Monsters: like betrayal, hair loss, loneliness, and grief

failure, sprained ankles, botched interviews, and spinach in our teeth

at just the worst times.

I am afraid of things changing.

I’m afraid they’ll stay the same.

of saying something stupid

of being the one to blame

of the pain that will come when I grow old

and the pain that will come if I don’t.

And so they chase and I run.

I survive but I have not won

the kind of life I’d hoped I’d earned

when I first faced my monsters.

And then I hear it

the sound of safety in my ears:

Fear is a lion

that only backs down

when we stop acting like prey

and stand our ground.

I hear a voice not my own say,

“You are not alone, child.

You never were.

Be still. Take heart.

Plant your feet on the ground.

At the sound of my voice know that you are free.

I am bigger than any tree.

Stand with me.”

And together we turn and face those beasts,

say, “Hello there monsters…

Either be my friend or eat me or get out of my way.

I have sunsets to see and a man to kiss

and I was made for so much more than this.

I’m taking back my tomorrows.

You don’t get my todays.

This is my one and only life.

I will not be anyone’s prey.

So, instead, I will stand my ground and say,

Hello there monsters. Let’s play.”

Watch a live performance:

[youtube id=”QxRi4PSHREI” width=”600″ height=”350″]

(God also wanted me to feel good about myself, this is an awesome frozen frame of me talking)

Tell fearful souls, “Courage! Take heart! God is here, right here, on his way to put things right And redress all wrongs. He’s on his way! He’ll save you!” Isaiah 35:4-10

Posted in How Can I Help, Poetry | Tagged: bravery, childhood, closet door, courage, dreams, fear, hopes, monsters, monsters inc, play, poem, Poetry, scared, shame, wishes | 1 Comment »

EVERYTHING TAKES COURAGE

Getting out of bed

Answering the phone

Calling AT&T

Singing when you can hear me

Talking to my neighbors

Admitting to really liking something

Going after my dreams

Parenting my girls

Creating from my heart

Everything

Calling AT&T takes as much courage as skydiving, for me.

But now, I have come to a place in life where I realize, I cannot take fear into consideration anymore – at least not anxiety, worry, insecurity. FEAR in it’s purest, most primal force, can save our lives. I am not talking about that kind of fear… I am talking about the insidious kind that takes us captive, binds us, so that we never grow in the direction of the sun. We bend and warp to it’s controls. We never grow straight and strong. I don’t want that for me and I surely don’t want that for You or my daughters.

So remember today; the day this very scared person told you to be brave. DO IT AFRAID.

So remember today; the day this very courageous person told you to be brave. DO IT AFRAID.

This is why I wrote this poem, “Hello, Monsters”

[youtube id=”QxRi4PSHREI” width=”600″ height=”350″]

“Tell fearful souls,
“Courage! Take heart!
God is here, right here.”

Isaiah 35:3

Posted in Free Flying Faith, How Can I Help, Poetry | Tagged: bravery, courage, fear, poem, Poetry | 1 Comment »

There was a time when my daughter was very scared of monsters. These were nights of 3a room visits and long conversations in the dark. Nights when the blinking light on the smoke detector threatened to eat her in her sleep.

During the day, we could talk openly about her fears and I tried to find humor and perspective for my Dear One. “Face your monsters,” I’d say. “Monsters chase us when we run. But, when you turn to face them, they either run away or they play with you.”

So, one day we tried to look straight at the monsters and get to know them…

BEING A MONSTER IS LIKE….

E = my daughter’s answers, Age 5
M = My answers, Age unnecessary

E – gobbling up chips really fast

M – knocking down a door when you try to open it.

E – Eating everything around you when you are hungry

M – trying to bounce a basketball and it goes through the floor.

E – Winning every basketball game because people are scared of you.

M – Being scared of the light instead of the dark

E – they like to sleep in your room all night and protect you. In the morning, they are in your room with the lights and blinds off.

M – looking in the mirror and startling yourself

E – being scared of your shadow

M – trying to watch TV but your fingers are too big for the remote control buttons

E – …So he just kicked the TV

M – wanting to make friends but everyone just runs away.

E – eating everything (including the jar) in one bite

M – loving camping and scary stories around a campfire

E – when you sleep in a tent, make sure to bring meat to eat

M – trying not to scare the bears

E – he wants to see wildlife, but he can’t because he’s a monster!

