When I was small
even smaller than this
all smiles, fine hair, and freckles.
I lived in a room with my little sis.
In that room was a window
looking out on an old maple tree bigger than God
whose leaves made me feel free enough to sing
at the top of my lungs.
But on the opposite side of my room hung a door
a wooden shutter, slatted and white
and that door haunted us every single night.
You remember those cracked closet doors,
that fear of childhood, right?
Well, mine was more evil than most
a shutter-door with one missing shingle
a pitch black rectangle of terror
waiting to host the glowing eyes of some child-eating monster
with a taste for freckles.
And with these thoughts, came FEAR.
Fear that freezes your bones
that makes your body turn to stone
on the inside but never enough on the outside.
Fear that takes today as ransom
for a kidnapped tomorrow that will never come home.
So after months of sleepless nights
I could not hide any longer.
I did the most courageous thing of my little life
I moved in with my monsters.
In a flurry of determination
I grabbed my pillows and blankets and books
a flashlight and my sister
and we moved into that dark closet.
Slept there every single night
and not ONE monster was ever brave enough to show His face.
This is when I learned:
Fear is a lion
that only backs down
when we stop acting like prey
and stand our ground.
But we do grow up
and the monsters
get darker and smarter
and the next thing we know
we are running much harder.
No longer daring to face down our fears but away
from the beasts who will swallow us whole
who make closets that scare our very souls.
Monsters: like betrayal, hair loss, loneliness, and grief
failure, sprained ankles, botched interviews, and spinach in our teeth
at just the worst times.
I am afraid of things changing.
I’m afraid they’ll stay the same.
of saying something stupid
of being the one to blame
of the pain that will come when I grow old
and the pain that will come if I don’t.
And so they chase and I run.
I survive but I have not won
the kind of life I’d hoped I’d earned
when I first faced my monsters.
And then I hear it
the sound of safety in my ears:
Fear is a lion
that only backs down
when we stop acting like prey
and stand our ground.
I hear a voice not my own say,
“You are not alone, child.
You never were.
Be still. Take heart.
Plant your feet on the ground.
At the sound of my voice know that you are free.
I am bigger than any tree.
Stand with me.”
And together we turn and face those beasts,
say, “Hello there monsters…
Either be my friend or eat me or get out of my way.
I have sunsets to see and a man to kiss
and I was made for so much more than this.
I’m taking back my tomorrows.
You don’t get my todays.
This is my one and only life.
I will not be anyone’s prey.
So, instead, I will stand my ground and say,
Hello there monsters. Let’s play.”
Watch a live performance:
[youtube id=”QxRi4PSHREI” width=”600″ height=”350″]
(God also wanted me to feel good about myself, this is an awesome frozen frame of me talking)
Tell fearful souls, “Courage! Take heart! God is here, right here, on his way to put things right And redress all wrongs. He’s on his way! He’ll save you!” Isaiah 35:4-10