M – what does a monster eat while camping?!

E – Meat.

E – Rock climbing is awesome for a monster

This exercise made us laugh and gave us something funny to remember at bedtime as the lights went out. Now, three years later, I hear her creating stories full of scary but empathetic monsters just struggling through life like the rest of us.

**********

I think, right now, I am really scared of monsters. But mine don’t come at night, they are here all the time and I just keep running. It’s scary to feel chased; a serious fight-or-flight instinct kicks in. Adrenaline. Fear. I don’t dare stop running or look back. We all know that when you look back, you trip on a tree branch and get eaten. We know. So, just look ahead. And run hard til you get to town.

I’m not following my own advice, though.

Have you ever done that? … Not followed your own advice?

So, today I am vowing to turn around and face my monsters… to name them and examine them.

Hello, Monster, What’s your name?

Loneliness– no one cares
Criticism– if anyone cares, it is only to criticize
Shame– you suck
Disqualification– no more tries allowed
Failure– wasted time and energy

I’m ready to see which ones run away and which ones I will learn to play with.

What about you? What monsters are chasing you? Are you ready to face them today?

-Nicole

Posted in Free Flying Faith, Honest Home | Tagged: bravery, failure, fear, monsters, work | 6 Comments »

I was out deep and a big set of waves rolled in

Posted by Nicole on February 22, 2013

Faith. Joy. Optimism. Jesus being real and Him caring about me.

These are the things I have built a life on.

I built a life.

And I find myself in a season of fog, big waves, cold wind.

Where did that life go? Have you seen it?

Waiting for the water to bring back the Faith and Life.

I am a California girl. For most of my life, I have lived within three miles of the ocean. Had a hard day? Drive to the beach. Feel like life is too much? Drive to the beach. Bills, yells, disappointments, disapprovals pulling you down? Drive to the beach. … Park. Take off shoes. Feel sand rub your feet. Exfoliate the dead life away. Then touch the water and feel new living life seep in through your toes.

.RESET.

Feel better. Move on and Back to Faith + Joy + Optimism + Jesus being real

And, when I was younger, much younger… when I was still only 5′ tall but my insides were more elastic, I would swim away any tears. Underwater no one can tell if you are crying. Underwater, even if people surround you, they can barely hear you scream out your sadness. Tears can flow. Face can be red. Muscles can strain. And it all blends into a beautiful camouflage. Water pushing and moving, hugging back the way air just doesn’t care to.

Water pushing and moving, hugging back the way air just doesn’t care to.

All the sadness and frustration could leave my body and soul. All flowed out of me and into the healing water. I would feel empty and ready to be refilled by the Faith + Joy + Optimism + Jesus I’d come to trust would always come back. Hurray!

Recently, though… recently, I cannot find the healing water. I still live near the beach and pools in my California neighborhood. I touch the water both literally and figuratively in my prayers but nothing happens. My touchstone, my constant, my compass is no longer working. Up and down, north and south – they are meaningless.

I read other people’s beautiful blogs about how Jesus is finding them no matter how lost they feel – even in the trash. And intellectually, I trust it MUST still be real. I’m just lost, God’s not, right? I believe Jesus believes in me even when I don’t believe in him – or however the saying goes.

In my bones, though, my bones tell the truth my intellect cannot.

In my bones, there is pain not trust.

A burning.

Have you ever swam in the ocean? Swimming at the beach was a huge part of my childhood. We swam in the ocean, played in the waves. In the infinite water up to my chest, swells came by and picked me up, lifting me off the cool sand under it all. One small body bouncing in anticipation, watching the swells come up from their source. The Pacific Ocean, my own beautiful mosh pit. Waves form and if you catch them just right, they lift you up – without any more than a tiptoe of energy from your own body. Lifted and weightless. Light and free.

But, the ocean is not just lightness and freedom and happy happy zen. It’s no joke. All that infinite water has a power and weight. The same power that lifts a little girl up to the sky, can suck her into a dark whirlpool. Vivid memories still sit at the front of my brain. A big set of waves could come in without warning. When you are out that far, the best thing to do when a BIG set of waves begins is to go under each one. Under the white wash. Under the sucking, thunderous breaks. But, once or twice, I didn’t get under in time.

Little head pops up to grasp a gasp of air but can’t get down deep again in time… and I’d get pulled into the swirling, spinning water. The terror. The confusion. The fog. Especially in deep water, you cannot even find the sand.

It is a complete loss of direction – Up and down, north and south – they are meaningless.

I couldn’t find the sand or the air. I’d have taken either one. I’d pray, “Let me hit the bottom so I have some direction. Give me the sand so I can push up to the surface.”

Lungs burn hot; burning a hole in my chest so they can get to the surface, even if the rest of me never makes it.

I remember it so clearly.

This is how I feel now as I swim through life. The water I move and swim in everyday does not soothe me. I am not reset, home, camouflaged, soothed or free. Instead I burn. I was out deep and a big set of waves rolled in.

I try actual, physical water on my burns but it has lost its touchstone connection to God.

I find myself giving up God for Lent without any choice in the matter. And it burns. It feels like drowning in the very place I found my life. Where I was once lifted up by a very present, big, loving God – without any more than a tiptoe of energy from my own soul – Now, I find pain and confusion in that same spot.

Death where there was life.

All I can do now is wait and swim. Jesus, who is real and cares about me – my intellect says, is still here. And my brain reminds my bones that this is how it works. Life to Death to Greater Life.

Resurrection.

Life where there was death.

Everything must die so that new life can spring up. Even Faith. Maybe I can believe that even faith, like other things, must die to be reborn. My faith must doubt & die.

Faith like a mustard seed, right? Seeds die before they grow giant trees and climbing vines. Death is the beginning of a much bigger life for the seed. Maybe, just maybe, this is part of what Jesus meant…

Luke 17:6 “If you have faith like a grain of mustard seed…”

John 12:24–25, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.”

What if I put the two together? I have faith like a mustard seed and it’s time to let it fall into the earth and die so that it can bear much fruit.

A tiny seed falls to the ground. Once the seed coat breaks, the seed begins to grow roots. Inside the seed is new life: Roots. Height. Depth. Reach. More seeds. More Fruit.

Death is the beginning of new life for a seed. Maybe it will be for me too. Maybe in a year from now, maybe in three days, I will be reborn with a bigger and more expansive faith.

Until then (and believe me I do not take lightly saying “Until”) I will just keep swimming.

…For anyone struggling with faith today. An offering, poured out.

-Nicole

Hey Mr Grump Gills

You know what you gotta do when life gets you down?

Just keep swimming

Just keep swimming

Just keep swimming swimming swimming

What do we do we swim, swim, swim

Posted in Free Flying Faith, Wonderful Wrestlings | Tagged: doubt, faith, fear, just keep swimming, Love, ocean, resurrection, skeptic, water, waves | 1 Comment »

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Posts Tagged ‘fear’

The SOMETHING

Shhhh. No one tell resistance that I am at my keyboard.

Ever since people I admire started noticing my writing… Ever since people started cheering me on… Ever since I set a goal, RESISTANCE has gotten strong. Really strong.

It can feel a lot like fear, but disguised under whatever will most tempt you.

****

And RESISTANCE is endless.

When I swam on the team in high school, I would fantasize about having one of those ENDLESS POOLS – the pool with a constant current so you could basically swim in place for an hour. That sounded awesome!

That’s how it is with writing this month. But it’s not awesome. Not. Awesome.

Swimming in place feels pointless when you want to be landing on the shore of a new land.

The instant I set my mind on writing an ebook this month – my equivalent of swimming across the English Channel – the avalanche of family-needs and work-needs descended on my little life like a scene out of ALIVE. Forced to eat my words, I survived but it has not been pretty.

So, please, no one tell FEAR that I am here. These words may not be pretty, but these are inches I will crawl to gain some ground.

****

I’ve been writing and I have still made NO progress where it counts. I have not one inch to show for myself. I look up and see my friends, my mentors, zooming ahead. Once in a while they stand on a rock or grab onto a buoy and call out to me, “Come on! You can do it!”

“I’m coming! Please don’t give up on me.”

I put my head back down and write.

A few days later I look up and see I’ve moved no further.

What the &#^$?

How does anyone do this?

How do people plan 9th birthdays, class parties, Christmas eve services, and cold remedies… and still pursue their dreams?

… Actually, not just pursue their dreams but TAKE GROUND in the land of their dreams?

I realize now that my frustration comes from this stage I am in where pursuing dreams no longer cuts it. I want progress.

I am done pursuing dreams like the Gunslinger pursuing the Man in Black.

I am ready to take ground.

But first, I have to acknowledge that riding down stream feels really good, especially when you’ve been trying to swim against the current of resistance for a while (also what feels good is filling blog posts with random references so you feel clever while struggling).

Planning your daughter’s birthday party. Watching a movie with your husband. Cleaning out your closet. Designing a craft for the 3rd Grade Holiday party.

This is the goodness. This is family. This is life. – You’ll tell yourself. – And it all IS. Of course it is. But it is also not THE SOMETHING and so it is a delicious rebellion.

****

Moving with the current feels especially good when you’re tired.

Don’t be fooled.

The better it feels to avoid THE SOMETHING, the more likely it is that you should be doing it. Right now. Go do it.

That’s what I am doing… my SOMETHING.

Maybe all this swimming in place is a season of strength-training. I have been swimming and practicing and working these muscles, just not getting anywhere. Maybe December was just my Endless Pool month. Hopefully, now, I am ready to get out of the training pool and into the ocean.

****

Was 2013 the year of your Endless Pool? Do you have a goal you are ready to take ground on?

Do not give up. Resistance is endless but it is also mindless. Your hope and creativity and bravery can overcome even the strongest resistance. Together, let’s make 2014 the year we do our SOMETHING.

Do not give up.

“Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.” ― Tyler Knott Gregson

Learning New Things

Do you hate learning new things in front of people? I do. A lot.

I haven’t learned to ballroom dance because I do not want my husband to see me “learning” to ballroom dance. Until I try in front of him, I can keep the mysterious question going… “is Nicole an awesome, naturally-gifted ballroom dancer?? Could be!!”

… I am settling for that.

“I like what you currently think of me.”

I am more comfortable with the potential of being awesome than living the struggle of becoming awesome.

*****

Before we get to all the life-lessons I should have learned by now, let’s talk truth for a second:

We are judgmental as people. Every single day, I hear people whisper critiques and make decisions about each other. Oh, he’s not great at this. She’s not ready for that. I, myself, have seen someone try something and thought, oh. That was not very impressive.

We make decisions and categorize each other’s abilities. And, then, as opportunities arise – both professionally and personally – we decide who is allowed to participate. Who is good enough?

Entire TV channels are built on this, this “making or not making the cut.” You mess up once and you are out. Passion doesn’t matter unless you impress us. Perseverance is actually pitiable when you are not really that good.

This system is what makes some of us sing only in the shower and dance only when the door is locked tight.

I am so scared of not being allowed to participate, that I choose not to participate. I opt myself out before anyone else can cut me from the list.

But this hurts and limits me (you too??) in any attempt to reach goals or actually learn the best skills in life – the skills and arts that could free us and make us feel most alive.

I want to stop living in my potential and start training in the actual. Otherwise, I will spend my life dancing behind locked doors and burying my voice in the noise.

Can we each believe that as long as we are trying, we are succeeding? Is that possible?

Can we find the bravery to stop settling for potential and start grabbing hold of actual? Can we value the ACTUAL above the POTENTIAL, no matter what the outcome?

*****

Hello Monsters, Poem

When I was small

even smaller than this

all smiles, fine hair, and freckles.

I lived in a room with my little sis.

In that room was a window

looking out on an old maple tree bigger than God

whose leaves made me feel free enough to sing

at the top of my lungs.

But on the opposite side of my room hung a door

a wooden shutter, slatted and white

and that door haunted us every single night.

You remember those cracked closet doors,

that fear of childhood, right?

Well, mine was more evil than most

a shutter-door with one missing shingle

a pitch black rectangle of terror

Planning your daughter’s birthday party.
Watching a movie with your husband.
Cleaning out your closet.
Designing a craft for the 3rd Grade Holiday party.

This is the goodness. This is family. This is life. – You’ll tell yourself. – And it all IS.
Of course it is. But it is also not THE SOMETHING and so it is a delicious rebellion.

“Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.”
― Tyler Knott Gregson

I am more comfortable with the
potential of being awesome than living the
struggle of becoming awesome.